The vicitim mentality

Everything in my life is bittersweet. When I laugh....I laugh....
When I cry....I cry.....

It's all so intense. Up and down, fast and slow, hot and cold, yet with God...steady and clear.....

The latest in my heart has been "the victim mentality"

Of course, everything in life is in layers. God's been stripping this from me for many years. Only now, in this season....it's CRUCIAL that I do NOT give into the victim mentality.

For me, the thing about playing the victim is that it's SO easy to do. My rights are right in front of me all the time, just speaking to me, "you DESERVE this! He OWES you! You have every right to expect this or that! "
Before I know it, I've spiraled down into a lonely pit of despair....not knowing how to get out.
I've taken this road several times through this journey, only to be trapped, shackled in bitterness and all alone with a voice of shame speaking lies to me.

it's so true that God is the healer of our hearts. I can only ask God to change me, I can't do it by myself. I can only pray for a broken spirit, I can't "will" repentance. Only God can truly lead me there. Without God, this really would be impossible.
I can't tell you how many times, my flesh is the only thing I can hear, see, taste, and feel. It screams out for self protection. It screams out selfish cries for justice and for self....all I can see with my eyes before me is the wound, the hurt, the offense. But yet, as the bitterness grips me, and the voice that says "I'm not worth anything" speaks crap into my spirit...I know I'm at a crossroads. I have to make a choice. There's nothing in my flesh that WANTS to submit. Nothing in me that desires to lay down my rights....but I hear a small voice telling me to lay it down. Telling me I need to repent....

I heard a story of a 2 year old yesterday that gave me a perfect picture of me as a human and a child of God. This describes me to a T!

This child has been going through "a phase" Lately, for some unknown reason, the 2 year old will not submit! He won't come when he's called. If he's asked to look at his parent, he'll turn and look the other way out of defiance! when the parent takes his face and physically holds it so he can look at her, his eyes will wander to the ceiling, or the wall. No matter how many spanks he gets, he will not lay down, or stop what he's doing. But.....he will break.....there's no other way out.......
Sounds like me. 3 days ago, I decided that I deserved a few things. Within 48 hours of pursuing my personal rights, I was alone, tormented spiritually and separated from Joe. In desperation, Running to God, pleading with him to speak to me His truth. My head had been filled with a bunch of lies and I needed breakthrough.
He graciously, yet painfully peeled back my pride enough to show me how He carried my sins to His very death. How the nails He took for me... He took with no strings attached. He again reminded me that all of us need the cross. Not one more than the other, but all His kids need forgiveness and mercy. As I repent of believing these lies and laying down my rights and picking up my cross, I see clearly that I am always called out to live as God has called me. And that NO ONE can take me out of the will of God but ME! If I'm a "victim" then I believe the lie that "I'm not really held accountable, because it wasn't my fault." I will miss out on God's best for me because I'm not walking in obedience! By walking out of God's plan for me, I am selling myself short of God's blessings and protection. Plus on top of all that, my relationship with my hubby is being damaged by my selfishness.

His cross, death and resurrection breaks our sin right off. Through that, I am able to walk in true forgiveness, true love and true freedom. Joe said to me, "I don't want to walk behind you. I want to walk this beside you" That pierced my heart. With the victim mentality, Joe would be miles behind me. That's not God's heart. And it's not the truth! And that's not what reconciliation is. Through God's work on the cross, we can all walk together, without comparing, without jealousy or boasting. I can walk hand in hand with my hubby, because we have both been saved by His amazing grace.....