BOSU BALL

BOSU! I have been taking this class twice a week and I love it!

I haven't seen such amazing results before than with this little half ball. My core is so much stronger! I don't think i'm losing any inches or weight, but I know I'm getting stronger! I use to be so wobbly and shake when I first started the class and be SO SORE for a few days, but now I am stable, steady and feel strong during the class! I highly recommend it!

You are working twice as hard with BOSU, because you have to balance AND work at the same time! You are using so many more muscles and burn more calories because of it. These are just a few of my fav's on the ball, but the possiblities are endless with it! My instructor is always doing new things with it. It doesn't get boring, for sure!

I've decided to go after my fitness certification for sure. So I'm really looking forward to learning about the body, nutrition and fitness. I am looking forward to helping others achieve their goals and someday, down the road.....help with body image too....but I have to heal myself first.

Update

Myself: Not online at all these days. It's been nice to not have the distraction of the net during the day. I get alot more done and have more focus on what I'm doing. I seem to be wrestling with my health. It's been about 3 months now that I've been fighting lightheadedness and tiredness. It comes and goes, today being a bad day for that. I am going to try to take iron supplements and see if that helps. I'm considering taking a fitness certification course in Sept. Kill two birds with one stone....workout AND get paid for it!

House: Reno's are still on the go. Kitchen being the biggest of them all, but we're replacing all the doors and trim on the upper floor. Can't wait for it to be done! One more week.

Kids: Adjusting to all the commotion in the house with paint trays, drop cloths, and ladders everywhere. Isaiah moved into her own room last weekend. So now the babies are together (Loads of fun :P) Isaiah is enjoying her own room, i think it makes her feel that much more grown up.

Marriage: Thanks to God and all His miracles, Joe and I are still enjoying our fresh start that He gave us last fall. We enjoy eachother so much now. It's such a blessing to be best friends again and to appreciate why we fell in love in the first place. We are considering a trip in the near future for just the two of us. We never did get to go on a honeymoon and with popping out 5 kids in 10 years, and all the trials we've faced in that time (Caleb's disablity and death being a big one) we deserve it. we need it.....and we're looking forward to it!

that's all I can think of in my tired state right now.

A picture I got at the lake

At the lake for one week. It seemed that the week I was supposed to relax and enjoy my family, I pass through a wave of grief and pain. I made a promise to God a month or so ago to allow myself to be real in the moment-to feel pain when it comes-to make sure that I never wall myself off in self protection mode. So on the way up to the lake.....the wave began.

It was a super good time. I did enjoy my family, I did relax and we built memories and relationships.....but all the while, the inner turmoil remained.

Staying as vague as possible, I realized a picture of my life. I was at the beach with my kids, soaking up the rays. For one small moment, I caught a glimpse of peace. My spirit was able to connect to the truth of my situation and my eyes were opened to the REAL reality. It was like for that one short moment, a HUGE weight lifted from my heavy suppressed heart. It was like I came up for air after someone was holding me under water.....it was amazing......

Every now and then (it seems like 2% of the time) this happens to me. It's like for a short, sweet moment-I can breathe. It's like I am out from under torture.....only for a moment. Then....It's gone. Just like at the beach that day, it was snatched from me as quick as it came. The peace was gone. Feeling the weight back on my shoulders, I desperately wanted it back! I tried to go back to that "place".....but couldn't.

Later that day, I shared with Joe what happened. I cried. I don't know how to get free. I'm reading the shack and just like Mack said to Jesus the night they were looking up at the stars, "I feel so lost"......I TOTALLY understand how he felt. Apparently, Jesus answered Mack and said, "you're not lost......You are so far from lost" Jesus took his hand in that moment. I cried and then again.....threw the book (like I usually do)

ROTFLMAO!

Deep fried Spam slice on a stick


A peanut butter, banana, honey and bacon sandwich on potato bread, dipped in egg batter then fried in bacon fat, topped with butter and blueberry syrup.
Mini double cheeseburgers with chicken McNuggets for buns.

I had a good laugh at this blog.....

You can visit the blog here.
Here are a few things I thought were super funny I had to post them!

A pizza consisting of Thousand Island dressing as the sauce, topped with a family size bag of chicken fingers, a container of bacon bits all smothered in sliced mozzarella cheese.

A brioche bun with cotton candy filling.
Deep fried cheeseburger on a stick.
A one third pound of sirloin topped with two slices of white American cheese, four strips of bacon, peanut butter, between two Krispy Kreme donuts.
Spam that has passed through a french fry press and is deep fried.

