Care Bear

Where have I been?

2011-02-23T10:21:00.002-06:00

I actually GOT TO MY BLOG!! So the reason that I haven't been blogging is that I haven't been able to access my account! It seems that it was trying to get me to sign up with a google account, which I didn't want to do. So anyway, hubby has fixed it now and I can keep sharing my journey! YA!

The way I process

2010-10-24T10:11:00.005-06:00

My counselor, whom I love so so much OXOX She spent the morning with me yesterday. She isn't afraid of me crying, she knows I won't die. And if anything, she knows that if she can just get me crying, it will be for my own good.....hence what seemed like crying for so long that my eyes felt like baseballs and my sinuses jammed full of molasses.

Our sessions remind me of what it's like to jump off the 7.5 meter diving board at harry bailey. You know that you want to jump off at some point, but you're not sure when. At first you stand on the side of the pool, watching others jump off. Watching to see if they die, get hurt, scream, laugh.....the you might be brave enough to walk up the stairs, but with a friend, just incase you need to be humiliated and come back down again. You explain to your friend that if you chicken out, you make an agreement that the BOTH of you will come down the stairs together so that no one will know which on of you is the real chicken. After a few trips up and down the stairs, you decide it's safe enough to stand on the platform. But with your back FIRMLY against the wall. You can't even see off the edges. Slowly, you walk forward towards the edge, holding on the the railings, heart beating fast, the height of it is gripping you. When you finally get up enough courage to LOOK OVER the edge, you not only can see the ground, BUT TO THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL-which is ANOTHER 16 feet! I remember standing up there forEVER! looking, staring, thinking, fearing, trying to be brave, talking to myself, telling myself to be brave and just jump already! I must have counted to 3 a million times over without making the jump. I remember bending my knees, plugging my nose, but yet my feet not budging! I remember everyone in the pool was even starting to get frustrated. Complete strangers were yelling at me from the bottom, "JUMP ALREADY!" "COME ON!!!!" "JUMP!!!!!!"

You know, when I think about it, back in grade 6, when I made the big 7.5 meter jump, I can't actually remember what made me finally go. But I remember the fall. Very very clearly. It seemed like I fell forever. Screaming all the way down, I hit the water and panic rushed over me as it felt like I sank to the bottom of the pool. With no air left in my lungs from all the screaming and having to swim all the way up to the top of the water, I wasn't sure if I would make it. But I did. A sense of accomplishment was met as I was able to take the jump a few more times without it taking over an hour!

I feel like I have been walking up and down those stairs for a long time. Walking up to the platform and looking over the edge many many times. Yesterday, I feel like I jumped off the platform before it. the 5 meter. Gearing myself up to the BIG jump. I know I didn't officially do what really needs to be done, but I feel more and more ready to go there. I am able to actually look it in the eye a bit more. Maybe even speak to it. maybe even be brave enough to give it my voice, my feelings, my hurt.

Thank you my dear counselor who selflessly gives herself, her time to help heal someone who wants freedom. You are making a difference in my life, like you wouldn't believe. love you!

point form

2010-10-20T11:32:00.004-06:00

-I found out yesterday that people line up in the hallway before my class to make sure they get a bosu (there's only 13) :D

-When I walked into my class 15 mintues before class to set up, the room was PACKED full of ladies ready to go! What a nice way to go to work!

-But since there's only 13 BOSU's, I had to turn 4 people away, including Jonah's step mom who comes regularly :(

-I feel like I'm making a difference in people's lives

-I'm happy with the way our home is running, trying to improve schedules and disciplines

-I'm reading "life without ED" again, a book about overcoming your eating disorder

-Not necessarily happy with our budget :( :S

-proud of my hubby in everything he does. He is the man I dreamed of having as a girl

-proud of my mom for quitting smoking!!! day 5 for her today

-proud of noah and isaiah for consistently cleaning their rooms and keeping them neat and tidy

-NOT proud of faith and elishah, since their rooms continue to be a DISASTER area!

-Still waiting to see if my kitchen will magically be sanded, primed and painted, but it's not happening.

-I LOVE opening my new FRONT window!!! Complete with huge bill :( but worth it :)

-Still checking my kids for lice every 3-5 days.

-My new favorite song is pink! raise your glass (cause I'm a dirty little freak!)

-Missing my best friend since she's back at work now and I can't talk to her whenever I want for as long as I want :(

25 to life

2010-10-17T17:23:00.004-06:00

Today I was running. I've been running to this song for a while now and I loved it right from the first time I heard it. I really like the way Eminem expresses his feelings in this song. It's very raw and honest to the core. So for those of you who are offended by Eminem, this will probably offend you.
But since this is my blog, with my thoughts and my journey, something hit me today and I want to share it. Those that know me well, know my long uphill battle with my eating disorder. You will also know that 2.5 years ago, I stopped throwing up my food, thinking that I had ended my battle with bulimia. Not so....
Little did I know that my eating disorder would morph into new voices and eating patterns. It changed in the way it spoke to me and the way I worked out in the gym. Even though I wasn't throwing up my food, I was desperately purging calories in the gym and trying to restrict my food. It still consumed my thoughts, my life and alot of my actions.
Well, as of recently, a month and a half to be exact. I have relapsed. I am again throwing up my food. There, I said it. I am still an open person -- yea for me........(sarcastic voice)

So back to my run. As I was running to one of my new favorite Eminem songs, I realized that this song that he wrote to hip hop, I had those same thoughts towards my eating disorder, which I've called "Ed or Edith" I will share the lyrics with you and change the words to where it's meaningful to me. I am not going to edit out the swears, because they are a part of how I feel. So if you are offended by profanity, please don't read on. If you choose to read on, remember that this is my blog, my place to share my journey. Highlighted are the parts of the song that really hit home for me.

I don't think she understands
The sacrifices that I made
Maybe if this b itch had acted right
I would have stayed
But I've already wasted over half my life
I would have laid down and died for you
I longer cry for you
No more pain
b itch you took me for granted
Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt
I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it
Imma take control of this relationship
Command it
And I'm gonna be the boss of you now god dam it
And what I mean is that
I'm will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out
This much you owe me
I gave up my life for you
Totally devoted to you
Why I've stayed
Faithful all the way
This is how I fuc kin get repaid?

Look at how I dress
fuc kin baggy sweats (gym clothes, runners)
Go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you
I ain't heard you yet
Not even once say you appreciate me
I deserve respect
I've done my best to give you
Nothing less then perfectness
And I know that if I end this
I'll no longer have nothing left
But you keep treating me like a staircase
It's time to fuc kin step
And I wont be coming back
So don't hold your fuc kin breath
You know what you've done
No need to go in depth
I told you you'd be sorry
If I fuc kin left
I laughed while you wept
How's it feel now?
Yeah funny ain't it
You neglected me
Did me a favor
Let all my spirit free
You've said
Got a special place for you
In my heart
That I have kept
It's unfortunate but it's

Too late
For the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life

I feel like
When I bend over backwards for you
All you do is laugh
Cuz that ain't good enough
You expect me to fold myself in half
Till I snap
Don't think I'm loyal
All I do is rap (workout, eat less, more....etc)
How can I moonlight on the side
I have no life outside of that
Don't I give you enough of my time?
You don't think so do you?
Jealous when I spend time with the girls
Why I'm married to you still
Man I don't know
But tonight I'm serving you with papers
I'm divorcing you
Go marry someone else
And make em famous
And take away their freedom
Like you did to me
Treat em like you don't need em
And they ain't worthy of you
Feed em
The same sh it hat you made me eat
I'm moving on
Forget you
Oh now I'm special
I didn't feel special when I was wit you
All I ever felt was this
Helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish b itch
Chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this
So many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this
But in my sickness
And addiction
Your addictive as they get
Evil as they come
Vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking me
Why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress
The drama
I'm drawn to @#!*%
So I guess I'm a mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abyss
Your screaming as I walk out
That I'll be missed
But when you spoke of people
Who meant the most to you
You left me off your list
f uck you hip hop (Edith)
I'm leaving you
My life sentence is served b itch
And it's just

Too late
For the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life

the cry of every girl's heart

2010-09-28T09:58:00.006-06:00

Deep down inside, there is a longing in each of us. This song touches some of what's in my heart.
I know that Rihanna is a wounded soul and with everything that I've learned in the last couple of years, I can see through the wound, hear her cry, and know pieces of where the answer lies.
Nonetheless, I can relate to her longing. I can stand beside her deep cry, cause I have the same one.

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world…
Like I’m the only one that’s in command
Cuz I’m the only one who understands, like I’m the only one who knows your heart, only one....

I guess it comes back to those 3 words again. Cherished, Chosen and Treasured.

Of course, the rest of the song is twisted with wounds and a poor sense of who she really is as a woman. She is giving herself like a piece of pie, and at the same time, asks to be treated like the only girl in the world, which doesn't really work that well when she's feeding the wrong part of a man. One of the biggest revelations in both Joe and I is that a woman cannot make a man feel like a man. She is a woman. And if a man has his identity in his sexuality and not in God, he will turn to a woman to fill that. so around and around they go filling each other in a way that can never be satisfied, and actually, they are using each other for selfish reasons.

I'm on a quest to find God's true purpose for a man and wife coming together. without all the mumbo jumbo, without the wounds, from a pure, true place. I can sure identify with the longings that I believe God originally put in us. The question is what do we do with those longings, how do we enjoy the fruit of marriage, and yet be filled and satisfied with God's love in the deepest parts of us?

Things I am looking forward to

2010-09-24T14:32:00.002-06:00

-Teaching my class tonight! I have a fun lesson plan, including plank pushovers, dead bug holds and we're going to use resistance bands today!

-Having a run this weekend, hopefully a 10 km

-Taking time for myself to journal, reflect on this last year and my new goals.

-Trying out my new coconut vodka with pinapple juice YUM

-Teaching my last, full class on muscle sculpt at the fieldhouse this Monday from 8-9 and YES, that's an invitation!

-Cooking my homemade meatballs this weekend

-Getting my hair done at Jilla's on MONDAY! goodbye roots!

-Owen's baptism on Sunday :)

-Cashing my first cheque only to NOT spend the money :)

point form

2010-09-18T10:20:00.005-06:00

thoughts in random form

-how did I end up with such an amazing man?

-Elishah is even EXTRA cute when it's just me, joe and her.

-The Bulk Barn is the new place to go for junk runs!!!

-It's super funny when your 3 year old, that's potty trained, is wearing a diaper in the store, decides to pee and her eyes go red around the rims :P

-holding off on painting my kitchen for another weekend annoys me, but it's life

-to run outside/on my treadmill/go to the gym.....decisions, decisions.....

-The movie "Remember Me" SUCKS BUM! (even when you watch it in fast forward!)

-Sleeping sitting up is second nature to me

-Wondering when I'm going to actually ENJOY housework again

-I had one person in my class yesterday :( The friday BOSU slot is super slow :(

-GOT MY FIRST CHECK YESTERDAY!!!

My little faithfulness....in kindergarten.......

2010-09-13T13:02:00.003-06:00

Ok, so I've never in my life, sent a child to school at the age of 5. Or even 6. My first child was almost 8 when she went to school and Noah was almost 10. It wasn't the prettiest circumstances when they went to school, but I knew it was coming and they were older! I probably forget already how hard that was, becuase all I can think of now is HOW HARD it is to have my little BABY in school now :(

So I have to tell you about my last week. Faith's first day of school was last Wednesday. Today is her 3rd day of school (she skips every other day) Her first day of school, I dropped her off and walked back to the car with a lone child in a stroller. I had to fight tears, thinking to myself, "c'mon! pull it together, you're being a drama queen about this! You've been looking forward to this forever!" But it hit me. My little faithfulness is in KINDERGARTEN........
I made myself busy that day. Taking my mind off of what was really happening. I don't think I was home that WHOLE day. I surrounded myself with people and things to do. Day one=complete

Day 2 was on Friday. I had to sit on myself to NOT go to the school. I asked faith as I was packing her lunch, "do you want mom to come see you at school today at lunch?" She said, "no, it's ok mom" "aw, are you sure? i could just come for a little bit" so for MY sake she said, "ok, mom if you want to....." (STAB) I determined after that hard day that I was GOING to see her on Monday for sure!

Today:
I'm so excited to go see Faith. I show up to see her sitting with her back towards me. She was eating so quietly and peacefully. I went up to her (fighting tears to see her so big and grown up) I asked her how her lunch was. All the other kids were looking at me, like I was some big elephant in the room. One kid said, "why are you here?" I said, defending myself, "to see Faith, I'm faith's mom" Faith's teacher was still in the room, so I thought I should ask her how Faith was doing. I got "the talk" from her. That Faith is fine and that I don't need to worry and to not come to the school too often if I can help it.......
After feeling a bit out of place, I decided to go see Isaiah. "come on sheesha! let's go see Isaiah!" On my way out the door, I tried to make eye contact with Faith to say by, but she was too busy eating and talking to her new friends.....so I left.
Get to Isaiah's class and she's so used to me at the school, that she isn't excited to see me, she's just like, "hey mom" and carries on talking with her friends. I try to get in on the convo, but it's obvious that it's a kid thing and not a mom thing. So feeling a bit rejected again, I say to sheesha "let's go see noah!!" (in my head I 'm thinking, he's always happy to see me) So we wander down the hall to the portables to see Noah.
As soon as I walk in the class, 3 or 4 kids are like,"Noah, you're mom's here...." they are apparently so used to seeing me. He's like, "oh hey mom" as he's packing up his lunch. I'm like, "where are you going?" He's like, "Oh, I'm to the cross country meet, see ya!" and he walks out!!
So here I am, in a desk, and sheesha's running around the room and my son just deserted me! K, maybe I am a crazy mom! But gotta go out with a bang right?
So I think to myself, Faith is probably done eating and is getting ready to go outside, lets' go back and see her one more time.......
By the time we walk to the other side of the school, I pass Isaiah in the hallway, and she doesn't even acknowledge me. She on her way outside and she talking about what they're all going to play. Finally back in Faith's classroom, she on the carpet, reading a book. So without making the same mistake twice, I sneak out with elishah and wait for her on the playground. As I'm out on the playground stalking all my children, Noah runs by, running his 2 k. My heart all swells up, and I'm so proud, so I yell out, "GOOD JOB NOAH!!!!!"
Sheesh, this is getting more and more pathetic as the story goes on I know......but it goes on :S
Finally Faith comes out and I'm so exicted to see her play, she laughing and running around all her friends. So I think its a great idea to ask her what her friends names are, so that we can talk about them later.......
So I approach a group of girls, laughing their heads off, including faith.....and realized, that I'd just better leave her alone. So I walk away......feeling sheepish.
I pushed Elishah on the swing for 5 minutes and then came home....
SIGH.......

When will I be worth fighting for?

2010-09-01T09:24:00.007-06:00

I am now looking at the second year marker. That's how I roll. I've always been that way. I look at my life through big landmarks that have formed who I've become.
-When I got clean at 16, Nov 15, 1995, my family celebrated my clean date for years and years.
-I still remember August 27th, 1995. It was the day God RESCUED me off the street. I was "kidnapped" by my parents, thrown into the back of a car and shipped to detox.
-When Joe and I started dating ,aug 13, 1995
-the day we got engaged aug 14, 1996
-the day we got married Nov 9, 1996
-The day I said my final goodbye to bulimia Feb 5th, 2008
-The week I fasted for my family April 14-19th, 2008
-The day Caleb was admitted to hospital Oct 23, 2006
-The day he died, Oct 26, 06

Those are some of my landmarks, but there are many more. I think that it's good to look at life this way because it's encouraging to see the growth, to see how God moved, and to see His faithfulness. But.....to let moments DEFINE YOU....that's another story. Somehow, 2 years ago, the events that were placed before me became WHO I AM. I allowed events and circumstances to tell me who I am, what I'm worth, and it completely derailed me as a person. After all this time, cause 2 years sounds like a LONG time, I've actually learned a few things. GASP!

I've realized that when the rubber meets the road, when push comes to shove, when it all boils down, the ball is in my court. I hate saying that outloud, because I'm held to my own words, but it needs to be said.
-I've fought for Caleb, keeping him home with us and not putting him a home, fighting for his needs because he was worth it.
-I've fought for my kids, giving up my life to homeschool them, stretching myself beyond what I thought possible, for THEM, cause they are worth it.
-I've fought for Joe, which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because Joe is worth it.
And.....before my "defining moment" 2 years ago, I was learning to fight for ME..... Saying goodbye to my eating disorder because I knew I deserved better. I started my journey with running and fitness. Why? because I deserved to be healthy, happy and have time for MYSELF.
But it's time to fight for me! not just keep myself alive for those around me, but fight for ME. And, here's the scary/eyeopening piece. I know that if I don't start passionatly fighting for me right now, I could loose myself forever. Or something terrible will happen. I read in a book once, "desperate people do desperate things" And I've been living in a state of desperation for a long time. With big holes in my heart that need attention.
They say you MAKE time for things that are important to you. I get that. I get that very much. I am the one that will MAKE a trip to the gym to "FIT" in a run, a workout, because I need to. It's a priority. I understand that if I want to fit in my workouts, I have to juggle my kids, my family time, meals, schedules, just to get it in. I get that. Why don't I do that for my spiritual health? Why is my spiritual health an option??? I will always tell people that they need to MAKE time if they want to get fit, but what good is a healthy body when you're dying inside? :(

I put away my old journal. I have to. I have to leave it behind. I have to leave the past in the past and walk towards God's heart for ME. I have to fight for me. If I can't fight for me, I will never be able to fight for others.

Gravol addiction

2010-08-25T10:31:00.003-06:00

I never would have thought that taking some gravol to help me sleep would catch up with me. It turns out that I'm having to gradually wean myself from it. The gravol was working well for me, giving me a deep sleep with no interruptions. With Joe's snoring and my "heartburn attacks" it was a great solution. I took two each night and woke up a bit groggy, but it wore off after a couple cups of coffee.
This went on for a month, till......Joe and I went to Regina last weekend for a marriage weekend and I forgot to bring it with me. Of course my sleep was a disaster, my heartburn was not good at all, but the worst of it was the next day, I was so nauseated. I had to take some gravol during the day.
I realized that my body depended on it when a week later, I ran out of gravol and the next day I was so incredibly nauseated! It was like I had rode the zipper all day and was ready to throw up. A gravol pill did eventually take that away, but it was crazy to think that my body was going through withdrawls :(
So this week I've been weaning myself half a tab at a time, pondering how easy we pop pills for quick fixes. I hope this experience will have me think twice before popping pills in the future.

