Feb 5 came and went. That's my son's birthday. He would have been 13. Life is so strange. It goes on without your questions getting answered. It can be a blur of emotions and events. For some people, life is purposeful, and it makes sense. Not so with me. I'm still waiting for the day I can truly find my footing. Grounding in a solid foundation that doesn't shake and fall apart with events and emotions. I thought at one point in my life that I had that. Maybe I was "getting there"......but being in a blur, I still don't know the answer to that either.
God has given us something solid to stand on. Given us all something safe to hide in, something worth living for, something that doesn't change like the shadows. But when I look at my life......(from today's perspective) it's a blur. It's just all these things that have happened that have caused havoc on my insides. God continues to bring me to a pressing point. A place of heat, and loving pressure. I know he does this so I can willingly be rid of inner junk.......each time, I hope and pray I'm closer to letting that junk go.....
One of these days, circumstances won't be what makes me who I am. One of these days, His solid truth will be enough. I'm hoping....praying.....begging, pleading that one of these days, I will be released from the anger, bitterness, and the pain. One of these days, I will see my life through God's eyes and it will be peaceful. I will find peace. I will know it wasn't my fault. I will have forgiven myself and others. I will have peace about my son, why he was given to me and why he went home before his 10th birthday. I will know why I had an 18 year long eating disorder . And if God never explains "why" on this earth, I will have peace with not having to know why.
These are my thoughts today
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Monday, February 08, 2010
Fitness certification and my heart
Friends had told me what to expect at my group module fitness class this weekend, but nothing can really prepare you till you're there.
We started the day on Saturday with step and high low aerobics. Our teacher took us through a full class of each, so that we knew and were familiar with taking that class. While she was teaching us through the class, she was teaching us how to teach! Then, we spent alot of the day building our own class and teaching our individual lessons to eachother.....which meant alot more step!
Sunday was a shock for a lot of us. We started 9am sharp with a bootcamp class. I think our instructor wanted to see really what we could do. I felt like I was on the biggest loser! Within 15 minutes, someone puked! Our intervals were like anything I've ever done. It was extremely challenging, but super fun too. I remember at one point, I was focusing my mind on giving birth to my babies, coaching myself through all the pain......
I had so much fun! I learned so many new things and it was very character building. People don't think that a bootcamp workout can really challenge your character, but when the rubber meets the road, you have to TELL your body to move or it just won't!
After bootcamp, we had to continue to build our own practical classes and teaching eachother. Needless to say, that today, I am walking around feeling every muscle I have in my body....I am realizing that I have muscles that I didn't know where there! Which is a bittersweet pain for me :D
I met a lot of neat people with similar goals. Which to be honest, it felt good to be around people that didn't look at you like you were a totally unbalanced person. They love to be active and it's just a part of their lifestyle. So when you tell them that you workout 4-5 times per week, they don't look at you like you're on crack.
I'm excited to start helping others. I think it's a good move to channel my focus on others and helping people rather than just doing it for me. My hubby is SOOO good and supportive. He was amazing this weekend! On Saturday, he took Faith to ballet, washed the van, picked up groceries, made crepes for lunch, cleaned the house and had supper on by the time I got home! He told me it was to show me how much he supports me in this. On Sunday, he took them to church, fed them lunch, cleaned the house again and made farmer sausage for supper. I am so blessed to have such an amazing man!!!!!! sigh......
He encouraged me to dream, to dream of all that God would have for me. Ironically......of course the way God does things.....there was a woman in my class. I did NOT LIKE HER. She just threatened me. She was a representation of a lot of hurt and I knew that. But God used her out of EVERYONE in that class to speak into me.....that made me both mad, and cry. I wanted to hate her, but God kept pouring out encouragement and love that I became friends with her!!
God is good, even tho I'm still so stubborn, weak and seem so unmoldable. He somehow breaks through.....I don't know how. But he does. I hope it has something to do with my biggest prayer.
