My song for this season

You look around
It's staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under?
You wonder

What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water too

So get out
And let
Your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste
Don't wait
Don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for
I know you're not sure
So you play it safe
Try to run away

If you take that first step
Into the unknown
He won't let you go

STEP OUT
Even when a storm hits
STEP OUT
Even when you're broken
STEP OUT
Even when your heart is telling you telling you to give up
STEP OUT
When your hope is stolen
STEP OUT
You can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid

So what are you waiting,
What are you waiting for?

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water...
Walk on the water too

Britt Nicole-Walk on the Water

finding balance

over the last several years, I started a journey. towards health, fitness, and wholeness.....never woulda thought that the road would be what it has been! I've gone through back trails and side trails, hit road blocks, and downhills to speed up the process too! I've gone off road, and even sat in the middle of the road.

My heart is mixed with selfishness and a desire to follow after God. Mixed with pain and woundedness and a courage and bravery that comes from God......I've been reflecting on the journey in the last while, with a desire for new eyes, a new passion to walk the right road. I wish the path was simple, but hopefully, it's complexity is bringing fruit and growth.

I'll start back when I decided to start running. My heart wanted to be healthy and learn spiritual truths through physical parallel's. A year after my running started, I stopped throwing up my food! On Feb 5th 2008(my son, Caleb's birthday) I threw up my food for the last time, another big step towards healing and wholeness. After that point, I was literally held accountable for everything I put in my mouth. Which was a HUGE mind shift for me!

8 months after my last bulimic episode, my husband walked out the door. Fortunately and unfortunately, this wounded me very deeply. Having to walk through deep things have been so painful, yet I'm starting to become grateful for the opportunity to heal and build new foundations. After hearing a huge blow of betrayal fall of 2008, my walk in health and fitness took a turn for the worse. My dreams of following God's heart became a desperate need to fix myself. Fix my body, and loose weight. My eating has suffered some unhealthy patterns and my trips to the gym became twisted and sick.

Fighting through the "winding road" to balance, health and wholeness, has taken me pretty much in every direction. Even though I have still not thrown up my food, I have obssesively used the gym to purge calories, I have borderlined on anorexia, I have even put money under my matress (fall of 2008) to save for plastic surgery!

Reflecting on the last 6 months, I think I see some growth....i think ;) Mexico was very healing for me, it was also in a time period where food had no hold on me. I could eat and enjoy it. I would workout and enjoy it. God has shown me small tastes of freedom only for me to take my life into my own hands and save myself. Ending in painful dead ends, I am learning (the hard way---as usual) which roads cause massive pain. (note to self DON"T TRY TO SAVE YOURSELF<>

By November, I was building myself into a strong powerhouse. Moving up weights, running farther and faster than ever. All the while, empty as hell. I started getting really frustrated with myself because i was still eating more calories than I needed which was fueling my "need" to be at the gym. Wanting so badly to control my eating, I still focused on my gym efforts, because that's what made me feel strong.

End of November, I got sick. Very sick. The gym had to wait. But with my poor eating habits, I was getting paranoid that the calories weren't getting burned off. 3 weeks go by and not a single trip to the gym. As I start feeling better, I decide to give the gym a try......BAD MISTAKE. Even tho I felt semi-fine, my body was NOT ready for a huge full body workout. My body needed that last bit of energy to heal, instead it was used to repair all the muscles I just ripped. Bang! a full body relaspe! sick for another 4 weeks! At this point, I didn't even want to go back! I was tired and had no energy. My life's schedule was now used to not going to the gym and Xmas was here and there was no time. I could feel my clothes getting tighter, but God was speaking to me.

I believe that God used that time of sickness for 2 things. He showed me that I won't DIE if i don't go to the gym. and second, to show me that I can't save myself. He has brought me to a deeper level of surrender as I now step on scale to see I've gained 10 pounds.

Now to walk out of this with greater balance, greater wisdom, greater surrender....I am now counting my calories for some structure and going to the gym, NOT to burn calories, but to be healthy.....
I have a long way to go. I just want to be normal. I want to eat and enjoy, I want to workout and have fun. I don't want weight, size, food, the gym to consume me. I want to be free, and I believe I'm getting closer to that.....

31 and falling apart

Okay, so last night sucked ass!

