Good things.....hard things

hard things:

Kids in school is an adjustment to us all. The hard part about this is that yet another identity has been stripped from me. I am no longer "sarah-the homeschool mom" So I'm still wondering in yet a deeper painful way, "who am I"

We are approaching a very very difficult season. I can't share at all what it is, but needless to say, IT"S GOING TO HURTTTTTTTT! I do believe that much good will come out of it, otherwise there's no way I would walk this way if I didn't know God was calling us this way....So surrounding this is much much fear.....fear of what I'll find, fear of how much it will hurt...

Emotional eating. The first week the kids went back to school, it was a 'fall off the wagon' week. Of course compared to "fall off the wagon" one year ago looked alot different! Never the less, it's what's going on in my heart that matters. And turning to old ways of coping with fear and change wasn't fun. I'm still wobbly, I'd say that I'm half way back on the wagon (to my standards of eating) It really bums me out when I fill my body with junk! I physicaly and spiritually just feel like a lump of lard!

Good things:

Kids going to school. It's a very cool thing at the same time. There is a big part of me that's excited for new purpose and a new season that God is bringing to our family. The second week was much much better than the first. I am enjoying spending time with my baby girls one on two. We've gone swimming, story time at the library, we play playdoh, paint, play preschool computer games, read books, tell stories, visit kokum, visit auntie and daniel.....and this is just the beginning! Soon it will be nice out and we will be going for walks, to parks, to the zoo, on nature hikes, biking.....the list seems so ENDLESS to me! two kids? how long has it been since I've only had two kids??????? try 9 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are approaching a difficult season. My spirit knows that this is a key ticket to my healing. I know in my spirit deep down that this pain will be the release of much hurt. My eyes of faith (if I still have some) sees as healing on the horizon. Sees a warrior emerging from deep within me. Sees a confidence that's never been there before, sees a deep tie to my Father and not to the things that leave me empty......

Emotional eating. When I compare one year ago to today, it's really actually unbelieveable to see "my emotional eating week" today, from last year. Let me paint it for you:
two years ago (before i started running)
Breakfast-2-3 pieces of toast loaded in butter, a bowl of cereal and my kids' leftover crusts!
snack-cookies (maybe as many as 5-10!)
lunch-two bowls of kraft dinner with breaded chicken fingers. and my kids' left overs
snack-more bread with more butter or bagels, or english muffins or donuts......
supper- after eating a serving while cooking, i would eat two helpings of some kind of fattening food all gravy, all sauce, all bread.....AND the kids' left overs and while cleaning up....more food!
before bed- cookies, or brownies, or icecream or popcorn, but 4-5 times out of the week, i would eat myself stuffed before bed.
alot of this food would be thrown up. My body exhasted from digesting a sick amount of food PLUS the work of all the vomiting.....
MAN!!! THANK GOD YOU SAVED ME!

Today:
A fairly normal healthy eating day. But when the kids got home from school, they were all hungry and I ate with them. Last week I was eating cookies and bread for comfort. The quanities were cut in at least half. and not throwing up! I still had my regular workouts and am turning it around each day.

So there you have it.....once again.....I'm wearing out the saying, "BITTERSWEET"
But that's what my life is......bittersweet
joyful/sorrowful......
no numbness around here!

My 10 top food staples and 10 foods I like to treat with

1. Coffee. I was off coffee for a time, but my heartburn went away so every morning starts with 2 cups of hazelnut flavored coffee

2. Egg creations. Made with only egg whites. My favorite flavor is garden vegetable. Almost every morning I have these eggs with one slice of dry toast.

3. Hot salsa. It goes on pretty much everything I eat. Eggs, soup, pasta, salads, sandwiches, potatoes... It's a low calorie way to spruce up what I'm eating.

4. Green tea. Thanks to my sis nin, I make a whole pot of green tea in my coffee maker everyday. with two bags, I will drink that whole pot everyday. Sometimes I dilute it with water to get more H2O.

5. Veggies. I go through different phases of liking different ones. These days, it's colored peppers, asparagus, and broccoli. I've had spinach, romaine, even beet kicks. So glad that God made so many cool things for us to eat so we don't get bored!

