for some fun

TV or no TV?

I am thankful that God has been answering my prayers for direction. For once in my life, i am going to learn something WITHOUT swinging the pendulum! I am excited.

This morning, I had just the most amazing workout! When I workout in the morning without eating first, I usually struggle through it. Knowing that the calories burned first thing in the AM are coming right off my body and not off everything I ate all day helps me push through it.

I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical and then jumped on the tread for another 15 on running, running hard the last 4 minutes. When I go to the gym, all the equipment has T.V.'s and I usually watch a show while I run. But I was talking to a friend and telling her about how my workouts at home are so much more filled with worship. I realized that it was because I don't watch TV at home. I stare at one spot on the wall and soak in the worship music I listen to. So today, I turned off the T.V. at the gym and just spent that 30 minutes just talkin with God which was SO refreshing......

I hate it when I "run away" (no pun intended) and just fill my head with noise. I feel so empty. I just pray that I will have the endurance to run this race with excellence.

The biggest loser

I watch that show faithfully every Tuesday night. Of course, last night, I cried....again.

I can relate to them! So I was never over 210 pounds, but I know what it's like to feel trapped in a big unhealthy body that can barely move. I know what it feels like to know that food controls your life. I know what it's like to feel chained to the fridge and the toilet. I lived with bulimia for 18 years!

Last night Kristin went home. She was eliminated. (sorry to all who haven't watched it on their PVR yet) The show will always follow them home and show you how they are doing after leaving the biggest loser campus. 2 months after she left, Kristin was still going strong, losing more weight and staying on track. But more than that......she was helping others. She was using her story to speak to other women who felt trapped in their overwhelming feeling of never succeeding. They showed Kristin in a conference room full of ladies, listening to her tell them to believe! if she could do it, so could they! You could see the impact on their faces as Kristin shared her testimony.

This year has not been an easy one for us. For me. 7 months later, I'm still trying to find who I am. I went shopping with my sister the other day and found a rainbow scarf. I loved it at first sight! But it was an ODD moment. The reason it was an odd moment for me is because I actually had a PIECE of me COME OUT.....shine through. I LIKE THIS SCARF.....ME......I LIKE IT......THIS IS SOMETHING I LIKE.............

This might make no sense to anyone, but to me, I feel like I'm really building from the ground up. When I was watching Kristin last night, I was reminded of WHY I started my journey 4 years ago......to loose weight and get healthy.......
To help others. To walk with others. To inspire others. To teach others. To show God's goodness and faithfulness.
Somewhere in my woundedness, I am in my own little world of diet and exercise. Fueled by low self esteem and a drive to be a perfect 10 body, I'm WAY off track. I'm lost. I've been wrestling this for a while. Wondering what the answer is?
Do I just quit everything? Swing the pendulum WAY to the other side in hopes that I'll find the balance? Do I stop my physical activity completely?
So far, I've thought that I should FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE....STOP SWINGING THE PENDULUM to extremes and carry on and seek God in the process.

Anyway, this is again, real and gross.
Where I'm at.
I've ate like SH#T all week and I'm suppose to run my first 10 km today with Megan. Everything in me wants to cancel. There's something telling me to keep going.
God.........
Father.......
Come, make the places in my soul right.......

sad today
wanna be real with who i am
where im at
but who am i
will i heal?
will God fill all those places that feel so raw?
will I get better?
do i play a victim?
never been so lost
which i know deep down is god's plan
im so lost so i can be found
but i want to be found right now

Thankful books/movies/tv shows

Books:

156. Every woman's marriage
157. Every woman's battle
158. The bible
160. Captivating
161. The true measure of a woman
162. Out of control and loving it.
163. Calvin and Hobbs

Movies:

164. Yes man
165. Adventures in babysitting
166. School of rock
167. Liar Liar
168. Signs
169. Family man
170. Sweet home alabama

TV shows:

171. The biggest loser
172. X-weighted
173. Last 10 pounds bootcamp
174. Till debt do us part

Thank you God for...(155)

139. Being able to walk to mac's with my girls and buy them a bunch of sugar goodness
140. giving me the strength to bypass all temptations and buy sugar free gum
141. BBQ season
142. healing my body from the virus that was trying to attack it
143. finding me a new bike for the summer!
144. finding Noah a cool BMX bike for only 40 bucks!
145. Green tea and green grapes
146. My sister, who is an amazing person, with qualities that show me what REAL BEAUTY IS.
147. That she's making her first turkey that I could smell from outside her house YUMMERS
148. For my bro in law that will hopefully sacrifice a run or two this summer so that I can work on my speed
149. For my mom who gives and gives and gives
150. my father figure who is still smoke free 3 months this wed!!!
151. my inlaws that I'm excited to see tomorrow for Easter!
152. uncle Rod and auntie Joan who have moved back to toon town!! WELCOME HOME!
153. the never ending hope that you supply in our driest times
154. your death and resurection that provides EVERYTHING WE NEED
155. I thank you for this daily, and will again....for saving, rescuing my marriage. Not just to survive, but saving it for your plans. Thank you for saving our family from what half of the world faces everyday......

Thankful list con't from FOREVER AGO.

I wanted to follow flowerlady's heart in finding 1000 blessings and sharing them my blog. I've been reminded of that today and want to continue my list

132. I am desired
133. I am pursued
134. I am worth God's son
135. I don't have to perform to earn God's love
136. I am accepted
137. I am valuable
138. God redeems everything

How do I blog?

I've written several posts, only to delete them or save them. I want to be real, but yet not have the whole world feast on my deepest most intimate thoughts.....

So I'll leave you with this:

I'm struggling. my sister nin has a song on her blog that speaks very well how I'm doing. You could go there and listen to the song. I love how real it is.

I want to be totally honest with my readers, but there are things in my heart and in my life that are just not meant to be shared right now. Which is hard for me.

Fear is my biggest enemy right now.
i'm tired of it in my life. I'm searching for the redemption that Jesus gives. Healing and restoration.
i wish i could be light and fluffy....just not there. just can't do it.....