Reconciliation

God.....
perfect
Holy
Majestic
righteous
THe very representation of love

Man.....
Wicked
Selfish
unholy
condemned

God, became the form of a man, took punishment for nothing. Died on a cross! Died while I was still being a shmuck!! He hung there, with no sin, and took my sin...ALL OF IT...even the sins I haven't even done yet....

Just so that we could be reconciled.....together.....have intimate relationship.....

So I will respond to God's unconditional love by forgiving others. There was no sin too great for Christ to die for, so it will be with me. He died for murders, prostitutes, rapists, even....child molesters!

How can we grasp this kind of love? There is no one righteous, not even one.

We all need the cross..... God, I choose to forgive. Day after day. You've commanded us this for our own freedom, for the reconciliation of us to you, from us to others. For unity, for peace. Forgiveness is the only way. To bear the pain. To lay our rights aside. To loose our life so we can gain it......

I pray for all my friends, family to remember this holiday season that Jesus came all the way to this sinful planet as a mere man, for reconciliation.....What greater news is there to share?

An experpt from Lisa Bevere's book "out of control and loving it"

Unfortunately, many a Christian is busy laboring to appear to be someone of substance and accomplishment. This leaves the person feeling void and fearful. Appearances are very laborious to maintain. Any strength they yield is expended in their constant protection.

Appearances drain us of the energy we need to change. Appearance by definition means "presentation, air, bearing, semblance, or demeanor." In contrast, Substance is defined as "the essence, matter, element, or material."

This definition suggests the very life or truth of an issue, person, or thing. What it is made of, not merely what it is cloaked in.

The truth is not ashamed; it is open and rides the winds of principles that supersede time. Appearances merely cover over the outward and gain their strength through deception. Time is the captor of appearance, and ultimately time exposes and destroys it. God's ways are higher than our own. His truth and principles live on. The truth always outlives a lie.

Chew on THAT for a while....I know I have!

joe's blog

shame

As God continues to lead me through becoming whole, He shows me bits at a time. As much as I can chew.

I was visiting with an awesome friend and spiritual mom the other night. I went there broken after a day of battling fears, thoughts and felt all beat up from fighting the good fight. As we talked about self image, body image, self worth....God dropped more of the path I need to walk right in front of me. My eyes were opened to a cloak that I wear. Shame.

As God peels back the layers of pain, hurt and protective walls, He is making clear all the lies I've agreed with all my life. I'm still walking this, I'm right in the thick, so this may sound that clear. It's not that clear to me yet. But God is faithful to carry this work out to it's end. My sister/friend and I recognized that our wound was rooted in the same shame, but took on different symptoms. For her, she gets busy. She does and does and does. She tries to find her worth in who she helps, how committed she is to serving and doing doing doing. It was clear to see why it took on this face. She was the oldest of many siblings. The enemy used that door to attack her self worth. She was vulnerable there. To this day, she too wants to be free from the shame that she feels deep down.

For me, I was vulnerable in my body image. I was exposed to porn and sexual abuse in grade school. By the time I met Joe at 16, I had come to believe the lie that I was worth something if I was sexy, skinny and available for males. If guys desired me sexually, then I was worth something. I allowed myself to agree with the lie that I was only worth a body. My personality, sense of humor, interests weren't important to them, so therefore, it didn't matter.

I was telling Joe last night, as I'm discovering this that I don't even know what my passions are. What ARE my interests? What makes me me? I won't find out for real until this damaging cloak comes off. I'm very excited to imagine what I will be like free from shame. I can sense God will be showing how to battle this on a spiritual level. It's His battle, I just have to walk in what Jesus did for me.

God also showed me that all these years, I've been fighting for freedom, but in MY strength and flesh. I think of two big examples of this: becoming a runner, and a homeschooling mom... I have been restless for many many years. Wanting to break free from the lies that say, "you won't do ANYTHING with your life, it's pointless" So in frustration and pride, I've pressed through my fears of failing in becoming a runner and being a homeschool mom. But it's only taken me so far. I'm left empty on the other end.

Don't hear me say that God didn't do ANYTHING through running and homeschooling....HE HAS....but he's going deeper.....He has taught me many things through these two battles. Perseverance and running back to the cross again and again.

My freedom from bulimia was a huge time of learning. It was faith mixed with works. It was BELIEVING the truth in action. I know that I overcame bulimia by waring with the right weapons. God showed me a huge victory in putting one foot in front of the other BASED ON TRUTH. Walking on truth with each step, led to my freedom. Of course, I am so humbled when I think that his timing was to deal with this in preparation for our hard times now.

He is so good. So merciful....

This is so cool!

