The 2nd annual Waldherr Bridgecity boogie

Our second year! Last year, I ran the 5km with my super cousin Holly. As much as I totally enjoyed that run, I missed my family so much! Joe had all the kids by himself. So I promised them that I would never run separately from them again!


The kids, all stoked! Faith is so proud that she had to tell everyone that she wasn't going in the stroller this year, but running with the big kids!


We met more of the hope team!

Faith asking every two seconds, "when are we gonna start mom??!"

Joe and Noah took off in a flash, leaving the girls in their dust trail! they finished the 2km run without stopping one second. They were gracious enough to come back to get us later :)

Go team Waldherr!


It's finally time!!!! Faith is officially happy and excited!




Trying hard! She did awesome!

My girlies runnin just like their momma!


After the race! The kids love their little treat bags of oranges, fruit snacks and granola bars.


aaaaaa.....shade!
Next year, we were thinking of the 5km. we will see, depending on the youngest Waldherr joining us at age 4.

my night tonight

So, my father in law comes over for supper. it was a nice chicken with potatoes, gravy...etc.....the night is nice so we decide to go to the park and then stop for icecream.

On the way to the park, I can start to feel my "heartburn" flair up. I wonder now what would have happened if I had had some pepto bismol in my purse, like I usually do. At the first sign of an "attack" (as I call it) I do whatever I can to stop it. But tonight, I didn't have anything. I knew that my supper did not go down well. It was getting stuck all through the meal. By the time we got to the park, i was in a fair bit of pain. I had 2 extra strength zantac and that was it. I needed some milk or something to help these pills go down.

Left the family at the park, drove to the nearest store to buy a milk. open it and drink it before i pay for it......the pain level goes from an 8 to a 5. ok, maybe this will pass. drive back to the park, sipping on my milk, waiting for the zantac to do something. nothing.....it starts to get worse again. My pain goes to a 9 and I start to panic. thinking about running behind a building to throw up whatever is stuck in my esophagus to ease the pain. Joe comes to check on me, and I told him what I was thinking. He told me to give it a try. ( we were a long way from home)

So here I am, behind a building, crouching down on my hands and knees throwing up into a bush......it was lovely. Being a recovering bulimic, the puke didn't bother me so much as being in public, hiding, and wondering if anyone saw me, what on earth would they think??!

No relief......pain stays at an 8/9 and I had to leave my family at the park to come home. To gulp pepto/try to eat crackers/throw up some more......now my pain is sitting at a 3 or so.

Is this what I have to look forward to? only for it to progress and get worse? God help me.
:(

sister see sister do

1. when you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I get NEW hair via my genius JILLA!!! Appointment is T-3.5hours!

2. do you miss anyone right now?
Honestly, I miss myself. I have somehows vacated life and don't know where I went. I hope I can find myself soon...and when I find me, I hope that I like who I find.

3. if you could move anywhere else, would you?
These days, moving to a secluded island where I would have no distractions, nothing calling me to pour milk, do laundry, take down xmas lights, worry about basement reno bills....etc.....so that I could actually HAVE the time to see if I can find my missing self.

4. if you could choose, what would your last meal be?
Right off the bat, a meal that wouldn't get stuck. But I would choose whole wheat spagetti topped with pinapples, onions, mushrooms, chicken, tomatoes, in a spicy curry sauce with a side of bread dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar...hmmmm

5. what famous person, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with?
Right now, it would be my new friend Jasmine. But I get to have my first coffee with her tomorrow night and NOT stand her up :P

6. what was the last book you read?
Actually completed? Not sure. Lately, I've had the tendency to read till it hurts, or hits a nerve, than put down the book for a breather, or maybe you might call it running away.

7. what was the last movie you watched?
Daybreakers. which is weird that I'm watching movies about vampires....i actually liked it.

8. what was the last song you heard?
haha....my neighbour across the street has been blaring "Airplanes" by B.O.B. over and over and over. So i think that was the last song i heard. Other than that, it's most likely an eminem song.

9. what is your dream vacation?
Somewhere on a beach, in a teenie bikini soaking up rays with my hubby :D

10. what is the next trip you will take?
We're going to the Waldherr family reunion in August. So look out Yorkton, here we come!!! :P

11. did you ever go to camp?
I had to laugh at my sister's memories of camp. I forgot that Lance made you drink your gravol! hahaha! My memories of camp were sneaking out of the cabin late at night, drinking whiskey that my boyfriend brought, getting kicked out of camp for breaking all the rules, getting caught in the boys cabins, carving my friends name into my arm with a safety pin to become blood friends (:-O) and I think there was some singing around a camp fire in there too.

12. have you ever been in love?
I keep thinking that I am in love, then I fall deeper and deeper.....love just keeps going.....:D Just when you think you know what love is, you go and realize it's just so much more than you think!

13. what do you want to know about the future?
that's all in the past.
You mean the future.
Whatever! It demonstrates precisely how time travel can be mis-used, and why the time machine must be destroyed, after we straighten all of this out.

14. where is your best friend?
Currently, my best friend is at work, providing wonderfully for his family. another best friend is proabably in her backyard having a smoke smacking all the mosquitos, yet another is somewheres in willowgrove hopefully enjoying her very active, very super cute little boy....

