my bulimia story part 6 (warning, NOT A PRETTY POST!)

Joe and I continued to date and isolate ourselves from everyone else to keep me away from bad influences. But this meant another temptation. Within 8 months, Joe and I were pregnant.
Now what?

We found ourselves in a christian adoption agency, researching the options. We knew that ending our baby's life was NOT an option! Joe wanted to keep the baby, and I wanted to give it up.

4 weeks after our appointment with the adoption agency, Joe asked me to marry him. He said he would take care of me and the baby and we would raise our baby in a christian home.
Scared, yet, excited, I said YES!

We got married on Nov 9, 1996. I was 6 months pregnant. I moved in with Joe in a little basement suite. This is where things went really wonky.
Not having a clue about self discipline, responsibility or general information and wisdom on healthy living, I very quickly slipped into damaging life patterns.
Not knowing how to be productive with my days and nothing to do, my days were filled with eating, sleeping and watching tv. This is the greatest recipie for depression! This is where my vomiting got alot worse. I would eat so much volume that I felt so sick.

The cycle of eating because you feel bad and feeling bad because I ate....had begun.....
By the end of my pregnancy with Caleb, I had gained 60 pounds.

The next year of my life, food became my constant. whether depressed, really sad, angry, or just bored, food seemed to be the one thing that brought me temporary relief. My bulimia was out of control. Somedays I would binge and throw up up to 3 or 4 times a day. There were a few times I saw blood in the toilet. I didn't know how to stop. Everyday I would wake up not wanting to wake up. Joe would go to work and I was left at home with a special needs child, responsibility I wasn't ready for and my pain I didn't know how to heal.

When I think back to everything I've been through, I would honestly have to say that this time was the hardest to get through. I had regular thoughts of suicide. I cried all the time feeling so trapped in so many lies and strongholds.......Joe remembers driving home from work sometimes really worried that he might find me lying on the bathroom floor with a empty pill bottle to my side. It was really really bad.

My temper was uncontrollable. Mood swings. I would yell and scream, swear, slam doors so hard that pictures would fall off the walls. I would throw things, punch holes in doors and one time, Joe kicked me out. "I will not allow this in our home, you will leave until you have cooled off and can control yourself!" (middle of winter)

I had extreme night terrors (really bad nightmares) of demons, the occult, and torture. I was always afraid and terrified. I had to sleep with the lights on.
Looking back, the enemy had so many holds.......so many doors to walk through. God had a lot of work to do.....

He was patient, kind, uncondtionally forgiving. One by one God took the chains off.....
Faithful to the very end.
Even through all this evil, God loved me and saw me through. He never gave up on me. I never thought I was valuable enough to be saved, yet I knew he was the answer.
Year after year, I cried out to Him.....
Year after year, He answered me.....

"Ogre's are like onions, we've got layers"
-Shrek

My bulimia story part 5

part one
part two
part three
part four

Fresh out of a nice glass bubble, into the real world of old friends, a new school and a new heart. Hoping and trusting that God will provide new friends and strength for me to stay clean and sober. At my new high school, I heard about a christian prayer group that met at lunch. So I went. There, I met Joe. He also was on a mission to stay on the straight and narrow. He had strayed from God's path as well.
I wish that I could say that we both turned to the Lord and followed Him at this point, but we didn't. I was deperately trying to stay away from old contacts and not having a clue how to find my own self worth WITHOUT a guy in my life, I clung to Joe....until my first relapse.

I broke Joe's heart, over and over. He would come pick me up at parties and nurse me back to health hoping to hear that I would never do drugs again. Week after week of empty promises, he cracked. He broke up with me. He was gone. Here was someone that actually cared for me and I messed it up bad.

Alone once again, all I had were friends that weren't friends and a cheap high that didn't last. What was I doing??????

On November 16 1995, I got clean for good. Never touched another drug or another drink. I came to a place that I wanted freedom FOR ME, not for Joe, not for my parents, but for me. I had to let Joe go. Never knowing if he would come back. But in time, Joe saw that I was serious. He could tell that I was staying clean for me and not just trying to get him back.

Joe came back....

I guess this is kinda turning out to be my life story.......
That's okay. I am finding this very healing for me to reflect and see how far God has brought us.
It's kinda hard to only write about my food issues without sharing the rest. So many of the reasons I developed such a stronghold with food were the reasons I am writing about.

Continually choosing the wrong path causes a train wreck of consequences! I know that some of you out there may have not "dabbled" in drugs, or had premarital sex, and think that "your story" is "boring". May I ENCOURAGE you that you are SAVING YOURSELF A TON OF PAIN! You don't need to lay down in shit and roll around in it to testify that it stinks.
Everyone knows shit stinks.

I know that God wants to use my story to share God's forgiveness, God's healing and saving grace, Here I am almost 30 and have been wrapped up in such a mess, spending my youth trying to detangle myself out of satan's chains. That is NOT God's plan for His kids!!! I pray for those that are reading my story to say, "MAN! DON"T DO WHAT SHE DID!!!!!"
and that others that have messed up like me to say, "MAN! God CAN heal, and CAN deliver!!! IF there's hope for her, surely God's plans for me are for hope and for good!"


to come next......marriage, baby and alot of eating!