After supper, heart burn started even before bed. after drinking 4 doses of pepto, was able to fall asleep till 4:30am
Drinking another 3 doses of pepto, sleeping SITTING UP on my couch till 7:30. I try everything. I'm on meds that are for people with ulcers and reflux disease.....

It's just so discouraging that for once in my life I am pursuing health and fitness. Beginning my very first career in fitness training and i feel like my body is falling apart. I'm supposed to see a specialist about this and my Dr. seems to think I'm going to need surgery!

Who woulda thunk that those years of bulimia would cause such extreme health problems! So strange that my problems started AFTER I stopped throwing up. makes no sense to me. It will be 2 years on February 5 since I have had an episode WHICH IS FRIGGEN AMAZING! but.....I have to live with such pain now :(
I told Joe and my sis the other day that I would rather gain some weight again, then go back to that life!!! And I know myself well enough to know that if I throw up JUST ONCE.....that's it....it's game over for me, i'll be back to where I was, throwing up everyday.... YUCK!

But in the meantime.....I can't help thinking that by the time I'm 50, what kind of problems will i have then with my liver? my stomach, my bowels??? People that are 50 have my kind of problems, not 30 year olds....

I just wish I could go back and 'figure it out' sooner.....but some people have to learn the hard way :( There's this one line of a song that says, "make something beautiful out of all this suffering" I wish I could see a purpose in all this.....

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me decide.

According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.

Since I'm being brutally honest....why stop now?

So, after my weekend melt down, a tiny part of courage in me says "yes" to a secular music fast that Joe suggests. Joe asks me how long, "a week?" "I think it's going to take a lot longer than a week to plow through this" So on Sunday, we started a secular music fast. How long will it be for?....i don't know yet.....

I'm not doing this because I think secular music is evil or that anyone that listens to it is going to hell. I'm doing this for these reasons:

I am starving to death. Over the last few months, I have lost my desire to listen to anything worship or praise related. I have realized in small parts that the music I choose, feeds a hurting part of me. it band-aids my hurts in a 'quick fix' type of way. It feeds me the messages that I can do it by myself! That I don't need anyone and can't trust anyone. Some of my music makes me feel sexy and powerful.

I've gone on many food fasts before, but have never experienced a fast with something OTHER than food that I was so TIED to! You don't realize how much you are glued to something until you take it away. I am actually going through withdrawals! There are many times that ALL I want to do is turn on a certain song to get lost, escape, to fill myself with a false sense of self confidence. I've had one slip this week. I was on my way somewhere, when I wondered what was on the other stations. I quickly checked on C95 and my latest favorite song was playing! Oh, I couldn't turn it off! I decided to just listen to this one song and that was it. It was so eye opening to see me come alive! I got all pumped up, excited, was singing in my car.....God has been so good to open my eyes and to pursue this broken, messed up human being. I can't believe He actually is.

This year hasn't been easy. But I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel. My world from MY perspective it's went from white to black and then back to white, when actually in real reality went from black to white. The hurt in our marriage turned my world to black when I found out about it, but then I got a brand spankin new husband! From the moment he repented, he hasn't been the same. Walking a clear non wavering, no doubt in my mind that he has changed! I didn't know I was actually living in black until God redeemed it, back to white. Having a spiritually strong and stable husband is all new to me! Having Joe step in places that I felt alone before is awesome, but at the same time, it's disorientating. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself! It's like I'm having to find myself all over again, in light of my new husband! It's a sweet way to loose yourself of course! I can't imagine if he hadn't come back home and walked away from us for good! What would I even look like then???!!!!!

All this shaking of my world has left me very confused and disorientated. Finding my way through the stages of grief, all the way up to now, where I am slowly allowing God to come back into my heart on very real terms. I am back to learning how to spoon feed myself simple worship songs. Learning to stop swearing at the lyrics and embracing the messages of hope and love.

My pastors wife, (AN AWESOME WOMAN!!) was here for coffee and I said, "I can't believe how this music fuels me!" Her answer was quick and pointed, "of course that makes sense! you are a worshiper, God has placed that in you, no wonder the other side feeds you like it does!" I miss dancing before God. Will I ever again? I miss my pretty white dress, will I be able to wear it for my daddy God? If you read this, please pray that I will have to courage and strength to contiune this fast as long as it takes for God to soften my heart, redeem and heal what's there.