Rules: put on your itunes/mp3 player on shuffle and then write the name of the song as the answer to these questions. And NO SKIPPING SONGS!

How would you describe yourself?
I do believe (Steven Curtis Chapman)

YES I DO!!

What do you like in a guy/girl ?
Whatever (steven Curtis Chapman)

I don't think I'm THAT laid back!

How do you feel today?
Vogue (madonna)

I actually do a little bit!~ haha


Our life's purpose ?
Axel f (crazy frog)

Ummmm.....I'd have to disagree!



What is your motto?
There's got to be more to life (stacci orrico)

For sure! Always looking to go deeper, to know more!



What do your friends think about you ?
Daddy's girl (KJ 52)

I hope so, cause that's who I AM!!!!
That's what God showed Joe a while ago!



What do you think of your parents ?
Electronic Pleasure (N-Trance)

Ummm....not really



What is 2 + 2 ?
Ungrateful (detrick Haddon)

???



What do you think of your best friends?
Ain't no other man (christina aguilera)

Well, my BEST friend, ain't no other man like him! He's the kinda guy a girl finds once in a blue moon, with style, class...



What do you think of the person you like ?
Speed of light (avalon)



What is your life story?
Please don't stop the music (rihanna)

My life has definintly been very dramatic! And as a sanguine, I never like the party to end!


What do you want to be when you grow up ?
No air (jordin sparks)
hahaha
Yes, I've always wanted to be no air!



What will they play at your funeral ?
If you really knew (out of eden)

If you really knew jesus! YES...I would want people to KNOW JESUS!



What is your hobby/interest ?
Open up the sky(deluge)




What is your biggest fear ?
Matchless (aaron Shust)



What is your biggest secret ?
How great is our god (passion)

That is a secret, that I hope I tell often!!!

What do you think of your friends ?
My hope (Rebecca st.james)

Well, God is my hope, but God gives me hope THROUGH my friends LOTS!


What song best describes you ?
The word is alive (casting crowns)

YESSSS!!!!! The transformations happening in me are all becuase THE WORD IS ALIVE!!!!
AMEN!!!!

What song best describes your crush ?
east to the west (casting crowns)
Yeah.....that would be my hubby. Forgiven and redeemed....



What did you think of this quiz?

Wanna love you (pinel family)

I'm posting my comment!

I actually loved how God communicated through a response I gave in my comment box, and it's my heart for ALL my sisters!!!

YOU ARE SUPER BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We NEED to let go of this idea of what's "beautiful"!!!
Seriously! God made us spirit, with bodies, not bodies alone. Our bodies are the carriers of who we really are inside. I've always right from the start wanted to loose weight to be healthy, to take care of the body/temple that God gave me. I have got caught up in looking like a certain "package" and still do at times. Thin isn't what makes a person beautiful, but their heart. their spirit. There are many people I know that are so "pretty" on the outside but are so lost on the inside! And it actually takes away from their physical beauty!
You are a very pretty woman on the outside! But more importantly....YOUR HEART is what makes you shine! You have so much passion for the Lord, for your family and to walk righteously.
I hope and pray that when people meet me, they see a heart for God, not just a pretty face.

I have been convicted for many many years about taking care of my health. I love to run so that I can build a strong heart. I love to do abs because I want a strong core. It helps me take care of my kids better, I'm not as tired and I just feel better. If you feel led to loose weight, do it for your health, not to look a certain way. Going after a "package" will leave you empty and void. There isn't any fruit in it except for a lower self esteem and you're more open to the enemy's lies, becuase you are playing his game.

Together, let's walk towards how God sees us. Through that, let's let Him change us through conviction of sin, overeating and laziness. And to be motivated through His unconditional love for us, that we don't need to look a certain way for Him to accept us! He is always telling us we are beautiful!
I read in Song of songs about a month ago
"YOU ARE THE LOVELIEST OF ALL WOMEN!" Coming from my Daddy God, that's all a woman wants to hear.....
That's my heart in all this
LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY DEAR FRIENDS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST!

body image

Last week I put the scale away. In my time of desperation and high heat (courtesy of God) I have come to a place where healing and wholeness trump all else.

God has called our family to radical healing and wholeness. But our every second, every moment choices are crucial to this process. I know that in order to become all that God has called me to be, I need to get comfortable in the skin I'm in. I need to show my beauty from within.

My prayer is to become meek, quiet and gentle. Of course, the way God created me isn't the meek and quietness of someone else. I know other women whose meekness looks totally different than someone else's meekness. Quietness can come in many different forms too. I am thankful that God is telling me all the time how beautiful he made me....which actually is animated, full of spirit and passion!

