I'm am starting to use my blog as a place to really get down my feelings.
I would have to say that the shock, the denial is definitly wearing off. I spent the first month after his death just not believing it. "this can't be happening" I would be driving, or doing dishes, or shopping....and just very vigoursly shake my head "NO" I would shake it just out of the blue. If my thoughts turned to Caleb, I would just start involuntary shaking "no".
They have a little display at Caleb's old school in the commons area. A place where they display all the children that have attendended John Dolan School that have passed away. There is a plaque with names and dates, there are pictures of students that have died...........Well, last month, I went there to drop off some things and they showed me this "display".
Caleb's picture was in there, his name was on the plaque (1997-2006) I thought, "what the heck is he in this display for???? with all these other dead kids?????" Why in the world does his name have two years instead of one?????????"
I just stood there, stared at it for a long time, had a tear or two, and shook my head "no" again.....
My friend lost a spouse 9 years ago. she said it took her 5 months to realize that he was never coming back. she shared this with me in my "shock state". I thought sheesh! how long am I going to be numb?? I felt guilty for feeling numb. I thought, maybe I didn't love him enough. Now I realize that i DID.....
The thing about caleb is that his whole life, I stuffed inside. I didn't deal with things, caleb's whole life. The pain and trials of taking care of a severely disabled child was too intense for me to face. As caleb got older, I ended up stuffing more and more. I just couldn't take the pain. I am NOT talking about him dying, getting sick, passing away, him dead now....
I am talking about HIS LIFE on earth.
So now that he's really for truly gone, not only do i have his death to deal with, the loss of him, but to work through 10 years of unresovled issues.......OUCH>>>>>>>>>>>>(insert much pain here)
Before caleb even got sick, 2 weeks before he was admitted to hospital, God started a work in my heart. I was at church and the speaker was talking about parts of your heart that you won't give to God. When God finally broke open that HUGE dam, I cryed about caleb like I never had before. I felt like it was the start of my healing, so therefore, i was very confused when caleb DID die, wondering the timing of God......
thats' it for today.....
8 comments:
Thank you for sharing. I need to be reminded of this when I see another person who hasn't heard yet. Sometimes I just want to avoid telling another person--avoid their shocked faces and my tears. This happened again today at the pharmacy (with one of the pharmacists). But it wasn't as bad as I thought and I was able to give and receive a hug. That was good. So I'm sending you a big hug today.
Some of what you talk about sounds like survival--which can be necessary too...just can't stay in it forever. My auntie died this past summer and my uncle called us and said, "Don't run before you can walk." And so we're just learning a different way to walk now.
Love Jenn
Thanks for Sharing Sarah...my thought's and prayers are with you!
I am blessed to know you.
Good job lady.:)
p.warrior,
thanks for praying, think it's working
When Jenn called me to tell me they had lost their baby, I didn't believe it. I knew the medical personel would not have told her that if they weren't totally sure, but I could not accept it. I prayed and argued with God for the next 30 hours as Jenn was in delivery pleading for another outcome. Then I felt like He'd asked my heart if I would trade- one of mine for hers. A huge struggle ensued of course, but then I realized that they are not "mine" anyways. They are and have always been His. I had to come to the place where I said: "His will be done". I knew He didn't need to take a child to give one, that Christ already paid the cost for all of us... But the next morning, I ran to the kids rooms to make sure they were ok. I don't know why I have two well kids, or why Gordon had to go, or why Caleb had to live with disabilities and why only until age 10, but it's good for all of us to deal with the heart issues and to surrender even if we don't like it and don't understand the whys.
Sarah, I believe that at the times when we feel most alone and sad and even angry with God for things He has done in our lives those are the times when he starts working in our hearts like He never has before! Things don't come over night, and I don't believe that we ever fully get over the loss of people in our lives, ESPECIALLY our children, but each day I believe God is wrapping His arms around you and surrounding you with His love! My prayer is that you will continue to be strong, and that all these "issues" that have been inside of you for so long will start to be resolved! I'm prayin' for ya girl!
Hey Carebear,
You've come to my mind a lot lately. Praying for you, hun.
-BayouMaMa
This is the third time I've tried to send a comment. I am obviously new to this blog world...
I just wanted to say that I love you Care Bear and that I was sad not to see your face today in church. I have thought of you so often this past month and a half. I am so sorry that I could not seem to touch base earlier. I pray that you will find yourself steeped in grace as the Lord carries you in his strength as I have found for myself this past while. All my love and a big hug I send to you.
love Audrey
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