Since I'm being brutally honest....why stop now?

So, after my weekend melt down, a tiny part of courage in me says "yes" to a secular music fast that Joe suggests. Joe asks me how long, "a week?" "I think it's going to take a lot longer than a week to plow through this" So on Sunday, we started a secular music fast. How long will it be for?....i don't know yet.....

I'm not doing this because I think secular music is evil or that anyone that listens to it is going to hell. I'm doing this for these reasons:

I am starving to death. Over the last few months, I have lost my desire to listen to anything worship or praise related. I have realized in small parts that the music I choose, feeds a hurting part of me. it band-aids my hurts in a 'quick fix' type of way. It feeds me the messages that I can do it by myself! That I don't need anyone and can't trust anyone. Some of my music makes me feel sexy and powerful.

I've gone on many food fasts before, but have never experienced a fast with something OTHER than food that I was so TIED to! You don't realize how much you are glued to something until you take it away. I am actually going through withdrawals! There are many times that ALL I want to do is turn on a certain song to get lost, escape, to fill myself with a false sense of self confidence. I've had one slip this week. I was on my way somewhere, when I wondered what was on the other stations. I quickly checked on C95 and my latest favorite song was playing! Oh, I couldn't turn it off! I decided to just listen to this one song and that was it. It was so eye opening to see me come alive! I got all pumped up, excited, was singing in my car.....God has been so good to open my eyes and to pursue this broken, messed up human being. I can't believe He actually is.

This year hasn't been easy. But I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel. My world from MY perspective it's went from white to black and then back to white, when actually in real reality went from black to white. The hurt in our marriage turned my world to black when I found out about it, but then I got a brand spankin new husband! From the moment he repented, he hasn't been the same. Walking a clear non wavering, no doubt in my mind that he has changed! I didn't know I was actually living in black until God redeemed it, back to white. Having a spiritually strong and stable husband is all new to me! Having Joe step in places that I felt alone before is awesome, but at the same time, it's disorientating. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself! It's like I'm having to find myself all over again, in light of my new husband! It's a sweet way to loose yourself of course! I can't imagine if he hadn't come back home and walked away from us for good! What would I even look like then???!!!!!

All this shaking of my world has left me very confused and disorientated. Finding my way through the stages of grief, all the way up to now, where I am slowly allowing God to come back into my heart on very real terms. I am back to learning how to spoon feed myself simple worship songs. Learning to stop swearing at the lyrics and embracing the messages of hope and love.

My pastors wife, (AN AWESOME WOMAN!!) was here for coffee and I said, "I can't believe how this music fuels me!" Her answer was quick and pointed, "of course that makes sense! you are a worshiper, God has placed that in you, no wonder the other side feeds you like it does!" I miss dancing before God. Will I ever again? I miss my pretty white dress, will I be able to wear it for my daddy God? If you read this, please pray that I will have to courage and strength to contiune this fast as long as it takes for God to soften my heart, redeem and heal what's there.