shame

As God continues to lead me through becoming whole, He shows me bits at a time. As much as I can chew.

I was visiting with an awesome friend and spiritual mom the other night. I went there broken after a day of battling fears, thoughts and felt all beat up from fighting the good fight. As we talked about self image, body image, self worth....God dropped more of the path I need to walk right in front of me. My eyes were opened to a cloak that I wear. Shame.

As God peels back the layers of pain, hurt and protective walls, He is making clear all the lies I've agreed with all my life. I'm still walking this, I'm right in the thick, so this may sound that clear. It's not that clear to me yet. But God is faithful to carry this work out to it's end. My sister/friend and I recognized that our wound was rooted in the same shame, but took on different symptoms. For her, she gets busy. She does and does and does. She tries to find her worth in who she helps, how committed she is to serving and doing doing doing. It was clear to see why it took on this face. She was the oldest of many siblings. The enemy used that door to attack her self worth. She was vulnerable there. To this day, she too wants to be free from the shame that she feels deep down.

For me, I was vulnerable in my body image. I was exposed to porn and sexual abuse in grade school. By the time I met Joe at 16, I had come to believe the lie that I was worth something if I was sexy, skinny and available for males. If guys desired me sexually, then I was worth something. I allowed myself to agree with the lie that I was only worth a body. My personality, sense of humor, interests weren't important to them, so therefore, it didn't matter.

I was telling Joe last night, as I'm discovering this that I don't even know what my passions are. What ARE my interests? What makes me me? I won't find out for real until this damaging cloak comes off. I'm very excited to imagine what I will be like free from shame. I can sense God will be showing how to battle this on a spiritual level. It's His battle, I just have to walk in what Jesus did for me.

God also showed me that all these years, I've been fighting for freedom, but in MY strength and flesh. I think of two big examples of this: becoming a runner, and a homeschooling mom... I have been restless for many many years. Wanting to break free from the lies that say, "you won't do ANYTHING with your life, it's pointless" So in frustration and pride, I've pressed through my fears of failing in becoming a runner and being a homeschool mom. But it's only taken me so far. I'm left empty on the other end.

Don't hear me say that God didn't do ANYTHING through running and homeschooling....HE HAS....but he's going deeper.....He has taught me many things through these two battles. Perseverance and running back to the cross again and again.

My freedom from bulimia was a huge time of learning. It was faith mixed with works. It was BELIEVING the truth in action. I know that I overcame bulimia by waring with the right weapons. God showed me a huge victory in putting one foot in front of the other BASED ON TRUTH. Walking on truth with each step, led to my freedom. Of course, I am so humbled when I think that his timing was to deal with this in preparation for our hard times now.

He is so good. So merciful....