Here it goes.......New light on a sick and twisted way of living

Whatever about people judging me. You can think whatever you want when you read my blog. I find writing helps me sort things out and maybe, just maybe, it may help someone out there not to make all my flippin mistakes.

So my latest stupid thing came out this weekend. And i hate it. God told me something so ridiculous that I don't even know what to say or how to respond yet. For a while, I've been crying out to him, "where are you!!!!!!?, why aren't you helping me???? answering me??? speaking to me???? rescueing me?" He says to me, "cause you don't need me. You are your own saviour. You aren't in need of a saviour." I had some words with him. Somewhere this summer, I didn't feel safe with him any longer. I felt that he was not protecting me, and that he HADN"T protected me. If He was trustworthy, than he would have saved me BEFORE all the shit hit the fan. I was very very honest with him and poured out my hurt and abandonment to him and left it at that. I have never really experienced this in my walk with God before. Maybe I have, but not in such an obvious way. Somwhere in the last 6 months, I chose to no longer trust God and trust in myself. After all, I know me and can control the outcomes of life (or so I thought)

With my last post, I shared that I have blamed myself for alot of things and have also not forgiven myself for things I have done. So you mix those two things with being your own saviour......hmmmmm......things just keep getting worse.

I cried one night to Joe. The things pouring out of my heart were, "I feel like I'm dying a slow death. I feel like the more I try to find my life, i loose it (hmmm, sound familiar?)

I wake up everyday (in my mind) In a big hole! In a whole ton of debt. Someone needs to pay for the offense. I'm to blame for this that and the other thing. If you weren't ____ than ____ wouldn't have happened. Not to mention that if I would only loose the last BLASTED 10 pounds, than life would be grand! So I become the saviour. I am the only one that can be trusted to get myself out of this mess (or so I think)
I get up every day and get on the scale. It's confirmed, I'm in debt and work needs to be done. I go to the gym and kill many birds with one stone. In the moments of working out, I feel empowered, in control, safe in my own hands. I am able to push myself farther each time to prove to myself that I can am strong enough and don't need anyone else. I see myself get stronger each week which (for only those moments) increases a false security in this body that will one day turn to dust.

On deeper levels, I kick the shit out of myself, punish myself, hurt myself.....to pay for the deeds done. To pay for what "was my fault" What does keep me running that extra lap? Lifting those extra pounds? Knowing that I deserve the pain, and somewhere I've been whipping myself, thinking that eventually, the debt will be gone....but it never is.
Another level that working out touches is I get to 'run away' from life just for a while. I can get lost in a world of music, and concentrate on the pain infront of me. If my legs hurt, who the hell cares? I'd rather my legs burn like hell than my heart ache from real life)

Writing this out, I feel like vomitting. How does a person get so messed up? Or better yet, how in the heck does a person get OUT of this mess?

At the ladies retreat at church, I didn't sing a single word of a worship song. I sat there trying to find my way through a maze of emotions and confusion. With my feet resting on a chair across from me....I was staring at my shoes. Cause, who woulda guessed? I brought my workout garb to the ladies retreat, just incase I could fit in a workout......which I did. 80 flights of stairs and a shitload of wall squats made me feel happy for the moment. But later that night, when the workout is done and my heart is still hurting......and women are singing their hearts out to God....I'm sitting there....starring at my stupid shoes. The shoes that I live in. that I almost feel enchained to. The shoes that tell me what I need to do, how long I need to do it.

Somewhere inside, I know that God is good. And that I will make it through this, make things right, and be stronger than I ever was IN HIM.... I know I'm willing. well, most of the time.... :P Somewhere down the line, I will be helping others, speaking to them their VALUEABLE WORTH in God and how much they are loved, unconditionally. Because I will know, I will have walked it, wrestled it, and overcame it.......I know I will.....

These are the newest, grossest revelations that my God has given me. Apparently God hasn't given up on me yet.....is there hope for me? I .....hope.....so......

A new door to walk through

This healing journey never has dull moments. This last year, God has taken me all over the map.
From healing childhood memoires, to experiencing deep grief over life, to laughing with joy with my hubby-to crying a deep deep anguish with him too. Finding out all that's inside of me has been exciting, scary, painful, joyful, numbing,....etc.....