6. Cottage cheese! A super healthy way to get some extra protien! And it tastes great too! I put it in yogurt, stirfry's, soups, on sandwiches, potatoes, salads.....well, kinda like salsa...

7. My protien powder. After a strength workout, nothing feels better than to feed your muscles what they want! no carbs, just all protien....hits the spot.

8. Go lean crunch! I LOVE that cereal! A good balance of protien and carbs, it's a great snack, if I'm feeling my sweet tooth rise up, a small bowl of this will totally curb it!

9. Tuna and salmon. A good, flavorful sandwich! I'm learning to even eat it without mayo!

10. BANANAS! A serving is actually only half. It's amazing what bananas will do for your body! It's a magic type of fuel. One whole banana can get you through 90 minutes of exersise! Within one day, I will eat a whole banana, by taking 3 or 4 bites of at each sitting.

Of course, excluding this last week of bad eating, this is how I've been eating for quite a while. I'm back on track now as of yesterday and back at the gym.

As a side note, I'd like to add a list of foods that I like to indulge in:

1. Popcorn! I used to make myself a big bowl of popcorn 4-5 times a week! and eat the whole bowl! Now I will make it 2-3 times a month as a treat for myself and eat only half a bowl.

2. Butter! I LOVE BUTTER! I never buy it though, cause I can't seem to use self discipline to use it once and a while and only use a little!

3. Chips! These are the one food that I CAN"T HAVE IN MY HOUSE....EVER! I will treat myself at social gatherings to a handful or two, but if the guests don't take the chips home, I will throw them out! Or I will eat the whole bag!

4. Mc Donalds fries! When I go to Mc D's, I will either get a grilled snack wrap with no sauce, or two chicken fajitas. One time out of every 10, I will order myself a fry. I do eat a few of my kids's tho each time!;)

5. Pizza. To me, pizza is a no no. It's loaded in a million calories and fat. IF I choose to eat pizza, it's only one piece, but i'm never full after one piece, so I'd rather just make myself something else!

6. BROWNIES! Man, I love Joe's homemade brownies! He makes them from scratch. This is another food that I'm not totally comfortable to have it in the house. I am starting to become more disciplined and just putting them out of sight and not touching them. This week, I would have eaten a pan to myself....well not a whole pan, but enough to make a bad dent!

7. Mashed potatoes. That's another food that you don't really get a whole lot of bang for your buck. I LOVE potatoes, but half a cup with gravy is the same as a cheeseburger! I'd rather choose the baked potato and put salsa on it. But once a while, I will have a little scoop.

8. CHEESE! OOO I love block cheese. One serving of cheese is 2 oz. it's two slices for one day. That's hard to do sometimes. I will skip it all together often becuase I don't like to only have 2 slices.

9. Wine. I rarely drink calories. But wine is worth it!

10. White bread. I really like the taste of white bread! I like the way it smells after you toast it and to have a white bread sandwich. But I rarely pick white bread. It's a treat when I do tho!

So what's your two lists?

more thoughts

-I'm scared
-Scared of being real this very second.
-Scared of going back to the way I was
-Seeing very old patterns of coping
-Emotionally eating
-Even tempted to throw up!
-Discouraged
-Did I say scared?
-Crying alot
-Am I going to make it through this transition?
-Why do I always have to let fear get the best of me
-Worried of what certain people will think of me
-Just a big ball of flesh
-On the verge of surrender....but holding on to things that make me feel temporarily good
-Calling my spiritual mothers...can you pray for me?

there...i was more than honest. I am being vulnerable....hoping that knocking off some of this pride might help.....

My thoughts in point form

-A new sense of purpose rising up in me
-A peace and rest that God is carrying us through this transition
-A mom at heart, knowing for her little (big) ones are in a big world without her
-What does God have for us now?
-Rebuilding
-redeeming
-rewiring
-rejoicing
-heart soft.....who am I?
-ears listening.....God, what do say about me?
-eyes opening....in faith, where are you taking us?

-Faith playing playdoh at our kitchen table
-Elishah napping
-will I clean out the hall closet? I could tackle anything in this house......
God speak, I am listening.
Bring your continued healing into this home.......

USING ONLY ONE WORD! It's not as easy as you might think! It's really hard to only use one word answers.....



