My night last night!!!

Last night, I'm feeding my baby.
Faith is in my bed and the other two are playing quietly in Noah's room.
All is well
I'm enjoying some quiet time for myself, soaking in my lovely new basement atmosphere.
I get to watch Dr. Phil that I've recorded earlier in the day
My 15$ on sale fountain is trickling in the background
My mood lights are turned down to just the right mood..........


All of a sudden, this shiny figure that resembles my 2 year old daughter comes out into the living room.
She stands there quietly, waiting for a verdict.....

In shock....I stand to my feet put my hands over my mouth and stare and what lies infront of me...

My 2 year old, COVERED in what looks like to be at least a half a cup of vaseline!!!!!!
Her hair is standing in a mohawk. Her eye lashes are gooped with beads of it.
Her hands and arms are covered
her face is shining like the sun.

I start to laugh

Then cry.....
and laugh....
faith had no idea what mom was going to do.....

I pray for strength, breathe in nice deep breaths, and gently lift her and put her in to my tub, so I can investigate the rest of this crime scene.

In my room, my pillow, my bed, my bed skirt, my comforter, my quilt....are all COVERED in grease!
My books on my bedside, my dresser, and some of the wall.........

This is when I loose it
Call joe at work, tell him it's an emergency....COME HOME NOW!!! Baby is crying, faith is still waiting in the tub.
call my sis...no answer
my mom....no answer.....

AGHHHHHH

half an hour later, Joe is home, Faith is bathed (3 washes with dish soap and she's still greasy)
And baby is happy.

Final verdict

One bedset in the garbage
One mom who will never EVER leave vaseline (or maybe ever even buy it!) out again!!
One greasy kid
A half hour of work time that Joe needs to make up
A lot of prayers gone up to our Father for help and grace
An answered prayer,
us all coming out alive and a promise that His mercies are new every morning!

Super funny!! Go to my hubby's blog, I was just there, we typed the same thing without realizing it!
only my story was told better...wouldn't you think????

believe

Acts 20:29

The work of God is this: To BELIEVE in the One He sent

Believe....what is the meaning? How does this apply? How do we walk out a life of faith and believing in the One He has sent?

Our pastor spoke on this on sunday, which has echoed what God and I have been working through...
I looked up the word believe in the dictionary and it says this:
-to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so:

-Only if one believes in something can one act purposefully.

I SO BADLY want to walk this, model this!! I desire for my Father to see I believe Him, believe IN Him....but sadly, my actions continue to model otherwise.
It seems this root is deep and very hard to uproot. My doubt...

again.....I have to BELIEVE that He will complete the work He started
I have to BELIEVE that He is doing a new thing, springing life up from the desert
I have to BELIEVE that He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world
BELIEVE that I will do even greater things than Jesus!
That I have the way, the truth and the life......IN ME!!!

I need to BELIEVE that if I persevere, I will bear fruit.
We sang a song on Sunday, "For the work that God is doing within me, that I cannot see.....AMEN"

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.

Joe and I talked a bit today about how I'm doing,
I have 4 kids, and I continue to struggle with feeling inadequate, like I can't keep my head above water, like I'm failing. I run to him, I am calling to Him and I know he's there. I couldn't imagine going through this feeling disconnected from Him. I know and BELIEVE that He is there for me, no matter where I'm at, or how bad I'm doing. I cry out for His grace, His power....I don't know how many times I've said, "I can't do this, you need to help me!! God I know you can help me, give me your heart, your patience, wisdom, grace to get through this" It just seems like I'm going from moment to moment crying all the time!!! Does this get any easier? Is my faith and belief actually growing? Am I really getting stronger???
I would have to say, that I don't feel like I am.
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels.
Is there something I am missing?
Being a stay at home homeschooling mom is so hard right now.
Faith whines alot these days
baby wants to eat
isaiah's papers and markers and scissors all over and Noah being Noah!!

