over the last several years, I started a journey. towards health, fitness, and wholeness.....never woulda thought that the road would be what it has been! I've gone through back trails and side trails, hit road blocks, and downhills to speed up the process too! I've gone off road, and even sat in the middle of the road.
My heart is mixed with selfishness and a desire to follow after God. Mixed with pain and woundedness and a courage and bravery that comes from God......I've been reflecting on the journey in the last while, with a desire for new eyes, a new passion to walk the right road. I wish the path was simple, but hopefully, it's complexity is bringing fruit and growth.
I'll start back when I decided to start running. My heart wanted to be healthy and learn spiritual truths through physical parallel's. A year after my running started, I stopped throwing up my food! On Feb 5th 2008(my son, Caleb's birthday) I threw up my food for the last time, another big step towards healing and wholeness. After that point, I was literally held accountable for everything I put in my mouth. Which was a HUGE mind shift for me!
8 months after my last bulimic episode, my husband walked out the door. Fortunately and unfortunately, this wounded me very deeply. Having to walk through deep things have been so painful, yet I'm starting to become grateful for the opportunity to heal and build new foundations. After hearing a huge blow of betrayal fall of 2008, my walk in health and fitness took a turn for the worse. My dreams of following God's heart became a desperate need to fix myself. Fix my body, and loose weight. My eating has suffered some unhealthy patterns and my trips to the gym became twisted and sick.
Fighting through the "winding road" to balance, health and wholeness, has taken me pretty much in every direction. Even though I have still not thrown up my food, I have obssesively used the gym to purge calories, I have borderlined on anorexia, I have even put money under my matress (fall of 2008) to save for plastic surgery!
Reflecting on the last 6 months, I think I see some growth....i think ;) Mexico was very healing for me, it was also in a time period where food had no hold on me. I could eat and enjoy it. I would workout and enjoy it. God has shown me small tastes of freedom only for me to take my life into my own hands and save myself. Ending in painful dead ends, I am learning (the hard way---as usual) which roads cause massive pain. (note to self DON"T TRY TO SAVE YOURSELF<>
By November, I was building myself into a strong powerhouse. Moving up weights, running farther and faster than ever. All the while, empty as hell. I started getting really frustrated with myself because i was still eating more calories than I needed which was fueling my "need" to be at the gym. Wanting so badly to control my eating, I still focused on my gym efforts, because that's what made me feel strong.
End of November, I got sick. Very sick. The gym had to wait. But with my poor eating habits, I was getting paranoid that the calories weren't getting burned off. 3 weeks go by and not a single trip to the gym. As I start feeling better, I decide to give the gym a try......BAD MISTAKE. Even tho I felt semi-fine, my body was NOT ready for a huge full body workout. My body needed that last bit of energy to heal, instead it was used to repair all the muscles I just ripped. Bang! a full body relaspe! sick for another 4 weeks! At this point, I didn't even want to go back! I was tired and had no energy. My life's schedule was now used to not going to the gym and Xmas was here and there was no time. I could feel my clothes getting tighter, but God was speaking to me.
I believe that God used that time of sickness for 2 things. He showed me that I won't DIE if i don't go to the gym. and second, to show me that I can't save myself. He has brought me to a deeper level of surrender as I now step on scale to see I've gained 10 pounds.
Now to walk out of this with greater balance, greater wisdom, greater surrender....I am now counting my calories for some structure and going to the gym, NOT to burn calories, but to be healthy.....
I have a long way to go. I just want to be normal. I want to eat and enjoy, I want to workout and have fun. I don't want weight, size, food, the gym to consume me. I want to be free, and I believe I'm getting closer to that.....