My bulimia story Part 4

You can read the first 3 parts:
Part one
Part two
Part three
As I began my walk with God for the first time in my life, He made himself more and more real everyday. Peace was flowing out of me! I was known as the "happy camper" in rehab. Alot of girls didn't even like me at Whitespruce because I was running after God and it showed! I would just burst into song out of nowhere! Songs of Jesus and His love for me. I would laugh, REALLY LAUGH!! For the first time in many years, I had joy! At my rehab graduation, my family drove 4 hours to be there. They told me it was the biggest, longest "marbling" they have ever had in the history of whitespruce! Usually graduation is held in a small group room, but they had to book the commons for mine! Everyone was crying, overwhelmed at how a messed up girl who was angry beyond all reason, could be transformed into being soft, peaceful and full of life.

I remember going around the "pod"(where we lived) and praying for all the girls, encouraging them, laughing with them and sharing Jesus with them. I truly became a different person after that night God met me through Psalm 121. Life was worth living!

These were the foundations my God was laying in my life that kept me going even through much pain that came later. He became a really daddy to me and a safe place. Unfortunately, I still was broken and needed healing. Being in a glass bubble in rehab was God's plan. It was His way to REACH me! This was His chance to speak to me and pour out His love with no distractions. Group consisted of 3 hours of talking through issues. We had treatment work to do every day. It was a place to till the soil, turn and feed the soil of the heart. A protective place to rest and feel safe while you healed.

This is where food comes back into the picture. Even though God was making miracles in my life, I still had very addictive patterns and, without realizing it, food came creeping back. We ate 6 times a day in rehab. I was so desperate for love and attention, that I felt that "if I am REALLY messed up, they will love me more" My roomate from Yellowknife had gained 60 pounds! can you believe that??? She started throwing up her food to deal with her weight gain. I thought it would get me more attention if I did that too. That's where I made the stupidest choice in my life! (well, one of them!) I purposely decided to become "bulimic" How stupid is that?

The time at whitespruce had come to an end. My term stay could only last 3 months. Then it was time to pack up and face the REAL MUSIC. Back to your stomping grounds, with the old people, that are still doing what they were doing when you left them. "Stealin' and drug dealin' ..... After rehab, I started at yet ANOTHER high school. (I've been to pretty much all the high schools in the city except the west side ones) I joined a christian prayer group to make NEW FRIENDS. Hopefully friends that weren't going to use you and are a mess themselves! That's where I met JOE!!!! GOD IS GOOD......

A condensed update of where I'm at

I just wanted to share a couple of super awesome things that God has done! I know that I am sharing my whole story of my walk with food in parts, but I wanted to just share how good God is. So the reader's digest version of where I'm at:

The last time I threw up my food was February 5th! (Caleb's birthday, I believe God had me "snap" on THAT day to make Caleb a part of the victory)
That is one month and 2 days ago!!! I have never in these 18 years, gone that long before!

I fit a new pair of jeans this morning......but this is the difference:
It's real! God has changed me, The pounds I'm losing now are not fake, they are not counterfeit! It's the real meal deal! The real fruit!!! Something I've been crying out for years! FRUIT THAT LASTS!

Whatever about the weight. I'm happy that I'm getting healthy, taking care of myself, for real, with no lies, no excuses.....

This is my update, tomorrow, I am posting part 4 of my bulimia story

And Just wanted to say thanks to all that are taking the time to read my story, to hear my struggles and are walking with me through this! I really appreciate you! ALL OF YOU! THANK YOU for being there.....blessings

My bulemia story Part 3

In part one, I already shared a bit of the transition between being a child into adolecense. By the time I was 12, the hole in my heart was open, raw and vulnerable to anyone willing to offer me any kind of "love". This means whether it was genuine or not, was not my concern at this point. And believe me, there were MANY opportunities to "recieve love". Most of my friends were in the exact same boat as I was! Looking for love, not having a clue what to look for. Finding acceptance in partying, rebelling, and giving yourself away became common. Food took a back seat in this season. There were SO MANY NEW THINGS TO FILL MY EMPTINESS!

These years and experiences brought much damage to the spirit God had given me. I became hard and calloused. The tenderness I had as a child was exchanged for strong walls and rebellion and a false sense of power in the choices I was making. I was decieved into thinking that I was becoming powerful, when really chains and shackles were being wrapped around me everyday I lived this way. Strong holds were taking root, deep root, along with major wounds being formed from the choices I was making.

But God.....met me in rehab! I will NEVER forget that day, rocking back and forth on my bed. I was going to be staying here for the next 3 months, with no family, no friends, just a whole ton of pain that would be set before me to work through. For the next 3 months, all I would be doing, would be facing the realities of how I got to this place......