Does anyone else have stories like this? Any thoughts?

child training 101-huh?

2010-08-11T18:07:00.004-06:00

I've totally lost my edge. Mostly my confidence as a parent. When the bottom of your world falls out, and there's a season of doubt, you pretty much doubt everything....and today, my parenting.

For those that know me and our family, know that we have this beautiful charming, blonde, petite, blow-away-in-the-wind, delicate, little girl. Her name is Elishah. She is our fifth child who is a dearing 3 and a half years old. She came to us in a strange time...three months after our 1st born died suddenly of pneumonia. We were in a state of chaos and grief. Our basement was being renovated, the financial stress was at it's peak, as well as our marriage was in it's last moments before it nearly completely dissolved. Working through grief, renos and a new baby was beyond our limits. And to make things more complicated, we decided to take on leading a lifegroup (which looking back was the death of us) I was off kilter, Joe was basically there only in body, but nothin else, and here was this little precious gift given to us in such a time. Child training was attempted, but wasn't met by two parents that were on the same team.

Fast forward one year to when our family almost hit the dust. Elishah was 1 and a half then. The time she needed us the most. Mom was a literal train wreck, Joe was trying with everything to repair the damage, focusing most of his attention on mom, and the kids were left to God. I thank God for how he took care of them in that first year. I know he assigned many angels to our kids.

As the dust has settled, we've grown more and more to see that this little "cute/princess?" girl is turning into a monster! She has started saying things like, "I hate you! You're mean! I don't like you! Don't touch me!" Followed with whining out the yinyang and serious "terrible two" attitude. Something that I've only read about in books. Whenever I've read about parents that have monsters like that, I've thanked God that he's taught me about child training and that i would NEVER have a child LIKE THAT!.......apparently.....I do.......

So, after a long, long......looooong series of events of attitude, backtalk, hitting the air, slamming doors (yes...she's even gone to a room and slammed the door on us)......Joe and I totally tagged teamed her in a silly battle that we thought we could handle......

"Please pick up the 3 pieces of dry cereal you just spilled on the carpet and put it into the bowl"
Seemed simple enough........
I thought wrong......
Joe and I won!!!! It completely RIPPED my heart out spanking her, but in the end (20 minutes or so) she finally willfully, cheerfully, respectfully, obediently, put the dang cereal in the bowl!!! YA US!

She's been happy as a clam ever since. Telling how much she loves us and you can actually tell that something rebellious has been lifted off of her. It brings back far and distant memories of when I've trained my other 3 children and actually enjoyed shaping their character and giving them happiness.
Now............I hope that God can give me the strength to keep going and give her what she so desperately needs......consistency, training, and lots of love to back it up!

So it's official

2010-08-08T10:10:00.004-06:00

I'm officially a Twilight fan.....
As of late, I've become team Jacob :P

Man, could I do anything in moderation?! I watched the first one last Sunday, new moon 4 days later, and thank you to my BFLF Morgan, she treated me to Eclipse on the big screen!!! OMG!
I cried, bit my fist (mostly when Jacob had his shirt off) laughed and held my breath.....I can't wait for the next one which is in a million years from now :(

My first tattoo

2010-07-23T19:53:00.005-06:00

I never thought that the word Chosen would mean so much to me. Being that it's the very first word that I wanted on my body permanently says that it means a ton. I've been reading a book called "Captivating" that is exactly what my spirit and heart need in this time. There are 3 words in total that I will put on my body, Chosen being the first. The other two are "Cherished" and "Treasured"

To a woman, these are deep deep longings inside, that were put there by God himself. He created us to desire them. To be the beauty in a love story. To be chosen, to be cherished, and to be treasured. I am learning to embrace this part of me, by allowing my God to heal these very damaged, very wounded places. I think that one of the greatest goal's the enemy has on a woman is to directly damage these 3 parts of her heart.

I love looking down to physically see that reminder. That I am chosen. I am chosen by the creator of the universe, before the creation of all the world, He chose me. To be His daughter, His bride, to treasure and cherish me, forever. The vows that God made to me can never be broken, stolen, damaged, and will never change. He stays true to that promise.

If you look close, you will see a nail going through the "h" To remind me that He made the ultimate display of love anyone could ever make. By taking nails through His hands and feet, by literally giving His life to be with me.....a romantic, yet gory love story that I, me, Sarah, get to be the center of!!

As long as I can remember, I've tried to have a human man take that place in my life. I thought that if a man chose me, I would be satisfied. The only problem with that is that there is no human man that can do that perfectly. Whether it's a ranchy boyfriend or your husband that loves God and is faithful to you, no man can take that place in a woman's heart that longs to be chosen, treasured and cherished.

But there is a twist to all of this. God designed a man and wife to "play" the roles of who He is with us. He created a man and wife to display the dance, romance and love of Him and His beloved. So when the foundations are correct and in the right order, you have an amazingly powerful couple that experience true love the way God intended. I see now that as Joe fights for me and walks in that, he brings healing to me. As I embrace that I am chosen by GOD himself, there's a beauty that arises inside and protective walls will come down.

And as an ending note....I can't wait for my next tattoo!! :P:P:P:P

Highlights of Isaiah's 9th birthday party

2010-07-20T10:49:00.015-06:00

What is a trip to the pool without their famous fries and watered down ketchup?!

Isaiah wanted a Build-a-Bear cake....whatdya think? Wish I had more choices with icing colors. I ran out of colors.

The gang

Isaiah's money that she used to buy her very first hamster. She names him the same name of my childhood hamster, Toby.
Klaudia chowin down on Cheetos

Noah surrounded by girls....but he's used to it
Beautiful girlies

On the way home, a car full of hyper girls and Noah, just plain sick of it :P

From heroin to methadone

2010-07-16T14:57:00.003-06:00

They say that heroin is one of the hardest drugs to come off of. It's highly addictive with severe withdrawl symptoms. Withdraws can look like: nasty nausea, extreme vomiting, major diarrhea, wicked chills, runny nose, intense sweating, tears, really bad aches and pains in the muscles and extreme restlessness. So to take someone off of heroin without putting them through h e l l and back, doctors will actually ween the heroin addict slowly off and at the same time give them a similar drug called methadone. It helps with all those symptoms...

With all that said, My blog is now my replacement for my long lost friend-facebook. With the constant need to update what I'm doing and hear what others are doing. So I guess for the time being, my blog is my methadone. I have to relieve my "restlessness" aka-status updates in the form of useless random facts about my boring life LOL....sad isn't it?

But t'is what it is....so here are my facts for the day :P:P

-I have air conditioning!!!! Like real central air that comes out of your vents! The kind where you stand in your kitchen and have freezing cold air blow on your toes to the point where you have to wear slippers in the middle of summer!

-I am officially TATTOOED! I got my first tattoo yesterday and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! it's the word "Chosen" I will post pics of it soon :D And it is true what they say, as soon as you get your first one, you are already thinking of what to get next!!! Oh my....what have I started???!! :D:D and as a side note...I LOVE THIS BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!!

-Our plumbing is redicoulsy screwed up and I'm very nervous to get the bill when they are all done figuring out what the h e l l is wrong with it.
1. Our upstairs tub and toilet to not drain/flush.
2. we removed the toilet from downstairs and sink to replace lino and found a crapload of DIRT under the toilet!!! DIRT!?
3. there has been rank smells coming from our drains for like 2 to 3 years now
4. we found that under our tub....NEW TUB downstairs was a TON of stale gross water! where did that come from?
5. we've had coffee grinds come out of our laundry room drain

My kids DISSECTED a frog today! Like cut him open, took his guts out, cut off it's head, legs, found all it's innerads and then threw it out.....EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I may be getting a job at fitness focus.... There is a guy there that has already set it up for me, to be mentored, already told his boss about me....so maybe the shaw center won't be happening just yet :D:D:D:D

Thanks for sharing in my useless facts. The methadone is working in times of severe withdrawals :P

My opinion on the Mel Gibson rant

2010-07-13T16:31:00.005-06:00

So apparently there was a tape released by his 39 year old new girlfriend of Mel ranting, swearing, calling her names etc.... Being the curious person that I am, I had to hear it for myself. I have to admit, I think that tape was disgusting....and I'm not disgusted with Mel. The media is slamming him, saying that his career is over and that he's a new level of crazy. Of course, Mel's had his share of life struggles. Addiction mostly. It's human nature to take sides, and it's dumb for me to even think I could see this relationship in it's fullness, but there's a big part of me that's really @#!*% off at HER!

She set him up! It's so obvious that she preplanned that whole recording. And of course, the person with the least amount of self control gets slammed. He's raging mad, because he's hurt. I was able to hear his heart's cry in all the swearing and yelling. He just wants to be loved, for him, not for his money. This Oksana chick is known for being a gold digger. She's done it twice before in two other marriages.

Of course, Mel is reaping what he is sowing. He tried for 29 years to make his marriage work. He wasn't perfect. I'm sure that Robyn (his ex) went through alot with all of Mel's issues. But he's just another man, with a big hole in his heart for unconditional love. And listening to those tapes, there wasn't a single BREATH of compassion/love/support from Oksana. She gives two @#!*% about him. The fact that she put all this on the web???? What kind of a woman does that to her man? Someone after money I'd say.

After going through a separation myself, I see things differently. If I would have heard that tape before Joe left, I would have been all against Mel.....not so now. He's wounded. He's going for healing in all the wrong places and I believe he knows this. I think he knows his mistakes. I think that he loved Robyn, very very much. I believe he wanted to be a good dad and husband, but he gave up hope on himself and felt guilty for all the crap he pulled on the ones he loved. I believe that he tried starting over, and she conned him into thinking that she really loved him, which in fact, the truth comes out now that she's in it for his money. He sees this and is very hurt.

With all that said.....there are always two sides to the story. I'm not saying that she's all at fault, and he's a victim or she's a victim......I'm just saying that it's easy to attack the raging one. And once you listen to that actual recording, you can hear the coldness in her voice. He even says to her "you have no soul...you have NO soul!!" At least he HAS feelings!
If you want to hear a clip of it, you can click here. WARNING....it's not for young ears. lots of swearing and insulting.....

Living without facebook status updates

2010-07-11T14:02:00.002-06:00

Since I can't tell the world what I'm doing every two seconds, and since I know they care SO much, and since everyone is waiting on pins and needles to hear "what's on my mind".......
I'll have to release some of this on my blog....sigh....human nature is so interesting......

-I ran home from the church today, and I have one sore hip flexor and one sore ankle. It sucks when I can't run without pain.
-on the bright side, I came home and ate sushi and an asian salad...totally addicted to those premade salads with pinapples, almonds etc. It's only 150 cals per serving (plus tuna of course!)
-We need a sitter for lifegroup tonight! So if you are reading this and wanna come wrangle our rugrats for 2.5 hours, give us a call!

on a more deeper level:
-Something clicked yesterday for me. Realizing that I totally define myself by outward circumstances, people and things. When in fact, my core worth in internal......(im sure this is a no brainer for most people and so many people have been saying this to me for so long, but i just needed to be ready to hear it)
-have hope again for the first time in a while for myself.
-am learning to value myself
-am learning that I am a person separate from all other things and people.
-learning that it really wasn't my fault, and starting to let that actually sink in
-wanting more and more to be free......and i want it for me, and not someone else.

My life in point form

2010-07-07T22:35:00.002-06:00

I love these kind of posts. they are easy, to the point and it will relieve some of the withdrawls I'm having being without facebook :)

-We picked the paint for downstairs. Our 3 year old basement is getting renovated!
-Since we went color happy/crazy when we first bought the house, we are toning it down with some normal colors :)
-Taupe in our bedroom/dark chocolate trim.
-Noah's room almost got moved upstairs, but we quickly decided to keep him in his room.
-His room will also be taupe. He's a big boy now, time to move away from green apple and sky blue.
-our bathroom is getting a new tile looking multi colored gray....YES, I said gray lino.
-our bathroom floor will be complimented with a nice greenish gray.
-I GET AN ACTUAL TOILET PAPER ROLL! i WON'T HAVE TO PUT THE ROLL ON THE FLOOR, ON THE SIDE OF THE TUB ANYMORE! (Big highlight!)
-We've decided to use the opportunity and paint our kitchen cupboards downstairs before the carpet is laid. A deep dark bitter chocolate is the color.
-Our front window is getting replaced due to the massive amounts of water that comes into our living room everytime it rains.
-And the office is finally going to be turned into an actual office and not a junk room.

Now for the Waldherr's to pull all of the above off will be a miracle. And when and if we do.....don't call us for at least 6 months, cause we will be resting :P

CANADA DAY!

2010-07-03T14:22:00.030-06:00

Getting ready! Apparently, tattoos can go anywhere
Faithfulness, tattoos done
Man! Tattoos do not come off easy, fun to put on tho!

On the drive there
Leave it to mom to go all out
Nin and Sarah little clones
That actually looks like I'm pushing Caleb's wheelchair :(
Joseph, made in Canada
My dad and his astro rockets :D
Can there be a family gathering without Timmy's coffee? nah
Me and my Sheesha
Nin has a dove like light on her head!
Family!

This was my raincape when I was little! My parents bought it when "galaxyland" was "fantasy land" in the West Edmonton Mall.
I love my Camille!

Team Moore
My cuz and his rockin girlfriend Carrie
More family!
Nothin like grandma cuddles
Team BOY Moore
Me daddy
Peek!

Watchin the fireworks
Elishah a bit scared...

The 2nd annual Waldherr Bridgecity boogie

2010-07-01T18:58:00.015-06:00

Our second year! Last year, I ran the 5km with my super cousin Holly. As much as I totally enjoyed that run, I missed my family so much! Joe had all the kids by himself. So I promised them that I would never run separately from them again!

The kids, all stoked! Faith is so proud that she had to tell everyone that she wasn't going in the stroller this year, but running with the big kids!

We met more of the hope team!

Faith asking every two seconds, "when are we gonna start mom??!"

Joe and Noah took off in a flash, leaving the girls in their dust trail! they finished the 2km run without stopping one second. They were gracious enough to come back to get us later :)

Go team Waldherr!

It's finally time!!!! Faith is officially happy and excited!

Trying hard! She did awesome!

My girlies runnin just like their momma!

After the race! The kids love their little treat bags of oranges, fruit snacks and granola bars.

aaaaaa.....shade!
Next year, we were thinking of the 5km. we will see, depending on the youngest Waldherr joining us at age 4.

my night tonight

2010-06-27T19:17:00.003-06:00

So, my father in law comes over for supper. it was a nice chicken with potatoes, gravy...etc.....the night is nice so we decide to go to the park and then stop for icecream.

On the way to the park, I can start to feel my "heartburn" flair up. I wonder now what would have happened if I had had some pepto bismol in my purse, like I usually do. At the first sign of an "attack" (as I call it) I do whatever I can to stop it. But tonight, I didn't have anything. I knew that my supper did not go down well. It was getting stuck all through the meal. By the time we got to the park, i was in a fair bit of pain. I had 2 extra strength zantac and that was it. I needed some milk or something to help these pills go down.

Left the family at the park, drove to the nearest store to buy a milk. open it and drink it before i pay for it......the pain level goes from an 8 to a 5. ok, maybe this will pass. drive back to the park, sipping on my milk, waiting for the zantac to do something. nothing.....it starts to get worse again. My pain goes to a 9 and I start to panic. thinking about running behind a building to throw up whatever is stuck in my esophagus to ease the pain. Joe comes to check on me, and I told him what I was thinking. He told me to give it a try. ( we were a long way from home)

So here I am, behind a building, crouching down on my hands and knees throwing up into a bush......it was lovely. Being a recovering bulimic, the puke didn't bother me so much as being in public, hiding, and wondering if anyone saw me, what on earth would they think??!

No relief......pain stays at an 8/9 and I had to leave my family at the park to come home. To gulp pepto/try to eat crackers/throw up some more......now my pain is sitting at a 3 or so.

Is this what I have to look forward to? only for it to progress and get worse? God help me.
:(

sister see sister do

2010-06-23T08:55:00.003-06:00

1. when you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I get NEW hair via my genius JILLA!!! Appointment is T-3.5hours!

2. do you miss anyone right now?
Honestly, I miss myself. I have somehows vacated life and don't know where I went. I hope I can find myself soon...and when I find me, I hope that I like who I find.

3. if you could move anywhere else, would you?
These days, moving to a secluded island where I would have no distractions, nothing calling me to pour milk, do laundry, take down xmas lights, worry about basement reno bills....etc.....so that I could actually HAVE the time to see if I can find my missing self.

4. if you could choose, what would your last meal be?
Right off the bat, a meal that wouldn't get stuck. But I would choose whole wheat spagetti topped with pinapples, onions, mushrooms, chicken, tomatoes, in a spicy curry sauce with a side of bread dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar...hmmmm

5. what famous person, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with?
Right now, it would be my new friend Jasmine. But I get to have my first coffee with her tomorrow night and NOT stand her up :P

6. what was the last book you read?
Actually completed? Not sure. Lately, I've had the tendency to read till it hurts, or hits a nerve, than put down the book for a breather, or maybe you might call it running away.

7. what was the last movie you watched?
Daybreakers. which is weird that I'm watching movies about vampires....i actually liked it.

8. what was the last song you heard?
haha....my neighbour across the street has been blaring "Airplanes" by B.O.B. over and over and over. So i think that was the last song i heard. Other than that, it's most likely an eminem song.

9. what is your dream vacation?
Somewhere on a beach, in a teenie bikini soaking up rays with my hubby :D

10. what is the next trip you will take?
We're going to the Waldherr family reunion in August. So look out Yorkton, here we come!!! :P

11. did you ever go to camp?
I had to laugh at my sister's memories of camp. I forgot that Lance made you drink your gravol! hahaha! My memories of camp were sneaking out of the cabin late at night, drinking whiskey that my boyfriend brought, getting kicked out of camp for breaking all the rules, getting caught in the boys cabins, carving my friends name into my arm with a safety pin to become blood friends (:-O) and I think there was some singing around a camp fire in there too.

12. have you ever been in love?
I keep thinking that I am in love, then I fall deeper and deeper.....love just keeps going.....:D Just when you think you know what love is, you go and realize it's just so much more than you think!

13. what do you want to know about the future?
that's all in the past.
You mean the future.
Whatever! It demonstrates precisely how time travel can be mis-used, and why the time machine must be destroyed, after we straighten all of this out.