1.Your Cell phone? Nope

2. Your significant other? BBF

3. Your hair? Blonde

4. Your mother? Crazy

5. Your father? Figure

6. Your favorite thing? Bible

7. Your dream last night? Forget

8. Your favorite drink? Coffee

9. Your dream/goal? Healing

10. What room you are in? Caleb's

11. Your hobby? Running

12. Your fear? Failing

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Helping

14. Where were you last night? Earl's

15. Your heart? Thankful

16. Muffins? nope

17. Wish list item? Freedom

18. Where you grew up? Lenore

19. Last thing you did? shower

20. What are you wearing? Armor

21. Your TV? Big

22. Your pets? Gone

23. Friends? Thankful

24. Your life? Tornado

25. Your mood? Changes

26. Missing someone? Caleb

27. Car? Van

28. Something you're not wearing? Opinions

29. Your favorite store? Marmart

30. Your favorite color? Rainbow

31. Your motto? Love

32. Something you say all the time? Help!

33. When is the last time you laughed? Earl's

34. Last time you cried? Yesterday

35. Who will resend this? Shrug

36. One place that I go to over and over? Cross

37. One person who emails me regularly? Nin

38. Favorite place to eat? Asian

39. Why you participated in this survey? Nin

40. What are you doing tonight? Running

I need a miracle

There's things in my heart that are very scary. Normal in my circumstances, but in need of God's healing.

If someone's loved one got killed by a drunk driver, I'm sure that they would go through a time of hating the person that killed them. Sinful, yet normal. Forgiveness is only possible through the grace of God.

My heart cries out for righteousness. As I carry hate in my heart, I know only God can bring me the ability to forgive. I can't will it, becuase my human nature is to respond in hate. So when I am healed of this, it will be GOD that did it. Nothing else can redeem this.

When God bring full redemption......what a glorious testimony all this will be......
God is more than able and I'm fully confident of that.
Never through all this have I doubted his goodness, his love for me or his faithfulness.

Marriage and forgiveness

Last night, I again was overwhelmed at living right in the middle of God's grace and love.

2 Corinthians 5 says:
So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

It's an amazing opportunity to be able to walk this out in my marriage everyday. My paraphrase of this passage is this:

See yourself through God's eyes. Recieve forgiveness, get right with Him. He did everything for you, He gave it all so that you could sit right in His lap! How amazing it is that Christ forgave ALL your sins! After you have been made right with God by repentance and redemption, you now have been given the opportunity to SHOW the very gospel, the very HEART of God to others! God's unconditional love knows no bounds. It knew no bounds for you, and it knows no bounds for others. If anyone has hurt you, forgive them, for they have been forgiven by God. Show them with your actions and with yielding your heart that you love them as Christ loves them. Then, they will know and see Christ's unconditional, unfailing love in the flesh!

Hee hee, I'm not a bible inturrpreter....but this is how this scripture has played out in my life in the last 5 months.

It's amazing to see the face of someone who caused you so much pain, to be able to recieve God's love and forgiveness through me! God's character is walked out in our very marriage everyday. It's so bittersweet.
It's so beautiful. It's nothing at all that we've done (other than messing up)

God is truly redeeming the most awful thing into something beautiful. My God....is SO WORTHY. There's no one like him.....
He can take puke and make it a crown. He can take crap, and make it smell as fragrant as roses. Who do you know that can do THAT???

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BOY!

My oldest son would have been 13 today. A TEENAGER!
Son, you make me feel old! I wonder what kind of cake you're eating.....
We miss you so much! Your brother misses you the most. You sisters do too, but Noah had a very special bond with you, his only brother. Your life has given so many opportunities to share God's goodness. You truly are our angel. Without you, we would be very different people and I guarantee, that the good things in us were because of you.

I still listen to your song, "Only have my love" by Jaylene Johnson and think of how you freely gave purely who you were. You offered all you were, just the way you were. I want to be like you Caleb. A free spirit that's not tied down by the cares of this world. You were not conformed to the pattern of this world. In so many ways, as hard as life was for you, you were blessed to be separated from all the pulls and temptations that this fallen world has.