One of the truths I stand on a repeat when nesessary is, 'I am not a body. I HAVE a body, but I am a spirit"

Back in Sept when Joe wasnt' with us for a couple of weeks, I lost 10 pounds due to extreme stress. But since he's been home and we are slowly approaching normal, my eating patterns have just come into line. And I am now in a healthy range for my height. I am officially no longer "overweight" Something really broke for me in all this. That's another thing to give God thanks for! His timing is perfect, He thinks of everything! When God was rooting out my bulimia back in February, He knew that hard times were coming. He knew that it was time to leave that part of me behind to prepare me for now. If I had not dealt with my eating disorder, I'd be a severe mess!

To truly come to healing with my body image and become secure with how God sees me, I have taken further steps to walk towards this. It's been very hard, and I've been very scared, becuase this is all I've known. Even tho adopting God's opinion of me would be the very best for me, it's not what's comfortable. We humans like to stick to what's familiar. Even if it's bondage.

Since the scale has been away, I haven't "labeled myself" with a number each morning. I don't wake up and say to myself, "I'm Sarah, 138 pounds" I am just Sarah! It's freeing. It's way more peaceful. And I also find that I don't eat according to the number. If I'm "sarah/140" then I am constantly making sure I don't eat much that day. If I'm Sarah/135, well, then I deserve a treat! This is so dumb!

These days, I eat 3-4 meals a day, stop when I'm satisfied and choose foods that make me feel physically good. I NEVER in a MILLION years thought I'd ever say these words, knowing that I was free. Such an amazing, humbling thing. God is so good and patient. And He LOVES ME! And He says I"M WORTH IT!

Peace be still

I've spent most of my christian life having a WHOLE lot to say, and could have listened way more. Now that the fire is hot and my eyes have been opened to HOW MUCH I NEEEEED GOD, I realize how much I need to learn to be still.

My mind goes 24/7. And even in the last couple years, it even goes while I'm trying to sleep! If I wake from a deep sleep, my mind will start going and I'll toss and turn the rest of the night. I know this isn't God's desire. His word says that His burden and yoke are easy and light. He is a God of peace. He tells us to be anxious for nothing and with a thankful heart, lay down your cares and fears and He will fill you with peace that you cannot understand....

I want to learn to be quiet, to be still. I want to hear Him speak....clearly. I want to KNOW His voice, without doubt......I can't be physically still, I have 4 kids! I am always moving! But my spirit needs to learn this. To be still in the storm of marriage, kids and personal walking with God.

I trust that God will break me. It's amazing to me how fears and cares can just creep up on a person over the years. This is a need for control. Rooted in fear. God is totally breaking this in me. There's more and more freedom as I surrender to Him. Learning to trust Him with our very fragile hearts can be very hard.

In Song of Songs, He calls us, saying, Come to me, unveiled, so I can see your face!"
And the bride responds with, "Then please protect me from the foxes and wolves"

He will protect me.....May my life forever show a surrendered soul in the process of becoming like my Maker.

this and that

Noah at homeschool gymnastics. Let him burn off some of that energy!!! If that was even possible!This is what the girls do while Noah jumps around. Sometimes I take them to parables for hot chocolate while Noah jumps around.

Elishah being cute
Noah in Tae Kwon Do. He tests for his yellow belt in 2 weeks

Isaiah in 3rd year ballet. She's skipping backwards! Can you do that?
Our hot tub that we rented for our anniversary! We should have taken more pics than we did :(
Here's the kids running in the snow with steamy hot bodies!
Elishah loved it! well, so did everyone!
I put this on facebook, but I wanted my mother in law to see this. If you click to enlarge the picture, you can actually see a rabbit, an insect, a sperm and other things if you use your imagination!
This is what my mom and my auntie ninette do when they want to visit! They occasionally give us candy so they can get in a few minutes of talking! But they didn't really get to visit anyway, cause we were making everything sticky!
Daniel enjoying his treat.

Our 12th year anniversary

Honestly, it is by God's grace, mercy, love and compassion that Joe and I have celebrated (and I mean celebrated!) our 12th year this year.

God hasn't released the story yet, but when the timing is right, we will be able to encourage and help many people.....not just yet tho.....

This year, we changed everything. We used to stay in a hotel every year and go to our favorite anniversary restaurant, Mr. Rizo's. This year, we farmed out the kids and rented a hot tub!

I am so blessed to have a man like Joe. His heart is amazing. I wish I could share more! But all I can say is that God is making us stronger than we've ever been. Our foundations are being rebuilt and our faith solidified in the One true rock...Jesus....Daddy....Savior.....

EVERYONE has faith

I'm reading this amazing book called, "Out of control and loving it" by Lisa Bevere. So so good!!! Just what I need right now. Each chapter just hits home for me. God told me to buy this book and it sure was the one for what I've been going through!!