Overwhelmed and scared out of my mind, I locked my door and sobbed. How was I going to recover from this mess I made? How would I mend the relationships I had severely broken? How could I dare face the REAL me? Who would I turn to? My family was 4 hours away, I had no real friends. Who did I have?
I had grown up going to church. I was told about God, knew about Jesus.....there was something in my spirit that knew HE was THE ANSWER..... I looked up in my little closet to see that my mom had packed me a bible. If He wouldn't answer me now, then all hope is truly lost..... The bible fell open to Psalm 121. It read:

I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

God became real to me in that very moment. He WAS taking care of me. He never fell asleep, He was ALWAYS watching over me. My hope was restored like a dark room filled with sunlight. He filled me with hope that I could be restored.....

A fun post.... DON'T FORGET TO READ MY REAL LIFE STORY OF BULEMIA BELOW. PARTS 1 AND 2!

DO YOU SNORE? NOT COMPARED TO JOE!!!!
LOVER OR A FIGHTER? Both! If I had to pick one, I'd say fighter, but not in the bad way, but fighting for good things!
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR? I'm sitting here thinking.....God's been doing so much in my heart....I can't honesty think of one right now....ask me tomorrow!! haha
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER? Carebears....all the way!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"? LOVE IT! X-weighted, last 10 pounds boot camp, till debt do us part, america's best dance crew, so you think you can dance, and of course, deal or no deal!!! to name a few
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? totally! till you can't suck anything through them anymore
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? what do you think???????? I totally think so!

HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? Single? what in the world is THAT word??? I've been with Joe since I was 16!!! That's coming on 14 years!!!
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? No, but I pray. I love the shower, I think of how God washes us clean, and start everyday new.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? No, I would have 5 years ago, but I think I got old....
ANY SECRET TALENTS? I can speed clean my WHOLE house in 35 minutes! WITH LOUD MUSIC!
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? ocean, water, lakes, water, streams, water, sun, water, hot, sun, water......
HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI? YES!!!! the REAL kind! And I liked it!
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE? Yeah, but I wonder if we really do anything as a family to help it. We signed up with Curbside Recycling. So 70-80 percent of our stuff gets recycled.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? I don't like TP's
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? Why would someone want to?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE? yes! My father in law is a pilot and he's taken up in his own airplane on the farm! I was a bit scared
ARE SPEEDO'S HOT? Are you nuts? GROSS!

WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? Meat is good to eat, let's eat meat!! it's good to eat!!!
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? Till death do us part baby!
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I do!

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? Nothing

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"? This afternoon to my hubby
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? totally!
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? with hot salsa, onions, and on toast
ARE BLONDES DUMB? well, I'm smrt! so that must mean we aren't!
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? In my house somewhere!I bet even YOUR socks end up here!!
WHAT TIME IS IT? Time to get off the puter!
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? monkey face, babe, banana, thing one,
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING? somedays...yes, somedays....no...MOST days....yes
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? Both
IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL? Did you know if you spelled santa a bit different its satan! EVIL!!! (just kidding!)
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? NOT ANYMORE!!! totally used to be till a couple of years ago
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? God, the bible and exersise!
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? smooth, all the way may
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? I haven't.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? one
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? get high on GOD!!
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS? it's minus 30! DUH!
HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED? in the city, yes, if that counts.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? this afternoon when my friend morgan shed God's light on a problem! Thank you girlfriend!
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? I am blessed! Of course I do
ARE YOU PSYCHIC? no
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?no
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? no
CAN YOU SKATEBOARD? no
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? no
DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH? no, if im having a laugh attack, maybe, then I probably would throw up.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? don't need to
IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?no
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? no
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? no
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? For supper, I had a romaine salad and lentil soup.
DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH? Not usually, but I am wearing hidious purple
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? yes, I like lots of people. Who in their right mind say "no"??
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? don't watch commercials
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? no
FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT? kj-52

My bulemia story Part 2

I've been pondering my story and "part one" I've realized very definitely that this isn't about my problem with throwing up my food...
This is the story of my addiction TO FOOD. It started LONG before I first threw up my food. It started as a child, in school.

Coming home after another day of teasing and "girl abuse", there was only one thing that could make me feel better.....a big yummy snack. These were the years that developed a strong EMOTIONAL tie to food. I was solidifying pain and hurt with consoling myself with rich tastes on my tongue. I often ran into a problem. My stomach could only handle so much volume. If I wasn't emotionally done eating, my stomach was! So I remember feeling even more empty after my snacks. There was no more room to eat, so I developed strange eating habits, like licking a handful of parmasan cheese, just to keep tastes washing over my tongue. Spoonfuls of peanut butter, even munching on uncooked spaghetti sticks! As long as my mouth was happy, I was "somewhat happy".

Before I started running away from home and experimenting with drugs, food was it. I was 8,9 10 years old and going to open the fridge every few minutes. Looking at the same things on the shelves, hoping there will somthing else there to satisfy me. Opening the cupboards over and over only to find that it hasn't changed since 5 minutes ago.

When I would go for sleepovers, I would wonder why my other friends didn't care about the snack foods. The bowls of chips would just sit there, untouched....when that was all I could think about. Having some social skills, I knew that to obsess over the snacks in front of them would set me apart. I remember sleeping over at my good friend Morgan's house and I would often stay for supper. Her normal family would serve ONE pizza for the whole family!!!!!!! Morgan would pleasantly eat her one piece...sometimes two and then peaceful and satsified would leave the table. It was gut wrenching having to pretend that one or two pieces were enough for me! I was still STARVING!!!! All I would think about is the movie snack that would be coming in a few hours. The big famous brown bowl of popcorn!!!