I just want to thank you buddy, for being a huge part of my freedom. For some reason, God chose your birthday to be the day I became free from my eating disorder. I believe that it was chosen that way for a reason. I remember all the strength that you had here on earth, and I believe you passed some of your strength to me. Now on your birthday, my deliverance is directly tied to who you were. Now, your 13th birthday is also my one year anniversary for being free! What a great way to share this day!

Your life, Caleb was a blessing. You blessed everyone who chose to recieve you.

Heart's motives

My heart's desire is to find true healing these days. To find my true identity. No counterfeits, no gimmicks, no quick fixes.....the real deal.

Human flesh is so dumb sometimes. It's so lazy, so selfish, so looking for the easy way out, looking for short cuts, looking to make it all a comfortable ride. Flesh would be perfectly happy to sit in the same place, not move, not be challenged, not change, not hurt......it doesn't care about freedom. It would rather have comfort than peace.

The cool thing about this is that God created us spirit. Our spirit cries out for the real deal, for the real peace, for the real relationship. It usually takes an average human being a whole lifetime to learn that flesh gives birth to death and spirit gives birth to life.

I believe that I'm finally more and more APPRECIATING the PROCESS of becoming like Christ. My flesh would say that the wilderness sucks, but I know that what my flesh says doesn't really matter. Through my spirit, I understand that the wilderness is actually the way to the promise land. The longer I allow my flesh to kick and scream through the wilderness, the longer it will take to get out!

But apart from "getting out of the wilderness".......since we are ALL destined to go through it, isn't there something totally sweet about the fellowship we find with our Father? Isn't it a bittersweet place when we can worship and praise through our pain? Isn't there something mysterious and wonderful to have joy in the offering?

God's love is like none other. I will praise Him through my pain. Because I know that He takes everything and turns it into something good. Trials turned to gold. God sits me down infront of all my enemies and loves on me. He pours healing oil on my head. He is the real deal. Always has been, always will be.....and most importantly...HE IS RIGHT NOW

Coming up to one year

In one week from today, it will be a WHOLE YEAR since I've thrown up my food! ONE WHOLE YEAR! after 18 years of bondage, I'd say God is good!

I still can't believe it. It's one of those things where it feels like a lifetime ago, like a distant memory, but yet, the pain of that eating disorder will never leave me. I will never forget what it felt like to be chained to a fridge and a toilet.....never.....

I never thought I'd see this day. I thought i would die a bulimic. I thought I'd be one of those people in the motorized carts that couldn't walk anymore because they were too big!

I don't know how I want to celebrate yet.
I really want sushi! hhhmmmm......wasabi........

It's something to celebrate!!!
Does anyone have any suggestions?

Our family picture of Disney Land

The vicitim mentality

Everything in my life is bittersweet. When I laugh....I laugh....
When I cry....I cry.....

It's all so intense. Up and down, fast and slow, hot and cold, yet with God...steady and clear.....

The latest in my heart has been "the victim mentality"

Of course, everything in life is in layers. God's been stripping this from me for many years. Only now, in this season....it's CRUCIAL that I do NOT give into the victim mentality.

For me, the thing about playing the victim is that it's SO easy to do. My rights are right in front of me all the time, just speaking to me, "you DESERVE this! He OWES you! You have every right to expect this or that! "
Before I know it, I've spiraled down into a lonely pit of despair....not knowing how to get out.
I've taken this road several times through this journey, only to be trapped, shackled in bitterness and all alone with a voice of shame speaking lies to me.

it's so true that God is the healer of our hearts. I can only ask God to change me, I can't do it by myself. I can only pray for a broken spirit, I can't "will" repentance. Only God can truly lead me there. Without God, this really would be impossible.
I can't tell you how many times, my flesh is the only thing I can hear, see, taste, and feel. It screams out for self protection. It screams out selfish cries for justice and for self....all I can see with my eyes before me is the wound, the hurt, the offense. But yet, as the bitterness grips me, and the voice that says "I'm not worth anything" speaks crap into my spirit...I know I'm at a crossroads. I have to make a choice. There's nothing in my flesh that WANTS to submit. Nothing in me that desires to lay down my rights....but I hear a small voice telling me to lay it down. Telling me I need to repent....

I heard a story of a 2 year old yesterday that gave me a perfect picture of me as a human and a child of God. This describes me to a T!

