Care Bear

i've started so many blogs, and have never had such a bad bloggers block before. people have proabaly given up reading. which i would if there were so little posts.

anyway, i am forcing myself to give an update. as boring as it will be. Maybe it will be one of those things, that the longer you leave it, the harder it is to write.

My esophagus update:

I went for a barrium swallow, where they make drink this chalky white stuff and then they xray you to see how the stuff goes down and if it gets stuck etc. This test told the doctor that i had a narrowing in my esophagus and that it spasms as it tried to get the stuff down. According to this test, my narrowing was quite small and the doctors rushed me to top priority to have my esophagus stretched out! they said that it was as narrow as a pencil! They were surprised that I haven't lost weight and were very concerned with my ability to get food into my stomach. They explained to me that because of my bulimia, i have built up scar tissue around the opening which could contribute to the narrowing.

On the day of surgery. My doc said that most paitents are awake during the stretching, but because mine was so narrow, they wanted to put me out since it would be very painful and would want me to stay still. Everything went super good. exept for after. My surgeon came to me after and said that she didn't find any narrowing...... ??????....... she said that my tissue looked normal and healthy.......??????.......

which would seem like a miracle right? but then she said she suspects that i have this thing called achalasia. it's a disease of the esophagus that effects 1 in every 100 000 and it would be completely unrelated to my bulimia......??????....... of course, i looked it up and saw that it's uncurable and increases your risk to cancer of the esophagus and there is no real treatment for it other than really invasive surgery which might not even work anyway!

So I wait for a test. they will again put a camera down my throat and have me drink water. they say it won't be very fun. but they will be able to determine if i have this disease or not. I'm trying not to freak out. at least with the narrowing, I knew WHY it happened. I knew it was my fault and there was treatment for it. but this disease just scares me. why me?

this is my first update. hopefully in the next couple of days i will update on fitness training and certification.