Sarah.....writes poetry??

Pain pain, go away
come again another day
and put you off for one more day
you will only be twice as gray

But I can feel you inside my soul
in a bubbling, pushing, stiiring role
wanting out, and wanting free
but you can't seem to get past me

Self protection, self reliance
I stand walled up in defiance
hoping you'll just go away
never come again any other day

But deep down I know
you'll stay inside
until I face this ugly ride

Do I have faith, do I have courage
to stand and even jump off this ledge
and into what? Where would I fall?
I only feel 3 inches tall

Heck I'm writing poetry?!
I guess I'm desperate to be free
Trying something new
to ease my pain
anything to clean this stain

I can see a small glimpse of why this pain
so many others need His name
if God can redeem this awful stain
then walk with others
and together regain

what has been ripped from our hands
our souls, our hearts
and it feels like all our body parts
have been blown to bits
without a care
but God is here and has always been there

So God, if your listening
I need to face this pain somehow
but there's no way I can do it on my own
is this where your glory is shown????

Only time will tell

found some old pics of me

I am a total geek

k, this post is not so you can call me a geek all the more, but I do want to share my geekiness with you...... :P (nin....I'm talking to you)

last night I watched x-weighted, my favorite show with my fav personal trainer Mr. Paul Plakas. He challenged this girl to an indoor mini triathlon.
He said that a healthy and fit person should be able to this triathlon in less than 45 minutes.
1. 1.5 mile(not km) run
2. 2500 meter row
3. 150 calorie burn on the bike.

So like the geek that I am, I grabbed Joe's cell phone to enter in the numbers so I won't forget them.
Joe: Who are you calling?
me (sheepishly): I'm writing down this trialthon
Joe: Why.......? Are you going to do this?
Me: (laughing all like a geek.....but yet super excited to try this out) ......yes......

So this morning......
Joe: how was your sleep?
me: Long and hard
Joe: why did you have heartburn again?
me: no, I spent all night dreaming of doing the indoor triathlon!!
Joe (laughing at me): You must be EXHAUSTED!

what's the waldherr's been doing?

Right now, Joe and Isaiah are out buying a bike. This year, we have gotten all new bikes. When they get home, we are off to bike the bridges as a family.

with the two younglings in the trailer, and the older two biking along with us....looking forward to it

Shannon and Doug finished building our shed last week. Joe and I painted it together last weekend. Joe's been putting up shelves in our spacious 10x14 little house!

organizing the laundry room, going through every box....found my old yellowed "wedding dress".....can't wait to get a NEW ONE!

our lawn is still brown, and for those of you that know me, would know that's a BIG THING! My lawn is always the first to be green! Goes to show you where my priorites are.

did another 9km run yesterday. pretty sore today. ran around the confedo ghetto. maybe I'll be running my first marathon BEFORE I'm 40! My dad says that I'll be doing a half marathon within the year....we'll see....

picking out our new kitchen! we are getting new dishwasher, new countertops, new lino, new sink, new faucet, and painting our doors! whoot whoot!

The sun is shining for me today

I am thankful right now. For my friends and family.
Joe, you are exactly the man I need....I love you

Nin, what can I say, my sis that knows me so well. I love our relationship....with boundries! It's freeing and such a blessing to be tied together properly. Thank you for being there to just laugh with me. You are a joy. I love how we can laugh at the most ridiculous things this life throws at us and we can laugh at ourselves and others!!

Morgan, my faithful friend. You are never afraid to speak your mind. I love how you have so much wisdom to share with me. I love how you pour into me without hesitation...God bless you and re-fill you up when you need it!

Llo, who shared the most painful moment of my life. Who knows me and still loves me

My kids who have so much grace and forgiveness for me in this time. God love on them in ways I can't

My spiritual mothers who faithfully pray for me. You know who you are!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Crystal, who walks with me through the pain. who asks who I am and doesn't give up on me, even tho I can disappear into a black cloud for weeks. Thank you for being persistant.

Tanya. Someone that obviously has the spirit of God on her life. She pours from a place that only God can fill. Thank you for everything!!

Holly. Someone who knows me so well. Sometimes better than myself! She is loyal beyond loyal. I know she'll always always be there for me. LOVE YOU

Laurie. Who has been sharing with me my food journey, keeping me on track and inspiring me to keep going! Who prays for me and listens...

I know there are so many others in my life that bless me beyond what I could have asked. Lynn, Steph, my dad, mom, my mother inlaw, sis in law, olga, shannon, rachel, kevin, terry....

Thank you God for all the support!

??? what the hell

walls going up.
self protection is a scary thing....
i have nothing to give.
Hope? what's that?
As I sit here eating chocolate almonds hoping to numb the pain inside...nothing helps.
will i get better?
will i find myself?

i am losing myself......each day......
getting farther and farther away....from.....I don't even know what.....
tired of the facade.
tired of smiling...
i'm not okay.....

on the way home

song on the radio...cried all the way home.... here are the words....

