2 blogs worth visiting

My hubby has posted! 3 posts, you gotta catch up!
He's got FAMILY PICTURES!! click here

My sister has written a parable on our running together, and I totally think she writes better than I.....Click here to read it

struggling and wrestling and venting

I'm going through another "overwhelming" period...

I hate feeling like this. Everything seems like it's out of control. It seems like I can't get a handle on the important things. (Or what I think is important)

Whenever I go through this, I am faced with very high expectations. Which can be a good thing or a bad thing. God can use it, or the enemy can use it. Right now, I am losing this battle.

I know that having high standards is what God would want for my life and for the life of my family. But of course not at the cost of peace, joy and relationships. Right now, my unachieved goals and dreams are filling me with impatience, bitterness (towards those that stand in my way) and discontenment. All of which are not God's plans for me. I am really wrestling with laying things down, giving up my dreams, and letting God work in His own timing.

I get totally overwhelmed at what lies ahead.
Homeschooling....4 children and doing it WELL. DOING IT VERY WELL.
To me schooling them is not just academics. Keeping our children home is also to fully train them in Godly character, responsibility, and loving one another.
There's so much that they need to learn...I wonder how Joe and I (when it seems like we aren't working as a team) can really do all that they need.

That's the whole "kid" thing
Then there's just everyday house chores that just lag behind. We have a beautiful backyard that isn't even getting used. It's a mess. Which in my opinion, you aren't being a good steward of God gave you if you can't even use it! I love taking care of my yard, but I can never get out there to do my duties. I can barely keep up with the basic laundry, cooking and cleaning! How am I going to add school on top??????????

AAAHHHH. I just need to go be with my daddy and let him pour into me. There's no other answer...
Thanks for putting up with my venting for today...

Facing giants

this morning was my meeting. I finally got my 5 pound star!!
Since I've joined, i've lost 13.5 pounds....since baby.....32 pounds in total....only 20 pounds to go....
AGAIN.....

Nin and I were talking about this. I jumped off the cliff once already....I took the plunge in faith, and lost all my weight last year. That was super hard! Each step I wrestled with lies that I would fail.

Then a pregnancy and a very tough year left me right back at the beginning! Faced with the same 50 pounds to loose!!! how am I going to face it??

I totally totally use my weight loss journey as a spiritual parable to our walk with Christ.
To me, this walk is about:
Facing my giants
Facing my fears
Gathering courage to face the same hurdles
Gathering faith
Trusting God's promises
Running the race
Persevering through all trials
not growing weary in doing good, but trusting that I someday will reap a harvest....

God is now leading me in a new direction. Asking me to let him open the can of worms of......prayer.....
What is yet to come scares me. He wants to heal the hurts and wounds from all the times I prayed for Caleb's healing and it never happened. all the times that I DID trust him and "it seemed he never came through"
Then when it was all said and done....Caleb died.....
All I've cried out for is for Caleb's life and our time with him will bear fruit to give glory to the Father. But sometimes it feels like it was all in vain.

Now with God venturing me into healing my prayer life, I sense great things....if I can endure the refining that I know is coming.....
(Books reading: facing your giants by Max and Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets)

pics of canada day!

Went to Auntie Stella's for Gord's birthday, visited the spray park by her new house!




This is mother figure just trying to make sure none of the grandkids get bit

This is.....yeah, these are people I don't know....

I'm sorry Daniel, these ARE your parents....just hang out there and be cool like you are in your nemo suit!!

off to the fireworks! Keeping Elishah safe from mesquitos was tricky!

Setting up...first year without Caleb. that aspect made it a hard time for me. It kept feeling like I was forgetting something or someone, but we were all there...
I remember last year that we had just found out we were pregnant with Elishah the day before the fireworks, but we couldn't tell anyone yet...

Auntie Corey, complete with kids and canada paraphenilia!

"Oh, Canada.....lalalalalalalala...."

My grown up girl!

Big baby...............

Little baby......

sorry it was 3 weeks later, but that's what we did!

blessings to all!

On a scale of 1 to 5

spent the weekend at motherinlaws....she has central air!

