Whatever about people judging me. You can think whatever you want when you read my blog. I find writing helps me sort things out and maybe, just maybe, it may help someone out there not to make all my flippin mistakes.
So my latest stupid thing came out this weekend. And i hate it. God told me something so ridiculous that I don't even know what to say or how to respond yet. For a while, I've been crying out to him, "where are you!!!!!!?, why aren't you helping me???? answering me??? speaking to me???? rescueing me?" He says to me, "cause you don't need me. You are your own saviour. You aren't in need of a saviour." I had some words with him. Somewhere this summer, I didn't feel safe with him any longer. I felt that he was not protecting me, and that he HADN"T protected me. If He was trustworthy, than he would have saved me BEFORE all the shit hit the fan. I was very very honest with him and poured out my hurt and abandonment to him and left it at that. I have never really experienced this in my walk with God before. Maybe I have, but not in such an obvious way. Somwhere in the last 6 months, I chose to no longer trust God and trust in myself. After all, I know me and can control the outcomes of life (or so I thought)
With my last post, I shared that I have blamed myself for alot of things and have also not forgiven myself for things I have done. So you mix those two things with being your own saviour......hmmmmm......things just keep getting worse.
I cried one night to Joe. The things pouring out of my heart were, "I feel like I'm dying a slow death. I feel like the more I try to find my life, i loose it (hmmm, sound familiar?)
I wake up everyday (in my mind) In a big hole! In a whole ton of debt. Someone needs to pay for the offense. I'm to blame for this that and the other thing. If you weren't ____ than ____ wouldn't have happened. Not to mention that if I would only loose the last BLASTED 10 pounds, than life would be grand! So I become the saviour. I am the only one that can be trusted to get myself out of this mess (or so I think)
I get up every day and get on the scale. It's confirmed, I'm in debt and work needs to be done. I go to the gym and kill many birds with one stone. In the moments of working out, I feel empowered, in control, safe in my own hands. I am able to push myself farther each time to prove to myself that I can am strong enough and don't need anyone else. I see myself get stronger each week which (for only those moments) increases a false security in this body that will one day turn to dust.
On deeper levels, I kick the shit out of myself, punish myself, hurt myself.....to pay for the deeds done. To pay for what "was my fault" What does keep me running that extra lap? Lifting those extra pounds? Knowing that I deserve the pain, and somewhere I've been whipping myself, thinking that eventually, the debt will be gone....but it never is.
Another level that working out touches is I get to 'run away' from life just for a while. I can get lost in a world of music, and concentrate on the pain infront of me. If my legs hurt, who the hell cares? I'd rather my legs burn like hell than my heart ache from real life)
Writing this out, I feel like vomitting. How does a person get so messed up? Or better yet, how in the heck does a person get OUT of this mess?
At the ladies retreat at church, I didn't sing a single word of a worship song. I sat there trying to find my way through a maze of emotions and confusion. With my feet resting on a chair across from me....I was staring at my shoes. Cause, who woulda guessed? I brought my workout garb to the ladies retreat, just incase I could fit in a workout......which I did. 80 flights of stairs and a shitload of wall squats made me feel happy for the moment. But later that night, when the workout is done and my heart is still hurting......and women are singing their hearts out to God....I'm sitting there....starring at my stupid shoes. The shoes that I live in. that I almost feel enchained to. The shoes that tell me what I need to do, how long I need to do it.
Somewhere inside, I know that God is good. And that I will make it through this, make things right, and be stronger than I ever was IN HIM.... I know I'm willing. well, most of the time.... :P Somewhere down the line, I will be helping others, speaking to them their VALUEABLE WORTH in God and how much they are loved, unconditionally. Because I will know, I will have walked it, wrestled it, and overcame it.......I know I will.....
These are the newest, grossest revelations that my God has given me. Apparently God hasn't given up on me yet.....is there hope for me? I .....hope.....so......
7 comments:
There is hope. We are on the same path, my friend. I love you!
I love your honesty. I can relate to the questions you had for God. Lately I have felt like he's dropped me and some how let me slip through his fingers. I find when I start to dwell on these thoughts I become angry and then I actually spiral down emotionally. So I started trying to strap on the belt of truth. To keep my eyes on Jesus. I was told that when crap hits the fan you can take one of two paths. One leads you to Jesus and the other makes you spiral downwards and keeps you self focused. I've taken that path far too many times.
I am glad God is continuing to shape you on his spinning wheel and that you are willing to be molded and shaped no matter how much it hurts. Love you!
Oh sis.....
I love the CRAP out of you! You, are THE REAL DEAL. And only THE REAL DEAL will speak to those women, will minister to those hurting, will break down the walls of self protection, will show HIS REAL FACE.
Echoing Tina, agreeing there is hope, no matter the mess, no matter the SHIT, no matter the ass hole you wake up in every morning, His mercies are new every morning, which sounds so "christian-eez" but is so so so true. And that is one christian-eez thing I can grab hold of.
It's like the wagon thing that I was telling you about. It doesn't matter what shit you have packed in there, He WILL STILL pull it for you, no matter what.
When he looks at you my dearest sister, He sees the woman you speak of, the one who will one day help others (which hello, you ALREADY are, and I don't care if you tell me to shut up, you help ME everyday!), He sees the one who KNOWS she's loved, who KNOWS her worth. That's who He sees.....
He is NOT intimidated by time. He is not worried that you're taking too long, that it's been a year, or 31 years for the matter. He's got this, and yes, the stupid peice of shit plane had to crash, but He came to the rescue, HE was the sound of the fire engine rushing, HE was the lights flashing, HE was the one who lifted you out, as that burn victim, who nursed you back to solid food, who carried out out of the hospital bed, and gently layed you back in your own bed. He will continue to nurse you back to FULL recovery, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES.
LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU.
I think this has always been the ultimate wrestle- take no other gods. I am a slave to distraction as a way to flee divine intimacy, but God also knows and understands and loves us enough to keep coming to call on us. I do believe that we go from glory to glory, but we also go from gory to gory. He knows, forgives and continues to call us out, back to Him.
when you dont see him,
he is carrying you.
Just remember the footsteps poem,
it is true.
Dont fall for the lies of the enemy, they will constantly pull us down if we let them. Continue on this race, He will lift you up from the troubles you face.
when does your opponent will the race, it is when you look back, look forward to Jesus that is when you have hope.
colleen
I hope no one has the guts to judge you, seeing your footprints, but it's funny how menure makes a roses grow and painfull thorns hold them up. You are a rose, and in that case I will continue praising God and being thankful for all the things that "work together for good for you who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
I love you, Sarah
Nel
I stumbled upon this blog looking for a video of the care bears my friend told me about. Anyway, besides that:
First things first. I've had my own struggles with this and I came to my own conclusions, they don't really fit a box but maybe this will help.
When you said that you are your own savior, it made me think of a story.
There's a story of a man who came across a butterfly. He saw it struggling to get out it's cocoon, so he reached down and tore it open for the butterfly. The butterfly then flew for a few feet and then died.
Afterward, he asked a wise friend of his and he replied "Well, when you helped the butterfly, you took something that it needed. It needed to be strong enough to fly on it's own, so it had to struggle."
So, God doesn't interfere because like the butterfly, you need to struggle and be strong enough to fly.
We have precious little time on this planet.
You may read this and think well of it. You may read it and think poorly, but remember this, there is no love in fear and when you release your fear, you can freely love all that surrounds you (and you yourself) because God made it so.
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