I'm sitting here on a Saturday night.....
Knowing that church is in the morning.
Why do I go?
What's the purpose?
Is it safe? To heal? to be real? to allow God to work in me without the walls I've built?
Rene's post has complimented my thoughts about the "format' of it all.
Also, I've been holding onto stuff that I'm afraid to share, but am so sick of fear of people's opinions at this moment that I'm just going to say it!!
I went dancing! In a bar! And, I had 3 drinks! there.....I said it. Isn't it stupid that I am afraid of judgement? afraid that people will look "down" on me because those things are "bad"?
Go ahead, make my comment box a place to talk about this....cause at this point....I want to pretend I was never "saved"-start over-so that I can get to know God for real. The REAL God. Not the God that religion has painted.....
11 comments:
that last part, about pretending you were never "saved"......
wow.
Of course you know I know and agree with your heart in so many ways, and have been blessed to be able to share my own journey with you in this. As much as it's a pain in the arse that God has us on the same road all the time, I think we both know He knows what he's doing when he does it. I love you so much!
And just to be a stinker, cuz I'm your little sis, let's not forget to mention it was a GAY bar we went to lol.
Carebear
12 years ago I did start over. I gave up on church and started a journey to discover what it really meant to be a Christian. I still attended church here and there but I stayed on the margins. If it weren't for girls I don't think I would have made it to church on Sunday. Eventually I did discover a deeper more real faith that was based on God's grace, not my performance. It helped me rest easier and it transformed me in to a better man. I also came back to a deep and abiding commitment to God's church.
Nin
I just about fell out my chair when I read your last sentence!
I haven't been to church for a Long time. It hasn't affected my relationship with God. Going to church doesn't make a person a better Christian. Some people need to do it,while others can still have a deepened relationship with God on their own. I'm happy where I am at. If I get a big longing to go I'll return.
My word verification is "bereal"...wow!!LOL
Wow! Thankyou for being real! Its refreshing!
Since moving out here, we have gone from one church to the next, meeting some pretty cool people along the way. But...we have not truly found our home in a church. A lot of crap has gone on as well in regards to all of this. It has made me open my eyes to the fact that a church nor its people make/help you have a better or more personal relationship with God! Yes, its good to surround yourself with other believers...but like my friend Jenny:) I have friends who are believer that don't go to church...and hey, thats totally ok! Sometimes, before we moved out here, I felt like I went to church out of habit...cause thats what I had learned, thats what I had done my entire life...that was just the "normal" thing to do! Living out here, I haven't had my parents watching my every move...asking why I wasn't in church that day, etc. We've come to the conclusion that we're ok...even though I would like to go on a regular basis...just for the fact that I do enjoy hearing a message every now and then. I admit though...that at this point in my life, I could care less about developing relationships with others in the church (not saying that I don't want to...I'm just saying that I know enough people already that I don't care to know more...haha). I don't care to be in a cell/caring group, I don't want to go to a ladies bible study either! I just want to be loved by my friends and of course my family! Our family has gone through a lot out here. I still get the guilt from my parents, who are 2100kms away about us not going to church on a regular basis. We had gone to so many, and switched so many times that we just had to step back and take a break and had to realize why we went. We were going for the people, for the socialization...not to meet God! But we can meet God anywhere at anytime...not just on a sunday in a building with a cross on the stage! He is with us all the time if we allow Him to be!
I'm not saying that I have given up on church, because I do believe that it has a place and a purpose...I believe that whole heartedly. Just right now, I'm on the fence...but I am slowly getting off and am getting closer to going back...its just going to take time.
Thanks for your post...sorry that my comment was longer than it! Lol!
I miss Holly and Darcy's caregroup....
Not nessasarily the specifics of it, but the heart. Being the church, encouraging one another, loving eachother right where we were at, welcoming with open arms new people, fellow believers as well as not, going here going there, just to be together.
Obviously, God's timing of the lifegroups was different than ours. He wants our focus to be on HIM first, not a group first. I know alot of us don't "get that". But I know He loves us in our lack of "getting it". And even as we don't get it, He continues to show us pieces of His heart and in where He's taking us.
I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water and say, hey, I can do it on my own, even though I'm just a hand with no body or arm! Think about that for a sec, if I'm a hand, I can't hear cuz I have no ears, I can't speak cuz I have no mouth, I can't walk cuz I have no legs. Seriously, that's dumb, but you run the risk of coming to that place when you get "sick of church".
