Paradox?

I used to be strong....i think.....

These days, I am easily defeated. My foundation that is supposedly being rebuilt is still so shaky. The demolition and construction seem to be going at a snails pace.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but why is it that one thing can just throw your whole world into a new dimension? Things have been thrown my way my whole life and then one curve ball knocks me on my @#!*% and puts me on what seems like the sidelines for months and months.

I've said the word "disorientated" many many times in the last year and a half. I'd like to believe that I'm finding more and more ground as the months go on.....but somedays, I still feel so lost. Still plagued with the questions
"am i worth it?"
"who am I?"
"am I beautiful?"
"am i enough?"
"what is my purpose?"
and probably the most plaguing question of them all: "am I chosen?"

The latest veggie thrown into my tossed salad is my new diagnosis. I have a rare swallowing disease called achalasia. It affects 1 out of every 100 000 people. it is a progressive disease that has no cure. I am trying to hold onto hope, faith like i used to, but it's like i forget how, or maybe I'm just tired of saying things like, "everything happens for a reason, there is a plan, god will heal me, take care of me, i praise you in this storm"........etc........

It's like i've been saying those things all my life. like the strong young christian woman that i am. But life really has beaten me down. I can't do it anymore. I'm completely spent. Maybe there's a few of you out there reading this that will say, "GREAT! Now she will surrender. Now God can be strong, becuase she's finally weak!"

Whatever that means. Parts of me hopes that God can step in more because I am admitting defeat, but parts of me is scared that I am really losing who I am meant to be. I WANT TO BE STRONG. I keep calling to the warrior in me......who seems to be so far in the distance, she is out of calling range.

I really am to the point that I don't care at all what people think of me anymore....which is really freeing! I'm not afraid to make mistakes anymore, and i don't have to worry about masks, or putting my best foot forward anymore. I think I'm sometimes putting my worst foot forward to see who will still walk with me through this.

I know I've changed. I've got a few more walls up, but yet a few less barriers. I have less fear of man, but yet an insecurity I've never had before. I've become more careful, and yet I'm more carefree. I'm not as legalistic and religious, but yet possibly leaning to far the other way.

I do choose hope. I choose life, as best as i know how. God, i know you can hear me. and i know you're there. I will continue to call out to you.
make all this into something beautiful.....including me.....