15. how is your best friend?
I think they are all well

16. who is the biggest gossiper you know?
i have to go with nin on this one, probably her. :P

17. what does your last text message say?
Text message? call me old, but I don't even have a cell phone

18. what are 3 things you've always wanted to do, that you still plan to accomplish?
Run a marathon, finish this house!!!!! and to heal....fully and completely....

19. what is one thing you learned from your parents?
That yard work is overrated and a waste of time and if you don't do it, someone else will. that it's better to be real than a liar. that to stay young, all you have to do is occasionally scare people, play jokes on them, even if you're the only one laughing (like putting cheese slices in shoes) and that blood is thicker than anything else.

20. what is one thing you hope to teach to your own children?
for sure just to be honest. with honesty, you can get through anything. and of course to know that they are loved no matter what they've done.

I don't post much no more. Usually I wait until I have something good to say, which you can tell, those times are very far and few between.

So instead of waiting till I have all my @#!*% together, I'll just spit out where I'm at.
These days, I am down. I can feel the judgment (whether it's legit or coming from me) I just hear it in my head "why aren't you postive? where's your upbeat spirit? come on, get it together, you could be SO much worse off than you are! you have so much to be thankful for! Your heart is so ungrateful........etc......."

The flood in our house is one thing. I think I can handle that. It's pretty overwhelming, but we've been there before and my friend Morgan said to me, "you are designed to handle chaos! you are so good with it" I still feel very much in survival mode instead of thriving mode tho. It's amazing to have my best friend right beside me through all this. Joe and I are so close now, that I can't believe how long we lived "apart"!! We are support for each other. we are laughing together, listening to each other, and when one is down, the other picks up the slack.

But it's this diagnosis that I'm having a hard time accepting. I sense around me that people are down playing what it is and I sense the "get over it" attitude, "it's not that big a deal" But IT IS! And I am the one that has to live with it. People are just like, "well, get the surgery and it will all be better" but it won't be! achalasia has no cure and doctors can only treat half of the problem. The surgery that I am probably getting doesn't solve the problem, it only bandaids it for a time. There's a 70-90% success rate, only for a time. My surgeon said that this is the end of the line. If I get this surgery, there is nothing else they can do other than remove my entire esophagus! so that means there is a 10-30% chance I could get my whole esophagus removed! they would then move my stomach up to my throat (which is a 10% mortality rate doing that surgery)

Call me down, say i have no faith, say I am not positve and that I'm looking at it from the wrong angle.....but this is my life! I have 4 kids and I'm only 31. This surgery lasts from 10-25 years. that puts me anywhere from 40-55 that this surgery will fail me.....

If I don't find my secret place soon, I don't know where I'm gonna end up. think what you want, but this is where I'm at. and I am sad today.

Life without ED....or should I say Edith?

Right off the cuff----I appreciate all my support. Those that comment and those that don't. To my readers, I appreciate you. I know that you are there for me if I need, and there are those that consistently pray for me. God bless!

Joe picked me up a new book by recommendation of my eating disorder counselor. It's called "Life without Ed" ED stands for Eating Disorder. I am so encouraged! It's been very eye opening! It still baffles me that for so long I've had an obvious issue with food, but have never gone for help! I guess I thought that God was enough (which HE IS) But I've learned that IT"S OK TO ASK FOR HELP AND THAT DOESN"T MEAN YOU HAVE LESS FAITH!

This book was written by a woman who was "married to Ed" for most of her life. She has successfully divorced him now and is sharing her hope with others. She takes a different approach to dealing with the E.D. by giving it a name, a personality, a voice, and ultimately, SEPARATING HERSELF FROM WHO ED IS.

She asked in the first chapter whether your eating disorder was male or female. Hers was very much male. I knew right away that mine was female. It's a perfect 10 drop dead gorgeous woman that constantly tells me how I don't measure up and if I would only be like her, I would be happy. So, it was Joe's idea to name her Edith (cause she's ED....with 'death' at the end)

I'm starting to realize how much I have agreed with Edith. I have OWNED her thoughts, OWNED her ideas, her goals, her vision, her destruction, her lies, her condemnation.....I feel like I'm getting my power back by realizing that THAT"S NOT ME! I want to be healthy! My goals are NOT her goals! I'm starting to "disobey" her voice more and more. Not always. I still listen alot of the time. But I'm coming to peace with the fact that I've had 20+years of listening to a foreign voice, it will take time to learn what my thoughts are and what God's thought are for me.

Honestly....very honestly....it's not like i didn't know all this before. It was mostly all in "Christianeze" In Christian terms, which have become confusing to me, since they have been mixed with religion, and man's judgments. This is a fresh new tool for me that has been given to me, I believe by God, to use in such a time as this.

I am excited and scared to really pursue divorcing my eating disorder. Even though I haven't purged in over 2 years, I have realized that the voice didn't leave when I gave up purging. It just changed form, it changed shape and voice. Edith morphed her way into the gym with me, into restriction of calories and different thinking patterns. It was foolish of me to think that my eating disorder was gone when I stopped throwing up. I didn't understand it, but now, I think I"m beginning to get it.....
:)

Paradox?

I used to be strong....i think.....

These days, I am easily defeated. My foundation that is supposedly being rebuilt is still so shaky. The demolition and construction seem to be going at a snails pace.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but why is it that one thing can just throw your whole world into a new dimension? Things have been thrown my way my whole life and then one curve ball knocks me on my @#!*% and puts me on what seems like the sidelines for months and months.