One time, when I was around 10, we stayed at my parents friends in Edmonton. They were our pastors and had been key influences in my parents lives. I stayed with them for about a week. On my last day, I was horrified and totally embarrased to have been caught with about a dozen fudge bar wrappers under my bed! Every night in the middle of the night, I would sneak into their freezer and take 2 sometimes 3 ice cream fudge bars and eat them and stuff the wrapper under my bed. This habit of eating in the middle of the night was formed for a couple of years already, I had trained my body to need regular sugar highs every few hours!!! My body was very addicted to sugar.

Surprisingly, I actually never had a weight problem as a child. I was average build and still quite active. My weight didn't actually become a problem until I had my first child.

BUT GOD.... was there through it all. An encouraging word given to me, "It is the Lord that builds our testimony"
This story WILL bring glory and honor to God. This is for Him, I will choose to use my story to help others in the same painful bondage......

My bulemia story Part 1

Where do I start?

I guess I'll start when I started throwing up. I was 12. I actually didn't purposely throw up my food at first. When i started drinking and hanging out with older people, my nerves would cause me to get sick. The rush of running away from home, the adrenaline from breaking all the rules would give me an upset stomach. My friends knew that I upchucked my food all the time. I became known for walking along the road with my buddies and spitting into the bushes. They didn't flinch about it, they just knew that's what I did.
By the time I was 13 and experimenting with all sorts of drugs, my vomitting got worse. I was known for never keeping down my booze or my drugs. It got me used to a regular life of vomiting.

Ending up in rehab at 15, I had nothing to ease the pain anymore. I returned to my original comfort....FOOD. Checking into rehab at 110 pounds and pale as a ghost, I checked out 3 months later at 140 with gaining 30 pounds! During my stay in rehab, I continued to cry for help. I thought that becoming a bulemic would get more attention (since I was a huge vacant vacuum looking for love in all the wrong places!) I found that throwing up on purpose was a huge release for me. If I was mad, sad, confused, it was a way to "get rid of the unwanted" I found comfort in something new....food AND throwing up.
Little did I know that this was a deadly combination for the next 18 years of my life! 18 years of bondage, helplessness and little to no hope.

This was the start of this journey. These were the years as I was still growing (ages 13-16) that I developed extremely damaging body image patterns. toxic thought patterns and behaviors.

But God......

My new living room and the birthday party!!

This is a picture of the wall that turned orange. Boring white walls!


New furniture! new walls! new tables!! New area rug!!!



This is a better pic of the area rug I found. I looked everywhere!! But found it at homedepot

LOVE IT!!
After the birthday bash, our good friends chilled out for a while....
Isaiah and Nat, our friends daughter.
Auntie Corey with the one year old birthday girl. Gotta fix that red eye!
Soph-a-lope. Was happy to sit there and eat chips and cake all night!
My good friend Morgan's baby, Riley and Elishah!! Having a super cute giggle!
Uncle and Faith.
Had to have an ice cream cake AND a flour cake. super yummy
Jess and Riley. Aren't they cute?
Faith wanted pink and purple balloons, but I very nicely asked her if we could have balloons that match my new living room. She was so nice to agree!
That's it. hope you enjoyed!

Tonight is your night bro....toniiiight is your night bro, it's your night bro....

This month, my babies are a year older.....(sigh)

This is where the baby bug hits me hard and I have this desperate need to make a new baby.
But guess what????????????
No bug!!
HAHA (insert evil laugh here)

Over the past year, there hasn't been a day that goes by that I haven't thought of this once. Wondering if we should have more kids, or get fixed, or not get fixed and not have more.....

There really is a sense of peace between Joe and I that we really are done. Our family is complete. I love my kids, I love the size of our family, I love what God has given us.

My body has grown 5 babies! That's lots of stretching, stretch marks, saggy, jello-y skin but 5 beautiful blessings to show for it! There are lots of reasons why I feel done.
One of them has to do with the fact that I got pregnant in highschool at 17 years old. From 17 to 28, I've been growing and birthing babies. Now that I am on a good road to physical wellness, I am excited to spend my 30's being active with the kids I have, and enjoying feeling great!

Of course, most of you know that the last 10 years of my life (apart from the one year I managed to loose all 50 pounds before I got pregnant again) has been spent overweight, overtired, and overindulgent. I have had to grieve the loss of those prime years, knowing that I could have and should have been alot more wise with my 20's. But all I can do is learn from it, and let God truly have my 30's for His glory!


Well, that was a rabbit trail!
Tonight is Faith's 3rd, and Elishah's 1st birthday party! I have yellow, brown and orange matching balloons to match our new living room! I will post pictures of the party and our new living room. Take care all blogger friends!

1 Cor 3:11-15

For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person's work. If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames.