In Mexico, in the middle of our honeymoon, God opens up a door. A door that opened 4 hours of crying and pain. I am slowly entering this door. Courageously and most times scared shitless. Inside this door, I have found a few things that need to be cleaned out and sorted through. The first words that met me with a mountain wave of pain was, "IT WAS NOT MY FAULT" Saying it out loud was unbearable. To actually believe it---well, that has yet to come.

As I step one foot infront of the other into this room, I am met with other things. "I NEED TO FORGIVE MYSELF" Who knew? Until I stepped foot in this door, I thought I was resentful for other reasons, but as I squeemishly go inside, I'm seeing that I have a strong root of bitterness towards MYSELF! I am ENRAGED at times at myself! It comes out like a force as strong as a hurricane. Tapping into these deep feelings have been painful to say the least.

The two go hand in hand, and I don't know how God will sort this out. Blaming myself for what's happened in our marriage and pinning all my wrongs and faults to it is like mixing gasoline and fire. It's a recipe for self hatred, condemnation and self sabotage. It's like giving the devil a baseball bat and saying, "here, hit me with this"

Both God and Joe are lovingly speaking the truth that it wasn't my fault and that I NEED to forgive myself. I was young, I was immature, I was giving birth to baby after baby! My coping skills were narrowed down to big macs and a toilet bowl. My knowledge was limited to dropping out of highschool in order to raise a severely disabled child! Basic life skills were never modelled or taught to me. My relationship and marriage began in a foundation after DRUG REHAB loaded with truck loads of baggage! My resources were amazing and I know have been a huge reason as to why we are still together and a true God send!

(As a side note: People that struggle with, "Oh, I don't have a really cool testimony with drugs, sex and rock and roll....I wish I had cool stories of rescue...." DON'T EVER WISH ON YOURSELF IN A MILLION BILLION TRILLION YEARS! The pain is NOT worth the "cool stories" The consequences last you will into your life......and for those who are reading this that are dabbling in drugs, sex, and all that "FUN STUFF"....STOP!!!!!!! NOW!!!!! If I knew you, knew what you were doing, I'd slap you....and that is that.)

As we continue to root out piles of crap, I think that maybe, soon, we will see the bottom of the porcelain bowl. Hopefully, we aren't taking any new dumps into the already rawnchy smelling mound. Hopefully, God is in this crap somewhere. Digging around in it, sometimes doesn't really feel like He is, but somewhere, deep deep down inside, I know He is.......

Who wants to hear a lice story? (Caution....swear words in post)

Day one:
I'm drying Isaiah's hair before school....I see something move......I look.......it moves again, along with other things that are moving.....
My FIRST WORD: "SHIT!" I walk away from the child, stomping my foot into the floor, saying, "shit, shit shit!"
Walk towards the girl, in disbelief....I have to check again! This can't be happening!!!! More lice "SHIT!" (pounding my hand with a fist) again.....I walk away from the girl.
Phone my sister (she's on pickup for school) She answers,
"Hello?"
"SHIT!"
"WHAT!?"
"SHIT.......WE > HAVE > LICE!" ........
Nin responds...."shit..." (It's become the word of the day)
(Later I profusely apologize to my girl for swearing and reassure her that it's not her fault)
Look in Noah's head, more bugs! K, now I'm freaking out! and call Joe. "We are INFESTED with lice!"

Pull off ALL bedding, all blankets, all coats, all towels, all clothes, pretty much anything and everything you can wash and form the biggest, most largest mountain my laundry room has EVER seen! Start with NIX........Treat everyone in the family......the result? Still live bugs!
Buy a BIG jar of mayo and slop copious amounts of it and crown it with lovely saran wrap. Sit for 5 hours........with grease dripping down our necks, the kids can't take another minute........ STILL LIVE BUGS!!!!

DAY 2: K......need to do something desperate! SHAVE NOAH"S HEAD! There! He's done! The two younglins are clean. But Isaiah, I'm NOT going to shave her head. So Isaiah and I dye our hair! It seems like that worked! No more live bugs. YAAA! Spend 2 HOURS picking out about 20 eggs. Feel like we're getting somewhere.