I've said the word "disorientated" many many times in the last year and a half. I'd like to believe that I'm finding more and more ground as the months go on.....but somedays, I still feel so lost. Still plagued with the questions
"am i worth it?"
"who am I?"
"am I beautiful?"
"am i enough?"
"what is my purpose?"
and probably the most plaguing question of them all: "am I chosen?"

The latest veggie thrown into my tossed salad is my new diagnosis. I have a rare swallowing disease called achalasia. It affects 1 out of every 100 000 people. it is a progressive disease that has no cure. I am trying to hold onto hope, faith like i used to, but it's like i forget how, or maybe I'm just tired of saying things like, "everything happens for a reason, there is a plan, god will heal me, take care of me, i praise you in this storm"........etc........

It's like i've been saying those things all my life. like the strong young christian woman that i am. But life really has beaten me down. I can't do it anymore. I'm completely spent. Maybe there's a few of you out there reading this that will say, "GREAT! Now she will surrender. Now God can be strong, becuase she's finally weak!"

Whatever that means. Parts of me hopes that God can step in more because I am admitting defeat, but parts of me is scared that I am really losing who I am meant to be. I WANT TO BE STRONG. I keep calling to the warrior in me......who seems to be so far in the distance, she is out of calling range.

I really am to the point that I don't care at all what people think of me anymore....which is really freeing! I'm not afraid to make mistakes anymore, and i don't have to worry about masks, or putting my best foot forward anymore. I think I'm sometimes putting my worst foot forward to see who will still walk with me through this.

I know I've changed. I've got a few more walls up, but yet a few less barriers. I have less fear of man, but yet an insecurity I've never had before. I've become more careful, and yet I'm more carefree. I'm not as legalistic and religious, but yet possibly leaning to far the other way.

I do choose hope. I choose life, as best as i know how. God, i know you can hear me. and i know you're there. I will continue to call out to you.
make all this into something beautiful.....including me.....

i've started so many blogs, and have never had such a bad bloggers block before. people have proabaly given up reading. which i would if there were so little posts.

anyway, i am forcing myself to give an update. as boring as it will be. Maybe it will be one of those things, that the longer you leave it, the harder it is to write.

My esophagus update:

I went for a barrium swallow, where they make drink this chalky white stuff and then they xray you to see how the stuff goes down and if it gets stuck etc. This test told the doctor that i had a narrowing in my esophagus and that it spasms as it tried to get the stuff down. According to this test, my narrowing was quite small and the doctors rushed me to top priority to have my esophagus stretched out! they said that it was as narrow as a pencil! They were surprised that I haven't lost weight and were very concerned with my ability to get food into my stomach. They explained to me that because of my bulimia, i have built up scar tissue around the opening which could contribute to the narrowing.

On the day of surgery. My doc said that most paitents are awake during the stretching, but because mine was so narrow, they wanted to put me out since it would be very painful and would want me to stay still. Everything went super good. exept for after. My surgeon came to me after and said that she didn't find any narrowing...... ??????....... she said that my tissue looked normal and healthy.......??????.......

which would seem like a miracle right? but then she said she suspects that i have this thing called achalasia. it's a disease of the esophagus that effects 1 in every 100 000 and it would be completely unrelated to my bulimia......??????....... of course, i looked it up and saw that it's uncurable and increases your risk to cancer of the esophagus and there is no real treatment for it other than really invasive surgery which might not even work anyway!

So I wait for a test. they will again put a camera down my throat and have me drink water. they say it won't be very fun. but they will be able to determine if i have this disease or not. I'm trying not to freak out. at least with the narrowing, I knew WHY it happened. I knew it was my fault and there was treatment for it. but this disease just scares me. why me?

this is my first update. hopefully in the next couple of days i will update on fitness training and certification.

Caleb's birthday and my 2 year

Feb 5 came and went. That's my son's birthday. He would have been 13. Life is so strange. It goes on without your questions getting answered. It can be a blur of emotions and events. For some people, life is purposeful, and it makes sense. Not so with me. I'm still waiting for the day I can truly find my footing. Grounding in a solid foundation that doesn't shake and fall apart with events and emotions. I thought at one point in my life that I had that. Maybe I was "getting there"......but being in a blur, I still don't know the answer to that either.

God has given us something solid to stand on. Given us all something safe to hide in, something worth living for, something that doesn't change like the shadows. But when I look at my life......(from today's perspective) it's a blur. It's just all these things that have happened that have caused havoc on my insides. God continues to bring me to a pressing point. A place of heat, and loving pressure. I know he does this so I can willingly be rid of inner junk.......each time, I hope and pray I'm closer to letting that junk go.....

One of these days, circumstances won't be what makes me who I am. One of these days, His solid truth will be enough. I'm hoping....praying.....begging, pleading that one of these days, I will be released from the anger, bitterness, and the pain. One of these days, I will see my life through God's eyes and it will be peaceful. I will find peace. I will know it wasn't my fault. I will have forgiven myself and others. I will have peace about my son, why he was given to me and why he went home before his 10th birthday. I will know why I had an 18 year long eating disorder . And if God never explains "why" on this earth, I will have peace with not having to know why.

These are my thoughts today

Fitness certification and my heart

Friends had told me what to expect at my group module fitness class this weekend, but nothing can really prepare you till you're there.