Going away

On Monday, I was so sick of the computer that I did what any sanguine would do....I got rid of everything I could.
I don't desire to privatize my blog. Never did. But I will say that I'm taking a break from the internet for a while.
My facebook account has been deactivated as well for a while. I don't know how long, but I need to remove these distractions from my life for a time. I don't think it's wise to wrestle my raw thoughts out in public either. I think some cover would do me some good.

anywho.....thanks for reading, I'll be back, just don't know when.

Carebear

thoughts

With a MILLION things circling my head. Where do I start?

First off, the place I'm at is I don't trust anybody. I don't like being here. I've taken a few steps back in this area. I feel like 'who could I trust?' Wondering if people are the real deal. And considering that we are all humans, we don't even know what the real deal is anyway, so it's impossible to be the real deal. Our self deception is so sick and creepy that we don't even know the messes were in!

We were in life group last night, it was nice and freeing to be as real as I could. Which was just what I said. I figure that I might as well just call things as they are, instead of decieving myself too. Which I probably am. How will I move forward if I won't acknowledge what's there to deal with. I think before my spiritual pride would keep me from this. Afraid to share what I was really thinking, in fear that someone would think that I'm weak, or not growing, moving up the "maturity ladder"

Not interested in any sort of ladder at this point. Just wanting real peace, real life and real relationships. Although the relationship part will be hard to get to since I won't let anyone in. It's much safer in a closed cell. It seems to me, my experience anyway, that whenever I draw conclusions, it turns out I'm WAY off!

Thanks to L for being around, there in the backgroud. I love you and am so glad you;'re in my life.

More church questions...more like LIFE questions

Yes, these days I am for surely questioning alot of things. Things have happened in my life to shake my foundation, and to challenge where I truly stand. My eyes are being opened to how blind I am and have been. The last thing I want to do is bash my church family in all this.

Yes, I am questioning "why we do church" but my heart loves my church family so so so much. I'm in a place in my life where I need a lot of healing. And I am one of those "hurting people". I say it in quotations like that because 2 years ago, that's how I would have labeled myself. 2 years ago, I was in a bubble of self deception and religious pride. I was comfortable in my little "safe place" of knowing everything. Of being "mature" of "moving up the church ladder" I was asked to become a care group leader!! Having a marriage of 11-12 years and going through a death of a child and still coming out the other side declaring that God is faithful and good. I had all my kidlets lined up in a homeschooling row. I had people tell me that I was an inspiration and that I was growing into a beautiful christian woman. Maybe I was....I'm not so sure.

Then my world crashed and everything changed. Everything to it's very core was and is still being shaken. My core values, my core beliefs, are all being challenged now. So my bubble no longer exists. My pride was broken and my self deception was exposed for me to see. Honestly, when I look back at the repentance I walked through, it was incredibly refreshing to weep through the disgusting mess I had made of my life. I felt so much mercy and grace when I asked for forgiveness. I never want to be that woman again.

As of now, I won't give up on my church family. I have nothing against them as people. I have just been wondering the purpose and pondering the fruit. My sister left me a comment about a life group we were in. I totally echo her heart and thoughts on it. This care group was true love, community and friendship. There was a mutual desire to be together, to fellowship, eat and play with the millions of kids we all had. One of us became a widow in the midst of it all and I know that we were the church to her. And she was to us. And honestly, she still is.
Even tho she doesn't come to our church anymore, she was the one that came over and put my drunk self to bed after Joe left me last fall. She was there, with no judgment, and listened as I slurred out my words of pain and abandonment. She didn't mind carrying me to bed and tucking me in. Although I had to deal with the hangover on my own!! LOL

This is church. I won't stop going, I love my family. even tho I am wrestling, I will trust that God will guide and lead me through these questions.
But please, let's keep talking about it, I have been appreciating your thoughts on this. Thank you for sharing your heart in my last comment box!!! We are in this together, this journey called life.

Why church?

I'm sitting here on a Saturday night.....
Knowing that church is in the morning.

Why do I go?
What's the purpose?
Is it safe? To heal? to be real? to allow God to work in me without the walls I've built?

Rene's post has complimented my thoughts about the "format' of it all.

Also, I've been holding onto stuff that I'm afraid to share, but am so sick of fear of people's opinions at this moment that I'm just going to say it!!

I went dancing! In a bar! And, I had 3 drinks! there.....I said it. Isn't it stupid that I am afraid of judgement? afraid that people will look "down" on me because those things are "bad"?