At the kid's piano recital last night, Noah was bouncing off the walls (of course the large strawberry milkshake that my mom bought him last night didn't help!)
and he got an envelope of money as a reward for practicing (which wasn't much) and he complained about it. so out of overwhelmingness, and frustration, I took his quarter away.
my sis laughed at me, rightfully so. It wasn't helping the situation. I just get so drained.


Any wisdom? encouragement? Prayers?

ok, so real quick....

while i have 2 minutes....well i don't really have 2 minutes, but I'm just gonna post those pics really quick....
I wanted to follow up on the last post how child #1, 3 and 5 are alike and how child #2 and 4 are alike....
you saw the striking similarities in the 1,3 and 5
here is noah and faith....maybe #6 will look like them too!!!......................HAHA not in your life!!

Noah was also born in the age of those camera's that have film....Joe still hasn't scanned his baby baby pics which would be better, but these are all i have....for now.


noah in his favorite blue's clue's pj's
This is faith about a year ago....I have one of Noah in this same chair and you can't tell them apart!...but it's the "old school" pic that's not on the computer yet....
Faith and Isaiah...
You can tell who is who...
Faith at 5 months. A little noah
my noah.....eating celery and raisins
Noah.....a little faith
faith....a little noah
Noah greeting caleb after school.....still missing him. feels empty today without him.....
my mr.caleb man.

All my kids look alike!

This one isn't a very good one of Elishah, but, we need to take more pics of her. This doesn't really capture what she looks like, but it's all I had for now.
This is Isaiah as a baby. This is exactly what Elishah looks like! I can't believe how they are twins
When Elishah is sleeping, she looks like this. But this is Isaiah. the only difference is that she had dark hair and Elishah has blonde hair
Isaiah and Caleb.
Caleb looks alot like the two girls. He had a funky hairdo from the nicu, and becuase he couldn't see that well, it's hard to compare cause the girls were able to see clearly, and hold up their heads and stuff. But Caleb is very much the same as the girls
This face captures Elishah's face at times. this is caleb
Caleb's little smirk. you can tell that the girls have his mouth! such a cute little mouth
i love this pic! it's a little caleb...but it's elishah
Elishah

Elishah.....

Noah and Isaiah, you really honestly can't even tell them apart....ill post those pics next time.

missing caleb

I miss my son today. I miss his smile, his scream, his little stinky hands.
I am sad that he hasn't met little Elishah. I am sad that they haven't shared any moments together.
As I looked through all the pictures of Caleb (the slide show that we showed at his funeral) I wept and wept, just to spend one more moment with him. just to jiggle him once more, one more cuddle, smell his stinky sewer breath....(family members would know what I'm talking about ;))
When Caleb was a baby, he was so happy, and loud. It brought back the feelings of that season. the love, the joy, the uniquness of loving caleb....I was filled with so much grief, sadness. just wanting him here, so that we could share our lives together, so he could be with us, part of our family.....
but honestly, as i got to the end of the slide show, I realized that Caleb needed to go home. The slide show was arranged in order from birth to 9 years. So I could see him get more and more tired. The pictures of him at the last few christmas's, he was so tired and almost sad. It was interesting to see how my heart went from sadness and pain and really wishing he were here...to having a peace that it really was his time and it was what was best for him. My tears kept coming, but changed the reason they were flowing.

from missing him, to being thankful. I could see the pain in his eyes, on his face.
I still miss him of course, but God reassured me that it was his time.

these are my thoughts today.

Caleb's van

Me and my little Elishah...she changes everyday right before our eyes. Eats ALL THE TIME! I'm glad to say that in the last couple of days, she's been quite content....as long as she has a boobie close by!!! We were diagnosed with thrush on Sunday which didn't help with her fussiness. She's looking around more, taking in the world around her.
I feel a little better. Joe and I did up a rough schedule, which is helping me cope.
People keep telling me that "it WILL get better..." And it is, slowly. everyday is alittle better.