We started the day on Saturday with step and high low aerobics. Our teacher took us through a full class of each, so that we knew and were familiar with taking that class. While she was teaching us through the class, she was teaching us how to teach! Then, we spent alot of the day building our own class and teaching our individual lessons to eachother.....which meant alot more step!

Sunday was a shock for a lot of us. We started 9am sharp with a bootcamp class. I think our instructor wanted to see really what we could do. I felt like I was on the biggest loser! Within 15 minutes, someone puked! Our intervals were like anything I've ever done. It was extremely challenging, but super fun too. I remember at one point, I was focusing my mind on giving birth to my babies, coaching myself through all the pain......

I had so much fun! I learned so many new things and it was very character building. People don't think that a bootcamp workout can really challenge your character, but when the rubber meets the road, you have to TELL your body to move or it just won't!

After bootcamp, we had to continue to build our own practical classes and teaching eachother. Needless to say, that today, I am walking around feeling every muscle I have in my body....I am realizing that I have muscles that I didn't know where there! Which is a bittersweet pain for me :D

I met a lot of neat people with similar goals. Which to be honest, it felt good to be around people that didn't look at you like you were a totally unbalanced person. They love to be active and it's just a part of their lifestyle. So when you tell them that you workout 4-5 times per week, they don't look at you like you're on crack.

I'm excited to start helping others. I think it's a good move to channel my focus on others and helping people rather than just doing it for me. My hubby is SOOO good and supportive. He was amazing this weekend! On Saturday, he took Faith to ballet, washed the van, picked up groceries, made crepes for lunch, cleaned the house and had supper on by the time I got home! He told me it was to show me how much he supports me in this. On Sunday, he took them to church, fed them lunch, cleaned the house again and made farmer sausage for supper. I am so blessed to have such an amazing man!!!!!! sigh......

He encouraged me to dream, to dream of all that God would have for me. Ironically......of course the way God does things.....there was a woman in my class. I did NOT LIKE HER. She just threatened me. She was a representation of a lot of hurt and I knew that. But God used her out of EVERYONE in that class to speak into me.....that made me both mad, and cry. I wanted to hate her, but God kept pouring out encouragement and love that I became friends with her!!

God is good, even tho I'm still so stubborn, weak and seem so unmoldable. He somehow breaks through.....I don't know how. But he does. I hope it has something to do with my biggest prayer.
God, don't let me go. don't let me go hard. break through whatever you need to, even if I'm kicking and screaming, I give you permission to hold my arms down and sit on me if you have to. Have your way.......have your way........even the things I'm admitting that I'm not ready to let go of yet, I WANT to let go of them. Help me, release my death grip on my pitiful, useless forms of comfort. Make me into what glorifies you........

My song for this season

You look around
It's staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under?
You wonder

What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water too

So get out
And let
Your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste
Don't wait
Don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for
I know you're not sure
So you play it safe
Try to run away

If you take that first step
Into the unknown
He won't let you go

STEP OUT
Even when a storm hits
STEP OUT
Even when you're broken
STEP OUT
Even when your heart is telling you telling you to give up
STEP OUT
When your hope is stolen
STEP OUT
You can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid

So what are you waiting,
What are you waiting for?

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water...
Walk on the water too

Britt Nicole-Walk on the Water

finding balance

over the last several years, I started a journey. towards health, fitness, and wholeness.....never woulda thought that the road would be what it has been! I've gone through back trails and side trails, hit road blocks, and downhills to speed up the process too! I've gone off road, and even sat in the middle of the road.

My heart is mixed with selfishness and a desire to follow after God. Mixed with pain and woundedness and a courage and bravery that comes from God......I've been reflecting on the journey in the last while, with a desire for new eyes, a new passion to walk the right road. I wish the path was simple, but hopefully, it's complexity is bringing fruit and growth.

I'll start back when I decided to start running. My heart wanted to be healthy and learn spiritual truths through physical parallel's. A year after my running started, I stopped throwing up my food! On Feb 5th 2008(my son, Caleb's birthday) I threw up my food for the last time, another big step towards healing and wholeness. After that point, I was literally held accountable for everything I put in my mouth. Which was a HUGE mind shift for me!

8 months after my last bulimic episode, my husband walked out the door. Fortunately and unfortunately, this wounded me very deeply. Having to walk through deep things have been so painful, yet I'm starting to become grateful for the opportunity to heal and build new foundations. After hearing a huge blow of betrayal fall of 2008, my walk in health and fitness took a turn for the worse. My dreams of following God's heart became a desperate need to fix myself. Fix my body, and loose weight. My eating has suffered some unhealthy patterns and my trips to the gym became twisted and sick.

Fighting through the "winding road" to balance, health and wholeness, has taken me pretty much in every direction. Even though I have still not thrown up my food, I have obssesively used the gym to purge calories, I have borderlined on anorexia, I have even put money under my matress (fall of 2008) to save for plastic surgery!

Reflecting on the last 6 months, I think I see some growth....i think ;) Mexico was very healing for me, it was also in a time period where food had no hold on me. I could eat and enjoy it. I would workout and enjoy it. God has shown me small tastes of freedom only for me to take my life into my own hands and save myself. Ending in painful dead ends, I am learning (the hard way---as usual) which roads cause massive pain. (note to self DON"T TRY TO SAVE YOURSELF<>

By November, I was building myself into a strong powerhouse. Moving up weights, running farther and faster than ever. All the while, empty as hell. I started getting really frustrated with myself because i was still eating more calories than I needed which was fueling my "need" to be at the gym. Wanting so badly to control my eating, I still focused on my gym efforts, because that's what made me feel strong.