It's about Him. It's all flipping about Him. And if we don't truly KNOW Him, how can we expect to "get" anything! How can we expect to have any answers to the sea of questions that we as christians all ask at one time or another.
I'm sick off feeling like my relationship with God is a series of visits. Never an inhabitation.
I too want to pretend like I'm starting from square one, backtrack, through all the crap that needs to be burned up and thrown out, so I can finally get to the real deal, which is Him.
He loves his bride, He loves our brothers and sisters, He loves the world..... We will not be able to walk in love to the ones He loves until we can fully receive His love for us.
just a guy: sorry to make you fall out of your chair. just stating the real deal ; ) and it was fun.
One of my fav sayings ever is "Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than sleeping in a garage makes you a car"
k
just a guy: thank you for sharing! Your heart gives me hope to find newness in all this pain. I don't want to give up, but yet, it seems that giving up (surrender) is what needs to happen for God to make things new.
So question (smiling) what so shocking about a gay bar!? you know it was nice to not have to worry about being hit on by other guys. I could just dance and have fun and not have to worry about the "meat market" that was there. Of course I did get hit on by a girl....who was getting married.....to a guy......and was complaining that her new man, didn't like that she liked both guys and girls!!! she also spilled her beer on me and wouldn't take her arm off of my sis!! it was quite amusing!~
Jenny, cool word veri!!
Tanya, it's like the pressure to go to church turns you off heh? I hear ya. You'll find your place! One things for sure, leave and cleave!! your parents are not a part of your decisions as a family! Of course I know you know that, but I just wanted to encourage you to not let your parents pressure to sway you....
k...nice saying! love it!
nin...of course I second all that you said....of course!
On a number of things Christianity seems to be more of "what other people think" instead of what God thinks. Drinking or Dancing doesn't make any more or less Christian nor does church attendance. Just the extreme of those are the things that could possibly harm a person if they are not careful. The point of a church is to get connected with a spiritual community. If a church congregation you've attended didn't focus on that then it was an institution not a church. Just like you can be connected with a vibrant community of believers and not attend a classical church service, will not make you a "bad Christian." In the end it is Your faith that He will acknowledge for salvation or not.
Its not the pressure to go to church that I feel...no, thats not it. Its more the pressure of once I go, the people in the church want me to do this and to do that and to get involved with this and help out with that. The churches out here are much smaller than what I grew up in. I don't like to be noticed as the "newbie" the moment I walk in the door. I like to take my time...to see where I fit...to feel things out before I jump in with both feet! Thats just me...a bit cautious...maybe.
I honestly don't worry too much about what my parents have to say about us going to church or not. I understand their point of view and their concerns...but I don't live for them in the least! I do respect their opinion though...even if I don't agree...and sometimes their opinion can cause me to feel guilt. They're worried about my kids...that they're not growing up in the church. We're trying as a family to do what is the best for all of us.
Just being out here, experiencing different churches, different types of worship and different types of christians...it has been an eye opening experience for sure! I know what I want out of a church and what I don't. I've realized that I need to accept the church that I do eventually attend for what it is. I may not agree with everything that they teach, and they may not agree with everything that I say or do...but I hope and pray that we can agree to love one another, no matter what!
There is so much more I could say, but I won't. Through all of this, I have seen the good, the bad and the ugliness that church can bring. I've been through a lot out here...but its been a growing and stretching period for me and my family. We'll get through it...thankfully God is the same, today and tomorrow!
Hi Nin and Carebear
I just about fell out of my chair because I was laughing so hard I almost lost it.
Have I ever said wow. I wish I got to know this women more when I was there. that is the kind of women I love hanging out with the real people. Where you can be like screw this except maybe other words lol. and just be heck here I am a mess and you can take it or leave it. and then start with God here I am cause you knew this about me from day one. Sometimes I find church can be a place of masks and expectations.
or making an idenity instead of learning how to be. and we preach on being all the time but then the preacher has not learned it eather.
So many masks in our society it is crazy.
I got to see you a bit like this and when I did man oh man I felt honored. it is strange the say that now. as I live in a group of friends that are like that all the time we are real show our fears show our tears show our anger and show our smiles. and not turn out backs on each other because we did not respond the write way.. hmm what is the write way?
I always say look back at david. if you think dancing and having 3 drinks is crazy go read what David did. heck now there is crazy.. and God loved him to pieces.
I say go and be.. girl.. and learn who is Jesus for you. and be real it might frustrate others but it might also help them learn realism love ya
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