Update on Caleb:
I went shopping on Saturday with Elishah at Superstore. As I was walking into the store, I saw a silver 2006 dogde caravan in a handicapped spot. A mom wheeled out her disabled child on a ramp. I was in shock, but had to know.
"exuse me.....when did you get your van??"
"December" she said.
We stood there silent for a moment. I didn't know what to say...knowing that this was Caleb's van! She actually started to cry! I started to cry and out of the entrance to the store, here I was hugging this total stranger, both of us crying....
It was very very hard to see this van. The last time I saw inside, it was mine! It was Caleb's gift to us.....
for those of you that don't know what I'm talking about. Click here to see pictures of the 20,000$ check presentation as well as the van in Oct before Caleb passed away.
Just so you know, the kinsmen phoned us in December to tell us that they had found a new family to give the van to.

It was healing as well. To physically meet the little girl and mom that got the van. It was nice to share that moment of grief with her. She was very sympathetic. Her little girl is on billboards right now if you keep you eye open for them. Telemiracle is advertising right now and the little girl that got Caleb's van, her name is Kaylie. The billboard reads, "kaylie's miracle....mobility"

Thanks to all who follow me on my journey! All of you really have no idea what you mean to me. Even though "blogland" seems unpersonal, I find I have come to really appreciate all of you. Even those that "pop up" and say that they've been reading my blog for a while. It's so encouraging to me. Thank you so much.....

Baby blues.....emotions.....post partum.....help!

My emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm so happy and the next, I'm overwhelmed and want to cry. I'm pretty good at knowing my hormones and letting Joe know how I'm doing. I give him the head's up when I'm feeling unstable. I say, "Joe, I'm probably going to cry for no reason today...." and I'm usually right. I have my cry and I go on. It's part of being an woman.

But I've been struggling since the baby. Joe says that my good days are more and my sad days are getting less, but I miss myself. The lack of sleep isn't helping. Elishah eats every 2 hours in the day and 3 at night. I've never had a baby eat so much. So when I DO have energy, I have to sit and feed and not get anything done around the house.

I'm really wrestling with stupid thoughts too. I feel like I'm not a good parent. Since Elishah, I've been so tired that I haven't spent any real quality time with the others. I feel real bad for that. They aren't doing school (even though I knew that they wouldn't be before baby came) I still feel yucky. I like order in my home. stucture. a plan, a schedule. All of us to so much better with order. Now the kids don't know what to do with their time, so they tend to get into more trouble. they make more messes and clean up less since there's no routine.

Today, I got up feeling positive. I want to have a good day. Of course that's what I want everyday. Caleb is always in the back of my heart and mind. This grieving thing is hard. especially when your running around with your head cut off.

I've come along way over the years with making sure that my emotions don't run my life. cause they certainly used to. Feelings always change and that's why you need to stand on facts in these times....I'm trying to find a balance between:
Recongnizing the feelings and what my body is doing and rolling with the punches of post partum
and commanding my soul to submit to what I tell it. Which is to walk in the fruit of the spirit.
I know that thankfulness is a choice
joy is a choice
respect is a choice
to follow God is a choice....
Please pray for me that I can level out and get back on my feet.
If any of you have some victorious baby blues stories, please share them. (where you had baby blues and came out of it alive!! lol)

go and see pics at my hubby's blog!

what a road.
what a journey
It's hard to believe where we've been in the last year.....

Now that the last "huge event" has passed, Joe and I have finally taken our first deep breath....
Today we've realized more than ever how much we need a break, a breather, a time to rest, a time to process, and time to be together....

After Caleb passed away, we still needed to
- get ready for a baby
-we still needed to finish the basement
-we still needed to catch up on our school work in our homeschool
-Joe still needed to go to a highly stressful job and come home to more chores.

Yesterday was 4 months since Caleb's death. And instead of being "almost done" our grieving, we find we now have some breathing room to begin. More so Joe than I. It must be hard being a man. A godly man. Joe has been more than enough for our family, providing for us, supporting us.....

