In one week from today, it will be a WHOLE YEAR since I've thrown up my food! ONE WHOLE YEAR! after 18 years of bondage, I'd say God is good!
I still can't believe it. It's one of those things where it feels like a lifetime ago, like a distant memory, but yet, the pain of that eating disorder will never leave me. I will never forget what it felt like to be chained to a fridge and a toilet.....never.....
I never thought I'd see this day. I thought i would die a bulimic. I thought I'd be one of those people in the motorized carts that couldn't walk anymore because they were too big!
I don't know how I want to celebrate yet.
I really want sushi! hhhmmmm......wasabi........
It's something to celebrate!!!
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
The vicitim mentality
Everything in my life is bittersweet. When I laugh....I laugh....
When I cry....I cry.....
It's all so intense. Up and down, fast and slow, hot and cold, yet with God...steady and clear.....
The latest in my heart has been "the victim mentality"
Of course, everything in life is in layers. God's been stripping this from me for many years. Only now, in this season....it's CRUCIAL that I do NOT give into the victim mentality.
For me, the thing about playing the victim is that it's SO easy to do. My rights are right in front of me all the time, just speaking to me, "you DESERVE this! He OWES you! You have every right to expect this or that! "
Before I know it, I've spiraled down into a lonely pit of despair....not knowing how to get out.
I've taken this road several times through this journey, only to be trapped, shackled in bitterness and all alone with a voice of shame speaking lies to me.
it's so true that God is the healer of our hearts. I can only ask God to change me, I can't do it by myself. I can only pray for a broken spirit, I can't "will" repentance. Only God can truly lead me there. Without God, this really would be impossible.
I can't tell you how many times, my flesh is the only thing I can hear, see, taste, and feel. It screams out for self protection. It screams out selfish cries for justice and for self....all I can see with my eyes before me is the wound, the hurt, the offense. But yet, as the bitterness grips me, and the voice that says "I'm not worth anything" speaks crap into my spirit...I know I'm at a crossroads. I have to make a choice. There's nothing in my flesh that WANTS to submit. Nothing in me that desires to lay down my rights....but I hear a small voice telling me to lay it down. Telling me I need to repent....
I heard a story of a 2 year old yesterday that gave me a perfect picture of me as a human and a child of God. This describes me to a T!
This child has been going through "a phase" Lately, for some unknown reason, the 2 year old will not submit! He won't come when he's called. If he's asked to look at his parent, he'll turn and look the other way out of defiance! when the parent takes his face and physically holds it so he can look at her, his eyes will wander to the ceiling, or the wall. No matter how many spanks he gets, he will not lay down, or stop what he's doing. But.....he will break.....there's no other way out.......
Sounds like me. 3 days ago, I decided that I deserved a few things. Within 48 hours of pursuing my personal rights, I was alone, tormented spiritually and separated from Joe. In desperation, Running to God, pleading with him to speak to me His truth. My head had been filled with a bunch of lies and I needed breakthrough.
He graciously, yet painfully peeled back my pride enough to show me how He carried my sins to His very death. How the nails He took for me... He took with no strings attached. He again reminded me that all of us need the cross. Not one more than the other, but all His kids need forgiveness and mercy. As I repent of believing these lies and laying down my rights and picking up my cross, I see clearly that I am always called out to live as God has called me. And that NO ONE can take me out of the will of God but ME! If I'm a "victim" then I believe the lie that "I'm not really held accountable, because it wasn't my fault." I will miss out on God's best for me because I'm not walking in obedience! By walking out of God's plan for me, I am selling myself short of God's blessings and protection. Plus on top of all that, my relationship with my hubby is being damaged by my selfishness.
His cross, death and resurrection breaks our sin right off. Through that, I am able to walk in true forgiveness, true love and true freedom. Joe said to me, "I don't want to walk behind you. I want to walk this beside you" That pierced my heart. With the victim mentality, Joe would be miles behind me. That's not God's heart. And it's not the truth! And that's not what reconciliation is. Through God's work on the cross, we can all walk together, without comparing, without jealousy or boasting. I can walk hand in hand with my hubby, because we have both been saved by His amazing grace.....
When I cry....I cry.....
It's all so intense. Up and down, fast and slow, hot and cold, yet with God...steady and clear.....
The latest in my heart has been "the victim mentality"
Of course, everything in life is in layers. God's been stripping this from me for many years. Only now, in this season....it's CRUCIAL that I do NOT give into the victim mentality.
For me, the thing about playing the victim is that it's SO easy to do. My rights are right in front of me all the time, just speaking to me, "you DESERVE this! He OWES you! You have every right to expect this or that! "
Before I know it, I've spiraled down into a lonely pit of despair....not knowing how to get out.