This child has been going through "a phase" Lately, for some unknown reason, the 2 year old will not submit! He won't come when he's called. If he's asked to look at his parent, he'll turn and look the other way out of defiance! when the parent takes his face and physically holds it so he can look at her, his eyes will wander to the ceiling, or the wall. No matter how many spanks he gets, he will not lay down, or stop what he's doing. But.....he will break.....there's no other way out.......
Sounds like me. 3 days ago, I decided that I deserved a few things. Within 48 hours of pursuing my personal rights, I was alone, tormented spiritually and separated from Joe. In desperation, Running to God, pleading with him to speak to me His truth. My head had been filled with a bunch of lies and I needed breakthrough.
He graciously, yet painfully peeled back my pride enough to show me how He carried my sins to His very death. How the nails He took for me... He took with no strings attached. He again reminded me that all of us need the cross. Not one more than the other, but all His kids need forgiveness and mercy. As I repent of believing these lies and laying down my rights and picking up my cross, I see clearly that I am always called out to live as God has called me. And that NO ONE can take me out of the will of God but ME! If I'm a "victim" then I believe the lie that "I'm not really held accountable, because it wasn't my fault." I will miss out on God's best for me because I'm not walking in obedience! By walking out of God's plan for me, I am selling myself short of God's blessings and protection. Plus on top of all that, my relationship with my hubby is being damaged by my selfishness.

His cross, death and resurrection breaks our sin right off. Through that, I am able to walk in true forgiveness, true love and true freedom. Joe said to me, "I don't want to walk behind you. I want to walk this beside you" That pierced my heart. With the victim mentality, Joe would be miles behind me. That's not God's heart. And it's not the truth! And that's not what reconciliation is. Through God's work on the cross, we can all walk together, without comparing, without jealousy or boasting. I can walk hand in hand with my hubby, because we have both been saved by His amazing grace.....

Where have I been, where am I going?

My auntie Stella told me this beautiful saying

Yesterday is history
tomorrow is a mystery
today is a gift....that's why they call it the present

I've been really struggling in everyday routine. God has been sheding some light on the whole thing in the last couple of weeks.
#1. Depression is the fruit of disobedience. I have been wrestling a bit of that, knowing that there are certain things that God is asking me to do, but I am not obeying. That's the first thing that I need to repent of.

#2. A tornado went through my house in the fall. Taking the roof off, blowing the windows to shreds, and there's debris everywhere. I need to remember that it will take time to rebuild the disaster that struck. So far, Joe and I have been spending time on our marriage, prayerfully repairing foundations in that area.

#3. I need to recognize the good that has not been stripped away. Even through the storm, I am still running faithfully and have even begun to run in the mornings! I have still not thrown up my food or gone back to my eating disorder in order to cope. I am allowing God to go into the deep areas of my heart, even though I'm crazy scared of the pain that will and DOES come out. I am grieving in healthy ways and am learning to lean on God in ways I never knew were possible.

#4. It's time to work on the daily routine. Time to allow God to once again fill me with faith that "I CAN DO THIS" I've been fighting lies that "you're a failure, you can't do this, your kids would be so better off in school....." "you'll never accomplish anything in life, you'll never be anybody..."

I know God is bringing healing, because even just writing out those lies, I know they are so not true! God brought me this far....against all these odds.....why wouldn't he bring me all the way through????

Do you have any idea how many odds we've beaten??? Someday, I'll write a book.....I will....

Caution! REAL HEART EXPOSED!

This long and winding road is so bittersweet.

I am SO thankful that I have my God.....that's my first thought. When the dust settles, deep down in my heart and spirit, God's peace carries me. Through it all. He is faithful, even tho I am not, even tho others are not, even tho I get scared, angry, sad and hurt.....He never leaves me.....

There is never a dull moment these days in this house. After Joe left and our world fell apart, God mercifully and graciously rescued us and is restoring, rebuilding, and redeeming our pasts.....

I love my blog, sometimes I want to come here and rant and rave, but then I end up speaking the truths of God and walk away encouraged and full of faith. My sister yesterday said, "there's nothing that tastes better than healthy feels" Both my sis and I grew up on junk food and became serious binge and carb eaters! For her to say that statement is a testimony that God can completely destroy something bad and rebuild it into something good. I too can say that phrase and really really mean it!