14. where is your best friend?
Currently, my best friend is at work, providing wonderfully for his family. another best friend is proabably in her backyard having a smoke smacking all the mosquitos, yet another is somewheres in willowgrove hopefully enjoying her very active, very super cute little boy....

15. how is your best friend?
I think they are all well

16. who is the biggest gossiper you know?
i have to go with nin on this one, probably her. :P

17. what does your last text message say?
Text message? call me old, but I don't even have a cell phone

18. what are 3 things you've always wanted to do, that you still plan to accomplish?
Run a marathon, finish this house!!!!! and to heal....fully and completely....

19. what is one thing you learned from your parents?
That yard work is overrated and a waste of time and if you don't do it, someone else will. that it's better to be real than a liar. that to stay young, all you have to do is occasionally scare people, play jokes on them, even if you're the only one laughing (like putting cheese slices in shoes) and that blood is thicker than anything else.

20. what is one thing you hope to teach to your own children?
for sure just to be honest. with honesty, you can get through anything. and of course to know that they are loved no matter what they've done.

2010-05-28T20:11:00.005-06:00

I don't post much no more. Usually I wait until I have something good to say, which you can tell, those times are very far and few between.

So instead of waiting till I have all my @#!*% together, I'll just spit out where I'm at.
These days, I am down. I can feel the judgment (whether it's legit or coming from me) I just hear it in my head "why aren't you postive? where's your upbeat spirit? come on, get it together, you could be SO much worse off than you are! you have so much to be thankful for! Your heart is so ungrateful........etc......."

The flood in our house is one thing. I think I can handle that. It's pretty overwhelming, but we've been there before and my friend Morgan said to me, "you are designed to handle chaos! you are so good with it" I still feel very much in survival mode instead of thriving mode tho. It's amazing to have my best friend right beside me through all this. Joe and I are so close now, that I can't believe how long we lived "apart"!! We are support for each other. we are laughing together, listening to each other, and when one is down, the other picks up the slack.

But it's this diagnosis that I'm having a hard time accepting. I sense around me that people are down playing what it is and I sense the "get over it" attitude, "it's not that big a deal" But IT IS! And I am the one that has to live with it. People are just like, "well, get the surgery and it will all be better" but it won't be! achalasia has no cure and doctors can only treat half of the problem. The surgery that I am probably getting doesn't solve the problem, it only bandaids it for a time. There's a 70-90% success rate, only for a time. My surgeon said that this is the end of the line. If I get this surgery, there is nothing else they can do other than remove my entire esophagus! so that means there is a 10-30% chance I could get my whole esophagus removed! they would then move my stomach up to my throat (which is a 10% mortality rate doing that surgery)

Call me down, say i have no faith, say I am not positve and that I'm looking at it from the wrong angle.....but this is my life! I have 4 kids and I'm only 31. This surgery lasts from 10-25 years. that puts me anywhere from 40-55 that this surgery will fail me.....

If I don't find my secret place soon, I don't know where I'm gonna end up. think what you want, but this is where I'm at. and I am sad today.

Life without ED....or should I say Edith?

2010-04-27T11:10:00.003-06:00

Right off the cuff----I appreciate all my support. Those that comment and those that don't. To my readers, I appreciate you. I know that you are there for me if I need, and there are those that consistently pray for me. God bless!

Joe picked me up a new book by recommendation of my eating disorder counselor. It's called "Life without Ed" ED stands for Eating Disorder. I am so encouraged! It's been very eye opening! It still baffles me that for so long I've had an obvious issue with food, but have never gone for help! I guess I thought that God was enough (which HE IS) But I've learned that IT"S OK TO ASK FOR HELP AND THAT DOESN"T MEAN YOU HAVE LESS FAITH!

This book was written by a woman who was "married to Ed" for most of her life. She has successfully divorced him now and is sharing her hope with others. She takes a different approach to dealing with the E.D. by giving it a name, a personality, a voice, and ultimately, SEPARATING HERSELF FROM WHO ED IS.

She asked in the first chapter whether your eating disorder was male or female. Hers was very much male. I knew right away that mine was female. It's a perfect 10 drop dead gorgeous woman that constantly tells me how I don't measure up and if I would only be like her, I would be happy. So, it was Joe's idea to name her Edith (cause she's ED....with 'death' at the end)

I'm starting to realize how much I have agreed with Edith. I have OWNED her thoughts, OWNED her ideas, her goals, her vision, her destruction, her lies, her condemnation.....I feel like I'm getting my power back by realizing that THAT"S NOT ME! I want to be healthy! My goals are NOT her goals! I'm starting to "disobey" her voice more and more. Not always. I still listen alot of the time. But I'm coming to peace with the fact that I've had 20+years of listening to a foreign voice, it will take time to learn what my thoughts are and what God's thought are for me.

Honestly....very honestly....it's not like i didn't know all this before. It was mostly all in "Christianeze" In Christian terms, which have become confusing to me, since they have been mixed with religion, and man's judgments. This is a fresh new tool for me that has been given to me, I believe by God, to use in such a time as this.

I am excited and scared to really pursue divorcing my eating disorder. Even though I haven't purged in over 2 years, I have realized that the voice didn't leave when I gave up purging. It just changed form, it changed shape and voice. Edith morphed her way into the gym with me, into restriction of calories and different thinking patterns. It was foolish of me to think that my eating disorder was gone when I stopped throwing up. I didn't understand it, but now, I think I"m beginning to get it.....
:)

Paradox?

2010-04-17T13:33:00.004-06:00

I used to be strong....i think.....

These days, I am easily defeated. My foundation that is supposedly being rebuilt is still so shaky. The demolition and construction seem to be going at a snails pace.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but why is it that one thing can just throw your whole world into a new dimension? Things have been thrown my way my whole life and then one curve ball knocks me on my @#!*% and puts me on what seems like the sidelines for months and months.

I've said the word "disorientated" many many times in the last year and a half. I'd like to believe that I'm finding more and more ground as the months go on.....but somedays, I still feel so lost. Still plagued with the questions
"am i worth it?"
"who am I?"
"am I beautiful?"
"am i enough?"
"what is my purpose?"
and probably the most plaguing question of them all: "am I chosen?"

The latest veggie thrown into my tossed salad is my new diagnosis. I have a rare swallowing disease called achalasia. It affects 1 out of every 100 000 people. it is a progressive disease that has no cure. I am trying to hold onto hope, faith like i used to, but it's like i forget how, or maybe I'm just tired of saying things like, "everything happens for a reason, there is a plan, god will heal me, take care of me, i praise you in this storm"........etc........

It's like i've been saying those things all my life. like the strong young christian woman that i am. But life really has beaten me down. I can't do it anymore. I'm completely spent. Maybe there's a few of you out there reading this that will say, "GREAT! Now she will surrender. Now God can be strong, becuase she's finally weak!"

Whatever that means. Parts of me hopes that God can step in more because I am admitting defeat, but parts of me is scared that I am really losing who I am meant to be. I WANT TO BE STRONG. I keep calling to the warrior in me......who seems to be so far in the distance, she is out of calling range.

I really am to the point that I don't care at all what people think of me anymore....which is really freeing! I'm not afraid to make mistakes anymore, and i don't have to worry about masks, or putting my best foot forward anymore. I think I'm sometimes putting my worst foot forward to see who will still walk with me through this.

I know I've changed. I've got a few more walls up, but yet a few less barriers. I have less fear of man, but yet an insecurity I've never had before. I've become more careful, and yet I'm more carefree. I'm not as legalistic and religious, but yet possibly leaning to far the other way.

I do choose hope. I choose life, as best as i know how. God, i know you can hear me. and i know you're there. I will continue to call out to you.
make all this into something beautiful.....including me.....

2010-03-26T14:58:00.002-06:00

i've started so many blogs, and have never had such a bad bloggers block before. people have proabaly given up reading. which i would if there were so little posts.

anyway, i am forcing myself to give an update. as boring as it will be. Maybe it will be one of those things, that the longer you leave it, the harder it is to write.

My esophagus update:

I went for a barrium swallow, where they make drink this chalky white stuff and then they xray you to see how the stuff goes down and if it gets stuck etc. This test told the doctor that i had a narrowing in my esophagus and that it spasms as it tried to get the stuff down. According to this test, my narrowing was quite small and the doctors rushed me to top priority to have my esophagus stretched out! they said that it was as narrow as a pencil! They were surprised that I haven't lost weight and were very concerned with my ability to get food into my stomach. They explained to me that because of my bulimia, i have built up scar tissue around the opening which could contribute to the narrowing.

On the day of surgery. My doc said that most paitents are awake during the stretching, but because mine was so narrow, they wanted to put me out since it would be very painful and would want me to stay still. Everything went super good. exept for after. My surgeon came to me after and said that she didn't find any narrowing...... ??????....... she said that my tissue looked normal and healthy.......??????.......

which would seem like a miracle right? but then she said she suspects that i have this thing called achalasia. it's a disease of the esophagus that effects 1 in every 100 000 and it would be completely unrelated to my bulimia......??????....... of course, i looked it up and saw that it's uncurable and increases your risk to cancer of the esophagus and there is no real treatment for it other than really invasive surgery which might not even work anyway!

So I wait for a test. they will again put a camera down my throat and have me drink water. they say it won't be very fun. but they will be able to determine if i have this disease or not. I'm trying not to freak out. at least with the narrowing, I knew WHY it happened. I knew it was my fault and there was treatment for it. but this disease just scares me. why me?

this is my first update. hopefully in the next couple of days i will update on fitness training and certification.

Caleb's birthday and my 2 year

2010-02-10T12:24:00.002-06:00

Feb 5 came and went. That's my son's birthday. He would have been 13. Life is so strange. It goes on without your questions getting answered. It can be a blur of emotions and events. For some people, life is purposeful, and it makes sense. Not so with me. I'm still waiting for the day I can truly find my footing. Grounding in a solid foundation that doesn't shake and fall apart with events and emotions. I thought at one point in my life that I had that. Maybe I was "getting there"......but being in a blur, I still don't know the answer to that either.

God has given us something solid to stand on. Given us all something safe to hide in, something worth living for, something that doesn't change like the shadows. But when I look at my life......(from today's perspective) it's a blur. It's just all these things that have happened that have caused havoc on my insides. God continues to bring me to a pressing point. A place of heat, and loving pressure. I know he does this so I can willingly be rid of inner junk.......each time, I hope and pray I'm closer to letting that junk go.....

One of these days, circumstances won't be what makes me who I am. One of these days, His solid truth will be enough. I'm hoping....praying.....begging, pleading that one of these days, I will be released from the anger, bitterness, and the pain. One of these days, I will see my life through God's eyes and it will be peaceful. I will find peace. I will know it wasn't my fault. I will have forgiven myself and others. I will have peace about my son, why he was given to me and why he went home before his 10th birthday. I will know why I had an 18 year long eating disorder . And if God never explains "why" on this earth, I will have peace with not having to know why.

These are my thoughts today

Fitness certification and my heart

2010-02-08T13:37:00.003-06:00

Friends had told me what to expect at my group module fitness class this weekend, but nothing can really prepare you till you're there.

We started the day on Saturday with step and high low aerobics. Our teacher took us through a full class of each, so that we knew and were familiar with taking that class. While she was teaching us through the class, she was teaching us how to teach! Then, we spent alot of the day building our own class and teaching our individual lessons to eachother.....which meant alot more step!

Sunday was a shock for a lot of us. We started 9am sharp with a bootcamp class. I think our instructor wanted to see really what we could do. I felt like I was on the biggest loser! Within 15 minutes, someone puked! Our intervals were like anything I've ever done. It was extremely challenging, but super fun too. I remember at one point, I was focusing my mind on giving birth to my babies, coaching myself through all the pain......

I had so much fun! I learned so many new things and it was very character building. People don't think that a bootcamp workout can really challenge your character, but when the rubber meets the road, you have to TELL your body to move or it just won't!

After bootcamp, we had to continue to build our own practical classes and teaching eachother. Needless to say, that today, I am walking around feeling every muscle I have in my body....I am realizing that I have muscles that I didn't know where there! Which is a bittersweet pain for me :D

I met a lot of neat people with similar goals. Which to be honest, it felt good to be around people that didn't look at you like you were a totally unbalanced person. They love to be active and it's just a part of their lifestyle. So when you tell them that you workout 4-5 times per week, they don't look at you like you're on crack.

I'm excited to start helping others. I think it's a good move to channel my focus on others and helping people rather than just doing it for me. My hubby is SOOO good and supportive. He was amazing this weekend! On Saturday, he took Faith to ballet, washed the van, picked up groceries, made crepes for lunch, cleaned the house and had supper on by the time I got home! He told me it was to show me how much he supports me in this. On Sunday, he took them to church, fed them lunch, cleaned the house again and made farmer sausage for supper. I am so blessed to have such an amazing man!!!!!! sigh......

He encouraged me to dream, to dream of all that God would have for me. Ironically......of course the way God does things.....there was a woman in my class. I did NOT LIKE HER. She just threatened me. She was a representation of a lot of hurt and I knew that. But God used her out of EVERYONE in that class to speak into me.....that made me both mad, and cry. I wanted to hate her, but God kept pouring out encouragement and love that I became friends with her!!

God is good, even tho I'm still so stubborn, weak and seem so unmoldable. He somehow breaks through.....I don't know how. But he does. I hope it has something to do with my biggest prayer.
God, don't let me go. don't let me go hard. break through whatever you need to, even if I'm kicking and screaming, I give you permission to hold my arms down and sit on me if you have to. Have your way.......have your way........even the things I'm admitting that I'm not ready to let go of yet, I WANT to let go of them. Help me, release my death grip on my pitiful, useless forms of comfort. Make me into what glorifies you........

My song for this season

2010-02-01T10:11:00.003-06:00

You look around
It's staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under?
You wonder

What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water too

So get out
And let
Your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste
Don't wait
Don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for
I know you're not sure
So you play it safe
Try to run away

If you take that first step
Into the unknown
He won't let you go

STEP OUT
Even when a storm hits
STEP OUT
Even when you're broken
STEP OUT
Even when your heart is telling you telling you to give up
STEP OUT
When your hope is stolen
STEP OUT
You can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid

So what are you waiting,
What are you waiting for?

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water...
Walk on the water too

Britt Nicole-Walk on the Water

finding balance

2010-01-14T09:35:00.005-06:00

over the last several years, I started a journey. towards health, fitness, and wholeness.....never woulda thought that the road would be what it has been! I've gone through back trails and side trails, hit road blocks, and downhills to speed up the process too! I've gone off road, and even sat in the middle of the road.

My heart is mixed with selfishness and a desire to follow after God. Mixed with pain and woundedness and a courage and bravery that comes from God......I've been reflecting on the journey in the last while, with a desire for new eyes, a new passion to walk the right road. I wish the path was simple, but hopefully, it's complexity is bringing fruit and growth.

I'll start back when I decided to start running. My heart wanted to be healthy and learn spiritual truths through physical parallel's. A year after my running started, I stopped throwing up my food! On Feb 5th 2008(my son, Caleb's birthday) I threw up my food for the last time, another big step towards healing and wholeness. After that point, I was literally held accountable for everything I put in my mouth. Which was a HUGE mind shift for me!

8 months after my last bulimic episode, my husband walked out the door. Fortunately and unfortunately, this wounded me very deeply. Having to walk through deep things have been so painful, yet I'm starting to become grateful for the opportunity to heal and build new foundations. After hearing a huge blow of betrayal fall of 2008, my walk in health and fitness took a turn for the worse. My dreams of following God's heart became a desperate need to fix myself. Fix my body, and loose weight. My eating has suffered some unhealthy patterns and my trips to the gym became twisted and sick.

Fighting through the "winding road" to balance, health and wholeness, has taken me pretty much in every direction. Even though I have still not thrown up my food, I have obssesively used the gym to purge calories, I have borderlined on anorexia, I have even put money under my matress (fall of 2008) to save for plastic surgery!

Reflecting on the last 6 months, I think I see some growth....i think ;) Mexico was very healing for me, it was also in a time period where food had no hold on me. I could eat and enjoy it. I would workout and enjoy it. God has shown me small tastes of freedom only for me to take my life into my own hands and save myself. Ending in painful dead ends, I am learning (the hard way---as usual) which roads cause massive pain. (note to self DON"T TRY TO SAVE YOURSELF<>

By November, I was building myself into a strong powerhouse. Moving up weights, running farther and faster than ever. All the while, empty as hell. I started getting really frustrated with myself because i was still eating more calories than I needed which was fueling my "need" to be at the gym. Wanting so badly to control my eating, I still focused on my gym efforts, because that's what made me feel strong.

End of November, I got sick. Very sick. The gym had to wait. But with my poor eating habits, I was getting paranoid that the calories weren't getting burned off. 3 weeks go by and not a single trip to the gym. As I start feeling better, I decide to give the gym a try......BAD MISTAKE. Even tho I felt semi-fine, my body was NOT ready for a huge full body workout. My body needed that last bit of energy to heal, instead it was used to repair all the muscles I just ripped. Bang! a full body relaspe! sick for another 4 weeks! At this point, I didn't even want to go back! I was tired and had no energy. My life's schedule was now used to not going to the gym and Xmas was here and there was no time. I could feel my clothes getting tighter, but God was speaking to me.

I believe that God used that time of sickness for 2 things. He showed me that I won't DIE if i don't go to the gym. and second, to show me that I can't save myself. He has brought me to a deeper level of surrender as I now step on scale to see I've gained 10 pounds.

Now to walk out of this with greater balance, greater wisdom, greater surrender....I am now counting my calories for some structure and going to the gym, NOT to burn calories, but to be healthy.....
I have a long way to go. I just want to be normal. I want to eat and enjoy, I want to workout and have fun. I don't want weight, size, food, the gym to consume me. I want to be free, and I believe I'm getting closer to that.....

31 and falling apart

2009-12-18T11:38:00.003-06:00

Okay, so last night sucked ass!

After supper, heart burn started even before bed. after drinking 4 doses of pepto, was able to fall asleep till 4:30am
Drinking another 3 doses of pepto, sleeping SITTING UP on my couch till 7:30. I try everything. I'm on meds that are for people with ulcers and reflux disease.....

It's just so discouraging that for once in my life I am pursuing health and fitness. Beginning my very first career in fitness training and i feel like my body is falling apart. I'm supposed to see a specialist about this and my Dr. seems to think I'm going to need surgery!

