Christmas is over.....phew......
It was a good christmas, hard, sad, but good. im glad it's over tho. 5 days of running around with sick kids was not the funnest part. Being with family, celebrating all that we do have, laughing, those were the good moments.
At one point, there was a present under the tree for Caleb that my mom forgot to rip last years tags off. Had a big cry about that. Joe and I are wrestling and trying to walk down this path together, it's been hard for us. Being that we are different parts of the path at the same time. I'm so thankful I have him. He's really the only one that knows what it was really like to take care of Caleb, to live with him, to know the hardships of that road. The other night, we came together and realized how importnant it is to lean on eachother. I have had my sister, my mom, and others to walk with, but I've realized that Joe is the one....Not that I don't need my sis or mom, but Joe is my other half, the one God gave me to walk through life with.
I feel bad for Joe, I think people don't realize it, but it seems that he hasn't been "allowed" to grieve. His dad in particular, models the attitude,'just carry on, move on" and becuase joe's a man, there's less room for him to heal, cry, just be.
That's a very short update of the holidays.
can't wait for new years. im very excited about that.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
sung to the 12 days of christmas
On the first day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Can you homeschool legally?”
On the second day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the third day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the fourth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the fifth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the sixth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “How long will you homeschool, YOU ARE S0 STRANGE, what about P.E. , do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the seventh day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you homeschool legally?”
On the eighth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Why do you do this, look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, what about P.E. do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you homeschool legally?”
On the ninth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “They’ll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E. do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you homeschool legally?”
On the tenth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “What about graduation, they’ll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the eleventh day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “I could never do that, what about graduation, they’ll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the twelfth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Can they go to college, I could never do that, what about graduation, they’ll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the thirteenth day of homeschool I thoughtfully replied: “They Can go to college, yes you can do this, they can have graduation, we don’t like the prom, we do it cuz we like it, they are missing nothing, we’ll homeschool forever, WE ARE NOT STRANGE!, We give them P.E., and we give them tests, they are socialized, AND WE HOMESCHOOL LEGALLY!
On the fourteenth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “How can I get started, why didn’t you tell me, where do I buy curriculum, when is the next conference, WILL PEOPLE THINK WE’RE STRANGE? I think we can do this, if you will help us, we’ll join a sports team, and we’ll homeschool legally.
On the second day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the third day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the fourth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the fifth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the sixth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “How long will you homeschool, YOU ARE S0 STRANGE, what about P.E. , do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the seventh day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you homeschool legally?”
On the eighth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Why do you do this, look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, what about P.E. do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you homeschool legally?”
On the ninth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “They’ll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E. do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you homeschool legally?”
On the tenth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “What about graduation, they’ll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the eleventh day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “I could never do that, what about graduation, they’ll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the twelfth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “Can they go to college, I could never do that, what about graduation, they’ll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they’re missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?”
On the thirteenth day of homeschool I thoughtfully replied: “They Can go to college, yes you can do this, they can have graduation, we don’t like the prom, we do it cuz we like it, they are missing nothing, we’ll homeschool forever, WE ARE NOT STRANGE!, We give them P.E., and we give them tests, they are socialized, AND WE HOMESCHOOL LEGALLY!
On the fourteenth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, “How can I get started, why didn’t you tell me, where do I buy curriculum, when is the next conference, WILL PEOPLE THINK WE’RE STRANGE? I think we can do this, if you will help us, we’ll join a sports team, and we’ll homeschool legally.
a poem that blessed me
I know I'm not full into schooling in this season of my life right now, but it still blessed me being a homeschooling mom to my very being.
I look forward to a fresh start in the new year!
Enjoy!
Twas the Night Before Christmas Homeschool Style
(Author Unknown)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the home,
Children were still studying for their test on Rome.
Mom was planning, she had just an hour,
To teach 'one more lesson' before their night shower.
A whole week of vacation, the children were thrilled,
But Mom saw the lesson plans, and the blocks were still filled.
"Can I stop for a day, much less a whole week?"
Just the thought of time off made me shudder and shriek!
Would they remember anything, would they fall behind?
"Lord, I need your help, just give me a sign!!!"
Then out on the sidewalk, I saw my four boys,
And I heard them say, "it's not about toys."
To the neighborhood kids, they explained Jesus' birth,
And how through Jesus, not toys, we gain our worth.
At that point, math and spelling and learning to write,
Meant little to me as I had lost the sight
Of what teaching at home was truly about.
Then I sat at my desk and began to pout.
The pouts turned to sobs, "Lord what have I done?
It's not about grades, but to follow your Son!"