The sickness that was going around hit me as well. I was down for 3 days. yuck.
But now that that's over, nin and I went running again together last night.
I told her that my body was sore, it was crampy and did not want to run!!! On a scale of 1 to 5 (5 being that I REALLY REALLY WANT TO RUN and my body is in good shape) I was a 1. Nin encouraged me to just try and see how far we get. I kept thinking that she would leave me behind. I kept encouraging her to go ahead. But as soon as the workout began, I was able to have a great run! We did an amazing sprint at the end that felt amazing! we pushed our bodies to the limit and then some....but we didn't die! we felt great and I felt like a 5!
Now I can see how exercise can be addictive. all those natural endorphins feel pretty good at the end of the day.

A parable in running

In this journey, many of you know, I am learning much in the spiritual through the physical. As Nin and I are running, we talk about the parallels between the two roads.

Nin has been sick (pray as you feel led) but last night, she was determined to get back on track. Of course, we were both prepared for her to be slower and not as energetic. But as she's been on sick leave, I've been running my little heart out almost every night without her. Each day brings further ground, I run longer and recover quicker. It's been a blast! I bought this running music online. It's by crystal method and it's a 45 minute non stop, warm up, workout, and cool down song. Made especially for runners.
So nin comes back last night and obviously at a different pace than I am at. (there have been times where the roles have been reversed where I'm dragging and she's all pumped.)
But this was the lesson...
It's more important to wait and walk together than it is to run ahead and go alone. I wanted to run ahead so bad, but nin couldn't with her cough and all. My MP3 player died, and if it hadn't, I would have left her behind. It was God's way of showing me this lesson. That pressing forward is important and you have to do that as part of our walk with Christ, but was can't just leave those suffering in our dust trail.
All of us have it in us to help others, we all have friends in life that could use our company, time, energy, wisdom, patience, and a kind word. If we focus on our own progress too much we are living our lives out of balance. It was nice to just walk beside nin after she gave it her all (we ran 6 posts together) It threw her into a coughing fit, but she recovered nicely. Good job Nin!

When our church went through a "transformations" small group study, I was severely challenged to stretch my boundaries. To work on our own spiritual journey's and grow in deepening our relationship with God, but also it's equally important to help someone along in their walk with God. If you can have all 3 aspects in your life, you are destined to thrive!
- Someone discipling and teaching you (mentor)
- Someone walking with you (travelling buddies)
- Someone to disciple and teach

My weight watchers meeting

So I went to my Weight Watchers meeting this morning and I haven't lost anything in 2 weeks...(.6 of a pound to be exact)
This is my theory. I think I'm gaining muscle. I know muscle weighs more than fat. I'm fitting into new pants and it seems like I'm loosing inches(I'm not measuring)
What do you think?

Hopefully next meeting, a chunk number will come off.....

Please pray for my running buddy (Nin) she's still sick with something viral. Her throat is on fire and she's coughing alot. She's been to the Dr. and doc says it's viral, so she just needs to wait it out. She is having a hard time just sitting and waiting for her body to recover and wants to get back into running so bad, she said she wants to go tonight, but I think she still needs rest.

What a cool storm last night heh? who was up at 3 am outside watching????
I WAS!!! Went down the street and met my dad. we were out in the wind and rain together.

I can't help it! I'm pumped!

Okay, this is a big deal.....

Last night, I went running. I was able to run an entire crescent! Then, our regular "running strip" has a total of 11 lamp posts. it's a long straight strip that nin and I made it our goal that some day, we would run the entire strip....LAST NIGHT I DID IT! I can't believe it! And I could have kept going, but was more than happy with my accomplishment!

I also fit into 2 new pairs of cool jeans, and feel like a million bucks!

That's my good news!

One year ago

I was pondering where I was at a year ago and all that has changed in only one year of my life.....

One year ago:

-Joe and I found out we were pregnant with Elishah (on June 30 2006)

We were at Saskatoon Asian on a date. We snuck into the girls bathroom stall and took a pregnancy test! We were very very happy!

-Our first born son was still alive

We were getting ready to go on a trip to Winnipeg and take Caleb to a stay in Parkridge for 13 days.

-We rented the home we now own!

