Feb 5 came and went. That's my son's birthday. He would have been 13. Life is so strange. It goes on without your questions getting answered. It can be a blur of emotions and events. For some people, life is purposeful, and it makes sense. Not so with me. I'm still waiting for the day I can truly find my footing. Grounding in a solid foundation that doesn't shake and fall apart with events and emotions. I thought at one point in my life that I had that. Maybe I was "getting there"......but being in a blur, I still don't know the answer to that either.
God has given us something solid to stand on. Given us all something safe to hide in, something worth living for, something that doesn't change like the shadows. But when I look at my life......(from today's perspective) it's a blur. It's just all these things that have happened that have caused havoc on my insides. God continues to bring me to a pressing point. A place of heat, and loving pressure. I know he does this so I can willingly be rid of inner junk.......each time, I hope and pray I'm closer to letting that junk go.....
One of these days, circumstances won't be what makes me who I am. One of these days, His solid truth will be enough. I'm hoping....praying.....begging, pleading that one of these days, I will be released from the anger, bitterness, and the pain. One of these days, I will see my life through God's eyes and it will be peaceful. I will find peace. I will know it wasn't my fault. I will have forgiven myself and others. I will have peace about my son, why he was given to me and why he went home before his 10th birthday. I will know why I had an 18 year long eating disorder . And if God never explains "why" on this earth, I will have peace with not having to know why.
These are my thoughts today
3 comments:
I too am waiting for that day. When the power of what God says and who I am in Him, and who He is will be my full sustenance.
I love reading about your journey, though. I am constantly inspired by hearing how in your moments of 'crisis' God comes in and speaks some truth to you.
Love you.
Sarah, I think you DO glorify God, anyone who owns up to the struggel against anger, bitterness, and pain is an encouragement to others because we all have the same cross to carry, defeating our three greatest enemies, self, the devil, and the world. Since we can't be perfect we come to a place were we behold His perfection and in contrast see our own ratgut and are humbled as we learn to trust Him for all we are worth, that is a good place to be. I just love the prayer of your heart. Thanks for shining your light!
Nelda
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