Moving on....
Although this will have the same type of thread from the last post.
God wants us to know His love. We throw that around all the time. To me, I'm actually getting tired of words. I'm sick of hearing words that center around love. It irritates me. I think it's because I really don't know what it means. I know in my head all these things, I've been asking God for them too, and I know He hears me and will answer, but I'm so broken inside. I don't know how to heal. I'm not dumb, I know I can't force healing, it will come in it's time.....but still.....
I feel like I'm hanging over a cliff but I'm not falling. Just hanging there suspended in mid air knowing that I am going to fall, that I need to fall, that I will fall eventually (surrender and fall into my Daddy God arns).....but what's the hold up?
Hurt, fear, pain.....more hurt, fear and more pain.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads. Like this could go 2 ways. I could get bitter and have my life deeply rooted in fear and insecurity. Or I could heal, love freely and walk right into my destiny. I just don't know how......
I know that my God has the power to redeem me, heal me. I do believe (speaking with my eyes of faith and choosing to speak apart from fear) that I will someday be an incredible woman equipped to help other hurting women.....of course, that's easily "said" (again with words I'm tired of hearing) but how how how how how do I get there?
My worth. Being on a deliberate chosen journey of stripping myself of some comforts, I am realizing where my worth lies. I feel like I'm on some kind of operating table with all my organs exposed. I have been crying somedays, non stop. Understand that this crying is a good thing. It's all part of releasing poison deep inside. But it's really catching me off guard.
I know I have many spiritual mothers out there that are so faithful in praying for me. I am so grateful for them, cause I know they've got my back. Please pray that I can truly forgive. I don't know how on my own strength.....
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Divorce, separation, heartache......
I've been thinking alot about divorce and separation in the last 6 months. Being that my family almost broke apart and I had a taste of heartbreak and abandonment, my eyes are opened to so many things.
I've been amazed at how divorce and separation are EVERYWHERE!! EVERYWHERE PEOPLE! Before Joe left me in the fall, I would have to say that I lived in a "happily ever after" bubble. My marriage would never crumble and it was normal to see relationships broken around me. But it would never happen to me! After all, we said "I do, till death parts us"
How are we coping as a society, as a church, as mankind to deal with all this divorce? I'd have to say, NOT VERY WELL. Everywhere I go, there's a woman, heart broken from separation.
At Faith's ballet this morning, a mom on her cell phone, "So I guess I'm taking her to skating? It's your weekend!" Then addresses her 3 year old daughter, "Sorry honey, you can't see your dad today, I will take you to his house tomorrow"
Last year I watched mom from Isaiah's ballet class go through a divorce. Now a year later, her face has no life, no joy, and walls built so thick around her....it grieves me.
When Joe left me, My chest literally hurt. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt. Childbirth was a breeze! I'd do 48 hours of labor any day, over going through separation!
How does society deal with it? We are so empty as mankind! Just turn on your radio and all you will hear are songs that are trying to cope and deal with the rejection, the abandonment, the hurt, the betrayal of adultery.....
Women and men are made different. God designed us with different desires. Women long to be the beauty of a story. They long for a prince that will fight for her to the death. Men long to be a warrior. It's in their blueprints to have a woman to fight for, to be that valiant knight in a story, rescuing a princess in a castle. Movies everywhere captivate this. LOTR have influencial princesses and strong men that are honorable and courageous. Braveheart, saving private ryan, even maid in manhattan is a story of Cinderella. It's in our core, in our beings.
Men and woman that don't have that moral compass inside (God) don't have the ability to love another properly. Their love becomes toxic. If you compare the men and women popular artists, you will be able to hear the poison, the ways of coping, the toxic love that comes into their lyrics.
Our world is empty and filling their voids with ways to survive all the heartache. Songs by women sing of using their bodies as leverage over men to recieve toxic love. Toxic is better than nothing. Men sing about power and control and about worshipping the body of a woman. It's such a game. And mankind knows how the game is played.
Lady gaga sings a song called "Love game" and it literally talks about how the game is played. "Pokerface" is another example of the manipulation and mindgames that are played out there. She says, "I'll get him hot, show him what I've got" but all the while keeping a pokerface cause she's holding all the cards.