Chewing on this today. What this speaks to my heart is that we have salvation through Jesus. That is the foundation. It is already laid. But beyond that is up to me. What will I build on top of this foundation.??? One day, and even as I write this, God is testing what I build with fire. Honestly I'm thinking of the three little pigs. The houses that the pigs built were tested and were really shown what they were made of.

I want to build with great quality. I want to pick the most precious jewels. My most valuable assets. I am reminded of what I'm reading in James that I need to believe and not have any hint of doubt, or I am a double minded person. I am starting to realize how precious our faith is to God! I think to Him, these are the precious stones we lay. To trust, believe and have unwaivering faith....like a child. To him this is as precious as gold.

Oh, yeah, and now I'm reminded of that passage in 1 Peter!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

chewing on Galatians chapter 5

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. He didn't die on the cross and suffer so we could be slaves again! So don't ever ALLOW yourself to be burdened AGAIN by the yoke of slavery. It's apparent that once we are saved by faith, we are then set free, but could easily ALLOW ourselves to return back to bondage.
Then paul says to stop trying to live under law. If we are going to choose circumsicision, (that is to be under law) then we are bound to the whole law. (Like I said in a previous post, this is where I would be stoned to death!) And if we are trying to live by law, then we have fallen from grace and Christ died for nothing! It is impossible to live by the law perfectly.

But this is key verse for me: verse 5 But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope.

So it is truly out of my spirit that I live out of. I think i really am starting to grasp this. (I'm trying not to beat myself up for it taking so darn long to learn the basics of living in Christ)
Through the spirit, my hope for true righteousness can be lived THROUGH FAITH.
I never realized how much faith is required to walk this. It's a constant choice to believe what God says about me, about Him and His destiny for me.

Terry read one of the most intense chapters of the bible yesterday, but it was very encouraging because it was what God has been sharing with me in the last while about the freedom in the law.
It was levitcus chapter 18. The do's and don't of sex....mostly don'ts! and how many people would have to be put to death for these types of sins.... The key that stood out to me was the end verse which said that to obey the laws was to LIVE by them. And Terry put very good words to this verse....
TO LIVE BY THEM is to HAVE LIFE IN THE LAWS.
Like the seatbelt story of mine. 200$ ticket sucked, but the seatbelt may save my life one day!
God's laws are to bring life and FREEDOM.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me, and that's all that matters is that God's will brings fruit in my life.

I I Corinthians 5:17

In Christ, I am a new creation!

The old has gone!!

The new has come!!!

comparing the Word to weight watchers!

"Do not merely listen to the Word and so decieve yourselves. DO what it says. anyone who listens to the Word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. but the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he las heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does.
(James 1:22-25)

I am pondering this (along with all of james) God is really bringing the Word to life in so many areas. This was a new thought I had this morning. Now God has led me to this verse.

I've been thinking about law and grace. Jesus came to fulfill the law, not to abolish it. I think i may be getting this. Because when you read through the old testament, you will read many many laws and how the people of God had to sacrifce animals in order to atone their sins. I thank God often that I don't live in "preJesus" times. I either would have been stoned or ran out of rams to sacrifice!

Abraham's faith was credited to him as righteousness. He believed in God, that faith coupled with faith in action was credited as righteousness.
So what was the law for, if we are no longer "under law" but under grace?

I started comparing it to Weight Watchers. Seems funny, but it fits.
When I first started WW, I was WAY off the wagon. At nearly 200 pounds, eating out of control and had no idea where to start, I followed the WW's laws.

At first I spent all my time consuming most of my thoughts with learning the laws. How many points was this? WOW!!! A DONUT IS 6 POINTS!! I had no idea! Oh WOW, THIS is good for me?

Then I spend my time practicing the laws on a daily basis. writing down everything I ate, until after a few months, I didn't have to look in my WW book anymore. I had memorized the point laws. I could just eat and count, without too much effort.

The Word above in James says that the law gives freedom. I've heard that most of my christian life. That Jesus came to give freedom THROUGH the law.
I think I'm starting to wrap my brain ( I mean spirit) around this.
The laws of God are there for our own good, our own protection. They bring blessings and peace. I think of when I got my 200$ seat belt ticket! I was ticked for a moment, but then rememebered that this law was put in place to SAVE MY LIFE!
God's laws are the same. And have many more abundant promises to them.

Now, with ALL the awesome laws i've learned from WW, I have been given many tools. I could "count points" till I was 101 years old. But to be honest, that would kinda suck! Or, of course I could choose to not follow the laws (but then I'd be 200 pounds again and very depressed) God would still love me. But God wants to show me how to live in freedom. I don't count anymore, because I counted for SO LONG, that I know what a healthly eating day should generally look like. I don't need those strict boundries anymore.

Now about God's law:
I have the law in my heart. I carry it with me. Just like after I've looked in the mirror. But instead of following the law out of duty, and carry out the cycle of behavior modification, I do what the law says, because I BELIEVE what it says. I trust it. I know the God of this word is blessing me through it. I can see now that God is pleasure not the other way around!

James 1: 21 says to humbly accept the word PLANTED in you, which can save you!
in verse 18 it says that God chose to give me new birth through the word of truth.
I think the answer is in the word.....duh!!!