Fear vs. love. I always thought it was fear vs. faith. But it's not. Will your faith work for you or against you? You choose to believe either the lies or the truth, there is no such thing as in between. Fear will choose to believe in the SEEN and love will choose to believe in the UNSEEN.

Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude or self seeking, and keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.
Love ALWAYS protects,trusts, hopes and perseveres.

Fear is impatient, unkind, envies, boasts, is proud, rude and self seeking. Fear keeps a record of wrongs, fear delights in lies.
Fear never protects, never trusts, never hopes or perseveres.

LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Fear will fill you with questions. That bring unrest, anxiety and a need to control
Love will fill you with peace, rest and a surrendered heart

God's word is love
Fear is a spirit that needs to battled with His word (His love) in your mind
It's a process of disciplining your thoughts, your flesh and speaking what God's word says instead of looking at what is seen with the naked eye.


This is the refining that God is doing in my life and there are times I take joy in this process and there are times I just sit and bawl at how hard this is.......
But HE IS GOOD FAITHFUL AND JUST
He will see me through...He always has and always will.....

9 months today

3 quarters of a year.....never in my life have I seen that kind of clean time in 18 years. I found this post 2 years ago of when I was still wrestling with bulimia. It's such fresh air to live without it! God used to tell me that someday, it will be a distant memory. Not that I would be able to forget the pain because it will be the pain that He will use to glorify Him someday!
. 18 years, I wrestled that beast. There were so many days, I thought I thought I'd take that beast to my grave....

Praise God! Only through His death and resurrection have I been able to experience a death and a rising to new life!

Here is a post from a couple years ago. When I was in the thick of the cycle.

Joe's home now

On Saturday, Joe pleaded with the doctors to let him come home. The surgeon said that he was okay with that as long as his fever didn't come back and he didn't get any sicker. Joe is recovering from a nasty abdominal infection. He's on some bigger gun oral antibiotics and is resting as much as he can.

This journey.....God is moving so deeply in this home. As both of us willingly confess together that we are open to the refining process....God wastes no time. He uses everything for His purpose. I am so amazed at WHAT He uses!!!!
Everything from the hospital God chose to put him in, to Joe's physical weakness. Every one I run into, every thought that enters my mind. He uses it all. Or at least He wants to, if I let him.
There's been even more breakthrough in our marriage through all of this. I have about 40 pages of loose leaf journaling since the middle of September! When God rebuilds something, he doesn't just stand around and sip coffee....He works day in and day out....through the night and in our dreams. He never slumbers and never sleeps. He is 100 % dependable is the God of wholeness.....

You know, when God brings two people together and makes them one flesh, they go together like a lock and key. I know sometimes i've said, "I could NEVER be married to that person! " or "How could that person be married to him!" Well, it's simple. When God makes one flesh from two people, only those two people are anointed to be together and stay together. No matter how hard marriage can be, you just can't separate what God made one.....

I'm officially old.......er.....

Today, I turned 30. At 12:55 pm
So I'm still officially in my "20's" for 4 more hours......LOL

Caleb's death anniversary and hospital

God's timing is perfect, but as a human, sometimes, I don't understand that whole perfect part....

On Caleb's 2 year death anniversary (Oct 27), Joe was put under for emergency surgery. His appendix had ruptured and was severely infected. It had absessed. He's been in the hospital since monday. The doctors said that "his appendix was one of the worst we had seen, it was BAD! It was a real mess in there"

Joe's on some heavy anitbiotics, but there was talk yesterday of opening him up again to do some more cleaning. I sure pray that doesn't happen. When Joe 'woke up' from the anesthestic, he was in intense pain! From all the sucking and prodding and cutting they did. The surgery was an hour over what they thought it would take, because of the big mess inside.

Days at the hospital. We don't know when he will be coming out. Please pray for us. Our kids and our family. We need health and wholeness.....

Our family trip to Edmonton

Before we went to Edmonton, we spent a day in the park. On that beautiful day when the leaves were so colorful!





My dad happened to be in Edmonton on the same day! How cool is that? So I convinced him to do the mind bender with me! So much fun! I screamed the whole time and dad laughed uncontrollably!

Joe and Noah on the famous swing of the century!


The classic merry go round. Faith rode this about 3 times!

The mini coaster.
On the balloon ride! We had so much fun!

In the play land. It's like the fun factory, only 20 times better!
The good ol spaghetti factory


On to the water park!



I ran into Noah at one point in the water park and asked how he was doing. I heard him say something about the sky screamer. I jumped in and said,'NO! you can't go on that!" He said, "mom, i already did!" LONG PAUSE......."Oh,......then let me go get my camera and take a picture of you then!" So here's Noah way at the top of the tallest slide!


