Last night after feeding Elishah in my bed, I laid there with her cradled in my arms. She fell fast asleep. Being inches from her face, I studied her. Caleb's face came out plain as day....
Here I was holding my first born, my Mr. Caleb man. He was right there in my arms, it felt like a dream, only it wasn't....it was real, it was really him....
It was weird, it was sad, it was comforting, it was scary (how much it looked like him)
I longed him, how I'd give anything back for one more cuddle....
I put Elishah back in her playpen, laying there, with a strange sense of the timing of her birth yet again. How did God plan her so perfectly? How did He know she was just what this family needed? He is God....that's why.....He wouldn't be God otherwise....
We were positive she'd be a boy.....but He gave us a girl....a girl that looks just like him, but a girl to remind us of new beginnings, not of holding on to the past.
I miss you Caleb.....One day, we will be together......
:(:(:(:(:'''(
5 comments:
big big big *hugs*
Part of me thinks that it's still going to be hard this Christmas. I know the magic one year is over, and people say that things get easier now, since we've all experience the firsts, but I don't know if that's going to be the case. I'm here for you, I love you. I'm sorry for telling you we had 6 kids last night, and for not catching on to the amazing grace song when you turned it on in superstore.
Actually, what happened in the restaurant last night was that I asked for a table for 3 adults and 7 kids! Not realizing that I had said that I gave that big face. I guess you said it too....I had a good cry for Caleb yesterday. It was beautiful...
It was such a hard day for you....
I'm so sorry about your car.....
and yes, about the first's....I totally agree. There was so many layers needing to be peeled back. There is still pain and longing. Last year, I was so confused still.
I am glad in that in that moment you felt the presence of God too. May He continue to comfort you.
Our 16 year old son has been gone almost three years, and I still "catch" glimpses of him in our other children, which I am thankful for. I also had a stillborn daughter nearly 10 years ago, and I wonder what her characteristics are like. I understand your feelings and rejoice and weep with you. Loni
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