A satisfied heart pt 4

So, I've been asking myself how do I get off this stupid dead end road of behavior modification???

I have gotten pretty good at looking the part on the outside. But who am I when no one is looking? I have come to a place where I am tired of playing the part. I want freedom. I want it so bad, that I'm willing to DO whatever it takes.
I have dedicated the last 7 days (today being the 8th) to renew my mind, repent of lies, rewrite truth on my heart. I don't care what it costs, I know the God i serve is big enough to set me free! And I know without a doubt that someday, I will be helping others someday with the same battle!
These are some of the things God has shown me:

Most of my behavior was a product of how I saw myself. The way I saw myself caused me to function in effortless motion.
In order to get out of this mess, I HAVE to experience the great exchange!: My life for His, and His realities! It is His opinion; therefore it is His reality....including the thousands of promises He has made to mankind. A person doesn't experience these promises because we beg God, we experience them when they become part of our reality! When we accept His view and opinion as our own, we become infused with that reality.

Through repentance faith and truth, I can be set free just like that!

I have God's promise that I am loved hidden in my heart and I don't have to live up to my own expectations of efficiency or the fear of failing. I have now been introduced to the power of transformation! The vicious cycle of trying hard to change finally gives way to a journey of truth with a transformed heart!

A satisfied heart pt 3 comments please!!!

Is this how you feel when it comes to walking your christian walk?

Most people grow up with a paradigm about pain and pleasure that could not be further from the truth!
In a nutshell, it is this:
I need to make good choices. So, I choose to live for Go have to give up the pleasures that make the world fun. I'll be a martyr and sacrifice. It's my duty. At least I'll be going to heaven one day.
So this person goes about making the hard, yet better, choices. Temptation comes their way and their "pleasure antennas" are alerted. Oh, that would feel so good! Maybe I'll just do it once. It's so enticing, so seducing, so satisfying! After several compromises, thier guilty conscience kicks in and they kick themselves and turn back to the Lord. They face their walk of pain once again. Until the next promise of pleasure passes by!

To be honest, I have sadly spent alot of my walk with Jesus this way. This is the very reason that people don't want to have anything to do with Jesus. They see so many of us, me very much included, "denying ourselves" from what we REALLY want. Who wants that? DIdn't Jesus promise freedom? Joy? peace? love? and life in abundance? Then why are so many of us not walking in those things? It's all about wrong thinking. This behavior modification. The lie that keeping us trapped in these patterns! It's not truly knowing the truth about what God has said about sin.

No condemnation from the last paragraph. It's just something to think about.
But I'm so excited to share the freedoms that God is showing me!! But not yet! This cycle in my life is being broken! this cycle of lies, deceit and death. I am just writing a little bit at a time. Write more tomorrow!!!!! Is there anyone out there where this is really hitting some heart strings? Tell me what you think of what I'm sharing! I would love to walk this with some of my blogger friends!

Blessings on you and yours today!

A satisfied heart pt 2

living a life of behavior modification

There are pleanty of self-help products around that promise to give you practical ways to change your behavior and enjoy a great life and successful relationships. They require a lot of self-implementation and will work, but they are all about behavior modification.

As long as you work the system you feel pretty good. You begin to gain a great amount of identity and success and fulfillment from your accomplishments! Unfortunately, these methods work only as long as you discipline yourself to perform and to remember the to-do list!

What's exalted and put on the pedestal is self.....the same self that comes crashing down when you forget or fail to perform!

You become self-judging because you have wrapped your identity and worth in what you have been able to accomplish.

A satisfied heart

I have been reading this book that is excellent! I am going to share little pieces of it each day for something to chew on, mull over and think about. It's actually a marriage book, but to lay a foundation, the first part of the book deals with our OWN personal relationship with our Father.

A satisfied heart gives without measure, simply beacause it has recieved so much.
A satisfied heart is generous because fulfillment and contentment banish all selfishness.

You are exceptional, purposeful and irresistible. You may not believe these things about yourself, but the treasures of your true identity and your intrinsic value and hidden in the depths of your heart. You will discover them when you heart is satisfied in God, for it is then that you will be able to cease from struggling and striving and know your place of rest and peace.

what 11 years ago looked like....

Feb 5, 1997

9:00 am
I woke up full of anticipation...

Yesterday, I went saw my dr. for my weekly prenatal appointment. I was officially overdue. I was due on the 31st of January. The dr. listened to my unborn son's heart beat and it was going strong. Everything looked like it was ready at anytime.

She took me into her office to tell me her game plan.

"Sarah, I would like to send you to the hospital for a 'non stress test'. It's a routine check up we do before we go ahead and induce a mother. I would like you to go to RUH tomorrow and get checked over and if everything looks great, I will induce you on Friday morning"

Friday???!!! I'm for sure going to have a baby on Friday???!!! WOW, my heart was beating so fast. Nervous for my first labor, yet totally excited to meet my first son!

So this morning, I was so excited becuase I got to have ANOTHER ULTRASOUND! I loved those things! Joe and I packed up and went to the hospital for our scheduled stress test. When we got there. They hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor. Caleb's heart was beating.....