We were just starting to find out some answers to some questions about buying this house...

-We slept in a corner (with spiders!) of our unfinished basement.

Our house only had one floor, 3 bedrooms and one bathroom. Now it has 5 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms and 2 living rooms!!!

- was 143 pounds.....sigh.....

I am now 167 pounds with a total of 27 pounds lost from the pregnancy! And plan to be 140 by christmas! (and a runner!)

-We almost had a 2006 dodge caravan wheelchair accesible to a family of soon to be 7!!!

After Caleb's death, the van went to a dear dear single mom that has a daughter in a wheelchair...so we still have our ol beat up 1998 windstar.

-Our house had all white walls!

Now we have a bright green room, a purple room, a yellow room, an orange room, a moss and sunflower room, a cranberry red and beige room, a periwinkle room and a ghostbuster slime green and sky blue room!

-We were a family of 6

We are now a family of 7 with an amazing son dancing with Jesus right now!

-My sister, Nin lived in a small, sweaty, stuffy, hot, boring, far apartment

Now she lives on my street! Along with my mom and dad across the way!

-We had an average size TV that we never watched. Didn't even have channels

Now we have a 42 inch plasma TV that I think gets watched way too often with all the channels you can think of!

Alot can happen in one year. We have one shot. One chance. To make this life count. Our GREAT AND AMAZING God is the giver and the taker...I pray that at the end of each day, I will know I gave him my all

I am a lioness, I just need to walk it out

The song, "the voice of truth" is on my heart today. It talks about how the "giants" in your life laugh at you and tell you that you will never make it. But the voice of truth tells you not to be afraid and that it's for His glory.....I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth....

I have serious fear issues.
I have issues of bitterness that I never realized how deep rooted they really were until I tried pulling them out.

The last couple of months, I have been challenged to walk as a godly wife. One that blesses, helps, encourages and prays for my husband. One that doesn't nag, isn't afraid of him making the "wrong choices", and isn't his "holy spirit".
This is where I'm at in a nutshell:
I can "SEE" (I feel like God has opened my eyes) to what is really going on. When I'm acting out of fear instead of trust. I can see when I'm holding on to something from a long time ago and I know that love keeps no record of wrongs.
I can see when I'm being controlling and nagging and in my heart I'm frustrated instead being at peace and laying it all down.

Joe and I took a "love and respect" course 2 years ago. I am still slowly reading a book called "created to be his helpmeet" (you need to read it slow...there's lots to chew on)
I find myself at the end of everyday, repenting for nagging, or being fearful, or letting bitterness root deeper.....Last night, I did it again. I get tied between all the "reasons" (which really are excuses) for being angry, being bitter, or fearful and knowing in my heart where I need to walk.

I told Joe last night that "if I had some thread of hope to hang on to that this would change, I wouldn't be so upset, angry, I could forgive you, I could walk rightly...."
Did Jesus receive that from the people that nailed him to the cross?
He even washed Judas' feet and he KNEW he would betray him.
I know in my spirit what I need to do......
I cry out to Him, and keep turning from it.....
Joe says that I am changing....
I wonder.....
I prayed with him last night and layed it all down again.
I have 1 Cor 13 on my school board. I want to love as Jesus loved.
We don't know what love is in this world. The world tells us that we have rights. Therefore, if someone has violated those rights, we then in turn have the right to not love....
NOT SO

Teach me to LOVE Lord.....give me your heart.

I want to be this beautiful lioness, one that is graceful, yet powerful, standing behind my lion...

Fruit that will last

On June 1st, Nin and I started a journey. We are running in the physical to learn in the spiritual. We are reaping blessings and rewards in the physical already, but the things we are learning in the spiritual are pretty cool!

We have a course that we started in our neighbourhood (which we have now lengthened) We use lamposts to break up the workout. We walk normal for some, power walk for some, jog for some and sprint for some. When we first started we mapped out our "main drag" for our jog that we would eventually lengthen. We first we able to jog for 2 posts and there was no talking, just concentration on not dying! LOL
Now our main drag has lengthened to 4 posts, which we can talk during and the recovery is by no means as bad as it used to be.
At the end of our course, nin and I turned the last stretch into a sprint. (this is where I literally die!! LOL) At the end of the course last night, nin had to coach me through breathing! But in time this will get easier too.THIS IS NOT NIN AND I IN THIS PIC...it's just a couple of girls I found on the net....(some people actually thought it was nin and I...)