"Please guide me and show me my job is to teach,
and turn them to you, and of Jesus I'll preach."
Now we'll put away books and not open them 'til later,
We'll focus on Jesus, our Lord and Creator.
It's His day and so we will all celebrate,
I'll never mention the words "behind" or "we're late".
So, Thank You, Lord, for blessing me,
With such a great husband and family.
Now homeschooling moms, TURN OUT THE SCHOOL LIGHT!
And, "Happy Christmas To All And To All A Good Night!"
I look forward to a fresh start in the new year!
Enjoy!
Twas the Night Before Christmas Homeschool Style
(Author Unknown)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the home,
Children were still studying for their test on Rome.
Mom was planning, she had just an hour,
To teach 'one more lesson' before their night shower.
A whole week of vacation, the children were thrilled,
But Mom saw the lesson plans, and the blocks were still filled.
"Can I stop for a day, much less a whole week?"
Just the thought of time off made me shudder and shriek!
Would they remember anything, would they fall behind?
"Lord, I need your help, just give me a sign!!!"
Then out on the sidewalk, I saw my four boys,
And I heard them say, "it's not about toys."
To the neighborhood kids, they explained Jesus' birth,
And how through Jesus, not toys, we gain our worth.
At that point, math and spelling and learning to write,
Meant little to me as I had lost the sight
Of what teaching at home was truly about.
Then I sat at my desk and began to pout.
The pouts turned to sobs, "Lord what have I done?
It's not about grades, but to follow your Son!"
"Please guide me and show me my job is to teach,
and turn them to you, and of Jesus I'll preach."
Now we'll put away books and not open them 'til later,
We'll focus on Jesus, our Lord and Creator.
It's His day and so we will all celebrate,
I'll never mention the words "behind" or "we're late".
So, Thank You, Lord, for blessing me,
With such a great husband and family.
Now homeschooling moms, TURN OUT THE SCHOOL LIGHT!
And, "Happy Christmas To All And To All A Good Night!"
an amazing post that i needed to go back and read!
Please comment your thoughts! I love this post. I love the author of this post.
Why do we need church family?
Thursday, December 14, 2006
bits and pieces
I don't like being at the will of my emotions. I've been praying about that. There seems to be a fine line between letting myself grieve and "just be" and letting sin into my life through worry, anger, frustration..... I was so annoyed today. at everything.
We went for our last ultrasound before the baby comes. THE FOOT WAS IN THE WAY! don't know the sex.....wanted to find out. so i guess 1 out of 5 babies will be a surprise...im mostly okay with that. but i wish i knew. wanna paint the baby's room....
I'm going to be spending the next 3 nights at the church.....don't feel like that either....
Basement is coming along, contractor is officially on vacation now. we are on our own now. big things to do yet. tub surround, door installing, painting carpets, electrical......blah
wanna go out and eat a big mac, can't....
liked my sister's post today, she's awesome. love her new house, all her colors, her ideas, wanna copy her....can't.....
my baby is at the door with her boots on, gotta go....
We went for our last ultrasound before the baby comes. THE FOOT WAS IN THE WAY! don't know the sex.....wanted to find out. so i guess 1 out of 5 babies will be a surprise...im mostly okay with that. but i wish i knew. wanna paint the baby's room....
I'm going to be spending the next 3 nights at the church.....don't feel like that either....
Basement is coming along, contractor is officially on vacation now. we are on our own now. big things to do yet. tub surround, door installing, painting carpets, electrical......blah
wanna go out and eat a big mac, can't....
liked my sister's post today, she's awesome. love her new house, all her colors, her ideas, wanna copy her....can't.....
my baby is at the door with her boots on, gotta go....
Monday, December 11, 2006
good day
I love my hubby. My sister and I went out for a quick coffee last night and was bragging up our hubbies to eachother. It's amazing how we can be sitting in a pile of mud and every now and then, we'll fling some mud in their faces only to have them gently wipe their faces clean and say, "i love you, what do you need?"
My hubby has been so supportive, steady, and understanding.
He's hard working, selfless and puts his family in his utmost priority.
He's been so faithful in working in our basement, meeting our needs, putting in his all at work.....
Today was a good day. With the basement almost completed and in the finishing stages, the stress is easing off. As much as the pain of Caleb is rolling in, there is a definite healing behind the pain. I sat in His presence today, just pouring out my heart in worship. What a safe place. It was like I was carried to this place where no one could hurt me. Where, even tho I was hurting, I was in the highest level of care. That He was taking care of my hurt.