12:00pm
But as time went on, they started offering me juice, food and telling me to change sides. They said that baby's heart was not fluctuating. (your baby's heart should see a wide range of numbers, beating fast, then slow....that shows that your baby is active and happy in your womb)

2:30pm
I was still enjoying all the attention. Joe and my sister sat beside me, keeping me company. Then after a while, the nurses still didn't look happy. So they called in some more dr.'s for their opinion. I was still pretty laid back and relaxed. Nothing was going to be wrong with MY baby. Nothing ever went wrong in my life. Never broke a bone, I got my period at the "text book time", I had straight teeth, good hearing, no allergies or skin problems. I was healthy.

4:30 pm
We moved to an ultrasound room to check on our baby. As far as I was concerned, it was exciting to see him again! I was happy to go and see him. As I laid on the bed and the tech was giving Caleb a good look, she too went and got more people. More dr.'s came in and out of the room. As time went on, I saw them whispering out in the hall. They were able to get a super big close up of Caleb's hand in the womb. His hand was all spread out with 5 beautiful fingers. But they wanted him to move. So they had this loud little buzzer that they put right near Caleb's head and tried to see if we could startle him into moving his hand......no twitching, no movement....

5:00pm
That's when I realized something was wrong. I just laid there, heart beating, not having a clue what was going to happen next. Even more Dr.'s came on the scene and more whispers were happening. Finally, they addressed Joe and I.
"We would like to induce your labor right away. We have reason to believe that your baby may be in serious trouble."
"TROUBLE? what kind of trouble?"
"He is showing signs of distress. He isn't moving the way we would like"
"So what are you going to do?"
"We would like to take you to a delivery room and break your water to induce labor"

Oh my gosh!! THIS WAS IT! I didn't have 2 more days. It wasn't going to be Friday like my dr said, it was going to be today! Totally scared of labor and afraid for my baby, I was in panic mode, but still trying to roll with the punches and stay cooperative.

5:30pm
Now in a delivery room, waiting for who knows what.....naked with a little gown on, cold, exposed, scared to death.
there seemed to be a million people in my room! dr's, nurses, my bed had a sea of people.
It was time. The doc approached me and said, "I would like you to bring your heels up to your bottom and let your knees fall to your sides. Try to relax. (YEAH RIGHT!) I'm going to break your water now."
All I kept thinking at that point was my prenatal class. They said that if your water is green or red, your baby is in serious trouble.
I kept thinking, "please, don't let it be green, please not green....I bet it's going to be green......please......"
SLOOSH>>>>>>
I lifted my head to see the color....
GREEN WITHOUT QUESTION!
I flopped my head back. Honestly, I can't tell you what I was thinking at this point, there was no time. All the doc's started literally running around, talking loud now, they didn't care if I heard what they were saying anymore.
I heard, "1,2,3...." on to a bed with wheels.

Running down the hall with me on a stretcher. Joe was told to get his greens on. I didn't even know where they were taking me, until I saw the sign on the ceiling....OR......
Oh, my gosh, I'm going to have a C section???
"1,2,3" on to another bed and a bunch of doc's in green. I was bawling, what was going on??????????

The doc said, okay i need you to count backwards from 10.....
"10, 9, 8........I felt them cut me open!!! they were cutting my stomach before I was out!!!
7, 6...............faded out........

6:24pm
Totally uncontious, Caleb william waldherr was brought into this world. Not crying, not breathing, not a beating heart. They revived my son and saved his life. He scored 1 or 2 on the apgar. he was blue. he was almost dead.....

I don't remember what day it was or what time it was when I woke up. I just remember being totally out of it. i opened my eyes to see I was in a hospital room with an iv pole. I don't even remember who was at my bed side. The first thing I remember is Joe had a small poleroid picture of our son from down in the NICU. He showed it to me and said, "this is our son"


(this obviously wasn't the pic he showed me) but this is what he looked like.

That is the story of Caleb's birthday.
The diagnosis:

My placenta had signs of being "old", they told us. They said that it came away from the wall of the uterus and broke baby, mother blood cycle. Caleb on that day, lost 80% of his blood. He was given a blood transfusion at birth. His brain suffered a very serious injury being without oxygen for that long. because of that, he had severe Cerebral Palsy.
We were immensly blessed that God gave him to us for 9 years. He taught us more than you could imagine.
I miss my son today.
I miss his squeal, his breathing, his kicking, his peacefulness, his patience.

I miss his room, his bed, his smell. His pee pads, his big diapers, his med packs.

I miss the school bus, his "winter coat" that he would spit up on everyday, his foot splints.

Giving him baths, scubbing his stinky little head and shaving it too. cutting his nails, cleaning his mouth with a toothette.

his standing frame, all the lights in his room, the glowing words on his ceiling.

I miss being able to push him with 3 other kids loaded on to his wheelchair. Running with him in the grass.

taking him into the hotub and watching him turn to melted goo. I miss how he would point out his big toe when he got excited along with both his arms.

I miss his stinky breath, stinky hands and the smell of his pillow.