I've taken this road several times through this journey, only to be trapped, shackled in bitterness and all alone with a voice of shame speaking lies to me.
it's so true that God is the healer of our hearts. I can only ask God to change me, I can't do it by myself. I can only pray for a broken spirit, I can't "will" repentance. Only God can truly lead me there. Without God, this really would be impossible.
I can't tell you how many times, my flesh is the only thing I can hear, see, taste, and feel. It screams out for self protection. It screams out selfish cries for justice and for self....all I can see with my eyes before me is the wound, the hurt, the offense. But yet, as the bitterness grips me, and the voice that says "I'm not worth anything" speaks crap into my spirit...I know I'm at a crossroads. I have to make a choice. There's nothing in my flesh that WANTS to submit. Nothing in me that desires to lay down my rights....but I hear a small voice telling me to lay it down. Telling me I need to repent....
I heard a story of a 2 year old yesterday that gave me a perfect picture of me as a human and a child of God. This describes me to a T!
This child has been going through "a phase" Lately, for some unknown reason, the 2 year old will not submit! He won't come when he's called. If he's asked to look at his parent, he'll turn and look the other way out of defiance! when the parent takes his face and physically holds it so he can look at her, his eyes will wander to the ceiling, or the wall. No matter how many spanks he gets, he will not lay down, or stop what he's doing. But.....he will break.....there's no other way out.......
Sounds like me. 3 days ago, I decided that I deserved a few things. Within 48 hours of pursuing my personal rights, I was alone, tormented spiritually and separated from Joe. In desperation, Running to God, pleading with him to speak to me His truth. My head had been filled with a bunch of lies and I needed breakthrough.
He graciously, yet painfully peeled back my pride enough to show me how He carried my sins to His very death. How the nails He took for me... He took with no strings attached. He again reminded me that all of us need the cross. Not one more than the other, but all His kids need forgiveness and mercy. As I repent of believing these lies and laying down my rights and picking up my cross, I see clearly that I am always called out to live as God has called me. And that NO ONE can take me out of the will of God but ME! If I'm a "victim" then I believe the lie that "I'm not really held accountable, because it wasn't my fault." I will miss out on God's best for me because I'm not walking in obedience! By walking out of God's plan for me, I am selling myself short of God's blessings and protection. Plus on top of all that, my relationship with my hubby is being damaged by my selfishness.
His cross, death and resurrection breaks our sin right off. Through that, I am able to walk in true forgiveness, true love and true freedom. Joe said to me, "I don't want to walk behind you. I want to walk this beside you" That pierced my heart. With the victim mentality, Joe would be miles behind me. That's not God's heart. And it's not the truth! And that's not what reconciliation is. Through God's work on the cross, we can all walk together, without comparing, without jealousy or boasting. I can walk hand in hand with my hubby, because we have both been saved by His amazing grace.....
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Where have I been, where am I going?
My auntie Stella told me this beautiful saying
Yesterday is history
tomorrow is a mystery
today is a gift....that's why they call it the present
I've been really struggling in everyday routine. God has been sheding some light on the whole thing in the last couple of weeks.
#1. Depression is the fruit of disobedience. I have been wrestling a bit of that, knowing that there are certain things that God is asking me to do, but I am not obeying. That's the first thing that I need to repent of.
#2. A tornado went through my house in the fall. Taking the roof off, blowing the windows to shreds, and there's debris everywhere. I need to remember that it will take time to rebuild the disaster that struck. So far, Joe and I have been spending time on our marriage, prayerfully repairing foundations in that area.
#3. I need to recognize the good that has not been stripped away. Even through the storm, I am still running faithfully and have even begun to run in the mornings! I have still not thrown up my food or gone back to my eating disorder in order to cope. I am allowing God to go into the deep areas of my heart, even though I'm crazy scared of the pain that will and DOES come out. I am grieving in healthy ways and am learning to lean on God in ways I never knew were possible.
#4. It's time to work on the daily routine. Time to allow God to once again fill me with faith that "I CAN DO THIS" I've been fighting lies that "you're a failure, you can't do this, your kids would be so better off in school....." "you'll never accomplish anything in life, you'll never be anybody..."
I know God is bringing healing, because even just writing out those lies, I know they are so not true! God brought me this far....against all these odds.....why wouldn't he bring me all the way through????
Do you have any idea how many odds we've beaten??? Someday, I'll write a book.....I will....
Yesterday is history
tomorrow is a mystery
today is a gift....that's why they call it the present
I've been really struggling in everyday routine. God has been sheding some light on the whole thing in the last couple of weeks.