Britney Spears actually has a song called "Toxic" that's pretty sick. Most of her music centers around playing the game. "womanizer, Radar and Break the Ice" to name a few. "Circus" talks about her being the center of attention, having all the power and control. She says,"I run a tight ship, so beware"
The men willingly play into it in their songs fully admitting that they have no control over their lust. Justin Timberlake sings "Love Stoned" which says, "she's got me loved stoned, she's bad and I think that she knows.....she' might be coming home with me tonight" His songs like "Rock you body, Sexy Back, Senorita" His lyrics are full of that game. You give me your body, I'll give you this fake, toxic love to tie you over to the next "fix".
I think that this Rihanna/Chris Brown is totally sad. Even in Hollywood, with all that money/power/sex, she will still put up with physical abuse in her relatinships.
The male rappers are particularly bad, taking it to the next level. Degrading women, literally calling them vulgar names and saying they are only worth their bodies. Eminem, 50 cent, Dr. Dre rap about power, money, and getting high as a way of coping of the big gapping hole in their hearts.
Sadly, I'd have to say that last year, I was listening to all this crap. My hubby also went through a phase of empty music that lead us both down very dangerous and sinful paths. This music encourages infidelity, flirting and feeding a part of our flesh that doesn't need any extra watering. The part of us that should have been crucified with Christ!
I'm careful to pick my music now. It's interesting that there are some songs that sing of this "love story" that is truly meant to be a picture of God and his bride. It's so natural for us to sing of that love story of being pursued and having someone to trust and never let us down. I have many secular songs that sing of the love story that I worship to. You can very easily sing to God instead of a boyfriend or girlfriend. Untouched, by the Veronicas is a good example. No Air by Jordin Sparks is another good one.
I will rant more on this later. So many thoughts on this
I've been amazed at how divorce and separation are EVERYWHERE!! EVERYWHERE PEOPLE! Before Joe left me in the fall, I would have to say that I lived in a "happily ever after" bubble. My marriage would never crumble and it was normal to see relationships broken around me. But it would never happen to me! After all, we said "I do, till death parts us"
How are we coping as a society, as a church, as mankind to deal with all this divorce? I'd have to say, NOT VERY WELL. Everywhere I go, there's a woman, heart broken from separation.
At Faith's ballet this morning, a mom on her cell phone, "So I guess I'm taking her to skating? It's your weekend!" Then addresses her 3 year old daughter, "Sorry honey, you can't see your dad today, I will take you to his house tomorrow"
Last year I watched mom from Isaiah's ballet class go through a divorce. Now a year later, her face has no life, no joy, and walls built so thick around her....it grieves me.
When Joe left me, My chest literally hurt. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt. Childbirth was a breeze! I'd do 48 hours of labor any day, over going through separation!
How does society deal with it? We are so empty as mankind! Just turn on your radio and all you will hear are songs that are trying to cope and deal with the rejection, the abandonment, the hurt, the betrayal of adultery.....
Women and men are made different. God designed us with different desires. Women long to be the beauty of a story. They long for a prince that will fight for her to the death. Men long to be a warrior. It's in their blueprints to have a woman to fight for, to be that valiant knight in a story, rescuing a princess in a castle. Movies everywhere captivate this. LOTR have influencial princesses and strong men that are honorable and courageous. Braveheart, saving private ryan, even maid in manhattan is a story of Cinderella. It's in our core, in our beings.
Men and woman that don't have that moral compass inside (God) don't have the ability to love another properly. Their love becomes toxic. If you compare the men and women popular artists, you will be able to hear the poison, the ways of coping, the toxic love that comes into their lyrics.
Our world is empty and filling their voids with ways to survive all the heartache. Songs by women sing of using their bodies as leverage over men to recieve toxic love. Toxic is better than nothing. Men sing about power and control and about worshipping the body of a woman. It's such a game. And mankind knows how the game is played.