Who woulda thunk that those years of bulimia would cause such extreme health problems! So strange that my problems started AFTER I stopped throwing up. makes no sense to me. It will be 2 years on February 5 since I have had an episode WHICH IS FRIGGEN AMAZING! but.....I have to live with such pain now :(
I told Joe and my sis the other day that I would rather gain some weight again, then go back to that life!!! And I know myself well enough to know that if I throw up JUST ONCE.....that's it....it's game over for me, i'll be back to where I was, throwing up everyday.... YUCK!

But in the meantime.....I can't help thinking that by the time I'm 50, what kind of problems will i have then with my liver? my stomach, my bowels??? People that are 50 have my kind of problems, not 30 year olds....

I just wish I could go back and 'figure it out' sooner.....but some people have to learn the hard way :( There's this one line of a song that says, "make something beautiful out of all this suffering" I wish I could see a purpose in all this.....

2009-12-14T14:45:00.001-06:00

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me decide.

According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.

Since I'm being brutally honest....why stop now?

2009-11-20T15:05:00.005-06:00

So, after my weekend melt down, a tiny part of courage in me says "yes" to a secular music fast that Joe suggests. Joe asks me how long, "a week?" "I think it's going to take a lot longer than a week to plow through this" So on Sunday, we started a secular music fast. How long will it be for?....i don't know yet.....

I'm not doing this because I think secular music is evil or that anyone that listens to it is going to hell. I'm doing this for these reasons:

I am starving to death. Over the last few months, I have lost my desire to listen to anything worship or praise related. I have realized in small parts that the music I choose, feeds a hurting part of me. it band-aids my hurts in a 'quick fix' type of way. It feeds me the messages that I can do it by myself! That I don't need anyone and can't trust anyone. Some of my music makes me feel sexy and powerful.

I've gone on many food fasts before, but have never experienced a fast with something OTHER than food that I was so TIED to! You don't realize how much you are glued to something until you take it away. I am actually going through withdrawals! There are many times that ALL I want to do is turn on a certain song to get lost, escape, to fill myself with a false sense of self confidence. I've had one slip this week. I was on my way somewhere, when I wondered what was on the other stations. I quickly checked on C95 and my latest favorite song was playing! Oh, I couldn't turn it off! I decided to just listen to this one song and that was it. It was so eye opening to see me come alive! I got all pumped up, excited, was singing in my car.....God has been so good to open my eyes and to pursue this broken, messed up human being. I can't believe He actually is.

This year hasn't been easy. But I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel. My world from MY perspective it's went from white to black and then back to white, when actually in real reality went from black to white. The hurt in our marriage turned my world to black when I found out about it, but then I got a brand spankin new husband! From the moment he repented, he hasn't been the same. Walking a clear non wavering, no doubt in my mind that he has changed! I didn't know I was actually living in black until God redeemed it, back to white. Having a spiritually strong and stable husband is all new to me! Having Joe step in places that I felt alone before is awesome, but at the same time, it's disorientating. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself! It's like I'm having to find myself all over again, in light of my new husband! It's a sweet way to loose yourself of course! I can't imagine if he hadn't come back home and walked away from us for good! What would I even look like then???!!!!!

All this shaking of my world has left me very confused and disorientated. Finding my way through the stages of grief, all the way up to now, where I am slowly allowing God to come back into my heart on very real terms. I am back to learning how to spoon feed myself simple worship songs. Learning to stop swearing at the lyrics and embracing the messages of hope and love.

My pastors wife, (AN AWESOME WOMAN!!) was here for coffee and I said, "I can't believe how this music fuels me!" Her answer was quick and pointed, "of course that makes sense! you are a worshiper, God has placed that in you, no wonder the other side feeds you like it does!" I miss dancing before God. Will I ever again? I miss my pretty white dress, will I be able to wear it for my daddy God? If you read this, please pray that I will have to courage and strength to contiune this fast as long as it takes for God to soften my heart, redeem and heal what's there.

Here it goes.......New light on a sick and twisted way of living

2009-11-16T14:44:00.007-06:00

Whatever about people judging me. You can think whatever you want when you read my blog. I find writing helps me sort things out and maybe, just maybe, it may help someone out there not to make all my flippin mistakes.

So my latest stupid thing came out this weekend. And i hate it. God told me something so ridiculous that I don't even know what to say or how to respond yet. For a while, I've been crying out to him, "where are you!!!!!!?, why aren't you helping me???? answering me??? speaking to me???? rescueing me?" He says to me, "cause you don't need me. You are your own saviour. You aren't in need of a saviour." I had some words with him. Somewhere this summer, I didn't feel safe with him any longer. I felt that he was not protecting me, and that he HADN"T protected me. If He was trustworthy, than he would have saved me BEFORE all the shit hit the fan. I was very very honest with him and poured out my hurt and abandonment to him and left it at that. I have never really experienced this in my walk with God before. Maybe I have, but not in such an obvious way. Somwhere in the last 6 months, I chose to no longer trust God and trust in myself. After all, I know me and can control the outcomes of life (or so I thought)

With my last post, I shared that I have blamed myself for alot of things and have also not forgiven myself for things I have done. So you mix those two things with being your own saviour......hmmmmm......things just keep getting worse.

I cried one night to Joe. The things pouring out of my heart were, "I feel like I'm dying a slow death. I feel like the more I try to find my life, i loose it (hmmm, sound familiar?)

I wake up everyday (in my mind) In a big hole! In a whole ton of debt. Someone needs to pay for the offense. I'm to blame for this that and the other thing. If you weren't ____ than ____ wouldn't have happened. Not to mention that if I would only loose the last BLASTED 10 pounds, than life would be grand! So I become the saviour. I am the only one that can be trusted to get myself out of this mess (or so I think)
I get up every day and get on the scale. It's confirmed, I'm in debt and work needs to be done. I go to the gym and kill many birds with one stone. In the moments of working out, I feel empowered, in control, safe in my own hands. I am able to push myself farther each time to prove to myself that I can am strong enough and don't need anyone else. I see myself get stronger each week which (for only those moments) increases a false security in this body that will one day turn to dust.

On deeper levels, I kick the shit out of myself, punish myself, hurt myself.....to pay for the deeds done. To pay for what "was my fault" What does keep me running that extra lap? Lifting those extra pounds? Knowing that I deserve the pain, and somewhere I've been whipping myself, thinking that eventually, the debt will be gone....but it never is.
Another level that working out touches is I get to 'run away' from life just for a while. I can get lost in a world of music, and concentrate on the pain infront of me. If my legs hurt, who the hell cares? I'd rather my legs burn like hell than my heart ache from real life)

Writing this out, I feel like vomitting. How does a person get so messed up? Or better yet, how in the heck does a person get OUT of this mess?

At the ladies retreat at church, I didn't sing a single word of a worship song. I sat there trying to find my way through a maze of emotions and confusion. With my feet resting on a chair across from me....I was staring at my shoes. Cause, who woulda guessed? I brought my workout garb to the ladies retreat, just incase I could fit in a workout......which I did. 80 flights of stairs and a shitload of wall squats made me feel happy for the moment. But later that night, when the workout is done and my heart is still hurting......and women are singing their hearts out to God....I'm sitting there....starring at my stupid shoes. The shoes that I live in. that I almost feel enchained to. The shoes that tell me what I need to do, how long I need to do it.

Somewhere inside, I know that God is good. And that I will make it through this, make things right, and be stronger than I ever was IN HIM.... I know I'm willing. well, most of the time.... :P Somewhere down the line, I will be helping others, speaking to them their VALUEABLE WORTH in God and how much they are loved, unconditionally. Because I will know, I will have walked it, wrestled it, and overcame it.......I know I will.....

These are the newest, grossest revelations that my God has given me. Apparently God hasn't given up on me yet.....is there hope for me? I .....hope.....so......

A new door to walk through

2009-11-07T20:51:00.007-06:00

This healing journey never has dull moments. This last year, God has taken me all over the map.
From healing childhood memoires, to experiencing deep grief over life, to laughing with joy with my hubby-to crying a deep deep anguish with him too. Finding out all that's inside of me has been exciting, scary, painful, joyful, numbing,....etc.....

In Mexico, in the middle of our honeymoon, God opens up a door. A door that opened 4 hours of crying and pain. I am slowly entering this door. Courageously and most times scared shitless. Inside this door, I have found a few things that need to be cleaned out and sorted through. The first words that met me with a mountain wave of pain was, "IT WAS NOT MY FAULT" Saying it out loud was unbearable. To actually believe it---well, that has yet to come.

As I step one foot infront of the other into this room, I am met with other things. "I NEED TO FORGIVE MYSELF" Who knew? Until I stepped foot in this door, I thought I was resentful for other reasons, but as I squeemishly go inside, I'm seeing that I have a strong root of bitterness towards MYSELF! I am ENRAGED at times at myself! It comes out like a force as strong as a hurricane. Tapping into these deep feelings have been painful to say the least.

The two go hand in hand, and I don't know how God will sort this out. Blaming myself for what's happened in our marriage and pinning all my wrongs and faults to it is like mixing gasoline and fire. It's a recipe for self hatred, condemnation and self sabotage. It's like giving the devil a baseball bat and saying, "here, hit me with this"

Both God and Joe are lovingly speaking the truth that it wasn't my fault and that I NEED to forgive myself. I was young, I was immature, I was giving birth to baby after baby! My coping skills were narrowed down to big macs and a toilet bowl. My knowledge was limited to dropping out of highschool in order to raise a severely disabled child! Basic life skills were never modelled or taught to me. My relationship and marriage began in a foundation after DRUG REHAB loaded with truck loads of baggage! My resources were amazing and I know have been a huge reason as to why we are still together and a true God send!

(As a side note: People that struggle with, "Oh, I don't have a really cool testimony with drugs, sex and rock and roll....I wish I had cool stories of rescue...." DON'T EVER WISH ON YOURSELF IN A MILLION BILLION TRILLION YEARS! The pain is NOT worth the "cool stories" The consequences last you will into your life......and for those who are reading this that are dabbling in drugs, sex, and all that "FUN STUFF"....STOP!!!!!!! NOW!!!!! If I knew you, knew what you were doing, I'd slap you....and that is that.)

As we continue to root out piles of crap, I think that maybe, soon, we will see the bottom of the porcelain bowl. Hopefully, we aren't taking any new dumps into the already rawnchy smelling mound. Hopefully, God is in this crap somewhere. Digging around in it, sometimes doesn't really feel like He is, but somewhere, deep deep down inside, I know He is.......

Who wants to hear a lice story? (Caution....swear words in post)

2009-10-27T08:15:00.000-06:00

Day one:
I'm drying Isaiah's hair before school....I see something move......I look.......it moves again, along with other things that are moving.....
My FIRST WORD: "SHIT!" I walk away from the child, stomping my foot into the floor, saying, "shit, shit shit!"
Walk towards the girl, in disbelief....I have to check again! This can't be happening!!!! More lice "SHIT!" (pounding my hand with a fist) again.....I walk away from the girl.
Phone my sister (she's on pickup for school) She answers,
"Hello?"
"SHIT!"
"WHAT!?"
"SHIT.......WE > HAVE > LICE!" ........
Nin responds...."shit..." (It's become the word of the day)
(Later I profusely apologize to my girl for swearing and reassure her that it's not her fault)
Look in Noah's head, more bugs! K, now I'm freaking out! and call Joe. "We are INFESTED with lice!"

Pull off ALL bedding, all blankets, all coats, all towels, all clothes, pretty much anything and everything you can wash and form the biggest, most largest mountain my laundry room has EVER seen! Start with NIX........Treat everyone in the family......the result? Still live bugs!
Buy a BIG jar of mayo and slop copious amounts of it and crown it with lovely saran wrap. Sit for 5 hours........with grease dripping down our necks, the kids can't take another minute........ STILL LIVE BUGS!!!!

DAY 2: K......need to do something desperate! SHAVE NOAH"S HEAD! There! He's done! The two younglins are clean. But Isaiah, I'm NOT going to shave her head. So Isaiah and I dye our hair! It seems like that worked! No more live bugs. YAAA! Spend 2 HOURS picking out about 20 eggs. Feel like we're getting somewhere.

Day 3: I'm doing the routine laundry. drying ALL bedding so that the heat kills anything. Vacuuming couches, floors and mattresses. Some people may think this is over kill...... Do the daily routine check on Isaiah, and find 2 eggs! Did I miss them? Cause I SWEAR, I picked them all out the day before...but I guess I missed them..... Go to the top of her head....A DAMN LIVE BUG!!!! Where the %$#@ did he come from? Did this bug hatch overnight and lay 2 eggs? How did this bug survive all this treatment? Did she pick it up from a couch? A bed....that was vacuumed?

Each day, everyone gets a pure tea tree oil head treatment. We leave it on for 30 minutes with a shower cap on to hopefully kill and prevent reinfestation. Go to nit pick Isaiah....and find 7 more eggs! Will this ever end? Did I MISS them? Or did a bug lay these eggs?
Over the next 2 days, I do find an egg here and there on Isaiah, but no bugs. on day 5....NO MORE EGGS!

Tomorrow marks the 7th day and hopefully the day of completion. Tomorrow we again all treat ourselves, just to be sure. Isaiah has taken this all in stride. All the sitting and picking and washing and losing all their dear stuffties....

Pondering on all this experience, I have never been on the other side of lice before. It's opened my eyes to a few things. I will share that in the next post.

Thankful

2009-10-24T14:27:00.003-06:00

Sitting here, checking my email....

I get a short and sweet message from my hubby that has been in Regina for a Promise Keepers convention that reads:

I miss you too, God is good. see you tonight.
Joe

It just hits me. I stare at the message. My eyes well up with tears. My heart is overwhelmed with the weight of these words. Why?

A little over a year ago, Joe walked out. For the first week, I had no idea IF he would ever come back. Joe and I communicated through emails for the first while. Each letter was cold, hard and calloused. Each letter broke my heart to read......
During our separation, I would sit at the computer and stare at his emails....and cry.....
I didn't know where he was, how I could even reach him, all he had to do was turn his phone off and he was forever disconnected from me.

Ironically, just 1/2 hour ago, I was sitting eating lunch when my heart cried out, "GOD....please don't let me go back to the way things were. Don't let all this be for nothing.....please make us into an amazing testimony that makes a difference. Don't let all this pain dump down a black hole"
......Only to sit down and have God open my eyes to a short, simple email. He showed me that we are a miracle. We weren't supposed to make it! We should be divorced! I should be alone....
But I'm not. By God's grace and mercy, Joe is building the most amazing relationships with the guys in our circle. He has a renewed passion for life and is filled with purpose. He leads us, loves us, cherishes us. I have a new husband!

The plane did crash....yes. I sometimes get mad that the plane had to go down. But I need to remember that I was pulled from the burning plane. I could have died in the flames. We could have died.....

God....please.....OPEN MY EYES ALL THE MORE! Show me your goodness in everything! Like you did today
Thank you

what's underneath?

2009-09-29T09:05:00.009-06:00

My parents have a beautiful lawn......um, not....
Their lawn is covered in thistles, dandilions and quack grass. It's a pain in the ass to cut and to care for. But it wasn't always this way.

When my parents first viewed the house, the lawn was green, fresh, and weed free. There were even a couple of planters in the backyard for a garden and flowers. It looked amazing! After the first year, the lawn was easy to keep nice and green. A couple of doses of fertilizer, water and regular cutting did the job.

The second year was quite a bit harder to maintain, weeds were popping up and parts of the lawn were going brown.
The third year was the charm, that was when it hit us all the truth of this lovely lawn.
The previous owners, in order to sell the house, laid sod ON TOP of a CRAP lawn! As a quick fix, she didn't bother to rip up the old lawn to lay the new one. The root system of the old was never ripped out......so....after 3 years of sweating to keep this "nice green lawn" looking good, we realized the inevitable was taking place. Whatever was underneath was slowly poking through and was going to take over the whole yard.

My parents now know that they will never have a "velvet" lawn. My dad did put some decent effort this year (the 6th year) into it, but all his efforts were useless in match of the root system.
The only answer to this is to gut out the whole thing and lay NEW SEED.
It's such a good picture for me. Bad fruit comes from bad roots. You can't fake good fruit if the roots are bad, you just can't. The years that we've given it a good honest effort to green up the lawn, we can never produce something that's not there.

In this last year, I've been challenged to my very being, to my very core, and I still am. I had to make some very hard choices this year. I love my sisters post on choose. It says it totally bang on. Choose your hard.

Joe and I almost didn't make it last year. It's been one full year since my hubby walked out that door and a broken family was a very real reality staring me in the face. Both Joe and I have made the HARD choice to reconcile. I say HARD because it's not easy to rip up a lawn. Up root a tree, jack hammer out a foundation!!! But that's what we've chosen to do. All the bad fruit coming from bad roots needed to be uprooted.

Daily, I still face the choice between what kind of lawn I want in my life. It's really really hard! It seems so much easier to just give it some water, throw it some seed in hopes of good fruit, but in the long run, at the end of the day, it's still a lawn full of weeds. This has been my challenge. With God's grace, Joe and I have been able to uproot some really yucky stuff. But on a personal level, talking about me, and what's inside of my heart, God is calling me to trust him to uproot even more. It's so scary. Who wants to be bear looking like a big dirt pile? Who wants to go through the back breaking work of the digging, the dumping, and the planting? Alot of times....not me.....

I keep calling to the warrior in me, to be strong and courageous, to be brave and full of hope and faith that I will be better off to dig than to throw seed into the wind.
Maybe everytime I pass my parents lawn and see all the weeds, I will be reminded that that's NOT what I want.

Reason for the dream

2009-09-09T20:00:00.002-06:00

If you read my last post, I had a dream a few days ago. God spoke to me the next day as to why he gave that dream to me.

In my dream, there are two ways of looking at the situation.
The first perspective is to see a wife who is going to cheat on her husband! She is making very poor choices and is not taking responsiblity for her actions! She should have someone knock some sense into her! If nothing else, Joe should be furious and hurt! She should have the natural consequences come to her, so that she will learn her lesson. She should be corrected, reproofed, rebuked, and punished. Joe should show her very limited mercy, since she was about to commit one of the most betraying sins there is!

Or.......

In my dream (if you read it) Joe lovingly, and full of compassion and mercy, whispers gently in my ear that God the Father would heal me, love me and show me my worth. Why would a husband do that? Or a more important question is HOW could a husband do that?