This was a new thing they built! It was amazing and so much fun! At the very top, you can see a big "slurpee type cup" it would fill with water and then dump on the whole play structure!!!! it was cool!
Me and my faithfullness
Joe and Faith relaxing on the "beach"
The girls running through the surf
Time to go :(
And a last trip to the Science center before we hit the road. We ended up getting in for free since there wasn't many galleries open from "body worlds"
It was a blast. Something that we all needed....Back to real life....

Weight loss, running and family trip

It's so weird how something that can be such a big battle at one point in your life and then with a serious change of circumstances, that struggle just doesn't matter anymore.

I really don't care about food anymore. Ever since this whole "thing" started, I'm down 20 pounds. Food just doesn't taste good anymore. I guess at this point in my life, I am more determined to get to a place where I'm happy with my body and weight. I am officially NOT overweight anymore! I am actually healthy! I had a weight watchers goal 3 years ago which I only got within 3 pounds of it. Now I'm below it....

So I guess stress does have it's good points.....I do feel better about myself knowing that I've shed another chunk of fat. I've also started running again, which feels amazing being so much lighter! The difference now is that I spend the whole time in deep worship. All my stupid music has been permanently deleted! So that feels good too. Such a black and white difference to run with God and focus my soul on Him than to fill my head and spirit with junk.

So that's another little update. Joe is taking us to Edmonton for a family trip. We leave on Monday, very excited! We will be at the water park and I'm going to meet my dad up there and go on the mind bender rollercoaster with him! Ikea will be seeing us and the Olive Garden of course! Also, one of mine and Joe's favorite restaurants is the spaghetti factory. Everytime we are at West Ed Mall, we make a trip for the Spaghetti Factory!

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres....
Love never fails.

The love that God has given us is such a supernatural blessing. I read in a book the other day that in a marriage, at some point, you will have to die to self in order to hold that thing together. And that love that comes from the flesh will eventually run out. You will run dry. We are not designed by God to love without Him. He IS LOVE! Without God as the source, love runs dry.

Only a supernatural source of life and love can survive the attacks against marriages today. God has been so good and gentle....I'm amazed at all the love that Joe and I have for each other that's always been there. and it's grown over the last 13 years. He's worth it, what we have together is worth it. He's my other half, my soul mate, we just fit together like hot chocolate and pumpkin pie. There's no other fit. What God has joined together, let man not separate.....

Love always protects
always hopes
always trusts
always perseveres

world turned upside down....again....

totally struggling today to hold on to truth. I'm tired of my world crashing. There's only one thing that can save me, the cross of Jesus. I am so weak. If God places prayers on your heart, please lift us up in faith. Please stand in the gap for us. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life! Pray that I hold true to what God says.

If anyone has a word from God or a scripture, please share if God tells you to.

Thanks to all who love us and are praying.

Do you go to the store for milk or the cow???

The daily battle and renewal of the christian....Dying to self and living in spirit. Every follower of Jesus is in the process of becoming who they already are in Christ. The moment that Christ was invited into our lives, we immediately inherit all the spiritual blessings and become co-heirs with him. We immediately become holy, righteous, blameless, forgiven as far as the east is from the west and so much more than we could ever imagine!

We are made up of 4 parts. Our soul (which is our mind, will and emotions) and then when we invite God into our hearts, through Jesus, we awaken our spirit. Our spirit man is where God lives. Our flesh is our thoughts, feelings and our bodies. A lot of Christians walk around living from their flesh. They make decisions based on their feelings, their past experiences and how they are feeling physically that day. But God designed us to live out of our spirits. The place where there is a never ending source of strength. A never ending source of love, wisdom, and grace.

I've been praying, asking God to reveal the secrets of His promises and His word. I'm such an analyzer, I try to mentally 'figure out' the mysteries of God. I am so amazed at how much I live in my flesh! He tells us to "Live by the spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh which bring death and sin" With everything that's happened in our home, our marriage, I am blessed/challenged to rely fully on God.

There's nothing in my strength that I can do to help all of this. It's true when God says that He is made perfect in our weakness! Each day, God shows me in a deeper way that HE IS THE ONLY ANSWER! I run to Joe to 'fix' how I feel, but he doesn't have the equipment to "feed me".

It's a funny walk, because God did design marriage to be a physical picture of a spiritual truth. He created the man to play the role of Christ, while the woman plays the role of the church. Christ died for the church! The man was designed to be the giver, the coverer, the protector, and the one who washes his wife's spirit with the word and builds her up.....