Lady gaga sings a song called "Love game" and it literally talks about how the game is played. "Pokerface" is another example of the manipulation and mindgames that are played out there. She says, "I'll get him hot, show him what I've got" but all the while keeping a pokerface cause she's holding all the cards.
Britney Spears actually has a song called "Toxic" that's pretty sick. Most of her music centers around playing the game. "womanizer, Radar and Break the Ice" to name a few. "Circus" talks about her being the center of attention, having all the power and control. She says,"I run a tight ship, so beware"
The men willingly play into it in their songs fully admitting that they have no control over their lust. Justin Timberlake sings "Love Stoned" which says, "she's got me loved stoned, she's bad and I think that she knows.....she' might be coming home with me tonight" His songs like "Rock you body, Sexy Back, Senorita" His lyrics are full of that game. You give me your body, I'll give you this fake, toxic love to tie you over to the next "fix".
I think that this Rihanna/Chris Brown is totally sad. Even in Hollywood, with all that money/power/sex, she will still put up with physical abuse in her relatinships.
The male rappers are particularly bad, taking it to the next level. Degrading women, literally calling them vulgar names and saying they are only worth their bodies. Eminem, 50 cent, Dr. Dre rap about power, money, and getting high as a way of coping of the big gapping hole in their hearts.
Sadly, I'd have to say that last year, I was listening to all this crap. My hubby also went through a phase of empty music that lead us both down very dangerous and sinful paths. This music encourages infidelity, flirting and feeding a part of our flesh that doesn't need any extra watering. The part of us that should have been crucified with Christ!
I'm careful to pick my music now. It's interesting that there are some songs that sing of this "love story" that is truly meant to be a picture of God and his bride. It's so natural for us to sing of that love story of being pursued and having someone to trust and never let us down. I have many secular songs that sing of the love story that I worship to. You can very easily sing to God instead of a boyfriend or girlfriend. Untouched, by the Veronicas is a good example. No Air by Jordin Sparks is another good one.
I will rant more on this later. So many thoughts on this
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
some pics of this and that
Me and my loverly sis after our first swim with the older ones in school!
Down the "wee!"
My new favorite meal! Veggies galore and sauteed shrimp
My all time favorite thing...getting a kiss from Joe
Me and Faith did facial masks today! how fun!
She had cherry and I had lavender
Down the "wee!"
My new favorite meal! Veggies galore and sauteed shrimp
My all time favorite thing...getting a kiss from Joe
Me and Faith did facial masks today! how fun!
She had cherry and I had lavender
Monday, March 16, 2009
My top 11 workout songs
1. Jai Ho! A.R. Rahman and the pussycat dolls
2. Beautiful U R by Deborah Cox
3. Circus by Britney Spears
4. Rehab by Rihanna
5. Untouched by The Veronica's
6. You're gonna make it by KJ 52
7. For the moments I feel faint by Relient K
8. Sing to me by The Pinel Family
9. Die another day by Madonna
10. You by Britt Nicole
11. Love is a battlefield by Pat Benatar
2. Beautiful U R by Deborah Cox
3. Circus by Britney Spears
4. Rehab by Rihanna
5. Untouched by The Veronica's
6. You're gonna make it by KJ 52
7. For the moments I feel faint by Relient K
8. Sing to me by The Pinel Family
9. Die another day by Madonna
10. You by Britt Nicole
11. Love is a battlefield by Pat Benatar
Saturday, March 14, 2009
My new running song
I think it's very cool when God speaks through secular music. I recently bought this song after hearing it on the radio. This song features the pussycat dolls (which is not a very wholesome band to say the least!)......But this song will get my crying in the gym from the worship that pours from my heart. It's called Jai Ho! Some of the song, God is singing to me and then me singing to him.
I got fever
Running like a fire,
For you I will go all the way,
I wanna take you higher
I keep it steady steady,
That's how I feel it.
This beat is heavy so heavy
You gonna feel it.
You are the reason that I breathe
You are the reason that I still believe
You are my destiny,
Jai Ho! Uh-uh-uh-oh!
No there is nothing that can stop us
Nothing can ever come between us
So come and dance with me,
Catch me, catch me, catch me, c'mon, catch me,
I want you now,
I know you can save me, come and save me,
I need you now.