What a journey. We find that as we approach our "main drag" where it's time to run the distance, we get intimidated. We are about to face our "giant" We gather up our courage, our strength, say a little prayer and take a step of faith...to run the race set before us.

The parables are fascinating. Everything from cramps to commitment, all ties into our walk with God.
I am mostly encouraged that 2 sisters, raised by a mother that never followed through with anything, has no idea to this day what a commitment means.....are sticking it out, are bearing fruit! Nin and I have a history in our pasts to fizzle out, to give up, to not go the distance. This is the curse that wants to carry on through the blood lines. I love being able to run along side my only sister and physically declare that we will not stand for this as part of our heritage...We run together and by every step we take, we are gaining more ground.....
and for us....this is NEW GROUND.

Usually, this is the point of a journey where I'm all pumped and emotional. But God is teaching me to stay steady....not hyped. I am encouraged, but focused. It's a race of endurance, not temporary fruit....but "fruit that will last"

tidbit and bit tid

Went to get Elishah weighed this morning and so far she's gaining well. The nurse was so encouraging and supportive. I am so thankful that I took that leap of faith and went after my dream. Elishah is exclusively breastfeeding now with a very occasional supplement through the tube. Her poop is smelling sweeter thank God!! LOL, those formula poops are pretty rank!

I just have to share this.....the last time nin and ran together yesterday, we decided that the very last stretch of the course would be a fairly fast run....so for the last 2 lamp posts, we sprinted as fast as our legs could take us to the finish line! It was sooooo hard! But it was sooooo good!!! I felt like an eagle, rising above the whole world! It's such an adventurous journey...

updates!!!!!

BREASTFEEDING UPDATE

Breast feeding is going increasingly better. I'm now on day 5 of some pills that produce prolactin in your body and pumping every 2 to 3 hours.
When I first started on day one, I was only able to get a quarter of an ounce out of the pump. At the breast, I had a little tube in the corner of her mouth, feeding formula through a syringe at every feed.
5 days later, I now am able to feed her without the SNS tube (supplemental nursing system) right and left breast and then pump up to 2 ounces after each feeding.
I'm not out of the woods yet. Only my little Elishah will be able to make the final decision as to whether she wants to continue. But I think bringing my milk back with this pump and the pills is going fairly well.

MARRIAGE UPDATE

I am so passionate about marriage and all God has purposed for it! Ever since Joe and I took a "love and respect" course (by emerson enriches) 2 years ago, our marriage is constantly changing for the better. It's mostly 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Sometimes it's 2 steps back...but for the most part, God continues to fire our hearts with walking a Godly marriage out.
Another amazing tool I've found is a book called, created to be his help meet. WOW, it really just speaks to the wives. It causes you to only look at yourself and challenges you to change yourself and to stop trying to change your spouse. There is so so so much blessing in walking in the purpose of being your hubby's helpmeet. and it's a double folded blessing, because your hubby becomes more and more free to hear and follow God, instead of all your expectations. Having our 5th child really rocked the boat on this issue, but God has been faithful to get us back on track and take us further and further than we've ever been!!

RUNNING UPDATE

Nin and I are still faithfully running. The other night, nin shared that she ran really fast without getting tired....makes me think of the verse in Isaiah that we will runa dn not grow weary!! We are learning more parables as we run and face obstacles in the physical, we are learning much in the spiritual.
Hebrews 12 is a total running chapter! It has been my inspiration for the last while!
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

The whole chapter is amazing and worth to tie it around your neck and put it in your heart!!


BULIMIA UPDATE

Let's just say it's been over a week now and I have accountability in place to keep me on the straight and narrow!

that's all for now!

We are getting our milk back....hopefully

Joe asked me last night why I'm going through so much effort to breast feed my baby.