Before caleb passed, I was having a hard time "just being"
Just being the way I am before my God, my daddy, my father. I had a hard time recieving the unconditional love that God had for me. I've always struggled with having to "preform" "be good" If I'm sinning, he doesn't love me and if I'm "doing well" he loves me. It's been years that God has been trying to unravel this perverted way of thinking in my life.
Now that Caleb is gone, and I'm totally broken. I couldn't even force myself to be someone im not, even if i tried with all my might. I HAVE to be just me. So today, to sit in His presence and JUST BE, was so healing.
I love to praise God in the midst of trials. I love to declare that HE IS STILL WORTHY through hard times.....becuase I know he is.
I love that I can hide away in this "secret place" and know that I am in the hands of a mighty God. Today, I wanted him to know with my own lips that He is worthy, He is good, that I love him, that I trust Him. I really do trust him and his plans for me....for my family.
I know that there are days when I'm really down, sad, even depressed. But God is showing me that that's OKAY. He knows my heart. He knows I still love him and trust him and that it's okay to be sad and that doesn't mean that I'm not strong, or that I don't have a solid enough foundation in Him.
I want to follow him. I want His will.......
I want people to know........HE is WORTHY of our lives......still.....especially when things are dark and dim. Caleb would want that.
Friday, December 08, 2006
on the journey
I'm am starting to use my blog as a place to really get down my feelings.
I would have to say that the shock, the denial is definitly wearing off. I spent the first month after his death just not believing it. "this can't be happening" I would be driving, or doing dishes, or shopping....and just very vigoursly shake my head "NO" I would shake it just out of the blue. If my thoughts turned to Caleb, I would just start involuntary shaking "no".
They have a little display at Caleb's old school in the commons area. A place where they display all the children that have attendended John Dolan School that have passed away. There is a plaque with names and dates, there are pictures of students that have died...........Well, last month, I went there to drop off some things and they showed me this "display".
Caleb's picture was in there, his name was on the plaque (1997-2006) I thought, "what the heck is he in this display for???? with all these other dead kids?????" Why in the world does his name have two years instead of one?????????"
I just stood there, stared at it for a long time, had a tear or two, and shook my head "no" again.....
My friend lost a spouse 9 years ago. she said it took her 5 months to realize that he was never coming back. she shared this with me in my "shock state". I thought sheesh! how long am I going to be numb?? I felt guilty for feeling numb. I thought, maybe I didn't love him enough. Now I realize that i DID.....
The thing about caleb is that his whole life, I stuffed inside. I didn't deal with things, caleb's whole life. The pain and trials of taking care of a severely disabled child was too intense for me to face. As caleb got older, I ended up stuffing more and more. I just couldn't take the pain. I am NOT talking about him dying, getting sick, passing away, him dead now....
I am talking about HIS LIFE on earth.
So now that he's really for truly gone, not only do i have his death to deal with, the loss of him, but to work through 10 years of unresovled issues.......OUCH>>>>>>>>>>>>(insert much pain here)
Before caleb even got sick, 2 weeks before he was admitted to hospital, God started a work in my heart. I was at church and the speaker was talking about parts of your heart that you won't give to God. When God finally broke open that HUGE dam, I cryed about caleb like I never had before. I felt like it was the start of my healing, so therefore, i was very confused when caleb DID die, wondering the timing of God......
thats' it for today.....
I would have to say that the shock, the denial is definitly wearing off. I spent the first month after his death just not believing it. "this can't be happening" I would be driving, or doing dishes, or shopping....and just very vigoursly shake my head "NO" I would shake it just out of the blue. If my thoughts turned to Caleb, I would just start involuntary shaking "no".
They have a little display at Caleb's old school in the commons area. A place where they display all the children that have attendended John Dolan School that have passed away. There is a plaque with names and dates, there are pictures of students that have died...........Well, last month, I went there to drop off some things and they showed me this "display".
Caleb's picture was in there, his name was on the plaque (1997-2006) I thought, "what the heck is he in this display for???? with all these other dead kids?????" Why in the world does his name have two years instead of one?????????"
I just stood there, stared at it for a long time, had a tear or two, and shook my head "no" again.....
My friend lost a spouse 9 years ago. she said it took her 5 months to realize that he was never coming back. she shared this with me in my "shock state". I thought sheesh! how long am I going to be numb?? I felt guilty for feeling numb. I thought, maybe I didn't love him enough. Now I realize that i DID.....
The thing about caleb is that his whole life, I stuffed inside. I didn't deal with things, caleb's whole life. The pain and trials of taking care of a severely disabled child was too intense for me to face. As caleb got older, I ended up stuffing more and more. I just couldn't take the pain. I am NOT talking about him dying, getting sick, passing away, him dead now....