Elishah is amazing. The family God has blessed me with is so amazing. Last night, I set the table for 5 people. Joe, me, Noah, Isaiah and Faith. I realized that in just a few months, Elishah will be joining us as well. I was filled with joy and thankfulness at the beauty of my family and then a second later, filled with sadness that my first born is not here to grow with us, to eat with us...
Elishah is such a bitter sweet. Mostly sweet of course.
Do you all know how she came to be???

Yes, I know....sex, that's how most of them come to be.... LOL

But A night in June 2006, Joe was already sleeping. God asked me to trust him and be with Joe. Of course, we weren't planning any children at the time, we weren't "trying" at the time and taking the necessary precautions to prevent children. But God said to me, "trust me"
TRUST ME, Do this without fear.
I wrestled with God for a good 10 minutes while Joe snored away. Bringing myself to a place of peace, I woke Joe up to be with him. He was a little shocked when I told him no protection, but I explained to him that it was a "God thing".
I cried after, knowing that I had been given life. Not out of fear, but joy and anticipation.

We found out we were pregnant so early, because of course, I already knew. I wasn't surprised.
My thoughts:
"5 kids.....wow. Thank you God." Joe and I embraced Elishah's pregnancy with much joy, knowing that God would be faithful.
Now that the year has unfolded. When little Elishah was 5 months old in my womb, My oldest son went to heaven. I held on to Caleb's hand as he died and felt life within my womb at the same time. Our God is to big and great for words. His ways are too lofty for us to understand. When I think that God planned Elishah to come for such a time as this, I am in awe at who He is.

These are my thoughts today.
Quote for the day:
Joy comes out of the abundance of a thankful heart

She's Here!!

Elishah Caleb was born 3pm February 24th, 2007 weighing in at 6lbs 7oz. Perfectly healthy and as cute as can be!!

I am posting for Sarah because I know you guys have been praying and are wondering what is going on. Sarah is doing very, very well for having a baby less than 48hrs ago. I am sure that as soon as she has some energy she will give you her own update but for now you can go to my blog for my shortened version and pictures.

Important baby update!! please read

Our little girl has been keeping us on our toes and she isn't even out of the womb yet! Before going to bed last night, I decided to check which way she was and her little head was up again!!!! She went breech a second time! I am now 39 weeks with 8 days to go. I spend alot of time with the Lord on this one, wanting to hear His heart in all this. This is what I feel He is saying...
That this is part of her destiny. That she is going to be a "boat rocker" someone that challenges people out of their comfort zones and draws them towards the Lord. Once you hear her name....you will also understand this confirmation!!!
The Lord wants me to cling to His unconditional love right now. Since I have nothing to stand on, He has so graciously placed me in a corner to give me an opportunity to lean on Him. Caleb's traumatic birth and life has many holes needing healing. God is using this to bring healing to both Joe and I, as painful as it is, we know He is pouring out love. But this is NOT EASY FOR US.
We went to the dr. today and she confirmed the breech position. Tomorrow we are going in to have another ECV (manual turning from the outside of the baby) and then once she is turned, they will induce me......cause no one trusts this little one to stay put!!!
Please pray as the Lord leads. Mostly for the peace of Christ to rule in our hearts and that protection will surround us.

our trip to the hotel, faith's 2nd birthday, and other pics

My 5 year old, washing dishes
Building forts in the kitchen....
The paniel was one of the first to arrive at faith's birthday!
Nin and chris in love as usual
Time to blow out the candles!
Opening a ton of gifts! this is me very pregnant, officially in 6 days I will have completed 9 full months of pregnancy!
Outside play
Faith can barely bend at the waist
At the sheraton hotel for our family christmas. my big lug of a nephew!! cutest thing ever. I ask god everyday for a baby as good as him!
My little fish....faith is the fishiest of them all!
Noah, being noah!
Time for a hot soak, sorry, no preggy pictures.

All mothers, need your labor stories!!!

I need to ask the ladies of their experiences with pre birth/labor.