Yes, I have decided to fight for my milk.
My friend that had a baby just after me, phoned me to console me. She so graciously offered to pump and give me her breast milk for my baby.....
Let me just say that it was salt on the wound. "I can feed my baby and have so much milk that I can feed your baby too!!!"
I know she didn't mean it that way, she is a sweet heart and I have to admit that I've actually offered "my womb" to my sister inlaw just in case she needed it!!! (I was 18 when I said that, and I've wanted to take it back as soon as it left my mouth!!)

So after her lovely offer, I had a huge MELT DOWN. Bawling my eyes out with intense grief. A big part of my melt down was wondering if I had really done enough to save my milk...and knowing deep down in my heart, I DID NOT do everything I could have to save it.

This is probably my last baby, this is my last chance to fulfill this dream. If God gives me back my dream....THANK YOU!!! If not, I will have peace. Knowing that I did my part, I will take His answer.

So I went off to borrow a big huge pump from the breast feeding clinic, got some prescribed pills, and for the last 24 hours, have been fighting for my milk back.....and I feel great about it. Honestly, whatever the outcome, I know I need to do this.

So I will keep on truckin, leaving the outcome in the hands of the dream giver, waiting the answer that He will give me. Will I be able to nurse to a year....???? Only time will tell.

Breast feeding has come to a sad end

Grieving the loss of feeding my baby has been tough. The week before the wedding, I dried up.
(Caleb was unable to nurse due to his severe CP)
Child #1: Noah....I dried up at 4 months
Child #2: Isaiah...By 3 and a half months, we were on the bottle
Child #3: Faith...I was able to breastfeed her till she was 7 months old!

I thought that the problem with my first two kids were due to the birth control pill. Since I wasn't on the pill with Faith, I thought that I'd found the root of the problem. I came into the newest #4th baby with high hopes and dreams. I had a beautiful picture of me nursing my one year old, going from breast to cup. Something I've never experienced before. This was a huge let down to find out that the inevitable was taking place. Powerless to stop it, I feel so so sad.
Feeding a foreign substance into my tiny little helpless baby has not been easy. I've finally been able to put words to how I'm feeling about this.

There is a nuturing mother in me, given by God to want to love, nuture and give to my little babies. I feel that a part of this has been taken from me. The chance to be able to pour my all into my helpless ones is very important to me.

I know this may seem silly to some, and that's okay. I am okay with my strong desire to want to mother and nuture my babies. There's nothing funny or strange about it. It's just the way God made me.

Now after all that is said, I deep down trust that God knows best. That He is the giver and the taker. I feel blessed to have been given the chance to nurse them at least this far. I also know that God blesses me to grieve. So I will grieve......grieve the loss of a BIG DREAM.....and place it in the hands of the dream giver.

bored and looked like fun

A - Age: 28

B - Band listening to right now:Casting crowns/Lifesong

C - Career future: Can't see beyond diapers, legos, markers and laundry...

D - Dad's name: Rick the Lip

E - Easiest person to talk to:Nin my sister

F - Favorite song: The voice of truth (casting crowns)

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Neither....gives me a tummy ache

H - Hometown: Saskatoon

I - Instruments: Serving spoons and garden tools

J - Job: a helper "wanna be" to my hubby and a mom that hopefully is training her kids to be just like Jesus

K - Kids: 5...2 boys and 3 girls

L - Longest car ride ever: Vancouver

M - Mom's name: Mary, Irene, Preema, kokum, mother figure...

N - Number of times you've been in love: One, true love...with Joe....the others, I THOUGHT it was love...but twasn't

O - Optimum time of day to work: late evening...when my 5th wind kicks in

P - Phobia[s]: fear of losing control, driving on the highway, heights, my kids dying, cancer, bugs in my food, a flat tire, getting pregnant again....

Q - Quote: "you can't change what you don't acknowledge" "being 'right' is awful lonely"

R - Reason to smile: Because I am free, I just need to walk it out

S - Song you sang last: "you know better than I" from the movie "joseph king of dreams"

T - Time you wake up: Too late these days!!! about 9am

U - Unknown fact about me: I used to chew my toenails

V - Vegetable you hate: TURNIPS!!! yuck!