#1. Depression is the fruit of disobedience. I have been wrestling a bit of that, knowing that there are certain things that God is asking me to do, but I am not obeying. That's the first thing that I need to repent of.
#2. A tornado went through my house in the fall. Taking the roof off, blowing the windows to shreds, and there's debris everywhere. I need to remember that it will take time to rebuild the disaster that struck. So far, Joe and I have been spending time on our marriage, prayerfully repairing foundations in that area.
#3. I need to recognize the good that has not been stripped away. Even through the storm, I am still running faithfully and have even begun to run in the mornings! I have still not thrown up my food or gone back to my eating disorder in order to cope. I am allowing God to go into the deep areas of my heart, even though I'm crazy scared of the pain that will and DOES come out. I am grieving in healthy ways and am learning to lean on God in ways I never knew were possible.
#4. It's time to work on the daily routine. Time to allow God to once again fill me with faith that "I CAN DO THIS" I've been fighting lies that "you're a failure, you can't do this, your kids would be so better off in school....." "you'll never accomplish anything in life, you'll never be anybody..."
I know God is bringing healing, because even just writing out those lies, I know they are so not true! God brought me this far....against all these odds.....why wouldn't he bring me all the way through????
Do you have any idea how many odds we've beaten??? Someday, I'll write a book.....I will....
Friday, January 09, 2009
Caution! REAL HEART EXPOSED!
This long and winding road is so bittersweet.
I am SO thankful that I have my God.....that's my first thought. When the dust settles, deep down in my heart and spirit, God's peace carries me. Through it all. He is faithful, even tho I am not, even tho others are not, even tho I get scared, angry, sad and hurt.....He never leaves me.....
There is never a dull moment these days in this house. After Joe left and our world fell apart, God mercifully and graciously rescued us and is restoring, rebuilding, and redeeming our pasts.....
I love my blog, sometimes I want to come here and rant and rave, but then I end up speaking the truths of God and walk away encouraged and full of faith. My sister yesterday said, "there's nothing that tastes better than healthy feels" Both my sis and I grew up on junk food and became serious binge and carb eaters! For her to say that statement is a testimony that God can completely destroy something bad and rebuild it into something good. I too can say that phrase and really really mean it!
This is what's happening in my life in SO MANY levels. I am learning through EXTREME trial and EXTREME heartache what is means to CLING to the Lord with my fingernails. I told my sister the other day that back in October, when I look back to the tornado that ripped through our home and my heart, I pictured myself as this burn victim. The ones you see in movies where all you see is a slit for their eyes, becuase every inch of their skin was melted off. Now imagine taking that bandage off! You'd see a human being looking like raw hamburger! THAT WAS ME!
Through time, God...not Joe, not food, not any other human being or thing on this planet......is healing me. There are times when he will remove dirty bandages and I feel exposed....
He will pour anticiptic on my wounds which will sting.....
He will put fresh new, clean bandages on which makes me feel cared for and brings me comfort....
He will sit at my bedside as I hurt and cry with me....or read to me.....or just be there......
In some strange way, I am thankful for this trial becuase without, I would never know my God the way I do now.
I am thankful for the shaking that He does. I am thankful that He cares more for our salvation than our comfort.
I am thankful that His promises never fail.....
He truly is able, and I'm not just being cliche. It really is true. If you knew what we just went through.....you'd believe me......
I am SO thankful that I have my God.....that's my first thought. When the dust settles, deep down in my heart and spirit, God's peace carries me. Through it all. He is faithful, even tho I am not, even tho others are not, even tho I get scared, angry, sad and hurt.....He never leaves me.....
There is never a dull moment these days in this house. After Joe left and our world fell apart, God mercifully and graciously rescued us and is restoring, rebuilding, and redeeming our pasts.....
I love my blog, sometimes I want to come here and rant and rave, but then I end up speaking the truths of God and walk away encouraged and full of faith. My sister yesterday said, "there's nothing that tastes better than healthy feels" Both my sis and I grew up on junk food and became serious binge and carb eaters! For her to say that statement is a testimony that God can completely destroy something bad and rebuild it into something good. I too can say that phrase and really really mean it!
This is what's happening in my life in SO MANY levels. I am learning through EXTREME trial and EXTREME heartache what is means to CLING to the Lord with my fingernails. I told my sister the other day that back in October, when I look back to the tornado that ripped through our home and my heart, I pictured myself as this burn victim. The ones you see in movies where all you see is a slit for their eyes, becuase every inch of their skin was melted off. Now imagine taking that bandage off! You'd see a human being looking like raw hamburger! THAT WAS ME!
Through time, God...not Joe, not food, not any other human being or thing on this planet......is healing me. There are times when he will remove dirty bandages and I feel exposed....
