I don't post much no more. Usually I wait until I have something good to say, which you can tell, those times are very far and few between.
So instead of waiting till I have all my @#!*% together, I'll just spit out where I'm at.
These days, I am down. I can feel the judgment (whether it's legit or coming from me) I just hear it in my head "why aren't you postive? where's your upbeat spirit? come on, get it together, you could be SO much worse off than you are! you have so much to be thankful for! Your heart is so ungrateful........etc......."
The flood in our house is one thing. I think I can handle that. It's pretty overwhelming, but we've been there before and my friend Morgan said to me, "you are designed to handle chaos! you are so good with it" I still feel very much in survival mode instead of thriving mode tho. It's amazing to have my best friend right beside me through all this. Joe and I are so close now, that I can't believe how long we lived "apart"!! We are support for each other. we are laughing together, listening to each other, and when one is down, the other picks up the slack.
But it's this diagnosis that I'm having a hard time accepting. I sense around me that people are down playing what it is and I sense the "get over it" attitude, "it's not that big a deal" But IT IS! And I am the one that has to live with it. People are just like, "well, get the surgery and it will all be better" but it won't be! achalasia has no cure and doctors can only treat half of the problem. The surgery that I am probably getting doesn't solve the problem, it only bandaids it for a time. There's a 70-90% success rate, only for a time. My surgeon said that this is the end of the line. If I get this surgery, there is nothing else they can do other than remove my entire esophagus! so that means there is a 10-30% chance I could get my whole esophagus removed! they would then move my stomach up to my throat (which is a 10% mortality rate doing that surgery)
Call me down, say i have no faith, say I am not positve and that I'm looking at it from the wrong angle.....but this is my life! I have 4 kids and I'm only 31. This surgery lasts from 10-25 years. that puts me anywhere from 40-55 that this surgery will fail me.....
If I don't find my secret place soon, I don't know where I'm gonna end up. think what you want, but this is where I'm at. and I am sad today.
10 comments:
Oh Sarah, sounds like some pretty scary stuff is happening to you these days.
Praying for you...
Hugs
I pray for God's hand to continue to be with you and your family as you struggle through these tough decisions and tough times you are dealing with right now.
I love you and I believe "hope is coming for you."
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/s/C+S+Lewis+Song/2v3yzi
we should talk soon. :)
*hugs*
Keep it real my sis, those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.
To echo Tina, that secret place is coming for you.
And I am one who appreciates realness. I appreciate honesty. I had to take a blog break because I wasn't doing too well and knowing family reads my blog I felt I needed to process stuff rather than verbally type it all out only to have it judged (or so I think).
Praying for wisdom for you as you decide about surgery. Praying the God of the impossible could heal and cure you of this. Hugs and also am so happy to hear you and Joe are doing well.
Big hugs!!!!!
This is very moving and I look at the risks behind everything. This doesnt make us weak. We need to make educated, strong descions and ask ourselves and God what we/he think is best and HOPE for it. We need to weigh the pros and cons as you are not the only one living with the disease your family shares those worries, fears, heartache, stress,and the recovery of the scars internally and externally only heal with love, time and faith. Mike's surgery has only a 50/50 chance of working and 15% chance of paralysis from the waist down. We are hoping for the best and have deifinitly weighed the pros and cons and putting our faith and love forward.Only you know whats best for you and your family.
Take care
Alicia
I have been guilty of down-playing your illness,I did think surgery would make it all better, but now that I understand, I will bring it to the Father in ernest. Thanks for sharing, it is no small thing to me.
Nel
Sounds like the stats are getting you down. We had some of that hurled at us this week too, but then I had to remember the one beyond the stats, the one who has a plan for us, a plan of hope, the one who formed you, who raises you up, who healed and redeemed your marriage- nothing is impossible for Him, sadness may come for a night, but you will dance again- you will dance again Sarah. Don't let the slander of the enemy shout out the song of your heart. love ya- we're gone this week to Quappelle again, but maybe I can catch you when we get back to Stoon.
:(
i love you. and am here you can freak out anytime!
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