W - Worst habit: chewing off all my nails till there is none left, then chewing off the skin around my nails that aren't there, then making them bleed, then picking off the scabs and making bigger scabs, then taking the nail clippers to my mutilated fingers and making way worse......

X - X-rays you've had: ??

Y - Yummy food: Pretty much anything loaded in firey spice that gives you cramps and diaherah (however you spell that!)

Z - Zodiac sign: I liked my sisters answer....I don't place my destiny in the stars but the one who MADE the stars (good one nin!)

update

Yesterday, I ran a total of 7 lamp posts
A total of 5 unmissed walk/runs for 2 weeks
Today, I fit a new pair of jeans
I can walk without being out of breath
I haven't thrown up my food since Sunday
I won the battle yesterday....almost fell, but "fought the good fight of faith" (That verse is in Timothy somewhere)

Now being a helper to my husband........sigh.....there's a whole nother battle ground.......
LOL
I have to learn to give up control. I desire to be there for him.
He needs me...
God's not done with that one either. And I will trust that someday, I will be a wise proverbs 31 woman and helper to my husband!

You know better than I

A dear friend reminded me of this AWESOME song this morning( click on the previous link for the video)!!! She just found out that her father has cancer. In these tough times, God's love for us is our foundation. It's from the movie "Joseph, King of Dreams" Click on the link to see the trailer of the movie.

This will be the song in my heart for a while. Enjoy and let God work new levels of trust in your heart...For God knows, I am weary in this moment....please pray for me tonight!

Faith has made it easy to see the best thing I can do is put my trust in you
You know better than I
you know the way
I've let go the need to know why
for you know better than I

If I let you reach me, will you teach me?
I'll take what answers you supply

Running the race set before me....

My computer has been down the last week or so, Joe has painted Caleb's room (which is where the computer now is) I still call it Caleb's room. Some of the family members call it the "office" now...which I guess it is....

Walking with my Father has not been a boring dull walk these last few weeks. I am encouraged in so many areas, but struggle with faith in my one area that has haunted me for 16 years. Bulimia. Will I ever be victorious???

Deep down I know that I will. There's this song by casting crowns that i've been singing all the time, called "In me"

"Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me"

The bold words are the words that I really sing out. There's this sign at a store called twisted goods in the mall. I saw it last night and I WANT to buy it. It says "believe" And this is where I am at. Do I believe? I really can sense God digging in my heart. I do know that He is transforming me, layer by layer. I just keep pressing through, pushing past fear, doubt, and failures. Fighting the good fight of faith. Standing on truth, till He brings the victory. I asked my sis the other night, "do you think there will ever come a day where I'll be able to say, 'I haven't thrown up my food for years!!'?" She said, of course! And deep down, by the power of Christ, yes, I will....

The tiny little battles that you think are not significant, are the most important thing you can fight for, because, the more little battles that you overcome IN HIM, before you know it, He wins the war for you.

For me this is a huge thing. Some people that I know have the most amazing will power. They can put their minds to anything and just do it. (I could never understand those people! LOL) I am the opposite of this. I say that I will do this and that, but then never follow through.
These are 2 extremes of the SAME THING. STRIVING IN THE FLESH.
....For one, we just give up (that would be my pattern)
....For others, they just do it alone
BOTH DO NOT HAVE FAITH IN GOD

I am encouraged. I do believe God. I know my daddy enough to know that He never breaks a promise. That He never changes. That He is the same.

I am reading a series of verses on running. God is leading down a path to teach me a spiritual truth through a physical picture....running. There is much to be learned about persevering, staying the course, not giving up, not giving in......

So I have begun a new journey by the leading of the spirit....running. We'll see where He takes me in that.....

Just so that you know....by me sharing this, is a huge risk. It is a leap of faith by telling those that know me, is another way to show that I believe God will finish what he started. I am scared. Scared to fail, scared to give up or that I won't make it. But that's okay. I am choosing to push past all of it.

Psalm 18:10
The name of the Lord is and strong tower. The righteous run into it and they are saved.

bulemia, compulsive overeating, being overweight

I wanted the title to grab your eye. These words mean different things to different people.