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

for some fun

TV or no TV?

I am thankful that God has been answering my prayers for direction. For once in my life, i am going to learn something WITHOUT swinging the pendulum! I am excited.

This morning, I had just the most amazing workout! When I workout in the morning without eating first, I usually struggle through it. Knowing that the calories burned first thing in the AM are coming right off my body and not off everything I ate all day helps me push through it.

I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical and then jumped on the tread for another 15 on running, running hard the last 4 minutes. When I go to the gym, all the equipment has T.V.'s and I usually watch a show while I run. But I was talking to a friend and telling her about how my workouts at home are so much more filled with worship. I realized that it was because I don't watch TV at home. I stare at one spot on the wall and soak in the worship music I listen to. So today, I turned off the T.V. at the gym and just spent that 30 minutes just talkin with God which was SO refreshing......

I hate it when I "run away" (no pun intended) and just fill my head with noise. I feel so empty. I just pray that I will have the endurance to run this race with excellence.

The biggest loser

I watch that show faithfully every Tuesday night. Of course, last night, I cried....again.

I can relate to them! So I was never over 210 pounds, but I know what it's like to feel trapped in a big unhealthy body that can barely move. I know what it feels like to know that food controls your life. I know what it's like to feel chained to the fridge and the toilet. I lived with bulimia for 18 years!

Last night Kristin went home. She was eliminated. (sorry to all who haven't watched it on their PVR yet) The show will always follow them home and show you how they are doing after leaving the biggest loser campus. 2 months after she left, Kristin was still going strong, losing more weight and staying on track. But more than that......she was helping others. She was using her story to speak to other women who felt trapped in their overwhelming feeling of never succeeding. They showed Kristin in a conference room full of ladies, listening to her tell them to believe! if she could do it, so could they! You could see the impact on their faces as Kristin shared her testimony.

This year has not been an easy one for us. For me. 7 months later, I'm still trying to find who I am. I went shopping with my sister the other day and found a rainbow scarf. I loved it at first sight! But it was an ODD moment. The reason it was an odd moment for me is because I actually had a PIECE of me COME OUT.....shine through. I LIKE THIS SCARF.....ME......I LIKE IT......THIS IS SOMETHING I LIKE.............

This might make no sense to anyone, but to me, I feel like I'm really building from the ground up. When I was watching Kristin last night, I was reminded of WHY I started my journey 4 years ago......to loose weight and get healthy.......
To help others. To walk with others. To inspire others. To teach others. To show God's goodness and faithfulness.
Somewhere in my woundedness, I am in my own little world of diet and exercise. Fueled by low self esteem and a drive to be a perfect 10 body, I'm WAY off track. I'm lost. I've been wrestling this for a while. Wondering what the answer is?
Do I just quit everything? Swing the pendulum WAY to the other side in hopes that I'll find the balance? Do I stop my physical activity completely?
So far, I've thought that I should FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE....STOP SWINGING THE PENDULUM to extremes and carry on and seek God in the process.

Anyway, this is again, real and gross.
Where I'm at.
I've ate like SH#T all week and I'm suppose to run my first 10 km today with Megan. Everything in me wants to cancel. There's something telling me to keep going.
God.........
Father.......
Come, make the places in my soul right.......

sad today
wanna be real with who i am
where im at
but who am i
will i heal?
will God fill all those places that feel so raw?
will I get better?
do i play a victim?
never been so lost
which i know deep down is god's plan
im so lost so i can be found
but i want to be found right now

Thankful books/movies/tv shows

Books:

156. Every woman's marriage
157. Every woman's battle
158. The bible
160. Captivating
161. The true measure of a woman
162. Out of control and loving it.
163. Calvin and Hobbs

Movies:

164. Yes man
165. Adventures in babysitting
166. School of rock
167. Liar Liar
168. Signs
169. Family man
170. Sweet home alabama

TV shows:

171. The biggest loser
172. X-weighted
173. Last 10 pounds bootcamp
174. Till debt do us part

Thank you God for...(155)

139. Being able to walk to mac's with my girls and buy them a bunch of sugar goodness
140. giving me the strength to bypass all temptations and buy sugar free gum
141. BBQ season
142. healing my body from the virus that was trying to attack it
143. finding me a new bike for the summer!
144. finding Noah a cool BMX bike for only 40 bucks!
145. Green tea and green grapes
146. My sister, who is an amazing person, with qualities that show me what REAL BEAUTY IS.
147. That she's making her first turkey that I could smell from outside her house YUMMERS
148. For my bro in law that will hopefully sacrifice a run or two this summer so that I can work on my speed
149. For my mom who gives and gives and gives
150. my father figure who is still smoke free 3 months this wed!!!
151. my inlaws that I'm excited to see tomorrow for Easter!
152. uncle Rod and auntie Joan who have moved back to toon town!! WELCOME HOME!
153. the never ending hope that you supply in our driest times
154. your death and resurection that provides EVERYTHING WE NEED
155. I thank you for this daily, and will again....for saving, rescuing my marriage. Not just to survive, but saving it for your plans. Thank you for saving our family from what half of the world faces everyday......