By the power of God and all that He is....God IS THOSE THINGS, and to move HIS heart THROUGH Joe is EXACTLY what God wants us to do for others! God SEES the brokenness of our hearts. In my dream, Joe saw through the eyes of God and saw my pain, my hurt, my low self worth. He understood WHY I would do such a thing. God doesn't concentrate on WHAT we do....but WHY we do them.....

It's in this kind of amazing relationship that people are healed, set free, and released from sin. In my dream, I didn't WANT to cheat on Joe! I just wanted love, I just wanted comfort, and in my brokenness, I did NOT know HOW to find it.....

It's through God, picking us up, whispering love into our ear, in the midst of our sin that we find out that we are loved no matter what.

a dream

2009-09-07T09:00:00.002-06:00

i had a very interesting dream last night.

It was like I was 15, confused, angry, hurt, and my self worth was lower than zero. I But at the same time, I was 30 years old and married to Joe and had all my kids.
In my dream, I was wandering around aimlessly, trying to find anyone to love me. Using an old pattern, I thought that sleeping with someone would gain me worth. But ALSO knowing that sleeping with just anybody was a disrespectful thing to do to myself. But I didn't care.....any sort of false comfort, or peace would do at this point.....
So I found a bed of someone I knew, laid down in it waiting for him to come home, find me, then take advantage of me.
Instead, I woke up to Joe whispering softly in my ear, praying for me, that I would know my worth....
Then, he carried me home......

BOSU BALL

2009-08-31T12:44:00.005-06:00

BOSU! I have been taking this class twice a week and I love it!

I haven't seen such amazing results before than with this little half ball. My core is so much stronger! I don't think i'm losing any inches or weight, but I know I'm getting stronger! I use to be so wobbly and shake when I first started the class and be SO SORE for a few days, but now I am stable, steady and feel strong during the class! I highly recommend it!

You are working twice as hard with BOSU, because you have to balance AND work at the same time! You are using so many more muscles and burn more calories because of it. These are just a few of my fav's on the ball, but the possiblities are endless with it! My instructor is always doing new things with it. It doesn't get boring, for sure!

I've decided to go after my fitness certification for sure. So I'm really looking forward to learning about the body, nutrition and fitness. I am looking forward to helping others achieve their goals and someday, down the road.....help with body image too....but I have to heal myself first.

Update

2009-08-22T14:34:00.002-06:00

Myself: Not online at all these days. It's been nice to not have the distraction of the net during the day. I get alot more done and have more focus on what I'm doing. I seem to be wrestling with my health. It's been about 3 months now that I've been fighting lightheadedness and tiredness. It comes and goes, today being a bad day for that. I am going to try to take iron supplements and see if that helps. I'm considering taking a fitness certification course in Sept. Kill two birds with one stone....workout AND get paid for it!

House: Reno's are still on the go. Kitchen being the biggest of them all, but we're replacing all the doors and trim on the upper floor. Can't wait for it to be done! One more week.

Kids: Adjusting to all the commotion in the house with paint trays, drop cloths, and ladders everywhere. Isaiah moved into her own room last weekend. So now the babies are together (Loads of fun :P) Isaiah is enjoying her own room, i think it makes her feel that much more grown up.

Marriage: Thanks to God and all His miracles, Joe and I are still enjoying our fresh start that He gave us last fall. We enjoy eachother so much now. It's such a blessing to be best friends again and to appreciate why we fell in love in the first place. We are considering a trip in the near future for just the two of us. We never did get to go on a honeymoon and with popping out 5 kids in 10 years, and all the trials we've faced in that time (Caleb's disablity and death being a big one) we deserve it. we need it.....and we're looking forward to it!

that's all I can think of in my tired state right now.

A picture I got at the lake

2009-07-26T17:13:00.006-06:00

At the lake for one week. It seemed that the week I was supposed to relax and enjoy my family, I pass through a wave of grief and pain. I made a promise to God a month or so ago to allow myself to be real in the moment-to feel pain when it comes-to make sure that I never wall myself off in self protection mode. So on the way up to the lake.....the wave began.

It was a super good time. I did enjoy my family, I did relax and we built memories and relationships.....but all the while, the inner turmoil remained.

Staying as vague as possible, I realized a picture of my life. I was at the beach with my kids, soaking up the rays. For one small moment, I caught a glimpse of peace. My spirit was able to connect to the truth of my situation and my eyes were opened to the REAL reality. It was like for that one short moment, a HUGE weight lifted from my heavy suppressed heart. It was like I came up for air after someone was holding me under water.....it was amazing......

Every now and then (it seems like 2% of the time) this happens to me. It's like for a short, sweet moment-I can breathe. It's like I am out from under torture.....only for a moment. Then....It's gone. Just like at the beach that day, it was snatched from me as quick as it came. The peace was gone. Feeling the weight back on my shoulders, I desperately wanted it back! I tried to go back to that "place".....but couldn't.

Later that day, I shared with Joe what happened. I cried. I don't know how to get free. I'm reading the shack and just like Mack said to Jesus the night they were looking up at the stars, "I feel so lost"......I TOTALLY understand how he felt. Apparently, Jesus answered Mack and said, "you're not lost......You are so far from lost" Jesus took his hand in that moment. I cried and then again.....threw the book (like I usually do)

ROTFLMAO!

2009-07-15T13:34:00.010-06:00

Deep fried Spam slice on a stick

A peanut butter, banana, honey and bacon sandwich on potato bread, dipped in egg batter then fried in bacon fat, topped with butter and blueberry syrup.
Mini double cheeseburgers with chicken McNuggets for buns.

I had a good laugh at this blog.....

You can visit the blog here.
Here are a few things I thought were super funny I had to post them!

A pizza consisting of Thousand Island dressing as the sauce, topped with a family size bag of chicken fingers, a container of bacon bits all smothered in sliced mozzarella cheese.

A brioche bun with cotton candy filling.
Deep fried cheeseburger on a stick.
A one third pound of sirloin topped with two slices of white American cheese, four strips of bacon, peanut butter, between two Krispy Kreme donuts.
Spam that has passed through a french fry press and is deep fried.

Going away

2009-06-25T09:10:00.002-06:00

On Monday, I was so sick of the computer that I did what any sanguine would do....I got rid of everything I could.
I don't desire to privatize my blog. Never did. But I will say that I'm taking a break from the internet for a while.
My facebook account has been deactivated as well for a while. I don't know how long, but I need to remove these distractions from my life for a time. I don't think it's wise to wrestle my raw thoughts out in public either. I think some cover would do me some good.

anywho.....thanks for reading, I'll be back, just don't know when.

Carebear

thoughts

2009-06-15T07:58:00.002-06:00

With a MILLION things circling my head. Where do I start?

First off, the place I'm at is I don't trust anybody. I don't like being here. I've taken a few steps back in this area. I feel like 'who could I trust?' Wondering if people are the real deal. And considering that we are all humans, we don't even know what the real deal is anyway, so it's impossible to be the real deal. Our self deception is so sick and creepy that we don't even know the messes were in!

We were in life group last night, it was nice and freeing to be as real as I could. Which was just what I said. I figure that I might as well just call things as they are, instead of decieving myself too. Which I probably am. How will I move forward if I won't acknowledge what's there to deal with. I think before my spiritual pride would keep me from this. Afraid to share what I was really thinking, in fear that someone would think that I'm weak, or not growing, moving up the "maturity ladder"

Not interested in any sort of ladder at this point. Just wanting real peace, real life and real relationships. Although the relationship part will be hard to get to since I won't let anyone in. It's much safer in a closed cell. It seems to me, my experience anyway, that whenever I draw conclusions, it turns out I'm WAY off!

Thanks to L for being around, there in the backgroud. I love you and am so glad you;'re in my life.

Why church?

2009-06-06T22:31:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting here on a Saturday night.....
Knowing that church is in the morning.

Why do I go?
What's the purpose?
Is it safe? To heal? to be real? to allow God to work in me without the walls I've built?

Rene's post has complimented my thoughts about the "format' of it all.

Also, I've been holding onto stuff that I'm afraid to share, but am so sick of fear of people's opinions at this moment that I'm just going to say it!!

I went dancing! In a bar! And, I had 3 drinks! there.....I said it. Isn't it stupid that I am afraid of judgement? afraid that people will look "down" on me because those things are "bad"?

Go ahead, make my comment box a place to talk about this....cause at this point....I want to pretend I was never "saved"-start over-so that I can get to know God for real. The REAL God. Not the God that religion has painted.....

Sarah.....writes poetry??

2009-06-02T19:42:00.002-06:00

Pain pain, go away
come again another day
and put you off for one more day
you will only be twice as gray

But I can feel you inside my soul
in a bubbling, pushing, stiiring role
wanting out, and wanting free
but you can't seem to get past me

Self protection, self reliance
I stand walled up in defiance
hoping you'll just go away
never come again any other day

But deep down I know
you'll stay inside
until I face this ugly ride

Do I have faith, do I have courage
to stand and even jump off this ledge
and into what? Where would I fall?
I only feel 3 inches tall

Heck I'm writing poetry?!
I guess I'm desperate to be free
Trying something new
to ease my pain
anything to clean this stain

I can see a small glimpse of why this pain
so many others need His name
if God can redeem this awful stain
then walk with others
and together regain

what has been ripped from our hands
our souls, our hearts
and it feels like all our body parts
have been blown to bits
without a care
but God is here and has always been there

So God, if your listening
I need to face this pain somehow
but there's no way I can do it on my own
is this where your glory is shown????

Only time will tell

found some old pics of me

2009-06-02T12:35:00.009-06:00

I am a total geek

2009-05-28T12:36:00.003-06:00

k, this post is not so you can call me a geek all the more, but I do want to share my geekiness with you...... :P (nin....I'm talking to you)

last night I watched x-weighted, my favorite show with my fav personal trainer Mr. Paul Plakas. He challenged this girl to an indoor mini triathlon.
He said that a healthy and fit person should be able to this triathlon in less than 45 minutes.
1. 1.5 mile(not km) run
2. 2500 meter row
3. 150 calorie burn on the bike.

So like the geek that I am, I grabbed Joe's cell phone to enter in the numbers so I won't forget them.
Joe: Who are you calling?
me (sheepishly): I'm writing down this trialthon
Joe: Why.......? Are you going to do this?
Me: (laughing all like a geek.....but yet super excited to try this out) ......yes......

So this morning......
Joe: how was your sleep?
me: Long and hard
Joe: why did you have heartburn again?
me: no, I spent all night dreaming of doing the indoor triathlon!!
Joe (laughing at me): You must be EXHAUSTED!

what's the waldherr's been doing?

2009-05-23T12:14:00.005-06:00

Right now, Joe and Isaiah are out buying a bike. This year, we have gotten all new bikes. When they get home, we are off to bike the bridges as a family.

with the two younglings in the trailer, and the older two biking along with us....looking forward to it

Shannon and Doug finished building our shed last week. Joe and I painted it together last weekend. Joe's been putting up shelves in our spacious 10x14 little house!

organizing the laundry room, going through every box....found my old yellowed "wedding dress".....can't wait to get a NEW ONE!

our lawn is still brown, and for those of you that know me, would know that's a BIG THING! My lawn is always the first to be green! Goes to show you where my priorites are.

did another 9km run yesterday. pretty sore today. ran around the confedo ghetto. maybe I'll be running my first marathon BEFORE I'm 40! My dad says that I'll be doing a half marathon within the year....we'll see....

picking out our new kitchen! we are getting new dishwasher, new countertops, new lino, new sink, new faucet, and painting our doors! whoot whoot!

The sun is shining for me today

2009-05-15T14:59:00.002-06:00

I am thankful right now. For my friends and family.
Joe, you are exactly the man I need....I love you

Nin, what can I say, my sis that knows me so well. I love our relationship....with boundries! It's freeing and such a blessing to be tied together properly. Thank you for being there to just laugh with me. You are a joy. I love how we can laugh at the most ridiculous things this life throws at us and we can laugh at ourselves and others!!

Morgan, my faithful friend. You are never afraid to speak your mind. I love how you have so much wisdom to share with me. I love how you pour into me without hesitation...God bless you and re-fill you up when you need it!

Llo, who shared the most painful moment of my life. Who knows me and still loves me

My kids who have so much grace and forgiveness for me in this time. God love on them in ways I can't

My spiritual mothers who faithfully pray for me. You know who you are!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Crystal, who walks with me through the pain. who asks who I am and doesn't give up on me, even tho I can disappear into a black cloud for weeks. Thank you for being persistant.

Tanya. Someone that obviously has the spirit of God on her life. She pours from a place that only God can fill. Thank you for everything!!

Holly. Someone who knows me so well. Sometimes better than myself! She is loyal beyond loyal. I know she'll always always be there for me. LOVE YOU

Laurie. Who has been sharing with me my food journey, keeping me on track and inspiring me to keep going! Who prays for me and listens...

I know there are so many others in my life that bless me beyond what I could have asked. Lynn, Steph, my dad, mom, my mother inlaw, sis in law, olga, shannon, rachel, kevin, terry....

Thank you God for all the support!

??? what the hell

2009-05-13T21:03:00.000-06:00

walls going up.
self protection is a scary thing....
i have nothing to give.
Hope? what's that?
As I sit here eating chocolate almonds hoping to numb the pain inside...nothing helps.
will i get better?
will i find myself?

i am losing myself......each day......
getting farther and farther away....from.....I don't even know what.....
tired of the facade.
tired of smiling...
i'm not okay.....

on the way home

2009-05-12T07:27:00.000-06:00

song on the radio...cried all the way home.... here are the words....

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

for some fun

2009-04-28T11:53:00.009-06:00

TV or no TV?

2009-04-24T12:10:00.005-06:00

I am thankful that God has been answering my prayers for direction. For once in my life, i am going to learn something WITHOUT swinging the pendulum! I am excited.

This morning, I had just the most amazing workout! When I workout in the morning without eating first, I usually struggle through it. Knowing that the calories burned first thing in the AM are coming right off my body and not off everything I ate all day helps me push through it.

I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical and then jumped on the tread for another 15 on running, running hard the last 4 minutes. When I go to the gym, all the equipment has T.V.'s and I usually watch a show while I run. But I was talking to a friend and telling her about how my workouts at home are so much more filled with worship. I realized that it was because I don't watch TV at home. I stare at one spot on the wall and soak in the worship music I listen to. So today, I turned off the T.V. at the gym and just spent that 30 minutes just talkin with God which was SO refreshing......

I hate it when I "run away" (no pun intended) and just fill my head with noise. I feel so empty. I just pray that I will have the endurance to run this race with excellence.

The biggest loser

2009-04-22T09:01:00.004-06:00

I watch that show faithfully every Tuesday night. Of course, last night, I cried....again.

I can relate to them! So I was never over 210 pounds, but I know what it's like to feel trapped in a big unhealthy body that can barely move. I know what it feels like to know that food controls your life. I know what it's like to feel chained to the fridge and the toilet. I lived with bulimia for 18 years!

Last night Kristin went home. She was eliminated. (sorry to all who haven't watched it on their PVR yet) The show will always follow them home and show you how they are doing after leaving the biggest loser campus. 2 months after she left, Kristin was still going strong, losing more weight and staying on track. But more than that......she was helping others. She was using her story to speak to other women who felt trapped in their overwhelming feeling of never succeeding. They showed Kristin in a conference room full of ladies, listening to her tell them to believe! if she could do it, so could they! You could see the impact on their faces as Kristin shared her testimony.

This year has not been an easy one for us. For me. 7 months later, I'm still trying to find who I am. I went shopping with my sister the other day and found a rainbow scarf. I loved it at first sight! But it was an ODD moment. The reason it was an odd moment for me is because I actually had a PIECE of me COME OUT.....shine through. I LIKE THIS SCARF.....ME......I LIKE IT......THIS IS SOMETHING I LIKE.............

This might make no sense to anyone, but to me, I feel like I'm really building from the ground up. When I was watching Kristin last night, I was reminded of WHY I started my journey 4 years ago......to loose weight and get healthy.......
To help others. To walk with others. To inspire others. To teach others. To show God's goodness and faithfulness.
Somewhere in my woundedness, I am in my own little world of diet and exercise. Fueled by low self esteem and a drive to be a perfect 10 body, I'm WAY off track. I'm lost. I've been wrestling this for a while. Wondering what the answer is?
Do I just quit everything? Swing the pendulum WAY to the other side in hopes that I'll find the balance? Do I stop my physical activity completely?
So far, I've thought that I should FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE....STOP SWINGING THE PENDULUM to extremes and carry on and seek God in the process.

Anyway, this is again, real and gross.
Where I'm at.
I've ate like SH#T all week and I'm suppose to run my first 10 km today with Megan. Everything in me wants to cancel. There's something telling me to keep going.
God.........
Father.......
Come, make the places in my soul right.......

2009-04-21T09:28:00.002-06:00

sad today
wanna be real with who i am
where im at
but who am i
will i heal?
will God fill all those places that feel so raw?
will I get better?
do i play a victim?
never been so lost
which i know deep down is god's plan
im so lost so i can be found
but i want to be found right now

Thankful books/movies/tv shows

2009-04-17T10:01:00.004-06:00

Books:

156. Every woman's marriage
157. Every woman's battle
158. The bible
160. Captivating
161. The true measure of a woman
162. Out of control and loving it.
163. Calvin and Hobbs

Movies:

164. Yes man
165. Adventures in babysitting
166. School of rock
167. Liar Liar
168. Signs
169. Family man
170. Sweet home alabama

TV shows:

171. The biggest loser
172. X-weighted
173. Last 10 pounds bootcamp
174. Till debt do us part

Thank you God for...(155)

2009-04-11T17:40:00.003-06:00

139. Being able to walk to mac's with my girls and buy them a bunch of sugar goodness
140. giving me the strength to bypass all temptations and buy sugar free gum
141. BBQ season
142. healing my body from the virus that was trying to attack it
143. finding me a new bike for the summer!
144. finding Noah a cool BMX bike for only 40 bucks!
145. Green tea and green grapes
146. My sister, who is an amazing person, with qualities that show me what REAL BEAUTY IS.
147. That she's making her first turkey that I could smell from outside her house YUMMERS
148. For my bro in law that will hopefully sacrifice a run or two this summer so that I can work on my speed
149. For my mom who gives and gives and gives
150. my father figure who is still smoke free 3 months this wed!!!
151. my inlaws that I'm excited to see tomorrow for Easter!
152. uncle Rod and auntie Joan who have moved back to toon town!! WELCOME HOME!
153. the never ending hope that you supply in our driest times
154. your death and resurection that provides EVERYTHING WE NEED
155. I thank you for this daily, and will again....for saving, rescuing my marriage. Not just to survive, but saving it for your plans. Thank you for saving our family from what half of the world faces everyday......

