from weariness to truth

It's so hard to see my mom like this.

She can't breathe, she's in lots of pain. She can barely sit up for long periods, let alone shower, or go to the bathroom. She seems so fragile. Life seems so fragile. Her heart condition, they say is mostly related to stress. I've been trying to wrap my head around the fact that stress can put you in this kind of physical spot. Jesus was right when He said to cast our cares on Him. He was thinking of us in love when He told us to not worry about anything, but pray about everything.

Then I've been wondering are you ever too old to change something in your life.... They say that the longer you hold onto a habit, the harder it is to break. The longer you allow patterns in your life to form and take root, the harder it is to uproot them. I think of 2 generations older than me. My grandparents. I watch how my granny is totally set in her ways. You can't really tell her anything, because she already has it made up in her mind. Even though you know that there are more blessings that God has for someone of that age, they just can't seem to see it, recieve it, or believe it. Is there a point where you say in your spirit that "they are just too old, at this point, they can't understand...." It's almost like you "give up on them" That's how I feel. I don't want to give up on my mom. But she's been doing certain things for a long time. Her thought patterns are more than set. I see that she wants to change, but doesn't know how. I think of myself and how I want to change in certain areas and it seems even me at 28 years old, I am set in my ways and it's hard for even me to break free from certain thought patterns. how can my 55 year old mom do it? I see my grandparents and how I honestly can't ever see them stepping out of their little world as they know it.

I want to believe
I want to have faith
I don't want to give up on my mom
I want to pray
I don't know what to pray for
My faith is weary
I feel like the weeds are choking me out
I feel like the ravens have come to snatch my seeds
I feel like my soil is rock


I take comfort in knowing that God never changes.
I take comfort in knowing that He isn't interested in performance
I take comfort in knowing that He is God over all this cloudiness and that this season is temporary
He knows my thoughts before they leave my mouth and he loves me just the same He understands
He is strong in weakness

Just like David COMMANDED his soul to worship, so my lips speak of His greatness
I look up I will step out of the boat again.
I will walk to Jesus on the water again..... In time.......