End of November, I got sick. Very sick. The gym had to wait. But with my poor eating habits, I was getting paranoid that the calories weren't getting burned off. 3 weeks go by and not a single trip to the gym. As I start feeling better, I decide to give the gym a try......BAD MISTAKE. Even tho I felt semi-fine, my body was NOT ready for a huge full body workout. My body needed that last bit of energy to heal, instead it was used to repair all the muscles I just ripped. Bang! a full body relaspe! sick for another 4 weeks! At this point, I didn't even want to go back! I was tired and had no energy. My life's schedule was now used to not going to the gym and Xmas was here and there was no time. I could feel my clothes getting tighter, but God was speaking to me.

I believe that God used that time of sickness for 2 things. He showed me that I won't DIE if i don't go to the gym. and second, to show me that I can't save myself. He has brought me to a deeper level of surrender as I now step on scale to see I've gained 10 pounds.

Now to walk out of this with greater balance, greater wisdom, greater surrender....I am now counting my calories for some structure and going to the gym, NOT to burn calories, but to be healthy.....
I have a long way to go. I just want to be normal. I want to eat and enjoy, I want to workout and have fun. I don't want weight, size, food, the gym to consume me. I want to be free, and I believe I'm getting closer to that.....

31 and falling apart

Okay, so last night sucked ass!

After supper, heart burn started even before bed. after drinking 4 doses of pepto, was able to fall asleep till 4:30am
Drinking another 3 doses of pepto, sleeping SITTING UP on my couch till 7:30. I try everything. I'm on meds that are for people with ulcers and reflux disease.....

It's just so discouraging that for once in my life I am pursuing health and fitness. Beginning my very first career in fitness training and i feel like my body is falling apart. I'm supposed to see a specialist about this and my Dr. seems to think I'm going to need surgery!

Who woulda thunk that those years of bulimia would cause such extreme health problems! So strange that my problems started AFTER I stopped throwing up. makes no sense to me. It will be 2 years on February 5 since I have had an episode WHICH IS FRIGGEN AMAZING! but.....I have to live with such pain now :(
I told Joe and my sis the other day that I would rather gain some weight again, then go back to that life!!! And I know myself well enough to know that if I throw up JUST ONCE.....that's it....it's game over for me, i'll be back to where I was, throwing up everyday.... YUCK!

But in the meantime.....I can't help thinking that by the time I'm 50, what kind of problems will i have then with my liver? my stomach, my bowels??? People that are 50 have my kind of problems, not 30 year olds....

I just wish I could go back and 'figure it out' sooner.....but some people have to learn the hard way :( There's this one line of a song that says, "make something beautiful out of all this suffering" I wish I could see a purpose in all this.....

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me decide.

According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.

Since I'm being brutally honest....why stop now?

So, after my weekend melt down, a tiny part of courage in me says "yes" to a secular music fast that Joe suggests. Joe asks me how long, "a week?" "I think it's going to take a lot longer than a week to plow through this" So on Sunday, we started a secular music fast. How long will it be for?....i don't know yet.....

I'm not doing this because I think secular music is evil or that anyone that listens to it is going to hell. I'm doing this for these reasons:

I am starving to death. Over the last few months, I have lost my desire to listen to anything worship or praise related. I have realized in small parts that the music I choose, feeds a hurting part of me. it band-aids my hurts in a 'quick fix' type of way. It feeds me the messages that I can do it by myself! That I don't need anyone and can't trust anyone. Some of my music makes me feel sexy and powerful.

I've gone on many food fasts before, but have never experienced a fast with something OTHER than food that I was so TIED to! You don't realize how much you are glued to something until you take it away. I am actually going through withdrawals! There are many times that ALL I want to do is turn on a certain song to get lost, escape, to fill myself with a false sense of self confidence. I've had one slip this week. I was on my way somewhere, when I wondered what was on the other stations. I quickly checked on C95 and my latest favorite song was playing! Oh, I couldn't turn it off! I decided to just listen to this one song and that was it. It was so eye opening to see me come alive! I got all pumped up, excited, was singing in my car.....God has been so good to open my eyes and to pursue this broken, messed up human being. I can't believe He actually is.

This year hasn't been easy. But I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel. My world from MY perspective it's went from white to black and then back to white, when actually in real reality went from black to white. The hurt in our marriage turned my world to black when I found out about it, but then I got a brand spankin new husband! From the moment he repented, he hasn't been the same. Walking a clear non wavering, no doubt in my mind that he has changed! I didn't know I was actually living in black until God redeemed it, back to white. Having a spiritually strong and stable husband is all new to me! Having Joe step in places that I felt alone before is awesome, but at the same time, it's disorientating. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself! It's like I'm having to find myself all over again, in light of my new husband! It's a sweet way to loose yourself of course! I can't imagine if he hadn't come back home and walked away from us for good! What would I even look like then???!!!!!