I have never went into labor on my own. Becuase of what happened with caleb, the doctors always induced me early to insure that the same thing wouldn't happen again.
Caleb: emerg csection
Noah: 48 hours of labor 24 of really hard labor (almost csection) They induced me 10 days early
Isaiah: 18 hours of labor 6 really hard hours. induced 7 days early
Faith: induced 5 days early....basically showed up, pushed her out, went home....smiling and making lasagna.

I didn't experience Braxton Hicks contractions until Faith (#4)
This one, I've felt them since the 5th month.

This is my experience now....

I am 38 weeks. 14 days till I am due. And for the last week, I've really been experiencing some action down there.
2 days ago, my braxtons were 3 mintues apart for 2 hours! they never did get stronger and I finally fell asleep at 2 am, knowing that if it were real labor, the contractions would wake me up again.
Over the last week, she has been getting increasingly lower and lower, to the point of much pain and tonight, I was giving out little yelps becuase of the intense pressure and pain. I was sure she was pushing enough to break my water! that's how hard and low she is! I've never had this before. I know what it feels like to feel the baby move through the canal. this is what it feels like only a lesser degree of course. but the same sensation.

Has anyone had this happen?
Does this mean labor could be close?
Is my baby okay?
Please share your stories!

Praise report!

I had butterflies yesterday, as I went up to the assement ward at RUH. Emptied my bladder, just in case they had to do their own manipulating of the baby. They showed me into the room and there were 3 really nice doctors there. One on stand by for emergency, one in training and one in charge. They were all so good. Of course I've been in the birthing room with my sister and one of my friends a couple of times with a total of 8 births I've had and witnessed! So I knew on of them that delivered an old friend.
They all poked around to see if they could "out of their expertise" tell which was the head and which was the bum. They asked me if I thought I felt it turn on my own at some point. And I told them of my experience late Monday night:
Laying in bed, starting to contract, the baby took 10 minutes to turn, but that's when it all happened. it was the most intense movement! I said to Joe, "I think she just turned around!" I even phoned my sister at 11:15 pm and told her. But of course I had my doubts. I just wanted to prepare myself for the worst.
Two out of the 3 docs said she was still breech. They asked me, and I said she was head down. Well, I was right! She is ready to go, I'm SOOOOOOOOOO excited to birth this baby. bring it on! (complete with an epidural please!LOL)
We set up the crib yesterday, got some clothes ready, I'm feeling 100 times better! thank you so much for praying everyone.
Joe and I were sitting in admitting (by the main cafeteria) and feeling very odd. This was the first time that we were back at the hospital since Caleb's sickness and death. Staring at the main mall and glancing up at the 3rd floor where he last was......I started to talk to God.

You brought us here. To this very place.
We are pregnant because of You
The baby is breech because of You
we are pregnant AT THIS TIME becuase of You
Caleb's life ended at THAT TIME because of You
We are sitting here gazing into this hospital with these happenings, because of You.
What is the significance of the timing?
Why did you choose to have us bring death and life in a span of 4 months in this place?
I know you are not a God of chance.

I believe that as time unfolds, more of our small puzzle will be revealed. There is meaning in the timing of this baby and the death of our first born....

TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

k, that really gets my goat! I wasn't even given a choice to switch to new blogger, they just MADE me do it! I couldn't log in without switching. that's just dumb. not to mention that I have my hubby's profile!! stupid

anyway, these are my thoughts and feelings today....it's a little depressing, but that's just what they are.

I am super tired all of a sudden. the last couple of weeks, I've just been slowing down like a wind up toy that's losing it's juice. I look around at all that needs to get done and know my energy levels, and wonder how it will get done. I push myself to the limits most days, laundry, school (as much as I can mentally take right now), cooking, cleaning, all the appointments, the reno's are mostly done, but there's all these rooms not in order. It's like half of our family has moved and the closets aren't built so I can't put things away....