Thankful list con't from FOREVER AGO.

2009-04-06T10:57:00.002-06:00

I wanted to follow flowerlady's heart in finding 1000 blessings and sharing them my blog. I've been reminded of that today and want to continue my list

132. I am desired
133. I am pursued
134. I am worth God's son
135. I don't have to perform to earn God's love
136. I am accepted
137. I am valuable
138. God redeems everything

How do I blog?

2009-04-01T18:28:00.002-06:00

I've written several posts, only to delete them or save them. I want to be real, but yet not have the whole world feast on my deepest most intimate thoughts.....

So I'll leave you with this:

I'm struggling. my sister nin has a song on her blog that speaks very well how I'm doing. You could go there and listen to the song. I love how real it is.

I want to be totally honest with my readers, but there are things in my heart and in my life that are just not meant to be shared right now. Which is hard for me.

Fear is my biggest enemy right now.
i'm tired of it in my life. I'm searching for the redemption that Jesus gives. Healing and restoration.
i wish i could be light and fluffy....just not there. just can't do it.....

Am I going to fall or forever hang over this cliff?

2009-03-23T12:23:00.004-06:00

Moving on....

Although this will have the same type of thread from the last post.
God wants us to know His love. We throw that around all the time. To me, I'm actually getting tired of words. I'm sick of hearing words that center around love. It irritates me. I think it's because I really don't know what it means. I know in my head all these things, I've been asking God for them too, and I know He hears me and will answer, but I'm so broken inside. I don't know how to heal. I'm not dumb, I know I can't force healing, it will come in it's time.....but still.....

I feel like I'm hanging over a cliff but I'm not falling. Just hanging there suspended in mid air knowing that I am going to fall, that I need to fall, that I will fall eventually (surrender and fall into my Daddy God arns).....but what's the hold up?
Hurt, fear, pain.....more hurt, fear and more pain.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads. Like this could go 2 ways. I could get bitter and have my life deeply rooted in fear and insecurity. Or I could heal, love freely and walk right into my destiny. I just don't know how......
I know that my God has the power to redeem me, heal me. I do believe (speaking with my eyes of faith and choosing to speak apart from fear) that I will someday be an incredible woman equipped to help other hurting women.....of course, that's easily "said" (again with words I'm tired of hearing) but how how how how how do I get there?

My worth. Being on a deliberate chosen journey of stripping myself of some comforts, I am realizing where my worth lies. I feel like I'm on some kind of operating table with all my organs exposed. I have been crying somedays, non stop. Understand that this crying is a good thing. It's all part of releasing poison deep inside. But it's really catching me off guard.

I know I have many spiritual mothers out there that are so faithful in praying for me. I am so grateful for them, cause I know they've got my back. Please pray that I can truly forgive. I don't know how on my own strength.....

Divorce, separation, heartache......

2009-03-21T11:46:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking alot about divorce and separation in the last 6 months. Being that my family almost broke apart and I had a taste of heartbreak and abandonment, my eyes are opened to so many things.

I've been amazed at how divorce and separation are EVERYWHERE!! EVERYWHERE PEOPLE! Before Joe left me in the fall, I would have to say that I lived in a "happily ever after" bubble. My marriage would never crumble and it was normal to see relationships broken around me. But it would never happen to me! After all, we said "I do, till death parts us"

How are we coping as a society, as a church, as mankind to deal with all this divorce? I'd have to say, NOT VERY WELL. Everywhere I go, there's a woman, heart broken from separation.

At Faith's ballet this morning, a mom on her cell phone, "So I guess I'm taking her to skating? It's your weekend!" Then addresses her 3 year old daughter, "Sorry honey, you can't see your dad today, I will take you to his house tomorrow"

Last year I watched mom from Isaiah's ballet class go through a divorce. Now a year later, her face has no life, no joy, and walls built so thick around her....it grieves me.

When Joe left me, My chest literally hurt. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt. Childbirth was a breeze! I'd do 48 hours of labor any day, over going through separation!
How does society deal with it? We are so empty as mankind! Just turn on your radio and all you will hear are songs that are trying to cope and deal with the rejection, the abandonment, the hurt, the betrayal of adultery.....

Women and men are made different. God designed us with different desires. Women long to be the beauty of a story. They long for a prince that will fight for her to the death. Men long to be a warrior. It's in their blueprints to have a woman to fight for, to be that valiant knight in a story, rescuing a princess in a castle. Movies everywhere captivate this. LOTR have influencial princesses and strong men that are honorable and courageous. Braveheart, saving private ryan, even maid in manhattan is a story of Cinderella. It's in our core, in our beings.

Men and woman that don't have that moral compass inside (God) don't have the ability to love another properly. Their love becomes toxic. If you compare the men and women popular artists, you will be able to hear the poison, the ways of coping, the toxic love that comes into their lyrics.

Our world is empty and filling their voids with ways to survive all the heartache. Songs by women sing of using their bodies as leverage over men to recieve toxic love. Toxic is better than nothing. Men sing about power and control and about worshipping the body of a woman. It's such a game. And mankind knows how the game is played.

Lady gaga sings a song called "Love game" and it literally talks about how the game is played. "Pokerface" is another example of the manipulation and mindgames that are played out there. She says, "I'll get him hot, show him what I've got" but all the while keeping a pokerface cause she's holding all the cards.
Britney Spears actually has a song called "Toxic" that's pretty sick. Most of her music centers around playing the game. "womanizer, Radar and Break the Ice" to name a few. "Circus" talks about her being the center of attention, having all the power and control. She says,"I run a tight ship, so beware"
The men willingly play into it in their songs fully admitting that they have no control over their lust. Justin Timberlake sings "Love Stoned" which says, "she's got me loved stoned, she's bad and I think that she knows.....she' might be coming home with me tonight" His songs like "Rock you body, Sexy Back, Senorita" His lyrics are full of that game. You give me your body, I'll give you this fake, toxic love to tie you over to the next "fix".
I think that this Rihanna/Chris Brown is totally sad. Even in Hollywood, with all that money/power/sex, she will still put up with physical abuse in her relatinships.
The male rappers are particularly bad, taking it to the next level. Degrading women, literally calling them vulgar names and saying they are only worth their bodies. Eminem, 50 cent, Dr. Dre rap about power, money, and getting high as a way of coping of the big gapping hole in their hearts.
Sadly, I'd have to say that last year, I was listening to all this crap. My hubby also went through a phase of empty music that lead us both down very dangerous and sinful paths. This music encourages infidelity, flirting and feeding a part of our flesh that doesn't need any extra watering. The part of us that should have been crucified with Christ!

I'm careful to pick my music now. It's interesting that there are some songs that sing of this "love story" that is truly meant to be a picture of God and his bride. It's so natural for us to sing of that love story of being pursued and having someone to trust and never let us down. I have many secular songs that sing of the love story that I worship to. You can very easily sing to God instead of a boyfriend or girlfriend. Untouched, by the Veronicas is a good example. No Air by Jordin Sparks is another good one.

I will rant more on this later. So many thoughts on this

some pics of this and that

2009-03-18T12:15:00.007-06:00

Me and my loverly sis after our first swim with the older ones in school!

Down the "wee!"

My new favorite meal! Veggies galore and sauteed shrimp
My all time favorite thing...getting a kiss from Joe
Me and Faith did facial masks today! how fun!
She had cherry and I had lavender

My top 11 workout songs

2009-03-16T15:43:00.003-06:00

1. Jai Ho! A.R. Rahman and the pussycat dolls

2. Beautiful U R by Deborah Cox

3. Circus by Britney Spears

4. Rehab by Rihanna

5. Untouched by The Veronica's

6. You're gonna make it by KJ 52

7. For the moments I feel faint by Relient K

8. Sing to me by The Pinel Family

9. Die another day by Madonna

10. You by Britt Nicole

11. Love is a battlefield by Pat Benatar

My new running song

2009-03-14T08:48:00.002-06:00

I think it's very cool when God speaks through secular music. I recently bought this song after hearing it on the radio. This song features the pussycat dolls (which is not a very wholesome band to say the least!)......But this song will get my crying in the gym from the worship that pours from my heart. It's called Jai Ho! Some of the song, God is singing to me and then me singing to him.

I got fever
Running like a fire,
For you I will go all the way,
I wanna take you higher
I keep it steady steady,
That's how I feel it.
This beat is heavy so heavy
You gonna feel it.

You are the reason that I breathe
You are the reason that I still believe
You are my destiny,
Jai Ho! Uh-uh-uh-oh!
No there is nothing that can stop us
Nothing can ever come between us
So come and dance with me,

Catch me, catch me, catch me, c'mon, catch me,
I want you now,
I know you can save me, come and save me,
I need you now.

I am yours forever, yes, forever,
I will follow,
Anywhere in anyway,
Never gonna let go.

Escape away
I'll take you to a place,
This fantasy of you and me,
I'll never lose my chance.

I can feel you
Rushing through my veins,
There's an notion in my heart,
I will never be the same.

Just keep it burnin', yeah
Just keep it comin',
You're gonna find out
I'm one in a million.

Catch me, catch me, catch me, c'mon, catch me,
I want you now,
I know you can save me, come and save me,
I need you now.

I need you,
Gonna make it
I'm ready,
So take it!

Good things.....hard things

2009-03-07T14:12:00.002-06:00

hard things:

Kids in school is an adjustment to us all. The hard part about this is that yet another identity has been stripped from me. I am no longer "sarah-the homeschool mom" So I'm still wondering in yet a deeper painful way, "who am I"

We are approaching a very very difficult season. I can't share at all what it is, but needless to say, IT"S GOING TO HURTTTTTTTT! I do believe that much good will come out of it, otherwise there's no way I would walk this way if I didn't know God was calling us this way....So surrounding this is much much fear.....fear of what I'll find, fear of how much it will hurt...

Emotional eating. The first week the kids went back to school, it was a 'fall off the wagon' week. Of course compared to "fall off the wagon" one year ago looked alot different! Never the less, it's what's going on in my heart that matters. And turning to old ways of coping with fear and change wasn't fun. I'm still wobbly, I'd say that I'm half way back on the wagon (to my standards of eating) It really bums me out when I fill my body with junk! I physicaly and spiritually just feel like a lump of lard!

Good things:

Kids going to school. It's a very cool thing at the same time. There is a big part of me that's excited for new purpose and a new season that God is bringing to our family. The second week was much much better than the first. I am enjoying spending time with my baby girls one on two. We've gone swimming, story time at the library, we play playdoh, paint, play preschool computer games, read books, tell stories, visit kokum, visit auntie and daniel.....and this is just the beginning! Soon it will be nice out and we will be going for walks, to parks, to the zoo, on nature hikes, biking.....the list seems so ENDLESS to me! two kids? how long has it been since I've only had two kids??????? try 9 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are approaching a difficult season. My spirit knows that this is a key ticket to my healing. I know in my spirit deep down that this pain will be the release of much hurt. My eyes of faith (if I still have some) sees as healing on the horizon. Sees a warrior emerging from deep within me. Sees a confidence that's never been there before, sees a deep tie to my Father and not to the things that leave me empty......

Emotional eating. When I compare one year ago to today, it's really actually unbelieveable to see "my emotional eating week" today, from last year. Let me paint it for you:
two years ago (before i started running)
Breakfast-2-3 pieces of toast loaded in butter, a bowl of cereal and my kids' leftover crusts!
snack-cookies (maybe as many as 5-10!)
lunch-two bowls of kraft dinner with breaded chicken fingers. and my kids' left overs
snack-more bread with more butter or bagels, or english muffins or donuts......
supper- after eating a serving while cooking, i would eat two helpings of some kind of fattening food all gravy, all sauce, all bread.....AND the kids' left overs and while cleaning up....more food!
before bed- cookies, or brownies, or icecream or popcorn, but 4-5 times out of the week, i would eat myself stuffed before bed.
alot of this food would be thrown up. My body exhasted from digesting a sick amount of food PLUS the work of all the vomiting.....
MAN!!! THANK GOD YOU SAVED ME!

Today:
A fairly normal healthy eating day. But when the kids got home from school, they were all hungry and I ate with them. Last week I was eating cookies and bread for comfort. The quanities were cut in at least half. and not throwing up! I still had my regular workouts and am turning it around each day.

So there you have it.....once again.....I'm wearing out the saying, "BITTERSWEET"
But that's what my life is......bittersweet
joyful/sorrowful......
no numbness around here!

My 10 top food staples and 10 foods I like to treat with

2009-02-28T13:12:00.005-06:00

1. Coffee. I was off coffee for a time, but my heartburn went away so every morning starts with 2 cups of hazelnut flavored coffee

2. Egg creations. Made with only egg whites. My favorite flavor is garden vegetable. Almost every morning I have these eggs with one slice of dry toast.

3. Hot salsa. It goes on pretty much everything I eat. Eggs, soup, pasta, salads, sandwiches, potatoes... It's a low calorie way to spruce up what I'm eating.

4. Green tea. Thanks to my sis nin, I make a whole pot of green tea in my coffee maker everyday. with two bags, I will drink that whole pot everyday. Sometimes I dilute it with water to get more H2O.

5. Veggies. I go through different phases of liking different ones. These days, it's colored peppers, asparagus, and broccoli. I've had spinach, romaine, even beet kicks. So glad that God made so many cool things for us to eat so we don't get bored!

6. Cottage cheese! A super healthy way to get some extra protien! And it tastes great too! I put it in yogurt, stirfry's, soups, on sandwiches, potatoes, salads.....well, kinda like salsa...

7. My protien powder. After a strength workout, nothing feels better than to feed your muscles what they want! no carbs, just all protien....hits the spot.

8. Go lean crunch! I LOVE that cereal! A good balance of protien and carbs, it's a great snack, if I'm feeling my sweet tooth rise up, a small bowl of this will totally curb it!

9. Tuna and salmon. A good, flavorful sandwich! I'm learning to even eat it without mayo!

10. BANANAS! A serving is actually only half. It's amazing what bananas will do for your body! It's a magic type of fuel. One whole banana can get you through 90 minutes of exersise! Within one day, I will eat a whole banana, by taking 3 or 4 bites of at each sitting.

Of course, excluding this last week of bad eating, this is how I've been eating for quite a while. I'm back on track now as of yesterday and back at the gym.

As a side note, I'd like to add a list of foods that I like to indulge in:

1. Popcorn! I used to make myself a big bowl of popcorn 4-5 times a week! and eat the whole bowl! Now I will make it 2-3 times a month as a treat for myself and eat only half a bowl.

2. Butter! I LOVE BUTTER! I never buy it though, cause I can't seem to use self discipline to use it once and a while and only use a little!

3. Chips! These are the one food that I CAN"T HAVE IN MY HOUSE....EVER! I will treat myself at social gatherings to a handful or two, but if the guests don't take the chips home, I will throw them out! Or I will eat the whole bag!

4. Mc Donalds fries! When I go to Mc D's, I will either get a grilled snack wrap with no sauce, or two chicken fajitas. One time out of every 10, I will order myself a fry. I do eat a few of my kids's tho each time!;)

5. Pizza. To me, pizza is a no no. It's loaded in a million calories and fat. IF I choose to eat pizza, it's only one piece, but i'm never full after one piece, so I'd rather just make myself something else!

6. BROWNIES! Man, I love Joe's homemade brownies! He makes them from scratch. This is another food that I'm not totally comfortable to have it in the house. I am starting to become more disciplined and just putting them out of sight and not touching them. This week, I would have eaten a pan to myself....well not a whole pan, but enough to make a bad dent!

7. Mashed potatoes. That's another food that you don't really get a whole lot of bang for your buck. I LOVE potatoes, but half a cup with gravy is the same as a cheeseburger! I'd rather choose the baked potato and put salsa on it. But once a while, I will have a little scoop.

8. CHEESE! OOO I love block cheese. One serving of cheese is 2 oz. it's two slices for one day. That's hard to do sometimes. I will skip it all together often becuase I don't like to only have 2 slices.

9. Wine. I rarely drink calories. But wine is worth it!

10. White bread. I really like the taste of white bread! I like the way it smells after you toast it and to have a white bread sandwich. But I rarely pick white bread. It's a treat when I do tho!

So what's your two lists?

more thoughts

2009-02-26T18:34:00.002-06:00

-I'm scared
-Scared of being real this very second.
-Scared of going back to the way I was
-Seeing very old patterns of coping
-Emotionally eating
-Even tempted to throw up!
-Discouraged
-Did I say scared?
-Crying alot
-Am I going to make it through this transition?
-Why do I always have to let fear get the best of me
-Worried of what certain people will think of me
-Just a big ball of flesh
-On the verge of surrender....but holding on to things that make me feel temporarily good
-Calling my spiritual mothers...can you pray for me?

there...i was more than honest. I am being vulnerable....hoping that knocking off some of this pride might help.....

My thoughts in point form

2009-02-23T12:50:00.003-06:00

-A new sense of purpose rising up in me
-A peace and rest that God is carrying us through this transition
-A mom at heart, knowing for her little (big) ones are in a big world without her
-What does God have for us now?
-Rebuilding
-redeeming
-rewiring
-rejoicing
-heart soft.....who am I?
-ears listening.....God, what do say about me?
-eyes opening....in faith, where are you taking us?

-Faith playing playdoh at our kitchen table
-Elishah napping
-will I clean out the hall closet? I could tackle anything in this house......
God speak, I am listening.
Bring your continued healing into this home.......

2009-02-19T08:07:00.003-06:00

USING ONLY ONE WORD! It's not as easy as you might think! It's really hard to only use one word answers.....

1.Your Cell phone? Nope

2. Your significant other? BBF

3. Your hair? Blonde

4. Your mother? Crazy

5. Your father? Figure

6. Your favorite thing? Bible

7. Your dream last night? Forget

8. Your favorite drink? Coffee

9. Your dream/goal? Healing

10. What room you are in? Caleb's

11. Your hobby? Running

12. Your fear? Failing

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Helping

14. Where were you last night? Earl's

15. Your heart? Thankful

16. Muffins? nope

17. Wish list item? Freedom

18. Where you grew up? Lenore

19. Last thing you did? shower

20. What are you wearing? Armor

21. Your TV? Big

22. Your pets? Gone

23. Friends? Thankful

24. Your life? Tornado

25. Your mood? Changes

26. Missing someone? Caleb

27. Car? Van

28. Something you're not wearing? Opinions

29. Your favorite store? Marmart

30. Your favorite color? Rainbow

31. Your motto? Love

32. Something you say all the time? Help!

33. When is the last time you laughed? Earl's

34. Last time you cried? Yesterday

35. Who will resend this? Shrug

36. One place that I go to over and over? Cross

37. One person who emails me regularly? Nin

38. Favorite place to eat? Asian

39. Why you participated in this survey? Nin

40. What are you doing tonight? Running

I need a miracle

2009-02-18T14:26:00.003-06:00

There's things in my heart that are very scary. Normal in my circumstances, but in need of God's healing.