There is a story that Joe had me read last week and it's perfect for what I'm trying to say. A father and a son go to a farm and the father shows him how to milk a cow. The boy says, "THAT"S NOT REAL MILK!!! Real milk comes from a store!!!!!"

so often I go to the store for my source of milk, instead of the cow! God is the real source, the real deal, unfiltered grace and love, unfiltered covering and protection, unfiltered washing!!! But I've spent my life going to the store getting milk without its natural vitamins. Even tho Joe has God living inside of him and is equipped to "feed me" and is designed to "feed me" if I don't go to the cow first, it doesn't matter how much Joe feeds me, I'm going to eventually starve!

So I'm learning to go to the cow, and in the process, I'm realizing how much I've been drinking watered down milk that's lost so many vitamins.
Teach me God, I need you.....

Right order

God's order is amazing. Out of His perfect love for us, He has arranged, created, and designed an order for everything. It's been a very scary thing for me to let go of my plans and dreams and trust that God will rebuild it all. I am watching someone transform before my very eyes! It's the most amazing, scariest thing I've ever seen! If God has prepared us for such time as this, then He will give me what I need to follow Him.

It's time to make the order right. It's time to let go of false security blankets, pacifiers and things that medicate the pain. It's time to lay it down right, jump off the biggest cliff of them all. To let go of everything. To learn true surrender. It's time to die, so that we can dream again.

God spoke to me today, He said, "matthew 14:26" (sometimes, he will whisper a scripture in my head and He never fails to amaze that it speaks to me everytime!)

It says, "they saw Jesus walking on the water but didn't recongnize him and said, "IT"S A GHOST!!!" and Jesus IMMEDIATELY replied, "Take courage, it is I, don't be afraid."

Man.......I never would have dreamed that God would tear it all down, to build something made of real rubies and diamonds. I never thought that I would be able to 'shake off the dust' of the past and clothe myself in robes of splendor.....

Thanks for the valley? Yes! Thank you for the valley!

It's still so amazing to me each day that in the crunch, in fire, in pressure, in a hot desert, in the pruning....what can truly be accomplished.

When you're hanging on by that one thread (and if that one thread is Jesus) miracles happen. God gives me more each day to hold on to. The foundation on which my faith stands is being rebuilt. The branches that are not bearing fruit are being pruned so that through Him, I will bear fruit. It's been my heart's cry for years....

He is gently removing/I am surrendering all that is not Him
He is replacing/I'm allowing Him to fill me
What a process. I'm a quick fix kinda person. I often ponder that I've been married for 12 years and it's taken all this time to begin to learn these things. I often grieve the time lost. But in my grief of lost time, God gives me this:

Better is ONE day in your courts, than 1000 days else where. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God that dwell in the tents of the wicked. Blessed is the man who trusts in You....

I've always wanted it real. I've always hated fake.
And now, it's God's chance to make it real.
To get rid of the fake, the fantasy.
The truth hurts, but it sets you free.
So each day, we choose the hard truth over a fake love.....

Truth for me and my family

Thus saith the Lord: (Isaiah 54 in my words)

Enlarge your tent!
Don't be afraid!
You will forget the shame of your youth
The Holy One is your Redeemer
He is your husband
My unfailing love for you will not be shaken
Oh, afflicted family! Lashed by storms and not comforted!
I will build you with stones of turquiose
Your foundations with sapphires
You battlements with rubies
You walls with precious stones

You kids will be taught by the Lord and great will be their peace.
Tyranny will be far from you and you will have nothing to fear!
He is making us weapons. He alone is shaping our lives into something new.
No weapon formed against us will have victory!

the power of thoughts

I've been down the last couple of days. Still growing, still being carried, but down. God's way is so much higher than our ways. Following after God's plan and purposes are so foreign to human nature!

To grasp His love, His mercy, forgiveness, His grace and power......humans put God in a little box all the time! Our logic loves and takes comfort in what we know and see.

That is the opposite of faith. Faith is being sure of what is unseen....
Everything that is apart from faith is sin. WOW. every step I'm taking in this fire is either out of faith or fear. Fear brings death, faith brings life. It's so cut and dry for me today. Yesterday I chose to fear. Today, I am choosing to believe in what is unseen.

These are my thoughts today.
I will not settle for anything less than a 10. A 10 in my marriage, family and my personal walk with my God.
He is either redeemer or He's not
He is either healer, deliverer, or He's not

There's no maybe with God. He just IS. He calls Himself, "I AM"

And I know HE IS.....

The sweet place of surrender

There's only two kinds of pain
There's the pain of walking in your sin...
and the pain of going through the fire with the Lord.