The baby's room got a first coat of paint this morning. Faith somehow got into the room, into the wet paint tray and got paint all over the carpet!! it's yellow paint and dark berber!!! Have a crib, not set up, have clothes, not washed, have no dresser for the clothes.

This is where I wonder, how will I ever handle 4 active children! I'm so tired, I can barely handle the ones I have! It's funny, I've had 4 before. I was GOING to have 5!! One of them handicapped. Maybe God knew my limit. I hate feeling like this because I know in my head that this tiredness is just a season, but when I can't get through my days barely, I just think I won't be able to raise 4 spiritually healthy children...

I know I should cut myself some slack, but I just wish I could get done what needs to get done. I feel bad for Joe, he does everything! He goes to work, comes home and works every spare minute on things I can't do. He's so good. He's so good to me. I try to be faithful at the laundry, meals and basic tidyness, with the help of my other kids (and they are a great help...i really couldn't do it without them!) but I can't go beyond that. Today, Joe went to work without gitch on!! That has never happened! He had no clean underwear! Poor guy. I think I've done so well with the laundry in the last few years. It all gets folded and put away usually mostly on the same day. I'm talking like 6 or 7 loads! (I like to do it less often and more of it than less of it, more often)

everywhere I look, there is mess, stuff to be put away, stuff to be organized, books to read, things to plan, all in the midst of trying to spend quality time with my kids, teach them patience, self control, discipline, diligence, maturity, respect....all the while, I feel I'm struggling in these areas right now. I take raising them right VERY VERY SERIOUSLY. and when I'm not on top of teaching them, training them, I feel so out of order, yucky.

This really is a rant post. sorry guys.
I'm sure I'll cheer up soon. Maybe after tomorrow, when I know what's going on with the baby. Tomorrow is the scheduled ECV. Please pray as the Lords leads. Mostly for peace for Joe and I.....okay, okay, peace for mostly me! LOL

Thanks for listening to my rant

My journey with FEAR

So much fear....hidden.....I didn't see it....till the faithful God whom I serve loves me so much that He wanted to heal me!

Last Friday: Our family spends "christmas at the hotel" every year. We waterslide all day and eat good food. It's been a family tradition for about 5 or 6 years now.
Struggle: Caleb was missing this year. I packed up my kids and suitcases without my oldest son there. Spent the weekend without his presence. Caleb always spent his time soaking in the hot tub with jets on his back and cuddling with all of us. In water, Caleb wasn't heavy at all, so it was nice to hold him and cuddle his 9 year old bigness in a hot tub. I didn't have a chance to cry.

Monday: Was Caleb's birthday. I took the kids to the fun factory so that their lives could carry on and I didn't have to sit at home and mope. The carpet guys came and installed all our carpet, so the family was super excited, I wasn't really. I missed Caleb, he was missing the "moving on of our lives" I didn't get a chance to cry.

Thursday: Doctor's appointment. Was told that the baby is still breech. Talked about a c-section. Drove home totally stressed and overwhelmed. Still didn't have a chance to cry.
Didn't sleep a wink that night.
Friday: Homeschool convention. Alot of walking and sitting, thinking, filling up my brains to the hilt! Looking at countless books, spending alot of money.....By the time it was 9 pm and the convention was closing for the night, I sat down and was in overload. I was starting to have pains in my womb. Pinching ones that were kinda scary. Joe graciously went to get the van and told me that he was going to "baby me" when we got home. While he was gone, I just sat there, praying. Asking God why I was wound up tight like a screw. He started to flash Caleb's birth through my head....

Like a movie replaying, I sat there fighting the tears at first, but then couldn't stop them. Rememebering the trauma of Caleb's birth....

Went to hospital for a routine non stress test to have the doctors find that Caleb was in trouble. They broke my water to find much meconium and Caleb was in big trouble! From that moment on, they RAN with me on the bed down to the operating room...Joe was left behind. I was all alone. Before I could blink, the doctor told me to count backwards from 10 and put a mask over my face. At that moment, I felt the scalpel run through my belly and across....then I was out.