All this shaking of my world has left me very confused and disorientated. Finding my way through the stages of grief, all the way up to now, where I am slowly allowing God to come back into my heart on very real terms. I am back to learning how to spoon feed myself simple worship songs. Learning to stop swearing at the lyrics and embracing the messages of hope and love.

My pastors wife, (AN AWESOME WOMAN!!) was here for coffee and I said, "I can't believe how this music fuels me!" Her answer was quick and pointed, "of course that makes sense! you are a worshiper, God has placed that in you, no wonder the other side feeds you like it does!" I miss dancing before God. Will I ever again? I miss my pretty white dress, will I be able to wear it for my daddy God? If you read this, please pray that I will have to courage and strength to contiune this fast as long as it takes for God to soften my heart, redeem and heal what's there.

Here it goes.......New light on a sick and twisted way of living

Whatever about people judging me. You can think whatever you want when you read my blog. I find writing helps me sort things out and maybe, just maybe, it may help someone out there not to make all my flippin mistakes.

So my latest stupid thing came out this weekend. And i hate it. God told me something so ridiculous that I don't even know what to say or how to respond yet. For a while, I've been crying out to him, "where are you!!!!!!?, why aren't you helping me???? answering me??? speaking to me???? rescueing me?" He says to me, "cause you don't need me. You are your own saviour. You aren't in need of a saviour." I had some words with him. Somewhere this summer, I didn't feel safe with him any longer. I felt that he was not protecting me, and that he HADN"T protected me. If He was trustworthy, than he would have saved me BEFORE all the shit hit the fan. I was very very honest with him and poured out my hurt and abandonment to him and left it at that. I have never really experienced this in my walk with God before. Maybe I have, but not in such an obvious way. Somwhere in the last 6 months, I chose to no longer trust God and trust in myself. After all, I know me and can control the outcomes of life (or so I thought)

With my last post, I shared that I have blamed myself for alot of things and have also not forgiven myself for things I have done. So you mix those two things with being your own saviour......hmmmmm......things just keep getting worse.

I cried one night to Joe. The things pouring out of my heart were, "I feel like I'm dying a slow death. I feel like the more I try to find my life, i loose it (hmmm, sound familiar?)

I wake up everyday (in my mind) In a big hole! In a whole ton of debt. Someone needs to pay for the offense. I'm to blame for this that and the other thing. If you weren't ____ than ____ wouldn't have happened. Not to mention that if I would only loose the last BLASTED 10 pounds, than life would be grand! So I become the saviour. I am the only one that can be trusted to get myself out of this mess (or so I think)
I get up every day and get on the scale. It's confirmed, I'm in debt and work needs to be done. I go to the gym and kill many birds with one stone. In the moments of working out, I feel empowered, in control, safe in my own hands. I am able to push myself farther each time to prove to myself that I can am strong enough and don't need anyone else. I see myself get stronger each week which (for only those moments) increases a false security in this body that will one day turn to dust.

On deeper levels, I kick the shit out of myself, punish myself, hurt myself.....to pay for the deeds done. To pay for what "was my fault" What does keep me running that extra lap? Lifting those extra pounds? Knowing that I deserve the pain, and somewhere I've been whipping myself, thinking that eventually, the debt will be gone....but it never is.
Another level that working out touches is I get to 'run away' from life just for a while. I can get lost in a world of music, and concentrate on the pain infront of me. If my legs hurt, who the hell cares? I'd rather my legs burn like hell than my heart ache from real life)

Writing this out, I feel like vomitting. How does a person get so messed up? Or better yet, how in the heck does a person get OUT of this mess?

At the ladies retreat at church, I didn't sing a single word of a worship song. I sat there trying to find my way through a maze of emotions and confusion. With my feet resting on a chair across from me....I was staring at my shoes. Cause, who woulda guessed? I brought my workout garb to the ladies retreat, just incase I could fit in a workout......which I did. 80 flights of stairs and a shitload of wall squats made me feel happy for the moment. But later that night, when the workout is done and my heart is still hurting......and women are singing their hearts out to God....I'm sitting there....starring at my stupid shoes. The shoes that I live in. that I almost feel enchained to. The shoes that tell me what I need to do, how long I need to do it.

Somewhere inside, I know that God is good. And that I will make it through this, make things right, and be stronger than I ever was IN HIM.... I know I'm willing. well, most of the time.... :P Somewhere down the line, I will be helping others, speaking to them their VALUEABLE WORTH in God and how much they are loved, unconditionally. Because I will know, I will have walked it, wrestled it, and overcame it.......I know I will.....

These are the newest, grossest revelations that my God has given me. Apparently God hasn't given up on me yet.....is there hope for me? I .....hope.....so......

A new door to walk through

This healing journey never has dull moments. This last year, God has taken me all over the map.
From healing childhood memoires, to experiencing deep grief over life, to laughing with joy with my hubby-to crying a deep deep anguish with him too. Finding out all that's inside of me has been exciting, scary, painful, joyful, numbing,....etc.....

In Mexico, in the middle of our honeymoon, God opens up a door. A door that opened 4 hours of crying and pain. I am slowly entering this door. Courageously and most times scared shitless. Inside this door, I have found a few things that need to be cleaned out and sorted through. The first words that met me with a mountain wave of pain was, "IT WAS NOT MY FAULT" Saying it out loud was unbearable. To actually believe it---well, that has yet to come.