Walking in sin without repenting is so painful! There's such weight, such a heavy load that isn't meant for you to carry! It wasn't meant for human kind to carry, it was meant to Jesus to take it. So when you choose to stay in rebellion, you will just ever increasingly get more and more weary with no peace....it's not a fun place.

But the fire is such a sweet place. Where your flesh burns alive and hurts like crazy, but in the purification, there is peace and blessing right in the midst of being burned alive. In the midst of all your fears screaming with ear piercing screams, with pain so great, you think you won't make it......God is ever near. His love knows no bounds!
In His Love I can hide there
I can cry there safely
He'll comfort me, heal me, bring me peace....

Even when the world around me has crashed, He never changes~ His love never fails, it never stops, it never runs out, there's always enough.

God is teaching me that I have a choice at all times. I never have "the right" to walk apart from faith. NEVER.
Sin will always always bring consequences. There is never a time when a price isn't paid for walking in sin.
My spirit in this last weekend has started grasing this verse:
These three remain, FAITH HOPE AND LOVE, But the greatest of these is LOVE.

HOW TRUE......God's love.....there is no words.......

The love of Jesus

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us
He became sin for us on our behalf so that we may live
His love is unconditional...it doesn't matter your performance, He just wants YOU!
He is slow to anger and quick to forgive
Our sins have been cast as far as the east from the west (that's a neverending GAP!)
He is the God of reconciliation
The God of restoration
The God of redemption
The God of provision

He is worthy.....seriously, after all He's done.....He is worthy of all our lives....
God's grace and supernatural power to get through troubled times is never ending. You have all you need at all times....
He is faithful
I wish my words could really capture Him in my heart. But the important thing....is that HE knows.....He knows....He knows all.....

Is Jesus enough?

If the very thing you love the most was taken from you, would Jesus be enough?
Is His love enough to sustain you?
Is His presence your refuge where you go?
Do you find the peace that passes all understanding when you get to the strong tower?

These questions grieves me because I know the answers aren't what I thought they were.
My desire and the truth aren't matching.

So that you know, there is still amazing miracles happening and God is healing as I said before. But He's really wanting to rebuild a poorly built foundation in my life. It's exciting, yet very painful. To lay down the things that you love the most, your dreams and hopes. To trust that He will give back to you what He knows best....

I know He is good....I want to passionately pursue the One that pursued me first....
Jesus.....He's the way, the truth and the life.
Be my Vision.....

funny movies

CLICK HERE!!!!! YOU HAVE TO SEE THESE MOVIES!

Keep Praising God!!!! (115-131)

115. So so thankful for songs like: - Praise you in this storm (casting crowns) You are my home, Lead us Lord, You surround me (Brian Doerkson) Reason enough (Avalon) This road (Ginny Owens) Above All (Micheal W. Smith)

116. Verses like: God is able to make ALL grace abound to you so that in ALL things at ALL times, having ALL you need, you will abound in every good work.

117. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors as thought God were making his appeal through us.

118. Knowledge puffs up, but LOVE builds up Those who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is KNOWN by God.

119. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the JOY set BEFORE him endured the cross.....Consider him so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

120. To Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

121. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, be thankful and let the word of God dwell in you richly as you lift one another up with all wisdom.

122. (speaking of wisdom..) The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all PURE, then PEACELOVING, CONSIDERATE, SUBMISSIVE, FULL OF MERCY, AND GOOD FRUIT AND SINCERE.

123. For you know the grace of our Lord JEsus Christ, that though he was RICH, yet for (MY) sake he became POOR so that (I) through His poverty, might become rich........

124. Teach me your way and I will walk in your truth. Give me an UNDIVIDED heart, that I may fear your name......

125. You are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness!

126. When I am weak, then you are made strong

127. All things are possible with God

128. That His word never returns void

129. That no weapon formed against us will prosper.

130. That the battle belongs to Him

131. That I am loved unconditionally and am never alone.

My daily updates are now coming to an end

Healing and reconciliation are happening.

Our family is now under God's covering and protection. No more details will be shared. But i want to praise God for all He is doing and is going to do!

Our family is being transformed. Sometimes we need to hit bottom before we can be lifted up....and that's what we hit!

Thanks all for you prayers and support.
Don't stop praying! there is much to do.......we need all the covering we can get.
Blessings, and signing off on this chapter of my public blog.....

my cry for the last week ps 86

(in the last verse, I've been asking God for a sign of His goodness....he gave me that yesterday)
God's love for us unbelieveable! it's so pure and so rich......i'm overwhelmed at how true it really is......

Psalm 86

Hear me, LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

² Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; ³ have mercy on me, Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

⁴ Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
for I put my trust in you.

⁵ You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

⁶ Hear my prayer, LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.

⁷ When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me.