He will pour anticiptic on my wounds which will sting.....
He will put fresh new, clean bandages on which makes me feel cared for and brings me comfort....
He will sit at my bedside as I hurt and cry with me....or read to me.....or just be there......
In some strange way, I am thankful for this trial becuase without, I would never know my God the way I do now.
I am thankful for the shaking that He does. I am thankful that He cares more for our salvation than our comfort.
I am thankful that His promises never fail.....
He truly is able, and I'm not just being cliche. It really is true. If you knew what we just went through.....you'd believe me......
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
The true measure of a woman pt 2
A part of Lisa's book which speaks my heart so much that I wanted to share in her words, yet it's from my heart as well!! She just says it so hitting the nail!
" I will share very openly and honestly. Pretense and appearances are void of power and cannot help anyone. Teachings without the practical knowledge of how to apply them do nothing but weighs us down.
Therefore, I commit to hide nothing from you that I feel might help you. You will have the advantage of gleaning from my foolishness, mishaps, and mistakes.
In return, I ask that you dare to do the same. Dare to be open and honest with yourself. What we hide eventually ensnares and imprisons us. It grows strongest in the shadows of shame and condemnation.
The gospel that empowers us as we live here and now, and its truth will invade every area where we allow Christ to impact us and change our lives.
We must summon the courage as individuals and step out from behind the facades where we have hidden ourselves.
Even in the church, some act as thought they never really needed a Savior. The truth is, we all have sinned and fallen short. Our closets are cluttered and full. Some like it that way. They like the feel of all that clutter. They feel safe holding on to the past. They will tell you they don't have room for any more, because their closets are already bursting at the seams, and they will insist that they already know everything they need to know. They are satisfied with what they have."
Well, I'm not satisfied! I'm tired of my will, and my way! I'm tired of reaping the fruit when I conform to the pattern of this world! I'm tired and restless of relying on half truths (which are lies disguised) , on relying on just getting by. I'm ready to declutter.....as terrifying as this is! To declutter is to toss out comfortable clothes that are well worn and broken in, but is the wrong cloak! For me, it's shame, specific thought patterns, holding on to the past, and methods of control.
I'm very cluttered. I desperately need God's point of view. Not a glimspe, or a glimmer......I won't be satisfied with that....I want the whole meal deal......
" I will share very openly and honestly. Pretense and appearances are void of power and cannot help anyone. Teachings without the practical knowledge of how to apply them do nothing but weighs us down.
Therefore, I commit to hide nothing from you that I feel might help you. You will have the advantage of gleaning from my foolishness, mishaps, and mistakes.
In return, I ask that you dare to do the same. Dare to be open and honest with yourself. What we hide eventually ensnares and imprisons us. It grows strongest in the shadows of shame and condemnation.
The gospel that empowers us as we live here and now, and its truth will invade every area where we allow Christ to impact us and change our lives.
We must summon the courage as individuals and step out from behind the facades where we have hidden ourselves.
Even in the church, some act as thought they never really needed a Savior. The truth is, we all have sinned and fallen short. Our closets are cluttered and full. Some like it that way. They like the feel of all that clutter. They feel safe holding on to the past. They will tell you they don't have room for any more, because their closets are already bursting at the seams, and they will insist that they already know everything they need to know. They are satisfied with what they have."
Well, I'm not satisfied! I'm tired of my will, and my way! I'm tired of reaping the fruit when I conform to the pattern of this world! I'm tired and restless of relying on half truths (which are lies disguised) , on relying on just getting by. I'm ready to declutter.....as terrifying as this is! To declutter is to toss out comfortable clothes that are well worn and broken in, but is the wrong cloak! For me, it's shame, specific thought patterns, holding on to the past, and methods of control.
I'm very cluttered. I desperately need God's point of view. Not a glimspe, or a glimmer......I won't be satisfied with that....I want the whole meal deal......
Monday, January 05, 2009
The true measure of a woman
Time to journey down the path in pursuit of truth. What is the true measure of a woman?
I've written down my thoughts in my journal last night and this morning. Not going to reveal it yet...but I just wanted to share the path I'm on.
Asking hard questions, opening up my heart in a very very vulnerable way. Scared of the pain, yet I know that its' now or never. I have to keep going. There's no other way.
Last night I caught a glimpse into God's heart for me, and into some truth. As my heart slowly surrendered to God's tenderness and trusting that He would take care of me, I painfully released more lies and accepted more truth. Renewing your mind actually is quite hard.
God led me to my next book, "The true measure of a woman" by Lisa Bevere. I LOVE how the spirit uses her to speak God's heart!
I'll share more as I walk down this path. If you want to share what you think a measure of a woman is...please...let's share together!
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