Thankful list con't from FOREVER AGO.

I wanted to follow flowerlady's heart in finding 1000 blessings and sharing them my blog. I've been reminded of that today and want to continue my list

132. I am desired
133. I am pursued
134. I am worth God's son
135. I don't have to perform to earn God's love
136. I am accepted
137. I am valuable
138. God redeems everything

How do I blog?

I've written several posts, only to delete them or save them. I want to be real, but yet not have the whole world feast on my deepest most intimate thoughts.....

So I'll leave you with this:

I'm struggling. my sister nin has a song on her blog that speaks very well how I'm doing. You could go there and listen to the song. I love how real it is.

I want to be totally honest with my readers, but there are things in my heart and in my life that are just not meant to be shared right now. Which is hard for me.

Fear is my biggest enemy right now.
i'm tired of it in my life. I'm searching for the redemption that Jesus gives. Healing and restoration.
i wish i could be light and fluffy....just not there. just can't do it.....

Am I going to fall or forever hang over this cliff?

Moving on....

Although this will have the same type of thread from the last post.
God wants us to know His love. We throw that around all the time. To me, I'm actually getting tired of words. I'm sick of hearing words that center around love. It irritates me. I think it's because I really don't know what it means. I know in my head all these things, I've been asking God for them too, and I know He hears me and will answer, but I'm so broken inside. I don't know how to heal. I'm not dumb, I know I can't force healing, it will come in it's time.....but still.....

I feel like I'm hanging over a cliff but I'm not falling. Just hanging there suspended in mid air knowing that I am going to fall, that I need to fall, that I will fall eventually (surrender and fall into my Daddy God arns).....but what's the hold up?
Hurt, fear, pain.....more hurt, fear and more pain.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads. Like this could go 2 ways. I could get bitter and have my life deeply rooted in fear and insecurity. Or I could heal, love freely and walk right into my destiny. I just don't know how......
I know that my God has the power to redeem me, heal me. I do believe (speaking with my eyes of faith and choosing to speak apart from fear) that I will someday be an incredible woman equipped to help other hurting women.....of course, that's easily "said" (again with words I'm tired of hearing) but how how how how how do I get there?

My worth. Being on a deliberate chosen journey of stripping myself of some comforts, I am realizing where my worth lies. I feel like I'm on some kind of operating table with all my organs exposed. I have been crying somedays, non stop. Understand that this crying is a good thing. It's all part of releasing poison deep inside. But it's really catching me off guard.

I know I have many spiritual mothers out there that are so faithful in praying for me. I am so grateful for them, cause I know they've got my back. Please pray that I can truly forgive. I don't know how on my own strength.....

Divorce, separation, heartache......

I've been thinking alot about divorce and separation in the last 6 months. Being that my family almost broke apart and I had a taste of heartbreak and abandonment, my eyes are opened to so many things.

I've been amazed at how divorce and separation are EVERYWHERE!! EVERYWHERE PEOPLE! Before Joe left me in the fall, I would have to say that I lived in a "happily ever after" bubble. My marriage would never crumble and it was normal to see relationships broken around me. But it would never happen to me! After all, we said "I do, till death parts us"

How are we coping as a society, as a church, as mankind to deal with all this divorce? I'd have to say, NOT VERY WELL. Everywhere I go, there's a woman, heart broken from separation.

At Faith's ballet this morning, a mom on her cell phone, "So I guess I'm taking her to skating? It's your weekend!" Then addresses her 3 year old daughter, "Sorry honey, you can't see your dad today, I will take you to his house tomorrow"

Last year I watched mom from Isaiah's ballet class go through a divorce. Now a year later, her face has no life, no joy, and walls built so thick around her....it grieves me.

When Joe left me, My chest literally hurt. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt. Childbirth was a breeze! I'd do 48 hours of labor any day, over going through separation!
How does society deal with it? We are so empty as mankind! Just turn on your radio and all you will hear are songs that are trying to cope and deal with the rejection, the abandonment, the hurt, the betrayal of adultery.....

Women and men are made different. God designed us with different desires. Women long to be the beauty of a story. They long for a prince that will fight for her to the death. Men long to be a warrior. It's in their blueprints to have a woman to fight for, to be that valiant knight in a story, rescuing a princess in a castle. Movies everywhere captivate this. LOTR have influencial princesses and strong men that are honorable and courageous. Braveheart, saving private ryan, even maid in manhattan is a story of Cinderella. It's in our core, in our beings.