I miss stubbing my toe on his wheelchair, trying to get down the hallway with laundry on the floor. I lifting him in and out of the van. I miss taking him to the dr. I miss everything today.

I see him eating cake in heaven with Jesus. Dancing a dance floor made of gold.
Having a choir of angels sing him happy birthday. Happy birthday son. we love you, we miss you and I will see you again soon.

caleb's birthday

my son would have been 11 in a week.....

i have no words.....
just remember him today and for the next week.

Why I am thankful today

I am thankful for:

A God that has chosen to come down from His throne, make himself a man, take nails that I deserved in my place....all to give me freedom. May I make Christ's sacrifice beautiful today!

All my 5 children. the blessing of being able to have them and raise them, teaching them everything the Lord has commanded us.....making little disciples....

My husband, a man of God, who fears and loves the Lord. Who strives towards righteousness in family, work and in the church body.

My extended family. Who all know and love God. Miracles have happened in my mom! There has been repentance and some real fruit from her life. My sister and my brother in law. Both who have been amazing friends, travelling buddies on this narrow road, and have given me the bestest nephew and niece EVER!

Friends that I love so much! Morgan, Steph and Jessy, Kari have been dear to my heart these days. There are many others too, but these friends, God has placed closer than ever for this season.

My blogger support. Without you, I wouldn't be blogging. All of you encourage me and challenge me to move forward.

The snow that is falling. To remind us that we are white as snow. just as we are. He loves us.

So what have I been doing?

1. Working really hard on my journey of losing weight. I have not missed a day since january 2nd in running on my parents treadmill. I go every second day for 30 minutes. I really enjoy that time to myself.

The problem is that you have to COMBINE diet and excercise to loose weight. I have been making some good changes during the day, but at night I really struggle. I want to snack on bad things, and alot of times, I give in. So I've only lost in 3 weeks, a meesly 3.5 pounds.

Trying to stay focused on not giving up and keeping my heart in check and in sync with the Lord. I've gotten rid of much of my music this week and replaced it with some praise worship techno. I trust that God will fill all that I need when it comes to my needs with music. (i'm kinda picky with the beat that I like to work out to)

2. Homeschool, of course! It was a nice december break, baking.....eating! :0 making crafts and enjoying family time. Right back into our schedule with a few more additions to the mix. Noah has a new social studies program that we started half way through the year, so the pressure is on to get caught up so he can finish the grade 3 package. Isaiah is determined to pick up cursive writing! It's so funny how they can be so different. I can still barely read noah's printing, but Isaiah is ready and we're going for it! She is still in the process of learning to read. But things will be much easier when she masters that.

3. This is lame.....but I have to say it....
I've changed my laundry schedule! YIPPEE! when you have a family of 6, laundry scheduling is top priority. You do NOT have the option to leave laundry to chance. So, for the last year, I've been doing it ONCE A WEEK! can you imagine? 9 loads all piled into a mountain calling to be conquered! All day to wash and all the next day to fold and put away.
The pro? I didn't ahve to look at it for the rest of the week!
The new schedule? One or two loads everyday. I was so sick of the mountain! I'm one of those pendulum swingers that need serious change to motivate me! Now there are 5 piles on the laundry room floor. Girls clothes, noah's clothes, socks and cloths, towels, and a pile for mine and joe's clothes.
So when Noah's pile builds up, his clothes go in and come out, he flods them and puts them away! EASY PEESY!
I can't stand to open the dryer and have things from every single room! this way, it's simplified and the kids can pick up the slack if it's their clothes coming out of the dryer.
Joe has appreciated not spending our weekends climbing mount laundrest.

4. Life group.
Joe and I have a life group at our home every tuesday. So much to say, but not free to. Other than we are being stretched, pulled, cooked, and being blessed beyond measure. it's a challenged being that we've never done this before, but are praying that God's will be done and His kingdom come. all it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed. I think where it's stretching us the most is our marriage. Learning to work as a team on a different game board. Staying in the word on a daily basis with 4 kids is a challenge, but is a must!!!!!

5. my mother..........
things still remain hard here. I have all these areas that I wish would change but they are out of my hands. The choices are up to my mom.....and most of the time, she chooses not to choose them. but how does god work? HE WORKS WITH YOU! what he wants YOU to do. MY attitude to it. And honestly, I fail it seems everytime! so hard to watch someone get sicker and sicker. If you feel led to pray for my mom and our family, your prayers would be wonderful.

well, that's some of what's going on, hope everyone is well, if you're still around and reading my blog, pop me a comment to say hi.
sarah/carbear

i'm still here

thanks nin, for speaking so clearly. Just exactly what I wanted to say!.....;) (in my comment box, she was so kind as to speak on my behalf....in her own words, that did not match mine AT ALL!!!!)

Just so happens that my hubby's blog and mine are on the same password, and he has a CRAZY password!
I haven't been able to log on!

Taking a blogger break has been nice tho.
On the contrary of what nin says I'm doing....school is busy and our life group is keeping us on our toes.

Not much else to say, then "i'm back"
i think that's the longest i've gone without posting!