If someone's loved one got killed by a drunk driver, I'm sure that they would go through a time of hating the person that killed them. Sinful, yet normal. Forgiveness is only possible through the grace of God.

My heart cries out for righteousness. As I carry hate in my heart, I know only God can bring me the ability to forgive. I can't will it, becuase my human nature is to respond in hate. So when I am healed of this, it will be GOD that did it. Nothing else can redeem this.

When God bring full redemption......what a glorious testimony all this will be......
God is more than able and I'm fully confident of that.
Never through all this have I doubted his goodness, his love for me or his faithfulness.

Marriage and forgiveness

2009-02-12T08:18:00.006-06:00

Last night, I again was overwhelmed at living right in the middle of God's grace and love.

2 Corinthians 5 says:
So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

It's an amazing opportunity to be able to walk this out in my marriage everyday. My paraphrase of this passage is this:

See yourself through God's eyes. Recieve forgiveness, get right with Him. He did everything for you, He gave it all so that you could sit right in His lap! How amazing it is that Christ forgave ALL your sins! After you have been made right with God by repentance and redemption, you now have been given the opportunity to SHOW the very gospel, the very HEART of God to others! God's unconditional love knows no bounds. It knew no bounds for you, and it knows no bounds for others. If anyone has hurt you, forgive them, for they have been forgiven by God. Show them with your actions and with yielding your heart that you love them as Christ loves them. Then, they will know and see Christ's unconditional, unfailing love in the flesh!

Hee hee, I'm not a bible inturrpreter....but this is how this scripture has played out in my life in the last 5 months.

It's amazing to see the face of someone who caused you so much pain, to be able to recieve God's love and forgiveness through me! God's character is walked out in our very marriage everyday. It's so bittersweet.
It's so beautiful. It's nothing at all that we've done (other than messing up)

God is truly redeeming the most awful thing into something beautiful. My God....is SO WORTHY. There's no one like him.....
He can take puke and make it a crown. He can take crap, and make it smell as fragrant as roses. Who do you know that can do THAT???

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BOY!

2009-02-05T09:21:00.003-06:00

My oldest son would have been 13 today. A TEENAGER!
Son, you make me feel old! I wonder what kind of cake you're eating.....
We miss you so much! Your brother misses you the most. You sisters do too, but Noah had a very special bond with you, his only brother. Your life has given so many opportunities to share God's goodness. You truly are our angel. Without you, we would be very different people and I guarantee, that the good things in us were because of you.

I still listen to your song, "Only have my love" by Jaylene Johnson and think of how you freely gave purely who you were. You offered all you were, just the way you were. I want to be like you Caleb. A free spirit that's not tied down by the cares of this world. You were not conformed to the pattern of this world. In so many ways, as hard as life was for you, you were blessed to be separated from all the pulls and temptations that this fallen world has.

I just want to thank you buddy, for being a huge part of my freedom. For some reason, God chose your birthday to be the day I became free from my eating disorder. I believe that it was chosen that way for a reason. I remember all the strength that you had here on earth, and I believe you passed some of your strength to me. Now on your birthday, my deliverance is directly tied to who you were. Now, your 13th birthday is also my one year anniversary for being free! What a great way to share this day!

Your life, Caleb was a blessing. You blessed everyone who chose to recieve you.

Heart's motives

2009-02-02T09:57:00.003-06:00

My heart's desire is to find true healing these days. To find my true identity. No counterfeits, no gimmicks, no quick fixes.....the real deal.

Human flesh is so dumb sometimes. It's so lazy, so selfish, so looking for the easy way out, looking for short cuts, looking to make it all a comfortable ride. Flesh would be perfectly happy to sit in the same place, not move, not be challenged, not change, not hurt......it doesn't care about freedom. It would rather have comfort than peace.

The cool thing about this is that God created us spirit. Our spirit cries out for the real deal, for the real peace, for the real relationship. It usually takes an average human being a whole lifetime to learn that flesh gives birth to death and spirit gives birth to life.

I believe that I'm finally more and more APPRECIATING the PROCESS of becoming like Christ. My flesh would say that the wilderness sucks, but I know that what my flesh says doesn't really matter. Through my spirit, I understand that the wilderness is actually the way to the promise land. The longer I allow my flesh to kick and scream through the wilderness, the longer it will take to get out!

But apart from "getting out of the wilderness".......since we are ALL destined to go through it, isn't there something totally sweet about the fellowship we find with our Father? Isn't it a bittersweet place when we can worship and praise through our pain? Isn't there something mysterious and wonderful to have joy in the offering?

God's love is like none other. I will praise Him through my pain. Because I know that He takes everything and turns it into something good. Trials turned to gold. God sits me down infront of all my enemies and loves on me. He pours healing oil on my head. He is the real deal. Always has been, always will be.....and most importantly...HE IS RIGHT NOW

Coming up to one year

2009-01-29T13:20:00.004-06:00

In one week from today, it will be a WHOLE YEAR since I've thrown up my food! ONE WHOLE YEAR! after 18 years of bondage, I'd say God is good!

I still can't believe it. It's one of those things where it feels like a lifetime ago, like a distant memory, but yet, the pain of that eating disorder will never leave me. I will never forget what it felt like to be chained to a fridge and a toilet.....never.....

I never thought I'd see this day. I thought i would die a bulimic. I thought I'd be one of those people in the motorized carts that couldn't walk anymore because they were too big!

I don't know how I want to celebrate yet.
I really want sushi! hhhmmmm......wasabi........

It's something to celebrate!!!
Does anyone have any suggestions?

Our family picture of Disney Land

2009-01-26T14:32:00.000-06:00

The vicitim mentality

2009-01-23T20:21:00.005-06:00

Everything in my life is bittersweet. When I laugh....I laugh....
When I cry....I cry.....

It's all so intense. Up and down, fast and slow, hot and cold, yet with God...steady and clear.....

The latest in my heart has been "the victim mentality"

Of course, everything in life is in layers. God's been stripping this from me for many years. Only now, in this season....it's CRUCIAL that I do NOT give into the victim mentality.

For me, the thing about playing the victim is that it's SO easy to do. My rights are right in front of me all the time, just speaking to me, "you DESERVE this! He OWES you! You have every right to expect this or that! "
Before I know it, I've spiraled down into a lonely pit of despair....not knowing how to get out.
I've taken this road several times through this journey, only to be trapped, shackled in bitterness and all alone with a voice of shame speaking lies to me.

it's so true that God is the healer of our hearts. I can only ask God to change me, I can't do it by myself. I can only pray for a broken spirit, I can't "will" repentance. Only God can truly lead me there. Without God, this really would be impossible.
I can't tell you how many times, my flesh is the only thing I can hear, see, taste, and feel. It screams out for self protection. It screams out selfish cries for justice and for self....all I can see with my eyes before me is the wound, the hurt, the offense. But yet, as the bitterness grips me, and the voice that says "I'm not worth anything" speaks crap into my spirit...I know I'm at a crossroads. I have to make a choice. There's nothing in my flesh that WANTS to submit. Nothing in me that desires to lay down my rights....but I hear a small voice telling me to lay it down. Telling me I need to repent....

I heard a story of a 2 year old yesterday that gave me a perfect picture of me as a human and a child of God. This describes me to a T!

This child has been going through "a phase" Lately, for some unknown reason, the 2 year old will not submit! He won't come when he's called. If he's asked to look at his parent, he'll turn and look the other way out of defiance! when the parent takes his face and physically holds it so he can look at her, his eyes will wander to the ceiling, or the wall. No matter how many spanks he gets, he will not lay down, or stop what he's doing. But.....he will break.....there's no other way out.......
Sounds like me. 3 days ago, I decided that I deserved a few things. Within 48 hours of pursuing my personal rights, I was alone, tormented spiritually and separated from Joe. In desperation, Running to God, pleading with him to speak to me His truth. My head had been filled with a bunch of lies and I needed breakthrough.
He graciously, yet painfully peeled back my pride enough to show me how He carried my sins to His very death. How the nails He took for me... He took with no strings attached. He again reminded me that all of us need the cross. Not one more than the other, but all His kids need forgiveness and mercy. As I repent of believing these lies and laying down my rights and picking up my cross, I see clearly that I am always called out to live as God has called me. And that NO ONE can take me out of the will of God but ME! If I'm a "victim" then I believe the lie that "I'm not really held accountable, because it wasn't my fault." I will miss out on God's best for me because I'm not walking in obedience! By walking out of God's plan for me, I am selling myself short of God's blessings and protection. Plus on top of all that, my relationship with my hubby is being damaged by my selfishness.

His cross, death and resurrection breaks our sin right off. Through that, I am able to walk in true forgiveness, true love and true freedom. Joe said to me, "I don't want to walk behind you. I want to walk this beside you" That pierced my heart. With the victim mentality, Joe would be miles behind me. That's not God's heart. And it's not the truth! And that's not what reconciliation is. Through God's work on the cross, we can all walk together, without comparing, without jealousy or boasting. I can walk hand in hand with my hubby, because we have both been saved by His amazing grace.....

Where have I been, where am I going?

2009-01-13T15:31:00.002-06:00

My auntie Stella told me this beautiful saying

Yesterday is history
tomorrow is a mystery
today is a gift....that's why they call it the present

I've been really struggling in everyday routine. God has been sheding some light on the whole thing in the last couple of weeks.
#1. Depression is the fruit of disobedience. I have been wrestling a bit of that, knowing that there are certain things that God is asking me to do, but I am not obeying. That's the first thing that I need to repent of.

#2. A tornado went through my house in the fall. Taking the roof off, blowing the windows to shreds, and there's debris everywhere. I need to remember that it will take time to rebuild the disaster that struck. So far, Joe and I have been spending time on our marriage, prayerfully repairing foundations in that area.

#3. I need to recognize the good that has not been stripped away. Even through the storm, I am still running faithfully and have even begun to run in the mornings! I have still not thrown up my food or gone back to my eating disorder in order to cope. I am allowing God to go into the deep areas of my heart, even though I'm crazy scared of the pain that will and DOES come out. I am grieving in healthy ways and am learning to lean on God in ways I never knew were possible.

#4. It's time to work on the daily routine. Time to allow God to once again fill me with faith that "I CAN DO THIS" I've been fighting lies that "you're a failure, you can't do this, your kids would be so better off in school....." "you'll never accomplish anything in life, you'll never be anybody..."

I know God is bringing healing, because even just writing out those lies, I know they are so not true! God brought me this far....against all these odds.....why wouldn't he bring me all the way through????

Do you have any idea how many odds we've beaten??? Someday, I'll write a book.....I will....

Caution! REAL HEART EXPOSED!

2009-01-09T12:24:00.004-06:00

This long and winding road is so bittersweet.

I am SO thankful that I have my God.....that's my first thought. When the dust settles, deep down in my heart and spirit, God's peace carries me. Through it all. He is faithful, even tho I am not, even tho others are not, even tho I get scared, angry, sad and hurt.....He never leaves me.....

There is never a dull moment these days in this house. After Joe left and our world fell apart, God mercifully and graciously rescued us and is restoring, rebuilding, and redeeming our pasts.....

I love my blog, sometimes I want to come here and rant and rave, but then I end up speaking the truths of God and walk away encouraged and full of faith. My sister yesterday said, "there's nothing that tastes better than healthy feels" Both my sis and I grew up on junk food and became serious binge and carb eaters! For her to say that statement is a testimony that God can completely destroy something bad and rebuild it into something good. I too can say that phrase and really really mean it!

This is what's happening in my life in SO MANY levels. I am learning through EXTREME trial and EXTREME heartache what is means to CLING to the Lord with my fingernails. I told my sister the other day that back in October, when I look back to the tornado that ripped through our home and my heart, I pictured myself as this burn victim. The ones you see in movies where all you see is a slit for their eyes, becuase every inch of their skin was melted off. Now imagine taking that bandage off! You'd see a human being looking like raw hamburger! THAT WAS ME!

Through time, God...not Joe, not food, not any other human being or thing on this planet......is healing me. There are times when he will remove dirty bandages and I feel exposed....
He will pour anticiptic on my wounds which will sting.....
He will put fresh new, clean bandages on which makes me feel cared for and brings me comfort....
He will sit at my bedside as I hurt and cry with me....or read to me.....or just be there......
In some strange way, I am thankful for this trial becuase without, I would never know my God the way I do now.
I am thankful for the shaking that He does. I am thankful that He cares more for our salvation than our comfort.
I am thankful that His promises never fail.....

He truly is able, and I'm not just being cliche. It really is true. If you knew what we just went through.....you'd believe me......

The true measure of a woman pt 2

2009-01-07T07:49:00.002-06:00

A part of Lisa's book which speaks my heart so much that I wanted to share in her words, yet it's from my heart as well!! She just says it so hitting the nail!

" I will share very openly and honestly. Pretense and appearances are void of power and cannot help anyone. Teachings without the practical knowledge of how to apply them do nothing but weighs us down.

Therefore, I commit to hide nothing from you that I feel might help you. You will have the advantage of gleaning from my foolishness, mishaps, and mistakes.

In return, I ask that you dare to do the same. Dare to be open and honest with yourself. What we hide eventually ensnares and imprisons us. It grows strongest in the shadows of shame and condemnation.

The gospel that empowers us as we live here and now, and its truth will invade every area where we allow Christ to impact us and change our lives.

We must summon the courage as individuals and step out from behind the facades where we have hidden ourselves.

Even in the church, some act as thought they never really needed a Savior. The truth is, we all have sinned and fallen short. Our closets are cluttered and full. Some like it that way. They like the feel of all that clutter. They feel safe holding on to the past. They will tell you they don't have room for any more, because their closets are already bursting at the seams, and they will insist that they already know everything they need to know. They are satisfied with what they have."

Well, I'm not satisfied! I'm tired of my will, and my way! I'm tired of reaping the fruit when I conform to the pattern of this world! I'm tired and restless of relying on half truths (which are lies disguised) , on relying on just getting by. I'm ready to declutter.....as terrifying as this is! To declutter is to toss out comfortable clothes that are well worn and broken in, but is the wrong cloak! For me, it's shame, specific thought patterns, holding on to the past, and methods of control.

I'm very cluttered. I desperately need God's point of view. Not a glimspe, or a glimmer......I won't be satisfied with that....I want the whole meal deal......

The true measure of a woman

2009-01-05T09:49:00.003-06:00

Time to journey down the path in pursuit of truth. What is the true measure of a woman?
I've written down my thoughts in my journal last night and this morning. Not going to reveal it yet...but I just wanted to share the path I'm on.

Asking hard questions, opening up my heart in a very very vulnerable way. Scared of the pain, yet I know that its' now or never. I have to keep going. There's no other way.

Last night I caught a glimpse into God's heart for me, and into some truth. As my heart slowly surrendered to God's tenderness and trusting that He would take care of me, I painfully released more lies and accepted more truth. Renewing your mind actually is quite hard.

God led me to my next book, "The true measure of a woman" by Lisa Bevere. I LOVE how the spirit uses her to speak God's heart!

I'll share more as I walk down this path. If you want to share what you think a measure of a woman is...please...let's share together!

Reconciliation

2008-12-17T13:25:00.004-06:00

God.....
perfect
Holy
Majestic
righteous
THe very representation of love

Man.....
Wicked
Selfish
unholy
condemned

God, became the form of a man, took punishment for nothing. Died on a cross! Died while I was still being a shmuck!! He hung there, with no sin, and took my sin...ALL OF IT...even the sins I haven't even done yet....

Just so that we could be reconciled.....together.....have intimate relationship.....

So I will respond to God's unconditional love by forgiving others. There was no sin too great for Christ to die for, so it will be with me. He died for murders, prostitutes, rapists, even....child molesters!

How can we grasp this kind of love? There is no one righteous, not even one.

We all need the cross..... God, I choose to forgive. Day after day. You've commanded us this for our own freedom, for the reconciliation of us to you, from us to others. For unity, for peace. Forgiveness is the only way. To bear the pain. To lay our rights aside. To loose our life so we can gain it......

I pray for all my friends, family to remember this holiday season that Jesus came all the way to this sinful planet as a mere man, for reconciliation.....What greater news is there to share?

An experpt from Lisa Bevere's book "out of control and loving it"

2008-12-09T08:17:00.003-06:00

Unfortunately, many a Christian is busy laboring to appear to be someone of substance and accomplishment. This leaves the person feeling void and fearful. Appearances are very laborious to maintain. Any strength they yield is expended in their constant protection.

Appearances drain us of the energy we need to change. Appearance by definition means "presentation, air, bearing, semblance, or demeanor." In contrast, Substance is defined as "the essence, matter, element, or material."

This definition suggests the very life or truth of an issue, person, or thing. What it is made of, not merely what it is cloaked in.

The truth is not ashamed; it is open and rides the winds of principles that supersede time. Appearances merely cover over the outward and gain their strength through deception. Time is the captor of appearance, and ultimately time exposes and destroys it. God's ways are higher than our own. His truth and principles live on. The truth always outlives a lie.

Chew on THAT for a while....I know I have!

2008-12-05T18:47:00.001-06:00

joe's blog

shame

2008-12-03T12:42:00.006-06:00

As God continues to lead me through becoming whole, He shows me bits at a time. As much as I can chew.

I was visiting with an awesome friend and spiritual mom the other night. I went there broken after a day of battling fears, thoughts and felt all beat up from fighting the good fight. As we talked about self image, body image, self worth....God dropped more of the path I need to walk right in front of me. My eyes were opened to a cloak that I wear. Shame.

As God peels back the layers of pain, hurt and protective walls, He is making clear all the lies I've agreed with all my life. I'm still walking this, I'm right in the thick, so this may sound that clear. It's not that clear to me yet. But God is faithful to carry this work out to it's end. My sister/friend and I recognized that our wound was rooted in the same shame, but took on different symptoms. For her, she gets busy. She does and does and does. She tries to find her worth in who she helps, how committed she is to serving and doing doing doing. It was clear to see why it took on this face. She was the oldest of many siblings. The enemy used that door to attack her self worth. She was vulnerable there. To this day, she too wants to be free from the shame that she feels deep down.