As I step one foot infront of the other into this room, I am met with other things. "I NEED TO FORGIVE MYSELF" Who knew? Until I stepped foot in this door, I thought I was resentful for other reasons, but as I squeemishly go inside, I'm seeing that I have a strong root of bitterness towards MYSELF! I am ENRAGED at times at myself! It comes out like a force as strong as a hurricane. Tapping into these deep feelings have been painful to say the least.

The two go hand in hand, and I don't know how God will sort this out. Blaming myself for what's happened in our marriage and pinning all my wrongs and faults to it is like mixing gasoline and fire. It's a recipe for self hatred, condemnation and self sabotage. It's like giving the devil a baseball bat and saying, "here, hit me with this"

Both God and Joe are lovingly speaking the truth that it wasn't my fault and that I NEED to forgive myself. I was young, I was immature, I was giving birth to baby after baby! My coping skills were narrowed down to big macs and a toilet bowl. My knowledge was limited to dropping out of highschool in order to raise a severely disabled child! Basic life skills were never modelled or taught to me. My relationship and marriage began in a foundation after DRUG REHAB loaded with truck loads of baggage! My resources were amazing and I know have been a huge reason as to why we are still together and a true God send!

(As a side note: People that struggle with, "Oh, I don't have a really cool testimony with drugs, sex and rock and roll....I wish I had cool stories of rescue...." DON'T EVER WISH ON YOURSELF IN A MILLION BILLION TRILLION YEARS! The pain is NOT worth the "cool stories" The consequences last you will into your life......and for those who are reading this that are dabbling in drugs, sex, and all that "FUN STUFF"....STOP!!!!!!! NOW!!!!! If I knew you, knew what you were doing, I'd slap you....and that is that.)

As we continue to root out piles of crap, I think that maybe, soon, we will see the bottom of the porcelain bowl. Hopefully, we aren't taking any new dumps into the already rawnchy smelling mound. Hopefully, God is in this crap somewhere. Digging around in it, sometimes doesn't really feel like He is, but somewhere, deep deep down inside, I know He is.......

Who wants to hear a lice story? (Caution....swear words in post)

Day one:
I'm drying Isaiah's hair before school....I see something move......I look.......it moves again, along with other things that are moving.....
My FIRST WORD: "SHIT!" I walk away from the child, stomping my foot into the floor, saying, "shit, shit shit!"
Walk towards the girl, in disbelief....I have to check again! This can't be happening!!!! More lice "SHIT!" (pounding my hand with a fist) again.....I walk away from the girl.
Phone my sister (she's on pickup for school) She answers,
"Hello?"
"SHIT!"
"WHAT!?"
"SHIT.......WE > HAVE > LICE!" ........
Nin responds...."shit..." (It's become the word of the day)
(Later I profusely apologize to my girl for swearing and reassure her that it's not her fault)
Look in Noah's head, more bugs! K, now I'm freaking out! and call Joe. "We are INFESTED with lice!"

Pull off ALL bedding, all blankets, all coats, all towels, all clothes, pretty much anything and everything you can wash and form the biggest, most largest mountain my laundry room has EVER seen! Start with NIX........Treat everyone in the family......the result? Still live bugs!
Buy a BIG jar of mayo and slop copious amounts of it and crown it with lovely saran wrap. Sit for 5 hours........with grease dripping down our necks, the kids can't take another minute........ STILL LIVE BUGS!!!!

DAY 2: K......need to do something desperate! SHAVE NOAH"S HEAD! There! He's done! The two younglins are clean. But Isaiah, I'm NOT going to shave her head. So Isaiah and I dye our hair! It seems like that worked! No more live bugs. YAAA! Spend 2 HOURS picking out about 20 eggs. Feel like we're getting somewhere.

Day 3: I'm doing the routine laundry. drying ALL bedding so that the heat kills anything. Vacuuming couches, floors and mattresses. Some people may think this is over kill...... Do the daily routine check on Isaiah, and find 2 eggs! Did I miss them? Cause I SWEAR, I picked them all out the day before...but I guess I missed them..... Go to the top of her head....A DAMN LIVE BUG!!!! Where the %$#@ did he come from? Did this bug hatch overnight and lay 2 eggs? How did this bug survive all this treatment? Did she pick it up from a couch? A bed....that was vacuumed?

Each day, everyone gets a pure tea tree oil head treatment. We leave it on for 30 minutes with a shower cap on to hopefully kill and prevent reinfestation. Go to nit pick Isaiah....and find 7 more eggs! Will this ever end? Did I MISS them? Or did a bug lay these eggs?
Over the next 2 days, I do find an egg here and there on Isaiah, but no bugs. on day 5....NO MORE EGGS!

Tomorrow marks the 7th day and hopefully the day of completion. Tomorrow we again all treat ourselves, just to be sure. Isaiah has taken this all in stride. All the sitting and picking and washing and losing all their dear stuffties....

Pondering on all this experience, I have never been on the other side of lice before. It's opened my eyes to a few things. I will share that in the next post.

Thankful

Sitting here, checking my email....

I get a short and sweet message from my hubby that has been in Regina for a Promise Keepers convention that reads:

I miss you too, God is good. see you tonight.
Joe

It just hits me. I stare at the message. My eyes well up with tears. My heart is overwhelmed with the weight of these words. Why?