I am yours forever, yes, forever,
I will follow,
Anywhere in anyway,
Never gonna let go.
Escape away
I'll take you to a place,
This fantasy of you and me,
I'll never lose my chance.
I can feel you
Rushing through my veins,
There's an notion in my heart,
I will never be the same.
Just keep it burnin', yeah
Just keep it comin',
You're gonna find out
I'm one in a million.
Catch me, catch me, catch me, c'mon, catch me,
I want you now,
I know you can save me, come and save me,
I need you now.
I need you,
Gonna make it
I'm ready,
So take it!
I got fever
Running like a fire,
For you I will go all the way,
I wanna take you higher
I keep it steady steady,
That's how I feel it.
This beat is heavy so heavy
You gonna feel it.
You are the reason that I breathe
You are the reason that I still believe
You are my destiny,
Jai Ho! Uh-uh-uh-oh!
No there is nothing that can stop us
Nothing can ever come between us
So come and dance with me,
Catch me, catch me, catch me, c'mon, catch me,
I want you now,
I know you can save me, come and save me,
I need you now.
I am yours forever, yes, forever,
I will follow,
Anywhere in anyway,
Never gonna let go.
Escape away
I'll take you to a place,
This fantasy of you and me,
I'll never lose my chance.
I can feel you
Rushing through my veins,
There's an notion in my heart,
I will never be the same.
Just keep it burnin', yeah
Just keep it comin',
You're gonna find out
I'm one in a million.
Catch me, catch me, catch me, c'mon, catch me,
I want you now,
I know you can save me, come and save me,
I need you now.
I need you,
Gonna make it
I'm ready,
So take it!
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Good things.....hard things
hard things:
Kids in school is an adjustment to us all. The hard part about this is that yet another identity has been stripped from me. I am no longer "sarah-the homeschool mom" So I'm still wondering in yet a deeper painful way, "who am I"
We are approaching a very very difficult season. I can't share at all what it is, but needless to say, IT"S GOING TO HURTTTTTTTT! I do believe that much good will come out of it, otherwise there's no way I would walk this way if I didn't know God was calling us this way....So surrounding this is much much fear.....fear of what I'll find, fear of how much it will hurt...
Emotional eating. The first week the kids went back to school, it was a 'fall off the wagon' week. Of course compared to "fall off the wagon" one year ago looked alot different! Never the less, it's what's going on in my heart that matters. And turning to old ways of coping with fear and change wasn't fun. I'm still wobbly, I'd say that I'm half way back on the wagon (to my standards of eating) It really bums me out when I fill my body with junk! I physicaly and spiritually just feel like a lump of lard!
Good things:
Kids going to school. It's a very cool thing at the same time. There is a big part of me that's excited for new purpose and a new season that God is bringing to our family. The second week was much much better than the first. I am enjoying spending time with my baby girls one on two. We've gone swimming, story time at the library, we play playdoh, paint, play preschool computer games, read books, tell stories, visit kokum, visit auntie and daniel.....and this is just the beginning! Soon it will be nice out and we will be going for walks, to parks, to the zoo, on nature hikes, biking.....the list seems so ENDLESS to me! two kids? how long has it been since I've only had two kids??????? try 9 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are approaching a difficult season. My spirit knows that this is a key ticket to my healing. I know in my spirit deep down that this pain will be the release of much hurt. My eyes of faith (if I still have some) sees as healing on the horizon. Sees a warrior emerging from deep within me. Sees a confidence that's never been there before, sees a deep tie to my Father and not to the things that leave me empty......
Emotional eating. When I compare one year ago to today, it's really actually unbelieveable to see "my emotional eating week" today, from last year. Let me paint it for you:
two years ago (before i started running)
Breakfast-2-3 pieces of toast loaded in butter, a bowl of cereal and my kids' leftover crusts!
snack-cookies (maybe as many as 5-10!)
lunch-two bowls of kraft dinner with breaded chicken fingers. and my kids' left overs
snack-more bread with more butter or bagels, or english muffins or donuts......
supper- after eating a serving while cooking, i would eat two helpings of some kind of fattening food all gravy, all sauce, all bread.....AND the kids' left overs and while cleaning up....more food!
before bed- cookies, or brownies, or icecream or popcorn, but 4-5 times out of the week, i would eat myself stuffed before bed.
alot of this food would be thrown up. My body exhasted from digesting a sick amount of food PLUS the work of all the vomiting.....