⁸ Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

⁹ All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

¹⁰ For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

¹² I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

¹³ For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.

¹⁴ Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless people seeks my life—
they have no regard for you.

¹⁵ But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

¹⁶ Turn to me and have mercy on me;
show your strength in behalf of your servant
and save the son of a woman
who served you before me.

¹⁷ Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

thank you God for today

Today there is hope. There is healing taking place.
Today God spoke His peace to us.
Today was a new day

God is faithful and good. He is our Father that cares for us.

not coping

yet another day

-love does crazy things
-when you become one flesh, being apart is not possible
-God is changing me
-learning more about His unconditional love than I ever have
-There are no strings attached with love
-a revelation of my emotions being my god
-so so thankful for all the support
-thank you holly for the super yummy pizza last night and the joy of your baby
-thank you chris for the beautiful flowers
-thank you monica for coming over to help clean
-thank you carol for coming and putting my not so sober self to bed
-thank you steph and morgan for listening
-thank you mom and dad for taking care of my kids when i can't
-thank you nin for being the BEST SISTER EVER, crying with me
-thank you mom and sis (in law) for loving us and all your help
-thank you for all of you that are praying


-Hopeful
-scared
-Looking up

today.....

-loving him
-would do anything for him
-feels like someone ripped off half my body and took it away
-the love i have in me feels like it could do ANYTHING for reconciliation

Meditating on this today:

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love does not envy
Love does not boast
Love is not proud
Love is not rude or self seeking
Love is not easily angered
Love does not keep a record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
Love rejoices with the TRUTH

LOVE ALWAYS PROTECTS
LOVE ALWAYS TRUSTS
LOVE ALWAYS HOPES
LOVE ALWAYS PERSEVERES
LOVE NEVER FAILS

even more point form......

-angry today
-totally abandoned
-discarded
-missing my other half
-wondering the process of a hardened heart
-willing
-always willing
-rejected
-my kids....God give them peace
-God, fill in the gaps
-God, don't let me loose hope
-hanging on by a thread
-a thin thread
-i keep telling myself 'don't give into despair'
-can't sleep at night
-wake up early
-can't eat
-have lost 8 pounds in one week
-PLEASE PRAY

more point form

-waiting is really really hard
-wondering how this happened
-very sad
-am I loveable?
-Am I worth it?
-Even though I gave my very being, was it not enough?
-quiet
-praying lots
-trying to be strong
-totally confused

-On the other hand:
-I can see straight through God's eyes
-His peace is carrying me
-the God of the whole universe loves me with an everlasting love
-He won't let even one get away
-there is always hope......

a point form update

-stressed
-mad
-yet feel God's presence
-sad
-trying not to worry
-it's 3 in the morning and I shouldn't be up!
-feel like I'm in a dream
-confused
-wonder what's really under the rug
-how long it's been there
-I honestly do sense God's peace
-through all the thoughts and worry, He's here, close to me
-thankful for my friends and spiritual family
-self esteem shot
-crushed, but not destroyed

Our homeschool

This is our homeschool candle. Every morning we light it and pray that Jesus is the light of our school and day. So that we aren't in the dark and we can follow His way. It stays burning as long as we are studying! The aroma reminds me of His sweetness.

I love these little drawers! Smelly markers, gel pens, glue sticks, dry erase, pencil crayons, pens and pencils! We've got it all!




The drawers where we keep all our papers and books.
Our schedule. So far so good. We have 45 minute slots this year instead of 30 minutes. It's been more relaxing to be able to take our time instead of beating the clock.


These are the books we are using. There will be more once I get my hands on the curriculum fair and the used book sale!!!! WOO HOO!! The black book on the bottom is my daily planner and log.

Noah's books. Math-U-See for math, Learning Language Arts through Literature- for L/A, and Accelerated Christian Education for a complimentary L/A and social studies. Faith's preschool workbooks are at the bottom right corner. We print alot of the net and do a lot of painting and crafts. We use pennies to count, puzzles to do, and even the leap pad to learn our letters better!
These are the multi-level teaching materials geared specifically to homeschool families with many kids. The KONOS book is that big yellow book and off to the left. KONOS is a unit study based program that has science, history, math, L/A, music, art, bible, and lifeskills all in one! It comes with a cool timeline that you use through out the year. (I still have to get that up!)
A Beka has a health program we are going to do this year.
History Alive is a christian perspective on the creation through history. (I learn alot from this one!) And we are using an art curriculum this year too!
Isaiah's side. Math-U-See (Love that program!) Learning Language Arts through Literature (grade 2 level) How to teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons. Recommended by veteran homeschool moms. Very good program and it only cost me 12 bucks! (she's almost done this book now) ACE (Accelerated Christian Education) for social studies.