For me, I was vulnerable in my body image. I was exposed to porn and sexual abuse in grade school. By the time I met Joe at 16, I had come to believe the lie that I was worth something if I was sexy, skinny and available for males. If guys desired me sexually, then I was worth something. I allowed myself to agree with the lie that I was only worth a body. My personality, sense of humor, interests weren't important to them, so therefore, it didn't matter.

I was telling Joe last night, as I'm discovering this that I don't even know what my passions are. What ARE my interests? What makes me me? I won't find out for real until this damaging cloak comes off. I'm very excited to imagine what I will be like free from shame. I can sense God will be showing how to battle this on a spiritual level. It's His battle, I just have to walk in what Jesus did for me.

God also showed me that all these years, I've been fighting for freedom, but in MY strength and flesh. I think of two big examples of this: becoming a runner, and a homeschooling mom... I have been restless for many many years. Wanting to break free from the lies that say, "you won't do ANYTHING with your life, it's pointless" So in frustration and pride, I've pressed through my fears of failing in becoming a runner and being a homeschool mom. But it's only taken me so far. I'm left empty on the other end.

Don't hear me say that God didn't do ANYTHING through running and homeschooling....HE HAS....but he's going deeper.....He has taught me many things through these two battles. Perseverance and running back to the cross again and again.

My freedom from bulimia was a huge time of learning. It was faith mixed with works. It was BELIEVING the truth in action. I know that I overcame bulimia by waring with the right weapons. God showed me a huge victory in putting one foot in front of the other BASED ON TRUTH. Walking on truth with each step, led to my freedom. Of course, I am so humbled when I think that his timing was to deal with this in preparation for our hard times now.

He is so good. So merciful....

This is so cool!

2008-11-27T15:28:00.002-06:00

Rules: put on your itunes/mp3 player on shuffle and then write the name of the song as the answer to these questions. And NO SKIPPING SONGS!

How would you describe yourself?
I do believe (Steven Curtis Chapman)

YES I DO!!

What do you like in a guy/girl ?
Whatever (steven Curtis Chapman)

I don't think I'm THAT laid back!

How do you feel today?
Vogue (madonna)

I actually do a little bit!~ haha

Our life's purpose ?
Axel f (crazy frog)

Ummmm.....I'd have to disagree!

What is your motto?
There's got to be more to life (stacci orrico)

For sure! Always looking to go deeper, to know more!

What do your friends think about you ?
Daddy's girl (KJ 52)

I hope so, cause that's who I AM!!!!
That's what God showed Joe a while ago!

What do you think of your parents ?
Electronic Pleasure (N-Trance)

Ummm....not really

What is 2 + 2 ?
Ungrateful (detrick Haddon)

???

What do you think of your best friends?
Ain't no other man (christina aguilera)

Well, my BEST friend, ain't no other man like him! He's the kinda guy a girl finds once in a blue moon, with style, class...

What do you think of the person you like ?
Speed of light (avalon)

What is your life story?
Please don't stop the music (rihanna)

My life has definintly been very dramatic! And as a sanguine, I never like the party to end!

What do you want to be when you grow up ?
No air (jordin sparks)
hahaha
Yes, I've always wanted to be no air!

What will they play at your funeral ?
If you really knew (out of eden)

If you really knew jesus! YES...I would want people to KNOW JESUS!

What is your hobby/interest ?
Open up the sky(deluge)

What is your biggest fear ?
Matchless (aaron Shust)

What is your biggest secret ?
How great is our god (passion)

That is a secret, that I hope I tell often!!!

What do you think of your friends ?
My hope (Rebecca st.james)

Well, God is my hope, but God gives me hope THROUGH my friends LOTS!

What song best describes you ?
The word is alive (casting crowns)

YESSSS!!!!! The transformations happening in me are all becuase THE WORD IS ALIVE!!!!
AMEN!!!!

What song best describes your crush ?
east to the west (casting crowns)
Yeah.....that would be my hubby. Forgiven and redeemed....

What did you think of this quiz?

Wanna love you (pinel family)

2008-11-27T10:21:00.002-06:00

I'm posting my comment!

I actually loved how God communicated through a response I gave in my comment box, and it's my heart for ALL my sisters!!!

YOU ARE SUPER BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We NEED to let go of this idea of what's "beautiful"!!!
Seriously! God made us spirit, with bodies, not bodies alone. Our bodies are the carriers of who we really are inside. I've always right from the start wanted to loose weight to be healthy, to take care of the body/temple that God gave me. I have got caught up in looking like a certain "package" and still do at times. Thin isn't what makes a person beautiful, but their heart. their spirit. There are many people I know that are so "pretty" on the outside but are so lost on the inside! And it actually takes away from their physical beauty!
You are a very pretty woman on the outside! But more importantly....YOUR HEART is what makes you shine! You have so much passion for the Lord, for your family and to walk righteously.
I hope and pray that when people meet me, they see a heart for God, not just a pretty face.

I have been convicted for many many years about taking care of my health. I love to run so that I can build a strong heart. I love to do abs because I want a strong core. It helps me take care of my kids better, I'm not as tired and I just feel better. If you feel led to loose weight, do it for your health, not to look a certain way. Going after a "package" will leave you empty and void. There isn't any fruit in it except for a lower self esteem and you're more open to the enemy's lies, becuase you are playing his game.

Together, let's walk towards how God sees us. Through that, let's let Him change us through conviction of sin, overeating and laziness. And to be motivated through His unconditional love for us, that we don't need to look a certain way for Him to accept us! He is always telling us we are beautiful!
I read in Song of songs about a month ago
"YOU ARE THE LOVELIEST OF ALL WOMEN!" Coming from my Daddy God, that's all a woman wants to hear.....
That's my heart in all this
LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY DEAR FRIENDS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST!

body image

2008-11-24T10:28:00.006-06:00

Last week I put the scale away. In my time of desperation and high heat (courtesy of God) I have come to a place where healing and wholeness trump all else.

God has called our family to radical healing and wholeness. But our every second, every moment choices are crucial to this process. I know that in order to become all that God has called me to be, I need to get comfortable in the skin I'm in. I need to show my beauty from within.

My prayer is to become meek, quiet and gentle. Of course, the way God created me isn't the meek and quietness of someone else. I know other women whose meekness looks totally different than someone else's meekness. Quietness can come in many different forms too. I am thankful that God is telling me all the time how beautiful he made me....which actually is animated, full of spirit and passion!

One of the truths I stand on a repeat when nesessary is, 'I am not a body. I HAVE a body, but I am a spirit"

Back in Sept when Joe wasnt' with us for a couple of weeks, I lost 10 pounds due to extreme stress. But since he's been home and we are slowly approaching normal, my eating patterns have just come into line. And I am now in a healthy range for my height. I am officially no longer "overweight" Something really broke for me in all this. That's another thing to give God thanks for! His timing is perfect, He thinks of everything! When God was rooting out my bulimia back in February, He knew that hard times were coming. He knew that it was time to leave that part of me behind to prepare me for now. If I had not dealt with my eating disorder, I'd be a severe mess!

To truly come to healing with my body image and become secure with how God sees me, I have taken further steps to walk towards this. It's been very hard, and I've been very scared, becuase this is all I've known. Even tho adopting God's opinion of me would be the very best for me, it's not what's comfortable. We humans like to stick to what's familiar. Even if it's bondage.

Since the scale has been away, I haven't "labeled myself" with a number each morning. I don't wake up and say to myself, "I'm Sarah, 138 pounds" I am just Sarah! It's freeing. It's way more peaceful. And I also find that I don't eat according to the number. If I'm "sarah/140" then I am constantly making sure I don't eat much that day. If I'm Sarah/135, well, then I deserve a treat! This is so dumb!

These days, I eat 3-4 meals a day, stop when I'm satisfied and choose foods that make me feel physically good. I NEVER in a MILLION years thought I'd ever say these words, knowing that I was free. Such an amazing, humbling thing. God is so good and patient. And He LOVES ME! And He says I"M WORTH IT!

Peace be still

2008-11-20T08:30:00.004-06:00

I've spent most of my christian life having a WHOLE lot to say, and could have listened way more. Now that the fire is hot and my eyes have been opened to HOW MUCH I NEEEEED GOD, I realize how much I need to learn to be still.

My mind goes 24/7. And even in the last couple years, it even goes while I'm trying to sleep! If I wake from a deep sleep, my mind will start going and I'll toss and turn the rest of the night. I know this isn't God's desire. His word says that His burden and yoke are easy and light. He is a God of peace. He tells us to be anxious for nothing and with a thankful heart, lay down your cares and fears and He will fill you with peace that you cannot understand....

I want to learn to be quiet, to be still. I want to hear Him speak....clearly. I want to KNOW His voice, without doubt......I can't be physically still, I have 4 kids! I am always moving! But my spirit needs to learn this. To be still in the storm of marriage, kids and personal walking with God.

I trust that God will break me. It's amazing to me how fears and cares can just creep up on a person over the years. This is a need for control. Rooted in fear. God is totally breaking this in me. There's more and more freedom as I surrender to Him. Learning to trust Him with our very fragile hearts can be very hard.

In Song of Songs, He calls us, saying, Come to me, unveiled, so I can see your face!"
And the bride responds with, "Then please protect me from the foxes and wolves"

He will protect me.....May my life forever show a surrendered soul in the process of becoming like my Maker.

this and that

2008-11-17T07:54:00.011-06:00

Noah at homeschool gymnastics. Let him burn off some of that energy!!! If that was even possible!This is what the girls do while Noah jumps around. Sometimes I take them to parables for hot chocolate while Noah jumps around.

Elishah being cute
Noah in Tae Kwon Do. He tests for his yellow belt in 2 weeks

Isaiah in 3rd year ballet. She's skipping backwards! Can you do that?
Our hot tub that we rented for our anniversary! We should have taken more pics than we did :(
Here's the kids running in the snow with steamy hot bodies!
Elishah loved it! well, so did everyone!
I put this on facebook, but I wanted my mother in law to see this. If you click to enlarge the picture, you can actually see a rabbit, an insect, a sperm and other things if you use your imagination!
This is what my mom and my auntie ninette do when they want to visit! They occasionally give us candy so they can get in a few minutes of talking! But they didn't really get to visit anyway, cause we were making everything sticky!
Daniel enjoying his treat.

Our 12th year anniversary

2008-11-12T12:23:00.002-06:00

Honestly, it is by God's grace, mercy, love and compassion that Joe and I have celebrated (and I mean celebrated!) our 12th year this year.

God hasn't released the story yet, but when the timing is right, we will be able to encourage and help many people.....not just yet tho.....

This year, we changed everything. We used to stay in a hotel every year and go to our favorite anniversary restaurant, Mr. Rizo's. This year, we farmed out the kids and rented a hot tub!

I am so blessed to have a man like Joe. His heart is amazing. I wish I could share more! But all I can say is that God is making us stronger than we've ever been. Our foundations are being rebuilt and our faith solidified in the One true rock...Jesus....Daddy....Savior.....

EVERYONE has faith

2008-11-08T14:54:00.009-06:00

I'm reading this amazing book called, "Out of control and loving it" by Lisa Bevere. So so good!!! Just what I need right now. Each chapter just hits home for me. God told me to buy this book and it sure was the one for what I've been going through!!

Fear vs. love. I always thought it was fear vs. faith. But it's not. Will your faith work for you or against you? You choose to believe either the lies or the truth, there is no such thing as in between. Fear will choose to believe in the SEEN and love will choose to believe in the UNSEEN.

Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude or self seeking, and keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.
Love ALWAYS protects,trusts, hopes and perseveres.

Fear is impatient, unkind, envies, boasts, is proud, rude and self seeking. Fear keeps a record of wrongs, fear delights in lies.
Fear never protects, never trusts, never hopes or perseveres.

LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Fear will fill you with questions. That bring unrest, anxiety and a need to control
Love will fill you with peace, rest and a surrendered heart

God's word is love
Fear is a spirit that needs to battled with His word (His love) in your mind
It's a process of disciplining your thoughts, your flesh and speaking what God's word says instead of looking at what is seen with the naked eye.

This is the refining that God is doing in my life and there are times I take joy in this process and there are times I just sit and bawl at how hard this is.......
But HE IS GOOD FAITHFUL AND JUST
He will see me through...He always has and always will.....

9 months today

2008-11-05T08:58:00.003-06:00

3 quarters of a year.....never in my life have I seen that kind of clean time in 18 years. I found this post 2 years ago of when I was still wrestling with bulimia. It's such fresh air to live without it! God used to tell me that someday, it will be a distant memory. Not that I would be able to forget the pain because it will be the pain that He will use to glorify Him someday!
. 18 years, I wrestled that beast. There were so many days, I thought I thought I'd take that beast to my grave....

Praise God! Only through His death and resurrection have I been able to experience a death and a rising to new life!

Here is a post from a couple years ago. When I was in the thick of the cycle.

Joe's home now

2008-11-02T13:06:00.005-06:00

On Saturday, Joe pleaded with the doctors to let him come home. The surgeon said that he was okay with that as long as his fever didn't come back and he didn't get any sicker. Joe is recovering from a nasty abdominal infection. He's on some bigger gun oral antibiotics and is resting as much as he can.

This journey.....God is moving so deeply in this home. As both of us willingly confess together that we are open to the refining process....God wastes no time. He uses everything for His purpose. I am so amazed at WHAT He uses!!!!
Everything from the hospital God chose to put him in, to Joe's physical weakness. Every one I run into, every thought that enters my mind. He uses it all. Or at least He wants to, if I let him.
There's been even more breakthrough in our marriage through all of this. I have about 40 pages of loose leaf journaling since the middle of September! When God rebuilds something, he doesn't just stand around and sip coffee....He works day in and day out....through the night and in our dreams. He never slumbers and never sleeps. He is 100 % dependable is the God of wholeness.....

You know, when God brings two people together and makes them one flesh, they go together like a lock and key. I know sometimes i've said, "I could NEVER be married to that person! " or "How could that person be married to him!" Well, it's simple. When God makes one flesh from two people, only those two people are anointed to be together and stay together. No matter how hard marriage can be, you just can't separate what God made one.....

I'm officially old.......er.....

2008-11-01T08:56:00.003-06:00

Today, I turned 30. At 12:55 pm
So I'm still officially in my "20's" for 4 more hours......LOL

Caleb's death anniversary and hospital

2008-10-27T18:15:00.004-06:00

God's timing is perfect, but as a human, sometimes, I don't understand that whole perfect part....

On Caleb's 2 year death anniversary (Oct 27), Joe was put under for emergency surgery. His appendix had ruptured and was severely infected. It had absessed. He's been in the hospital since monday. The doctors said that "his appendix was one of the worst we had seen, it was BAD! It was a real mess in there"

Joe's on some heavy anitbiotics, but there was talk yesterday of opening him up again to do some more cleaning. I sure pray that doesn't happen. When Joe 'woke up' from the anesthestic, he was in intense pain! From all the sucking and prodding and cutting they did. The surgery was an hour over what they thought it would take, because of the big mess inside.

Days at the hospital. We don't know when he will be coming out. Please pray for us. Our kids and our family. We need health and wholeness.....

Our family trip to Edmonton

2008-10-26T17:53:00.028-06:00

Before we went to Edmonton, we spent a day in the park. On that beautiful day when the leaves were so colorful!

My dad happened to be in Edmonton on the same day! How cool is that? So I convinced him to do the mind bender with me! So much fun! I screamed the whole time and dad laughed uncontrollably!

Joe and Noah on the famous swing of the century!

The classic merry go round. Faith rode this about 3 times!

The mini coaster.
On the balloon ride! We had so much fun!

In the play land. It's like the fun factory, only 20 times better!
The good ol spaghetti factory

On to the water park!

I ran into Noah at one point in the water park and asked how he was doing. I heard him say something about the sky screamer. I jumped in and said,'NO! you can't go on that!" He said, "mom, i already did!" LONG PAUSE......."Oh,......then let me go get my camera and take a picture of you then!" So here's Noah way at the top of the tallest slide!

This was a new thing they built! It was amazing and so much fun! At the very top, you can see a big "slurpee type cup" it would fill with water and then dump on the whole play structure!!!! it was cool!
Me and my faithfullness
Joe and Faith relaxing on the "beach"
The girls running through the surf
Time to go :(
And a last trip to the Science center before we hit the road. We ended up getting in for free since there wasn't many galleries open from "body worlds"
It was a blast. Something that we all needed....Back to real life....

Care Bear

Where have I been?

The way I process

point form

25 to life

the cry of every girl's heart

Things I am looking forward to

point form

My little faithfulness....in kindergarten.......

When will I be worth fighting for?

Gravol addiction

child training 101-huh?

So it's official

My first tattoo

Highlights of Isaiah's 9th birthday party

From heroin to methadone

My opinion on the Mel Gibson rant

Living without facebook status updates

My life in point form

CANADA DAY!

The 2nd annual Waldherr Bridgecity boogie

my night tonight

sister see sister do

Life without ED....or should I say Edith?

Paradox?

Caleb's birthday and my 2 year

Fitness certification and my heart

My song for this season

finding balance

31 and falling apart

Since I'm being brutally honest....why stop now?

Here it goes.......New light on a sick and twisted way of living

A new door to walk through

Who wants to hear a lice story? (Caution....swear words in post)

Thankful

what's underneath?

Reason for the dream

a dream

BOSU BALL

Update

A picture I got at the lake

ROTFLMAO!

Going away

thoughts

More church questions...more like LIFE questions

Why church?

Sarah.....writes poetry??

found some old pics of me

I am a total geek

what's the waldherr's been doing?

The sun is shining for me today

??? what the hell

on the way home

for some fun

TV or no TV?

The biggest loser

Thankful books/movies/tv shows

Thank you God for...(155)

Thankful list con't from FOREVER AGO.

How do I blog?

Am I going to fall or forever hang over this cliff?

Divorce, separation, heartache......

some pics of this and that

My top 11 workout songs

My new running song

Good things.....hard things

My 10 top food staples and 10 foods I like to treat with

more thoughts

My thoughts in point form

I need a miracle

Marriage and forgiveness

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BOY!

Heart's motives

Coming up to one year

Our family picture of Disney Land

The vicitim mentality

Where have I been, where am I going?

Caution! REAL HEART EXPOSED!

The true measure of a woman pt 2

The true measure of a woman