Day 3: I'm doing the routine laundry. drying ALL bedding so that the heat kills anything. Vacuuming couches, floors and mattresses. Some people may think this is over kill...... Do the daily routine check on Isaiah, and find 2 eggs! Did I miss them? Cause I SWEAR, I picked them all out the day before...but I guess I missed them..... Go to the top of her head....A DAMN LIVE BUG!!!! Where the %$#@ did he come from? Did this bug hatch overnight and lay 2 eggs? How did this bug survive all this treatment? Did she pick it up from a couch? A bed....that was vacuumed?

Each day, everyone gets a pure tea tree oil head treatment. We leave it on for 30 minutes with a shower cap on to hopefully kill and prevent reinfestation. Go to nit pick Isaiah....and find 7 more eggs! Will this ever end? Did I MISS them? Or did a bug lay these eggs?
Over the next 2 days, I do find an egg here and there on Isaiah, but no bugs. on day 5....NO MORE EGGS!

Tomorrow marks the 7th day and hopefully the day of completion. Tomorrow we again all treat ourselves, just to be sure. Isaiah has taken this all in stride. All the sitting and picking and washing and losing all their dear stuffties....

Pondering on all this experience, I have never been on the other side of lice before. It's opened my eyes to a few things. I will share that in the next post.

Thankful

Sitting here, checking my email....

I get a short and sweet message from my hubby that has been in Regina for a Promise Keepers convention that reads:

I miss you too, God is good. see you tonight.
Joe

It just hits me. I stare at the message. My eyes well up with tears. My heart is overwhelmed with the weight of these words. Why?

A little over a year ago, Joe walked out. For the first week, I had no idea IF he would ever come back. Joe and I communicated through emails for the first while. Each letter was cold, hard and calloused. Each letter broke my heart to read......
During our separation, I would sit at the computer and stare at his emails....and cry.....
I didn't know where he was, how I could even reach him, all he had to do was turn his phone off and he was forever disconnected from me.

Ironically, just 1/2 hour ago, I was sitting eating lunch when my heart cried out, "GOD....please don't let me go back to the way things were. Don't let all this be for nothing.....please make us into an amazing testimony that makes a difference. Don't let all this pain dump down a black hole"
......Only to sit down and have God open my eyes to a short, simple email. He showed me that we are a miracle. We weren't supposed to make it! We should be divorced! I should be alone....
But I'm not. By God's grace and mercy, Joe is building the most amazing relationships with the guys in our circle. He has a renewed passion for life and is filled with purpose. He leads us, loves us, cherishes us. I have a new husband!

The plane did crash....yes. I sometimes get mad that the plane had to go down. But I need to remember that I was pulled from the burning plane. I could have died in the flames. We could have died.....

God....please.....OPEN MY EYES ALL THE MORE! Show me your goodness in everything! Like you did today
Thank you

what's underneath?

My parents have a beautiful lawn......um, not....
Their lawn is covered in thistles, dandilions and quack grass. It's a pain in the ass to cut and to care for. But it wasn't always this way.

When my parents first viewed the house, the lawn was green, fresh, and weed free. There were even a couple of planters in the backyard for a garden and flowers. It looked amazing! After the first year, the lawn was easy to keep nice and green. A couple of doses of fertilizer, water and regular cutting did the job.

The second year was quite a bit harder to maintain, weeds were popping up and parts of the lawn were going brown.
The third year was the charm, that was when it hit us all the truth of this lovely lawn.
The previous owners, in order to sell the house, laid sod ON TOP of a CRAP lawn! As a quick fix, she didn't bother to rip up the old lawn to lay the new one. The root system of the old was never ripped out......so....after 3 years of sweating to keep this "nice green lawn" looking good, we realized the inevitable was taking place. Whatever was underneath was slowly poking through and was going to take over the whole yard.

My parents now know that they will never have a "velvet" lawn. My dad did put some decent effort this year (the 6th year) into it, but all his efforts were useless in match of the root system.
The only answer to this is to gut out the whole thing and lay NEW SEED.
It's such a good picture for me. Bad fruit comes from bad roots. You can't fake good fruit if the roots are bad, you just can't. The years that we've given it a good honest effort to green up the lawn, we can never produce something that's not there.