Men and woman that don't have that moral compass inside (God) don't have the ability to love another properly. Their love becomes toxic. If you compare the men and women popular artists, you will be able to hear the poison, the ways of coping, the toxic love that comes into their lyrics.

Our world is empty and filling their voids with ways to survive all the heartache. Songs by women sing of using their bodies as leverage over men to recieve toxic love. Toxic is better than nothing. Men sing about power and control and about worshipping the body of a woman. It's such a game. And mankind knows how the game is played.

Lady gaga sings a song called "Love game" and it literally talks about how the game is played. "Pokerface" is another example of the manipulation and mindgames that are played out there. She says, "I'll get him hot, show him what I've got" but all the while keeping a pokerface cause she's holding all the cards.
Britney Spears actually has a song called "Toxic" that's pretty sick. Most of her music centers around playing the game. "womanizer, Radar and Break the Ice" to name a few. "Circus" talks about her being the center of attention, having all the power and control. She says,"I run a tight ship, so beware"
The men willingly play into it in their songs fully admitting that they have no control over their lust. Justin Timberlake sings "Love Stoned" which says, "she's got me loved stoned, she's bad and I think that she knows.....she' might be coming home with me tonight" His songs like "Rock you body, Sexy Back, Senorita" His lyrics are full of that game. You give me your body, I'll give you this fake, toxic love to tie you over to the next "fix".
I think that this Rihanna/Chris Brown is totally sad. Even in Hollywood, with all that money/power/sex, she will still put up with physical abuse in her relatinships.
The male rappers are particularly bad, taking it to the next level. Degrading women, literally calling them vulgar names and saying they are only worth their bodies. Eminem, 50 cent, Dr. Dre rap about power, money, and getting high as a way of coping of the big gapping hole in their hearts.
Sadly, I'd have to say that last year, I was listening to all this crap. My hubby also went through a phase of empty music that lead us both down very dangerous and sinful paths. This music encourages infidelity, flirting and feeding a part of our flesh that doesn't need any extra watering. The part of us that should have been crucified with Christ!

I'm careful to pick my music now. It's interesting that there are some songs that sing of this "love story" that is truly meant to be a picture of God and his bride. It's so natural for us to sing of that love story of being pursued and having someone to trust and never let us down. I have many secular songs that sing of the love story that I worship to. You can very easily sing to God instead of a boyfriend or girlfriend. Untouched, by the Veronicas is a good example. No Air by Jordin Sparks is another good one.

I will rant more on this later. So many thoughts on this

some pics of this and that

Me and my loverly sis after our first swim with the older ones in school!

Down the "wee!"


My new favorite meal! Veggies galore and sauteed shrimp
My all time favorite thing...getting a kiss from Joe
Me and Faith did facial masks today! how fun!
She had cherry and I had lavender

My top 11 workout songs

1. Jai Ho! A.R. Rahman and the pussycat dolls

2. Beautiful U R by Deborah Cox

3. Circus by Britney Spears

4. Rehab by Rihanna

5. Untouched by The Veronica's

6. You're gonna make it by KJ 52

7. For the moments I feel faint by Relient K

8. Sing to me by The Pinel Family

9. Die another day by Madonna

10. You by Britt Nicole

11. Love is a battlefield by Pat Benatar

My new running song

I think it's very cool when God speaks through secular music. I recently bought this song after hearing it on the radio. This song features the pussycat dolls (which is not a very wholesome band to say the least!)......But this song will get my crying in the gym from the worship that pours from my heart. It's called Jai Ho! Some of the song, God is singing to me and then me singing to him.

I got fever
Running like a fire,
For you I will go all the way,
I wanna take you higher
I keep it steady steady,
That's how I feel it.
This beat is heavy so heavy
You gonna feel it.

You are the reason that I breathe
You are the reason that I still believe
You are my destiny,
Jai Ho! Uh-uh-uh-oh!
No there is nothing that can stop us
Nothing can ever come between us
So come and dance with me,

Catch me, catch me, catch me, c'mon, catch me,
I want you now,
I know you can save me, come and save me,
I need you now.

I am yours forever, yes, forever,
I will follow,
Anywhere in anyway,
Never gonna let go.

Escape away
I'll take you to a place,
This fantasy of you and me,
I'll never lose my chance.

I can feel you
Rushing through my veins,
There's an notion in my heart,
I will never be the same.

Just keep it burnin', yeah
Just keep it comin',
You're gonna find out
I'm one in a million.

Catch me, catch me, catch me, c'mon, catch me,
I want you now,
I know you can save me, come and save me,
I need you now.

I need you,
Gonna make it
I'm ready,
So take it!