MAN!!! THANK GOD YOU SAVED ME!
Today:
A fairly normal healthy eating day. But when the kids got home from school, they were all hungry and I ate with them. Last week I was eating cookies and bread for comfort. The quanities were cut in at least half. and not throwing up! I still had my regular workouts and am turning it around each day.
So there you have it.....once again.....I'm wearing out the saying, "BITTERSWEET"
But that's what my life is......bittersweet
joyful/sorrowful......
no numbness around here!
Kids in school is an adjustment to us all. The hard part about this is that yet another identity has been stripped from me. I am no longer "sarah-the homeschool mom" So I'm still wondering in yet a deeper painful way, "who am I"
We are approaching a very very difficult season. I can't share at all what it is, but needless to say, IT"S GOING TO HURTTTTTTTT! I do believe that much good will come out of it, otherwise there's no way I would walk this way if I didn't know God was calling us this way....So surrounding this is much much fear.....fear of what I'll find, fear of how much it will hurt...
Emotional eating. The first week the kids went back to school, it was a 'fall off the wagon' week. Of course compared to "fall off the wagon" one year ago looked alot different! Never the less, it's what's going on in my heart that matters. And turning to old ways of coping with fear and change wasn't fun. I'm still wobbly, I'd say that I'm half way back on the wagon (to my standards of eating) It really bums me out when I fill my body with junk! I physicaly and spiritually just feel like a lump of lard!
Good things:
Kids going to school. It's a very cool thing at the same time. There is a big part of me that's excited for new purpose and a new season that God is bringing to our family. The second week was much much better than the first. I am enjoying spending time with my baby girls one on two. We've gone swimming, story time at the library, we play playdoh, paint, play preschool computer games, read books, tell stories, visit kokum, visit auntie and daniel.....and this is just the beginning! Soon it will be nice out and we will be going for walks, to parks, to the zoo, on nature hikes, biking.....the list seems so ENDLESS to me! two kids? how long has it been since I've only had two kids??????? try 9 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are approaching a difficult season. My spirit knows that this is a key ticket to my healing. I know in my spirit deep down that this pain will be the release of much hurt. My eyes of faith (if I still have some) sees as healing on the horizon. Sees a warrior emerging from deep within me. Sees a confidence that's never been there before, sees a deep tie to my Father and not to the things that leave me empty......
Emotional eating. When I compare one year ago to today, it's really actually unbelieveable to see "my emotional eating week" today, from last year. Let me paint it for you:
two years ago (before i started running)
Breakfast-2-3 pieces of toast loaded in butter, a bowl of cereal and my kids' leftover crusts!
snack-cookies (maybe as many as 5-10!)
lunch-two bowls of kraft dinner with breaded chicken fingers. and my kids' left overs
snack-more bread with more butter or bagels, or english muffins or donuts......
supper- after eating a serving while cooking, i would eat two helpings of some kind of fattening food all gravy, all sauce, all bread.....AND the kids' left overs and while cleaning up....more food!
before bed- cookies, or brownies, or icecream or popcorn, but 4-5 times out of the week, i would eat myself stuffed before bed.
alot of this food would be thrown up. My body exhasted from digesting a sick amount of food PLUS the work of all the vomiting.....
MAN!!! THANK GOD YOU SAVED ME!
Today:
A fairly normal healthy eating day. But when the kids got home from school, they were all hungry and I ate with them. Last week I was eating cookies and bread for comfort. The quanities were cut in at least half. and not throwing up! I still had my regular workouts and am turning it around each day.
So there you have it.....once again.....I'm wearing out the saying, "BITTERSWEET"
But that's what my life is......bittersweet
joyful/sorrowful......
no numbness around here!
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