This is what's happening in my life in SO MANY levels. I am learning through EXTREME trial and EXTREME heartache what is means to CLING to the Lord with my fingernails. I told my sister the other day that back in October, when I look back to the tornado that ripped through our home and my heart, I pictured myself as this burn victim. The ones you see in movies where all you see is a slit for their eyes, becuase every inch of their skin was melted off. Now imagine taking that bandage off! You'd see a human being looking like raw hamburger! THAT WAS ME!

Through time, God...not Joe, not food, not any other human being or thing on this planet......is healing me. There are times when he will remove dirty bandages and I feel exposed....
He will pour anticiptic on my wounds which will sting.....
He will put fresh new, clean bandages on which makes me feel cared for and brings me comfort....
He will sit at my bedside as I hurt and cry with me....or read to me.....or just be there......
In some strange way, I am thankful for this trial becuase without, I would never know my God the way I do now.
I am thankful for the shaking that He does. I am thankful that He cares more for our salvation than our comfort.
I am thankful that His promises never fail.....

He truly is able, and I'm not just being cliche. It really is true. If you knew what we just went through.....you'd believe me......

The true measure of a woman pt 2

A part of Lisa's book which speaks my heart so much that I wanted to share in her words, yet it's from my heart as well!! She just says it so hitting the nail!

" I will share very openly and honestly. Pretense and appearances are void of power and cannot help anyone. Teachings without the practical knowledge of how to apply them do nothing but weighs us down.

Therefore, I commit to hide nothing from you that I feel might help you. You will have the advantage of gleaning from my foolishness, mishaps, and mistakes.

In return, I ask that you dare to do the same. Dare to be open and honest with yourself. What we hide eventually ensnares and imprisons us. It grows strongest in the shadows of shame and condemnation.

The gospel that empowers us as we live here and now, and its truth will invade every area where we allow Christ to impact us and change our lives.

We must summon the courage as individuals and step out from behind the facades where we have hidden ourselves.

Even in the church, some act as thought they never really needed a Savior. The truth is, we all have sinned and fallen short. Our closets are cluttered and full. Some like it that way. They like the feel of all that clutter. They feel safe holding on to the past. They will tell you they don't have room for any more, because their closets are already bursting at the seams, and they will insist that they already know everything they need to know. They are satisfied with what they have."

Well, I'm not satisfied! I'm tired of my will, and my way! I'm tired of reaping the fruit when I conform to the pattern of this world! I'm tired and restless of relying on half truths (which are lies disguised) , on relying on just getting by. I'm ready to declutter.....as terrifying as this is! To declutter is to toss out comfortable clothes that are well worn and broken in, but is the wrong cloak! For me, it's shame, specific thought patterns, holding on to the past, and methods of control.

I'm very cluttered. I desperately need God's point of view. Not a glimspe, or a glimmer......I won't be satisfied with that....I want the whole meal deal......

The true measure of a woman

Time to journey down the path in pursuit of truth. What is the true measure of a woman?
I've written down my thoughts in my journal last night and this morning. Not going to reveal it yet...but I just wanted to share the path I'm on.

Asking hard questions, opening up my heart in a very very vulnerable way. Scared of the pain, yet I know that its' now or never. I have to keep going. There's no other way.

Last night I caught a glimpse into God's heart for me, and into some truth. As my heart slowly surrendered to God's tenderness and trusting that He would take care of me, I painfully released more lies and accepted more truth. Renewing your mind actually is quite hard.

God led me to my next book, "The true measure of a woman" by Lisa Bevere. I LOVE how the spirit uses her to speak God's heart!

I'll share more as I walk down this path. If you want to share what you think a measure of a woman is...please...let's share together!

Reconciliation

God.....
perfect
Holy
Majestic
righteous
THe very representation of love

Man.....
Wicked
Selfish
unholy
condemned

God, became the form of a man, took punishment for nothing. Died on a cross! Died while I was still being a shmuck!! He hung there, with no sin, and took my sin...ALL OF IT...even the sins I haven't even done yet....

Just so that we could be reconciled.....together.....have intimate relationship.....