I woke up, drugged on morphine to only look at a poleriod photo of my son, down in the NICU. The picture showed only tubes. I couldn't barely see a human there.
The movie ran on in my head, the time I first got to hold him (he was nearly a week old before I could even hold my son!) The time the doctors told us he would never walk or talk. His surgery for his gastrostomy tube at 4 months of age. The time I "stole Caleb" from the hospital and locked myself in a room becuase everyone was trying to convince us to put Caleb in a home. I sat in that room rocking him, crying, wondering why no one wanted him.

By the time Joe got back with the van, I was a mess. I then realized why I was so darn terrified to have another C-section! I ran to the bathroom in tears (infront of all the homeschoolers) locked myself in a stall and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed....

I said to God: "God, I want to trust you. I know you love me. I know you take care of me. My fear overwhelms me. Help me overcome my fear. Heal me heal me......I give this to you in words, still terrified, trusting that you will answer."

Sunday church: the message was on fear! whatda know!!!
I was standing at the front, talking to God, telling him the same things, waiting in anticipation. Wanda, Lani and my sis, came around me and started to pray. God's spirit came and just started to heal, minister, speak and love.
I believe and recieve that I have been delievered from fear that day. God spoke many things to my heart yesterday. Even gave me the name of the new baby.
He put this baby breech for a reason. To restore me. to heal me and to love me. I thank him so much for that.
The postion of the baby is in his hands. the birth and timing of this baby is in his hands.....the health of this baby is in his hands. But one thing that I needed to hear from him was that HE WANTS HEALTH FOR US.

So, I carry on the journey, clinging as best I can to the Lord. Knowing I will be safe. He is good. He is my God and my daddy. He is all powerful and the almighty. He is Holy and righteous. He is faithful and just. In Him I put my trust.

waves

another wave of grief comes over me. Caleb's would have been 10th birthday just past on Monday... I took my kids on the day to the fun factory so that they could run around and be happy. I knew I didn't have the mental energy or ability to do any school or help them to not be bored. My awesome sister came with me that day and spent the day with me.
I told her that I just wanted to stay in bed and cry, but "life goes on". Well, I haven't even had a chance to be sad (even though I totally am) the carpet was installed on Monday, Joe needed to work, the baby is coming in 3 weeks and we don't even have a home ready yet for her. We have furniture, books, boxes and all sorts of things being stored in every part of the city. Leon's, canadian tire, my parents, my sister, a storage bay on 8th street all have some of our things. I feel so usless being that I can't lift anything of weight, help Joe with all the work that he's had to do.....

Last night, we somewhat moved Noah to his new room...
I would appreciate some prayer in this time. I never really know when a wave is coming, or how long it lasts. But i do know that I am sad, missing him and feel all out of whack without him. It's so hard, becuase I feel bad that I'm not there for the other kids. We started school today, when I just decided that I'd better stop and take care of myself, before I yell at them for no reason....
In the last couple of weeks, my sleeping isn't the greatest. I'm up with the heartburn and hurting, numb legs from the extra weight. I have to keep flipping over so my legs don't ache, but they do anyway....I need some sleep.
what a contrast from the last post heh???
God help me....

His faithfulness

Trusting God.....
Following God....
Giving up our rights....

What does all this mean???

I am getting a clearer and clearer picture of this all the time. Alot of people are angry with God, mad at him for the way life turned out. People blame God. He's easy to blame, after all, isn't He the one "in control"??

Following Jesus is never a piece of cake. Once we become christians, our lives don't suddenly go all perfect. We don't all of a sudden get everything we want.

It isn't "if the storm comes"
It's WHEN the storm comes

It isn't "if you have trials"
it's WHEN you have trials....

God wants His children to be solid on the rock, so that WHEN the storm blows in, you will stand firm.