I am talking about HIS LIFE on earth.
So now that he's really for truly gone, not only do i have his death to deal with, the loss of him, but to work through 10 years of unresovled issues.......OUCH>>>>>>>>>>>>(insert much pain here)
Before caleb even got sick, 2 weeks before he was admitted to hospital, God started a work in my heart. I was at church and the speaker was talking about parts of your heart that you won't give to God. When God finally broke open that HUGE dam, I cryed about caleb like I never had before. I felt like it was the start of my healing, so therefore, i was very confused when caleb DID die, wondering the timing of God......
thats' it for today.....
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Joe's blog
if you wanna picture update on our basement and how joe is doing, visit his blog and check out the progress here.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
memories
I'm all mixed up inside as a whole. I'm used to being able to tell what I'm feeling, how I'm doing and pressing forward of the high calling in Jesus....
I know in my heart that God IS carrying me....
Something that is blessing me is the reunion with the Mcleod's. Both sister's commented on my last post and I was so encouraged inside. A light, I ray of hope, knowing I'm not alone....
It's so funny, I can't really describe how I'm feeling.
I was downstairs doing laundry today. for those that don't know, we took possesion of this house which we've been renting for 4 and half years and now own it as of October 6th! Being that we were on number 5, we knew we need to renovate our little 3 bedroom house. So contruction started right on the day the house became ours.
after Caleb passed the end of Oct, joe and I didn't want to even go downstairs. The framing was up and the time and we didn't care to finish it....
Our contractor, who happens to be an elder at our church, graciously backed off and gave a couple of weeks to breathe.
Now.....for 2 weeks solid, we've (I mean Joe) has been go go go with help from guys in the church trying to get it done before our contractor goes on vacation on Dec 15th.
The dry wall is up, the mudding and taping are almost done. It is close to the end......
I sat downstairs and cryed....
It should be a happy time, an exciting time, a good thing......
Looking at our new room, my big closet, our new bathroom......
But I'm so sad about it......
christmas is coming......
I'm sad about that too.
The kids and I made a gingerbread house from scratch yesterday and assembled it today. I should be such a joyous time. But something is missing........
Going through the motions......ballet, soccer, putting up the tree, baking......
it all seems empty
i miss the smell of his stinky little hands
rubbing the top of his head which was all stubbly
Taking his foot splints off after school
laying beside him when he's all tucked in bed
Mr. Caleb man
Monday, December 04, 2006
Picture post
I miss my flat tummy....but I will have one again. growin a baby.......
These girls will be close when they are older. there is so much love between them. My niece and Isaiah
They are inseparable.....
My boys............
This would have been our van.....we applied to the kinsmen and childrens' charity for funding for a wheelchair van. we were approved and were ready to drive it away. Caleb passed away 10 days sooner than we were to take possesion of it.
It was an overwhelming ceremony, recieving 20,000$ from children's charity
At canada day, we were all dressed up. we even had tatoos on our faces
Isaiah loves ballet. she's in the pinky tights
Faith loves......fingerpainting>........herself.........and not paper......
She also would love to learn to drive as soon as possible....that's all i have in me for now.
Friday, December 01, 2006
THANK YOU
I am sincerely grateful for all you in blog land. even tho it seems kinda unpersonal at times becuase we've never met, I have been so uplifted by your comments.....thank you so much for regularly visiting me to see how i'm doing and my sister's blog too. all the same people comment and it is so nice to know that you have been consistently there for me.....
I don't really feel like "coffee" anyway. i haven't really felt like going out and socializing other than with close family, so this way, i can have the best of both worlds. again i say thank you.
i feel bad that i can't get onto certain private blogs. Jenny, amber, janelle, kim, connie and anyone else that i have missed. I go around to crystal, tanya's, heather's and tina's regulary, but haven't really commented much.
of course, i visit my church family, but they aren't blogging much these days, so i keep checking for updates.
I have been cleaning all day, finished my laundry, bathed my kids, vacuumed and am looking forward to making some christmas tea and relaxing to some intrumental christmas music infront of my nice white christmas tree when the kids are in bed......
one last room to clean........the kitchen.......groan........
i turned my heart towards worship today. it brought me peace.
i really love you guys. I really do appreciate you. thanks for being there. even tho you don't always know what to say, you go that extra mile to let me know you here and your thinking of me. i know many of you pray for us.
i still sometimes, can't believe this really happened.........
i miss him so much.......
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