I don't post much no more. Usually I wait until I have something good to say, which you can tell, those times are very far and few between.
So instead of waiting till I have all my @#!*% together, I'll just spit out where I'm at.
These days, I am down. I can feel the judgment (whether it's legit or coming from me) I just hear it in my head "why aren't you postive? where's your upbeat spirit? come on, get it together, you could be SO much worse off than you are! you have so much to be thankful for! Your heart is so ungrateful........etc......."
The flood in our house is one thing. I think I can handle that. It's pretty overwhelming, but we've been there before and my friend Morgan said to me, "you are designed to handle chaos! you are so good with it" I still feel very much in survival mode instead of thriving mode tho. It's amazing to have my best friend right beside me through all this. Joe and I are so close now, that I can't believe how long we lived "apart"!! We are support for each other. we are laughing together, listening to each other, and when one is down, the other picks up the slack.
But it's this diagnosis that I'm having a hard time accepting. I sense around me that people are down playing what it is and I sense the "get over it" attitude, "it's not that big a deal" But IT IS! And I am the one that has to live with it. People are just like, "well, get the surgery and it will all be better" but it won't be! achalasia has no cure and doctors can only treat half of the problem. The surgery that I am probably getting doesn't solve the problem, it only bandaids it for a time. There's a 70-90% success rate, only for a time. My surgeon said that this is the end of the line. If I get this surgery, there is nothing else they can do other than remove my entire esophagus! so that means there is a 10-30% chance I could get my whole esophagus removed! they would then move my stomach up to my throat (which is a 10% mortality rate doing that surgery)
Call me down, say i have no faith, say I am not positve and that I'm looking at it from the wrong angle.....but this is my life! I have 4 kids and I'm only 31. This surgery lasts from 10-25 years. that puts me anywhere from 40-55 that this surgery will fail me.....
If I don't find my secret place soon, I don't know where I'm gonna end up. think what you want, but this is where I'm at. and I am sad today.