Noah prayed for Caleb to be healed. Caleb went to heaven instead
Noah prayed for a brother, but God is giving him yet another sister.
My friend (who isn't a christian) said to me today that she's concered that this is probably damaging his faith.
Hmmm, I told her that this is the perfect lesson for Him to learn of God's wisdom and infinite goodness. The sooner you can understand and grasp this, the sooner can know God's unfailing love and peace. The bible says that God's ways are higher than our ways, that His knowledge is too lofty for us to attain. it's too great for us to even begin to wrap our heads around it. There are 2 truths that we tell our kids over and over. especially after the death our our 9 year old this year....
God is always RIGHT
God is always GOOD
It's neat to see Noah learn these things. If he were to always get his prayers answered he would never learn the truth of these things. And neither would the rest of us.

My baby is breech....again....I had a feeling.
I lay in bed at night and lay down over and over my heart.
I AM afraid of having another handicapped child.
I AM afraid that I will have to have another C section (if this baby doesn't turn around)

But.....I know deep down, I really really do, that He is good and He is right. That His plans are to prosper us and not to harm us. And that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I WILL HOLD FAST TO THESE TRUTHS! I will declare that He is God, He is worthy, despite my fears, worries....He knows my heart. He can see that I really do trust him.
If this baby is not healthy, will I sink into the sand?

God's faithfulness is an amazing, supernatural thing! No one can explain how someone can have a severely disabled child with a million hardships, and have them loose that child in their 10th year of marriage and still declare HE IS WORTHY. Flesh doesn't do that. Praise God for grace. If He can carry us through that, He can carry us through anything!

So, I sit here, mixed with fleshy, godly emotions on carrying this fragile little life in my belly....
wondering how the next few weeks will unfold.....
I don't know......
I have no idea.....
But I do know....
that I can rest in His faithfulness.
(Brian Doerkson's song: Your faithfulness has been my song in this season)

The life of a stay at home homeschooling mom

I have exactly 26 minutes before Isaiah's piano practise starts.....


I have been reading this awesome book lent to me by "flowerlady" . It's called 'Home by Choice'. She was right, it has been very encouraging to me. There is such a battle for the mommy's these days. The media called it the "mommy wars" in the nineties. The well educated, ambitious moms were off to pursue their careers, while the women who were less fortunate had no choice, no ambitions, no goals, no joie de vie to leave the home. They were the ones that were usually unfulfilled, unhappy and depressed having to change poopy bums, make kraft dinner and sing ABC's with little people...
Not me. Even before I started this book (which was only a few days ago) I have been in such awe with my calling. I love my kids! I love that they are little people to talk with, share, grow and love with. I love watching how they learn, love eachother, and get to know God. I'm at a place where I actually crave to be with them. If I'm out shopping, or with family, at appoinments, I just want to go home so we can paint, read, listen to "jungle boogie"!! great CD by the way! LOL
I can't imagine missing these moments in their lives. When Noah plays his piano and glows after a song well done. When Isaiah puts her words together and reads, she gets so excited. When Faith (not yet 2) puts her laundry away, throws her diapers in the garbage without being told, helps wash the table after meals....it's priceless and I'm so grateful that God has blessed me to stay home!
I am not depressed, unfullfilled, or bored. I do not feel that there is some bigger greater life waiting out there for me. This is it! this is where I want to be. I see fruit in my kids everyday and I wouldn't miss that for the world!!
I want to make it very clear that this is NOT an attack on any working moms or anyone else for that matter. This is my story, for my home. So if you work, please, don't feel judged by me. I know that every family and circumstance is different. These are just our own personal convictions.
Noah and I are making our first lap book on wolves this week. Click here to find out what a lap book is. I'm very excited.
Well, I have 9 minutes left to gather my thoughts and get ready for an afternoon with my best friends. The little ones I disciple....

no time

no time....these days.
I have no time to blog. such a busy season for us.
that's it. gotta go cook for my kiddies again.
bath day
laundry day
school day
planning day
basement work day

when is the rest???

I will admit that even through the busy, I have a secret place. I need to go there a bit more often, but I have been getting there during the week. It's with my God and there is always peace and rest there.....