Good things.....hard things

hard things:

Kids in school is an adjustment to us all. The hard part about this is that yet another identity has been stripped from me. I am no longer "sarah-the homeschool mom" So I'm still wondering in yet a deeper painful way, "who am I"

We are approaching a very very difficult season. I can't share at all what it is, but needless to say, IT"S GOING TO HURTTTTTTTT! I do believe that much good will come out of it, otherwise there's no way I would walk this way if I didn't know God was calling us this way....So surrounding this is much much fear.....fear of what I'll find, fear of how much it will hurt...

Emotional eating. The first week the kids went back to school, it was a 'fall off the wagon' week. Of course compared to "fall off the wagon" one year ago looked alot different! Never the less, it's what's going on in my heart that matters. And turning to old ways of coping with fear and change wasn't fun. I'm still wobbly, I'd say that I'm half way back on the wagon (to my standards of eating) It really bums me out when I fill my body with junk! I physicaly and spiritually just feel like a lump of lard!

Good things:

Kids going to school. It's a very cool thing at the same time. There is a big part of me that's excited for new purpose and a new season that God is bringing to our family. The second week was much much better than the first. I am enjoying spending time with my baby girls one on two. We've gone swimming, story time at the library, we play playdoh, paint, play preschool computer games, read books, tell stories, visit kokum, visit auntie and daniel.....and this is just the beginning! Soon it will be nice out and we will be going for walks, to parks, to the zoo, on nature hikes, biking.....the list seems so ENDLESS to me! two kids? how long has it been since I've only had two kids??????? try 9 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are approaching a difficult season. My spirit knows that this is a key ticket to my healing. I know in my spirit deep down that this pain will be the release of much hurt. My eyes of faith (if I still have some) sees as healing on the horizon. Sees a warrior emerging from deep within me. Sees a confidence that's never been there before, sees a deep tie to my Father and not to the things that leave me empty......

Emotional eating. When I compare one year ago to today, it's really actually unbelieveable to see "my emotional eating week" today, from last year. Let me paint it for you:
two years ago (before i started running)
Breakfast-2-3 pieces of toast loaded in butter, a bowl of cereal and my kids' leftover crusts!
snack-cookies (maybe as many as 5-10!)
lunch-two bowls of kraft dinner with breaded chicken fingers. and my kids' left overs
snack-more bread with more butter or bagels, or english muffins or donuts......
supper- after eating a serving while cooking, i would eat two helpings of some kind of fattening food all gravy, all sauce, all bread.....AND the kids' left overs and while cleaning up....more food!
before bed- cookies, or brownies, or icecream or popcorn, but 4-5 times out of the week, i would eat myself stuffed before bed.
alot of this food would be thrown up. My body exhasted from digesting a sick amount of food PLUS the work of all the vomiting.....
MAN!!! THANK GOD YOU SAVED ME!

Today:
A fairly normal healthy eating day. But when the kids got home from school, they were all hungry and I ate with them. Last week I was eating cookies and bread for comfort. The quanities were cut in at least half. and not throwing up! I still had my regular workouts and am turning it around each day.

So there you have it.....once again.....I'm wearing out the saying, "BITTERSWEET"
But that's what my life is......bittersweet
joyful/sorrowful......
no numbness around here!