A little over a year ago, Joe walked out. For the first week, I had no idea IF he would ever come back. Joe and I communicated through emails for the first while. Each letter was cold, hard and calloused. Each letter broke my heart to read......
During our separation, I would sit at the computer and stare at his emails....and cry.....
I didn't know where he was, how I could even reach him, all he had to do was turn his phone off and he was forever disconnected from me.

Ironically, just 1/2 hour ago, I was sitting eating lunch when my heart cried out, "GOD....please don't let me go back to the way things were. Don't let all this be for nothing.....please make us into an amazing testimony that makes a difference. Don't let all this pain dump down a black hole"
......Only to sit down and have God open my eyes to a short, simple email. He showed me that we are a miracle. We weren't supposed to make it! We should be divorced! I should be alone....
But I'm not. By God's grace and mercy, Joe is building the most amazing relationships with the guys in our circle. He has a renewed passion for life and is filled with purpose. He leads us, loves us, cherishes us. I have a new husband!

The plane did crash....yes. I sometimes get mad that the plane had to go down. But I need to remember that I was pulled from the burning plane. I could have died in the flames. We could have died.....

God....please.....OPEN MY EYES ALL THE MORE! Show me your goodness in everything! Like you did today
Thank you

what's underneath?

My parents have a beautiful lawn......um, not....
Their lawn is covered in thistles, dandilions and quack grass. It's a pain in the ass to cut and to care for. But it wasn't always this way.

When my parents first viewed the house, the lawn was green, fresh, and weed free. There were even a couple of planters in the backyard for a garden and flowers. It looked amazing! After the first year, the lawn was easy to keep nice and green. A couple of doses of fertilizer, water and regular cutting did the job.

The second year was quite a bit harder to maintain, weeds were popping up and parts of the lawn were going brown.
The third year was the charm, that was when it hit us all the truth of this lovely lawn.
The previous owners, in order to sell the house, laid sod ON TOP of a CRAP lawn! As a quick fix, she didn't bother to rip up the old lawn to lay the new one. The root system of the old was never ripped out......so....after 3 years of sweating to keep this "nice green lawn" looking good, we realized the inevitable was taking place. Whatever was underneath was slowly poking through and was going to take over the whole yard.

My parents now know that they will never have a "velvet" lawn. My dad did put some decent effort this year (the 6th year) into it, but all his efforts were useless in match of the root system.
The only answer to this is to gut out the whole thing and lay NEW SEED.
It's such a good picture for me. Bad fruit comes from bad roots. You can't fake good fruit if the roots are bad, you just can't. The years that we've given it a good honest effort to green up the lawn, we can never produce something that's not there.

In this last year, I've been challenged to my very being, to my very core, and I still am. I had to make some very hard choices this year. I love my sisters post on choose. It says it totally bang on. Choose your hard.

Joe and I almost didn't make it last year. It's been one full year since my hubby walked out that door and a broken family was a very real reality staring me in the face. Both Joe and I have made the HARD choice to reconcile. I say HARD because it's not easy to rip up a lawn. Up root a tree, jack hammer out a foundation!!! But that's what we've chosen to do. All the bad fruit coming from bad roots needed to be uprooted.

Daily, I still face the choice between what kind of lawn I want in my life. It's really really hard! It seems so much easier to just give it some water, throw it some seed in hopes of good fruit, but in the long run, at the end of the day, it's still a lawn full of weeds. This has been my challenge. With God's grace, Joe and I have been able to uproot some really yucky stuff. But on a personal level, talking about me, and what's inside of my heart, God is calling me to trust him to uproot even more. It's so scary. Who wants to be bear looking like a big dirt pile? Who wants to go through the back breaking work of the digging, the dumping, and the planting? Alot of times....not me.....

I keep calling to the warrior in me, to be strong and courageous, to be brave and full of hope and faith that I will be better off to dig than to throw seed into the wind.
Maybe everytime I pass my parents lawn and see all the weeds, I will be reminded that that's NOT what I want.

Reason for the dream

If you read my last post, I had a dream a few days ago. God spoke to me the next day as to why he gave that dream to me.

In my dream, there are two ways of looking at the situation.
The first perspective is to see a wife who is going to cheat on her husband! She is making very poor choices and is not taking responsiblity for her actions! She should have someone knock some sense into her! If nothing else, Joe should be furious and hurt! She should have the natural consequences come to her, so that she will learn her lesson. She should be corrected, reproofed, rebuked, and punished. Joe should show her very limited mercy, since she was about to commit one of the most betraying sins there is!

Or.......

In my dream (if you read it) Joe lovingly, and full of compassion and mercy, whispers gently in my ear that God the Father would heal me, love me and show me my worth. Why would a husband do that? Or a more important question is HOW could a husband do that?

By the power of God and all that He is....God IS THOSE THINGS, and to move HIS heart THROUGH Joe is EXACTLY what God wants us to do for others! God SEES the brokenness of our hearts. In my dream, Joe saw through the eyes of God and saw my pain, my hurt, my low self worth. He understood WHY I would do such a thing. God doesn't concentrate on WHAT we do....but WHY we do them.....

It's in this kind of amazing relationship that people are healed, set free, and released from sin. In my dream, I didn't WANT to cheat on Joe! I just wanted love, I just wanted comfort, and in my brokenness, I did NOT know HOW to find it.....

It's through God, picking us up, whispering love into our ear, in the midst of our sin that we find out that we are loved no matter what.