Go ahead, make my comment box a place to talk about this....cause at this point....I want to pretend I was never "saved"-start over-so that I can get to know God for real. The REAL God. Not the God that religion has painted.....

Sarah.....writes poetry??

Pain pain, go away
come again another day
and put you off for one more day
you will only be twice as gray

But I can feel you inside my soul
in a bubbling, pushing, stiiring role
wanting out, and wanting free
but you can't seem to get past me

Self protection, self reliance
I stand walled up in defiance
hoping you'll just go away
never come again any other day

But deep down I know
you'll stay inside
until I face this ugly ride

Do I have faith, do I have courage
to stand and even jump off this ledge
and into what? Where would I fall?
I only feel 3 inches tall

Heck I'm writing poetry?!
I guess I'm desperate to be free
Trying something new
to ease my pain
anything to clean this stain

I can see a small glimpse of why this pain
so many others need His name
if God can redeem this awful stain
then walk with others
and together regain

what has been ripped from our hands
our souls, our hearts
and it feels like all our body parts
have been blown to bits
without a care
but God is here and has always been there

So God, if your listening
I need to face this pain somehow
but there's no way I can do it on my own
is this where your glory is shown????

Only time will tell

found some old pics of me

I am a total geek

k, this post is not so you can call me a geek all the more, but I do want to share my geekiness with you...... :P (nin....I'm talking to you)

last night I watched x-weighted, my favorite show with my fav personal trainer Mr. Paul Plakas. He challenged this girl to an indoor mini triathlon.
He said that a healthy and fit person should be able to this triathlon in less than 45 minutes.
1. 1.5 mile(not km) run
2. 2500 meter row
3. 150 calorie burn on the bike.

So like the geek that I am, I grabbed Joe's cell phone to enter in the numbers so I won't forget them.
Joe: Who are you calling?
me (sheepishly): I'm writing down this trialthon
Joe: Why.......? Are you going to do this?
Me: (laughing all like a geek.....but yet super excited to try this out) ......yes......

So this morning......
Joe: how was your sleep?
me: Long and hard
Joe: why did you have heartburn again?
me: no, I spent all night dreaming of doing the indoor triathlon!!
Joe (laughing at me): You must be EXHAUSTED!

what's the waldherr's been doing?

Right now, Joe and Isaiah are out buying a bike. This year, we have gotten all new bikes. When they get home, we are off to bike the bridges as a family.

with the two younglings in the trailer, and the older two biking along with us....looking forward to it

Shannon and Doug finished building our shed last week. Joe and I painted it together last weekend. Joe's been putting up shelves in our spacious 10x14 little house!

organizing the laundry room, going through every box....found my old yellowed "wedding dress".....can't wait to get a NEW ONE!

our lawn is still brown, and for those of you that know me, would know that's a BIG THING! My lawn is always the first to be green! Goes to show you where my priorites are.

did another 9km run yesterday. pretty sore today. ran around the confedo ghetto. maybe I'll be running my first marathon BEFORE I'm 40! My dad says that I'll be doing a half marathon within the year....we'll see....

picking out our new kitchen! we are getting new dishwasher, new countertops, new lino, new sink, new faucet, and painting our doors! whoot whoot!

The sun is shining for me today

I am thankful right now. For my friends and family.
Joe, you are exactly the man I need....I love you

Nin, what can I say, my sis that knows me so well. I love our relationship....with boundries! It's freeing and such a blessing to be tied together properly. Thank you for being there to just laugh with me. You are a joy. I love how we can laugh at the most ridiculous things this life throws at us and we can laugh at ourselves and others!!

Morgan, my faithful friend. You are never afraid to speak your mind. I love how you have so much wisdom to share with me. I love how you pour into me without hesitation...God bless you and re-fill you up when you need it!

Llo, who shared the most painful moment of my life. Who knows me and still loves me

My kids who have so much grace and forgiveness for me in this time. God love on them in ways I can't

My spiritual mothers who faithfully pray for me. You know who you are!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Crystal, who walks with me through the pain. who asks who I am and doesn't give up on me, even tho I can disappear into a black cloud for weeks. Thank you for being persistant.

Tanya. Someone that obviously has the spirit of God on her life. She pours from a place that only God can fill. Thank you for everything!!

Holly. Someone who knows me so well. Sometimes better than myself! She is loyal beyond loyal. I know she'll always always be there for me. LOVE YOU

Laurie. Who has been sharing with me my food journey, keeping me on track and inspiring me to keep going! Who prays for me and listens...