So I will respond to God's unconditional love by forgiving others. There was no sin too great for Christ to die for, so it will be with me. He died for murders, prostitutes, rapists, even....child molesters!

How can we grasp this kind of love? There is no one righteous, not even one.

We all need the cross..... God, I choose to forgive. Day after day. You've commanded us this for our own freedom, for the reconciliation of us to you, from us to others. For unity, for peace. Forgiveness is the only way. To bear the pain. To lay our rights aside. To loose our life so we can gain it......

I pray for all my friends, family to remember this holiday season that Jesus came all the way to this sinful planet as a mere man, for reconciliation.....What greater news is there to share?

An experpt from Lisa Bevere's book "out of control and loving it"

Unfortunately, many a Christian is busy laboring to appear to be someone of substance and accomplishment. This leaves the person feeling void and fearful. Appearances are very laborious to maintain. Any strength they yield is expended in their constant protection.

Appearances drain us of the energy we need to change. Appearance by definition means "presentation, air, bearing, semblance, or demeanor." In contrast, Substance is defined as "the essence, matter, element, or material."

This definition suggests the very life or truth of an issue, person, or thing. What it is made of, not merely what it is cloaked in.

The truth is not ashamed; it is open and rides the winds of principles that supersede time. Appearances merely cover over the outward and gain their strength through deception. Time is the captor of appearance, and ultimately time exposes and destroys it. God's ways are higher than our own. His truth and principles live on. The truth always outlives a lie.

Chew on THAT for a while....I know I have!

joe's blog

shame

As God continues to lead me through becoming whole, He shows me bits at a time. As much as I can chew.

I was visiting with an awesome friend and spiritual mom the other night. I went there broken after a day of battling fears, thoughts and felt all beat up from fighting the good fight. As we talked about self image, body image, self worth....God dropped more of the path I need to walk right in front of me. My eyes were opened to a cloak that I wear. Shame.

As God peels back the layers of pain, hurt and protective walls, He is making clear all the lies I've agreed with all my life. I'm still walking this, I'm right in the thick, so this may sound that clear. It's not that clear to me yet. But God is faithful to carry this work out to it's end. My sister/friend and I recognized that our wound was rooted in the same shame, but took on different symptoms. For her, she gets busy. She does and does and does. She tries to find her worth in who she helps, how committed she is to serving and doing doing doing. It was clear to see why it took on this face. She was the oldest of many siblings. The enemy used that door to attack her self worth. She was vulnerable there. To this day, she too wants to be free from the shame that she feels deep down.

For me, I was vulnerable in my body image. I was exposed to porn and sexual abuse in grade school. By the time I met Joe at 16, I had come to believe the lie that I was worth something if I was sexy, skinny and available for males. If guys desired me sexually, then I was worth something. I allowed myself to agree with the lie that I was only worth a body. My personality, sense of humor, interests weren't important to them, so therefore, it didn't matter.

I was telling Joe last night, as I'm discovering this that I don't even know what my passions are. What ARE my interests? What makes me me? I won't find out for real until this damaging cloak comes off. I'm very excited to imagine what I will be like free from shame. I can sense God will be showing how to battle this on a spiritual level. It's His battle, I just have to walk in what Jesus did for me.

God also showed me that all these years, I've been fighting for freedom, but in MY strength and flesh. I think of two big examples of this: becoming a runner, and a homeschooling mom... I have been restless for many many years. Wanting to break free from the lies that say, "you won't do ANYTHING with your life, it's pointless" So in frustration and pride, I've pressed through my fears of failing in becoming a runner and being a homeschool mom. But it's only taken me so far. I'm left empty on the other end.

Don't hear me say that God didn't do ANYTHING through running and homeschooling....HE HAS....but he's going deeper.....He has taught me many things through these two battles. Perseverance and running back to the cross again and again.

My freedom from bulimia was a huge time of learning. It was faith mixed with works. It was BELIEVING the truth in action. I know that I overcame bulimia by waring with the right weapons. God showed me a huge victory in putting one foot in front of the other BASED ON TRUTH. Walking on truth with each step, led to my freedom. Of course, I am so humbled when I think that his timing was to deal with this in preparation for our hard times now.

He is so good. So merciful....