In this last year, I've been challenged to my very being, to my very core, and I still am. I had to make some very hard choices this year. I love my sisters post on choose. It says it totally bang on. Choose your hard.

Joe and I almost didn't make it last year. It's been one full year since my hubby walked out that door and a broken family was a very real reality staring me in the face. Both Joe and I have made the HARD choice to reconcile. I say HARD because it's not easy to rip up a lawn. Up root a tree, jack hammer out a foundation!!! But that's what we've chosen to do. All the bad fruit coming from bad roots needed to be uprooted.

Daily, I still face the choice between what kind of lawn I want in my life. It's really really hard! It seems so much easier to just give it some water, throw it some seed in hopes of good fruit, but in the long run, at the end of the day, it's still a lawn full of weeds. This has been my challenge. With God's grace, Joe and I have been able to uproot some really yucky stuff. But on a personal level, talking about me, and what's inside of my heart, God is calling me to trust him to uproot even more. It's so scary. Who wants to be bear looking like a big dirt pile? Who wants to go through the back breaking work of the digging, the dumping, and the planting? Alot of times....not me.....

I keep calling to the warrior in me, to be strong and courageous, to be brave and full of hope and faith that I will be better off to dig than to throw seed into the wind.
Maybe everytime I pass my parents lawn and see all the weeds, I will be reminded that that's NOT what I want.

Reason for the dream

If you read my last post, I had a dream a few days ago. God spoke to me the next day as to why he gave that dream to me.

In my dream, there are two ways of looking at the situation.
The first perspective is to see a wife who is going to cheat on her husband! She is making very poor choices and is not taking responsiblity for her actions! She should have someone knock some sense into her! If nothing else, Joe should be furious and hurt! She should have the natural consequences come to her, so that she will learn her lesson. She should be corrected, reproofed, rebuked, and punished. Joe should show her very limited mercy, since she was about to commit one of the most betraying sins there is!

Or.......

In my dream (if you read it) Joe lovingly, and full of compassion and mercy, whispers gently in my ear that God the Father would heal me, love me and show me my worth. Why would a husband do that? Or a more important question is HOW could a husband do that?

By the power of God and all that He is....God IS THOSE THINGS, and to move HIS heart THROUGH Joe is EXACTLY what God wants us to do for others! God SEES the brokenness of our hearts. In my dream, Joe saw through the eyes of God and saw my pain, my hurt, my low self worth. He understood WHY I would do such a thing. God doesn't concentrate on WHAT we do....but WHY we do them.....

It's in this kind of amazing relationship that people are healed, set free, and released from sin. In my dream, I didn't WANT to cheat on Joe! I just wanted love, I just wanted comfort, and in my brokenness, I did NOT know HOW to find it.....

It's through God, picking us up, whispering love into our ear, in the midst of our sin that we find out that we are loved no matter what.

a dream

i had a very interesting dream last night.

It was like I was 15, confused, angry, hurt, and my self worth was lower than zero. I But at the same time, I was 30 years old and married to Joe and had all my kids.
In my dream, I was wandering around aimlessly, trying to find anyone to love me. Using an old pattern, I thought that sleeping with someone would gain me worth. But ALSO knowing that sleeping with just anybody was a disrespectful thing to do to myself. But I didn't care.....any sort of false comfort, or peace would do at this point.....
So I found a bed of someone I knew, laid down in it waiting for him to come home, find me, then take advantage of me.
Instead, I woke up to Joe whispering softly in my ear, praying for me, that I would know my worth....
Then, he carried me home......

BOSU BALL

BOSU! I have been taking this class twice a week and I love it!

I haven't seen such amazing results before than with this little half ball. My core is so much stronger! I don't think i'm losing any inches or weight, but I know I'm getting stronger! I use to be so wobbly and shake when I first started the class and be SO SORE for a few days, but now I am stable, steady and feel strong during the class! I highly recommend it!

You are working twice as hard with BOSU, because you have to balance AND work at the same time! You are using so many more muscles and burn more calories because of it. These are just a few of my fav's on the ball, but the possiblities are endless with it! My instructor is always doing new things with it. It doesn't get boring, for sure!