For some, bulemia may have struck someone you know, or maybe, you've read about it in a book. Maybe this is something that you really struggle with.

To some, the word "overweight" is you. You've wrestled with weight all your life. Or maybe you've been slim all your life and you watch others around you wrestle.

To some, the words "compulsive overeating" may cause you to think. "Am I a compulsive overeater? Am I normal? Do I have a problem with food? Maybe you already know if this is you. Maybe some of you may think that we "ALL" have struggles with food, while others feel very isolated believing that they are alone.

This is my story, praying that my life will point to God and all He does for us:

Being severly bullied as a child, I came home from school to find that the food in the fridge brought me comfort. It was a time to unwind, forget, and relax. I could enjoy the taste of unhealthy foods to ease my pain. When I turned 12, I discovered drugs and alcohol were much better suited to fix my pain. Food went on the back burner....but only for a short time.

I was admitted into a drug rehab at 15. Let me just say that we were fed WELL! I gained 30 pounds in 3 months. It was a physical picture that I had switched one addiction for another. Quitting drugs, I returned to my first comfort of food, but learned a new technique.....vomitting. This way, I could eat LARGE amounts of food in a binge, and not have any consequences.

After rehab, I met Joe, got pregnant, married, gained 60 pounds in pregnancy!!! Now I had something else to fuel my problem.....a weight problem......

Totally powerless over my addiction to food, I continued in my daily binging and purging. All the while, losing any hope that I would be normal. After my second child, I found myself lying on the kitchen floor, sobbing infront of my fridge, begging God to help me. To take away my desire to eat.....it never happened.
I prayed constantly for deliverance. Went to church leaders, confessing my closet eating patterns.
I fasted for a few days, only to find a severe binge waiting for me on the other side. My sizes kept creeping up, my self esteem kept dropping down, all the while losing more and more hope.

Depression, fueling my eating, eating, fueling my depression.
Cycle after cycle of this deadly sickly thing called gluttony.
Feeling like a victim, helpless to stop it, I give up.....

Years go by and I am only bigger, but numb. I now ignore my binging. It's part of my weekly life. I just accept that I will always be this way. My spiritual walk is stunted, my spirit is weary and defeated. I try to grow in all other areas of my life. Marriage, parenting, being a house wife, reaching out to my neighbours, praying for the lost, reading the word more.....

But I know that my eating affects ALL areas of life!
How can I glorify God when my outward body speaks of a life that's out of control to gluttony?
How can I truly experience freedom in my marriage when I am not confident in my own skin?
How can I model self control to my children, when they are daily witnessing a mom a slave to the fridge?
How can I share the hope of Jesus to my neighbours when I have no hope left for myself???

One day, I jump off the cliff.
I take the greatest leap of faith I've ever taken.
With nothing to loose, I join a weight loss group. Through my journey I lost 50 pounds and 10 sizes. BUT THIS IS NOT THE POINT PEOPLE!
God taught me about fighting the good fight of faith.
My deliverance came in the form of believing in faith in every moment that I am victorious!
Not giving up
Clinging to His word
Everyday, making that choice to believe what He says about me, not matter what is going on around me.
I was looking for a quick fix, that one prayer to "set me free" But all the while I never realized that I WAS FREE, I just had to WALK IT OUT!!!!!
I have a HUGE heart for those in bondage to food. I've been there. I KNOW what it's like.
I'm not perfect. I don't have it all figured out. But God is with me and I walk with him, THROUGH MY FALLS and through my victories. Ron shared an AWESOME message this morning on faith. Everything done apart from faith is sin. He shared that if the spirit of God left the church, 80% of it would still carry on as usual. That's how much we've walked away from faith! We either do it on our own, or sit on the pity pot not having any faith.

I just had another baby. I gained 50 pounds this pregnancy. I really struggled with food in my time of trial. (My son died when I was 5 months pregnant)
Now having to loose all my weight again, I'm not giving up.
This IS NOT ABOUT WEIGHT.
This is ALL about a life given to God IN FAITH!
There is so much more on this I could share, it's getting long. I'll have to share more next time.
Let's all rememeber that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.
There's soooo much more in my heart, but this is where I need to stop for now.