I know there are so many others in my life that bless me beyond what I could have asked. Lynn, Steph, my dad, mom, my mother inlaw, sis in law, olga, shannon, rachel, kevin, terry....

Thank you God for all the support!

??? what the hell

walls going up.
self protection is a scary thing....
i have nothing to give.
Hope? what's that?
As I sit here eating chocolate almonds hoping to numb the pain inside...nothing helps.
will i get better?
will i find myself?

i am losing myself......each day......
getting farther and farther away....from.....I don't even know what.....
tired of the facade.
tired of smiling...
i'm not okay.....

on the way home

song on the radio...cried all the way home.... here are the words....

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

for some fun

TV or no TV?

I am thankful that God has been answering my prayers for direction. For once in my life, i am going to learn something WITHOUT swinging the pendulum! I am excited.

This morning, I had just the most amazing workout! When I workout in the morning without eating first, I usually struggle through it. Knowing that the calories burned first thing in the AM are coming right off my body and not off everything I ate all day helps me push through it.

I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical and then jumped on the tread for another 15 on running, running hard the last 4 minutes. When I go to the gym, all the equipment has T.V.'s and I usually watch a show while I run. But I was talking to a friend and telling her about how my workouts at home are so much more filled with worship. I realized that it was because I don't watch TV at home. I stare at one spot on the wall and soak in the worship music I listen to. So today, I turned off the T.V. at the gym and just spent that 30 minutes just talkin with God which was SO refreshing......

I hate it when I "run away" (no pun intended) and just fill my head with noise. I feel so empty. I just pray that I will have the endurance to run this race with excellence.

The biggest loser

I watch that show faithfully every Tuesday night. Of course, last night, I cried....again.

I can relate to them! So I was never over 210 pounds, but I know what it's like to feel trapped in a big unhealthy body that can barely move. I know what it feels like to know that food controls your life. I know what it's like to feel chained to the fridge and the toilet. I lived with bulimia for 18 years!

Last night Kristin went home. She was eliminated. (sorry to all who haven't watched it on their PVR yet) The show will always follow them home and show you how they are doing after leaving the biggest loser campus. 2 months after she left, Kristin was still going strong, losing more weight and staying on track. But more than that......she was helping others. She was using her story to speak to other women who felt trapped in their overwhelming feeling of never succeeding. They showed Kristin in a conference room full of ladies, listening to her tell them to believe! if she could do it, so could they! You could see the impact on their faces as Kristin shared her testimony.

This year has not been an easy one for us. For me. 7 months later, I'm still trying to find who I am. I went shopping with my sister the other day and found a rainbow scarf. I loved it at first sight! But it was an ODD moment. The reason it was an odd moment for me is because I actually had a PIECE of me COME OUT.....shine through. I LIKE THIS SCARF.....ME......I LIKE IT......THIS IS SOMETHING I LIKE.............

This might make no sense to anyone, but to me, I feel like I'm really building from the ground up. When I was watching Kristin last night, I was reminded of WHY I started my journey 4 years ago......to loose weight and get healthy.......
To help others. To walk with others. To inspire others. To teach others. To show God's goodness and faithfulness.
Somewhere in my woundedness, I am in my own little world of diet and exercise. Fueled by low self esteem and a drive to be a perfect 10 body, I'm WAY off track. I'm lost. I've been wrestling this for a while. Wondering what the answer is?
Do I just quit everything? Swing the pendulum WAY to the other side in hopes that I'll find the balance? Do I stop my physical activity completely?
So far, I've thought that I should FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE....STOP SWINGING THE PENDULUM to extremes and carry on and seek God in the process.

Anyway, this is again, real and gross.
Where I'm at.
I've ate like SH#T all week and I'm suppose to run my first 10 km today with Megan. Everything in me wants to cancel. There's something telling me to keep going.
God.........
Father.......
Come, make the places in my soul right.......

sad today
wanna be real with who i am
where im at
but who am i
will i heal?
will God fill all those places that feel so raw?
will I get better?
do i play a victim?
never been so lost
which i know deep down is god's plan
im so lost so i can be found
but i want to be found right now

Thankful books/movies/tv shows

Books:

156. Every woman's marriage
157. Every woman's battle
158. The bible
160. Captivating
161. The true measure of a woman
162. Out of control and loving it.
163. Calvin and Hobbs

Movies:

164. Yes man
165. Adventures in babysitting
166. School of rock
167. Liar Liar
168. Signs
169. Family man
170. Sweet home alabama

TV shows:

171. The biggest loser
172. X-weighted
173. Last 10 pounds bootcamp
174. Till debt do us part