I've decided to go after my fitness certification for sure. So I'm really looking forward to learning about the body, nutrition and fitness. I am looking forward to helping others achieve their goals and someday, down the road.....help with body image too....but I have to heal myself first.

Update

Myself: Not online at all these days. It's been nice to not have the distraction of the net during the day. I get alot more done and have more focus on what I'm doing. I seem to be wrestling with my health. It's been about 3 months now that I've been fighting lightheadedness and tiredness. It comes and goes, today being a bad day for that. I am going to try to take iron supplements and see if that helps. I'm considering taking a fitness certification course in Sept. Kill two birds with one stone....workout AND get paid for it!

House: Reno's are still on the go. Kitchen being the biggest of them all, but we're replacing all the doors and trim on the upper floor. Can't wait for it to be done! One more week.

Kids: Adjusting to all the commotion in the house with paint trays, drop cloths, and ladders everywhere. Isaiah moved into her own room last weekend. So now the babies are together (Loads of fun :P) Isaiah is enjoying her own room, i think it makes her feel that much more grown up.

Marriage: Thanks to God and all His miracles, Joe and I are still enjoying our fresh start that He gave us last fall. We enjoy eachother so much now. It's such a blessing to be best friends again and to appreciate why we fell in love in the first place. We are considering a trip in the near future for just the two of us. We never did get to go on a honeymoon and with popping out 5 kids in 10 years, and all the trials we've faced in that time (Caleb's disablity and death being a big one) we deserve it. we need it.....and we're looking forward to it!

that's all I can think of in my tired state right now.

A picture I got at the lake

At the lake for one week. It seemed that the week I was supposed to relax and enjoy my family, I pass through a wave of grief and pain. I made a promise to God a month or so ago to allow myself to be real in the moment-to feel pain when it comes-to make sure that I never wall myself off in self protection mode. So on the way up to the lake.....the wave began.

It was a super good time. I did enjoy my family, I did relax and we built memories and relationships.....but all the while, the inner turmoil remained.

Staying as vague as possible, I realized a picture of my life. I was at the beach with my kids, soaking up the rays. For one small moment, I caught a glimpse of peace. My spirit was able to connect to the truth of my situation and my eyes were opened to the REAL reality. It was like for that one short moment, a HUGE weight lifted from my heavy suppressed heart. It was like I came up for air after someone was holding me under water.....it was amazing......

Every now and then (it seems like 2% of the time) this happens to me. It's like for a short, sweet moment-I can breathe. It's like I am out from under torture.....only for a moment. Then....It's gone. Just like at the beach that day, it was snatched from me as quick as it came. The peace was gone. Feeling the weight back on my shoulders, I desperately wanted it back! I tried to go back to that "place".....but couldn't.

Later that day, I shared with Joe what happened. I cried. I don't know how to get free. I'm reading the shack and just like Mack said to Jesus the night they were looking up at the stars, "I feel so lost"......I TOTALLY understand how he felt. Apparently, Jesus answered Mack and said, "you're not lost......You are so far from lost" Jesus took his hand in that moment. I cried and then again.....threw the book (like I usually do)

ROTFLMAO!

Deep fried Spam slice on a stick


A peanut butter, banana, honey and bacon sandwich on potato bread, dipped in egg batter then fried in bacon fat, topped with butter and blueberry syrup.
Mini double cheeseburgers with chicken McNuggets for buns.

I had a good laugh at this blog.....

You can visit the blog here.
Here are a few things I thought were super funny I had to post them!

A pizza consisting of Thousand Island dressing as the sauce, topped with a family size bag of chicken fingers, a container of bacon bits all smothered in sliced mozzarella cheese.

A brioche bun with cotton candy filling.
Deep fried cheeseburger on a stick.
A one third pound of sirloin topped with two slices of white American cheese, four strips of bacon, peanut butter, between two Krispy Kreme donuts.
Spam that has passed through a french fry press and is deep fried.

Going away

On Monday, I was so sick of the computer that I did what any sanguine would do....I got rid of everything I could.
I don't desire to privatize my blog. Never did. But I will say that I'm taking a break from the internet for a while.
My facebook account has been deactivated as well for a while. I don't know how long, but I need to remove these distractions from my life for a time. I don't think it's wise to wrestle my raw thoughts out in public either. I think some cover would do me some good.

anywho.....thanks for reading, I'll be back, just don't know when.