God, don't let me go. don't let me go hard. break through whatever you need to, even if I'm kicking and screaming, I give you permission to hold my arms down and sit on me if you have to. Have your way.......have your way........even the things I'm admitting that I'm not ready to let go of yet, I WANT to let go of them. Help me, release my death grip on my pitiful, useless forms of comfort. Make me into what glorifies you........
We started the day on Saturday with step and high low aerobics. Our teacher took us through a full class of each, so that we knew and were familiar with taking that class. While she was teaching us through the class, she was teaching us how to teach! Then, we spent alot of the day building our own class and teaching our individual lessons to eachother.....which meant alot more step!
Sunday was a shock for a lot of us. We started 9am sharp with a bootcamp class. I think our instructor wanted to see really what we could do. I felt like I was on the biggest loser! Within 15 minutes, someone puked! Our intervals were like anything I've ever done. It was extremely challenging, but super fun too. I remember at one point, I was focusing my mind on giving birth to my babies, coaching myself through all the pain......
I had so much fun! I learned so many new things and it was very character building. People don't think that a bootcamp workout can really challenge your character, but when the rubber meets the road, you have to TELL your body to move or it just won't!
After bootcamp, we had to continue to build our own practical classes and teaching eachother. Needless to say, that today, I am walking around feeling every muscle I have in my body....I am realizing that I have muscles that I didn't know where there! Which is a bittersweet pain for me :D
I met a lot of neat people with similar goals. Which to be honest, it felt good to be around people that didn't look at you like you were a totally unbalanced person. They love to be active and it's just a part of their lifestyle. So when you tell them that you workout 4-5 times per week, they don't look at you like you're on crack.
I'm excited to start helping others. I think it's a good move to channel my focus on others and helping people rather than just doing it for me. My hubby is SOOO good and supportive. He was amazing this weekend! On Saturday, he took Faith to ballet, washed the van, picked up groceries, made crepes for lunch, cleaned the house and had supper on by the time I got home! He told me it was to show me how much he supports me in this. On Sunday, he took them to church, fed them lunch, cleaned the house again and made farmer sausage for supper. I am so blessed to have such an amazing man!!!!!! sigh......
He encouraged me to dream, to dream of all that God would have for me. Ironically......of course the way God does things.....there was a woman in my class. I did NOT LIKE HER. She just threatened me. She was a representation of a lot of hurt and I knew that. But God used her out of EVERYONE in that class to speak into me.....that made me both mad, and cry. I wanted to hate her, but God kept pouring out encouragement and love that I became friends with her!!
God is good, even tho I'm still so stubborn, weak and seem so unmoldable. He somehow breaks through.....I don't know how. But he does. I hope it has something to do with my biggest prayer.
God, don't let me go. don't let me go hard. break through whatever you need to, even if I'm kicking and screaming, I give you permission to hold my arms down and sit on me if you have to. Have your way.......have your way........even the things I'm admitting that I'm not ready to let go of yet, I WANT to let go of them. Help me, release my death grip on my pitiful, useless forms of comfort. Make me into what glorifies you........
Monday, February 01, 2010
My song for this season
You look around
It's staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under?
You wonder
What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?
When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go
So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water too
So get out
And let
Your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste
Don't wait
Don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for
I know you're not sure
So you play it safe
Try to run away
If you take that first step
Into the unknown
He won't let you go
STEP OUT
Even when a storm hits
STEP OUT
Even when you're broken
STEP OUT
Even when your heart is telling you telling you to give up
STEP OUT
When your hope is stolen
STEP OUT
You can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid
So what are you waiting,
What are you waiting for?
So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water...
Walk on the water too
Britt Nicole-Walk on the Water
It's staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under?
You wonder
What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?
When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go
So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water too
So get out
And let
Your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste
Don't wait
Don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for
I know you're not sure
So you play it safe
Try to run away
If you take that first step
Into the unknown
He won't let you go
STEP OUT
Even when a storm hits
STEP OUT
Even when you're broken
STEP OUT
Even when your heart is telling you telling you to give up
STEP OUT
When your hope is stolen
STEP OUT
You can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid
So what are you waiting,
What are you waiting for?
So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water...
Walk on the water too
Britt Nicole-Walk on the Water
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