Carebear

thoughts

With a MILLION things circling my head. Where do I start?

First off, the place I'm at is I don't trust anybody. I don't like being here. I've taken a few steps back in this area. I feel like 'who could I trust?' Wondering if people are the real deal. And considering that we are all humans, we don't even know what the real deal is anyway, so it's impossible to be the real deal. Our self deception is so sick and creepy that we don't even know the messes were in!

We were in life group last night, it was nice and freeing to be as real as I could. Which was just what I said. I figure that I might as well just call things as they are, instead of decieving myself too. Which I probably am. How will I move forward if I won't acknowledge what's there to deal with. I think before my spiritual pride would keep me from this. Afraid to share what I was really thinking, in fear that someone would think that I'm weak, or not growing, moving up the "maturity ladder"

Not interested in any sort of ladder at this point. Just wanting real peace, real life and real relationships. Although the relationship part will be hard to get to since I won't let anyone in. It's much safer in a closed cell. It seems to me, my experience anyway, that whenever I draw conclusions, it turns out I'm WAY off!

Thanks to L for being around, there in the backgroud. I love you and am so glad you;'re in my life.

More church questions...more like LIFE questions

Yes, these days I am for surely questioning alot of things. Things have happened in my life to shake my foundation, and to challenge where I truly stand. My eyes are being opened to how blind I am and have been. The last thing I want to do is bash my church family in all this.

Yes, I am questioning "why we do church" but my heart loves my church family so so so much. I'm in a place in my life where I need a lot of healing. And I am one of those "hurting people". I say it in quotations like that because 2 years ago, that's how I would have labeled myself. 2 years ago, I was in a bubble of self deception and religious pride. I was comfortable in my little "safe place" of knowing everything. Of being "mature" of "moving up the church ladder" I was asked to become a care group leader!! Having a marriage of 11-12 years and going through a death of a child and still coming out the other side declaring that God is faithful and good. I had all my kidlets lined up in a homeschooling row. I had people tell me that I was an inspiration and that I was growing into a beautiful christian woman. Maybe I was....I'm not so sure.

Then my world crashed and everything changed. Everything to it's very core was and is still being shaken. My core values, my core beliefs, are all being challenged now. So my bubble no longer exists. My pride was broken and my self deception was exposed for me to see. Honestly, when I look back at the repentance I walked through, it was incredibly refreshing to weep through the disgusting mess I had made of my life. I felt so much mercy and grace when I asked for forgiveness. I never want to be that woman again.

As of now, I won't give up on my church family. I have nothing against them as people. I have just been wondering the purpose and pondering the fruit. My sister left me a comment about a life group we were in. I totally echo her heart and thoughts on it. This care group was true love, community and friendship. There was a mutual desire to be together, to fellowship, eat and play with the millions of kids we all had. One of us became a widow in the midst of it all and I know that we were the church to her. And she was to us. And honestly, she still is.
Even tho she doesn't come to our church anymore, she was the one that came over and put my drunk self to bed after Joe left me last fall. She was there, with no judgment, and listened as I slurred out my words of pain and abandonment. She didn't mind carrying me to bed and tucking me in. Although I had to deal with the hangover on my own!! LOL

This is church. I won't stop going, I love my family. even tho I am wrestling, I will trust that God will guide and lead me through these questions.
But please, let's keep talking about it, I have been appreciating your thoughts on this. Thank you for sharing your heart in my last comment box!!! We are in this together, this journey called life.

Why church?

I'm sitting here on a Saturday night.....
Knowing that church is in the morning.

Why do I go?
What's the purpose?
Is it safe? To heal? to be real? to allow God to work in me without the walls I've built?

Rene's post has complimented my thoughts about the "format' of it all.

Also, I've been holding onto stuff that I'm afraid to share, but am so sick of fear of people's opinions at this moment that I'm just going to say it!!

I went dancing! In a bar! And, I had 3 drinks! there.....I said it. Isn't it stupid that I am afraid of judgement? afraid that people will look "down" on me because those things are "bad"?

Go ahead, make my comment box a place to talk about this....cause at this point....I want to pretend I was never "saved"-start over-so that I can get to know God for real. The REAL God. Not the God that religion has painted.....