So, after my weekend melt down, a tiny part of courage in me says "yes" to a secular music fast that Joe suggests. Joe asks me how long, "a week?" "I think it's going to take a lot longer than a week to plow through this" So on Sunday, we started a secular music fast. How long will it be for?....i don't know yet.....
I'm not doing this because I think secular music is evil or that anyone that listens to it is going to hell. I'm doing this for these reasons:
I am starving to death. Over the last few months, I have lost my desire to listen to anything worship or praise related. I have realized in small parts that the music I choose, feeds a hurting part of me. it band-aids my hurts in a 'quick fix' type of way. It feeds me the messages that I can do it by myself! That I don't need anyone and can't trust anyone. Some of my music makes me feel sexy and powerful.
I've gone on many food fasts before, but have never experienced a fast with something OTHER than food that I was so TIED to! You don't realize how much you are glued to something until you take it away. I am actually going through withdrawals! There are many times that ALL I want to do is turn on a certain song to get lost, escape, to fill myself with a false sense of self confidence. I've had one slip this week. I was on my way somewhere, when I wondered what was on the other stations. I quickly checked on C95 and my latest favorite song was playing! Oh, I couldn't turn it off! I decided to just listen to this one song and that was it. It was so eye opening to see me come alive! I got all pumped up, excited, was singing in my car.....God has been so good to open my eyes and to pursue this broken, messed up human being. I can't believe He actually is.
This year hasn't been easy. But I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel. My world from MY perspective it's went from white to black and then back to white, when actually in real reality went from black to white. The hurt in our marriage turned my world to black when I found out about it, but then I got a brand spankin new husband! From the moment he repented, he hasn't been the same. Walking a clear non wavering, no doubt in my mind that he has changed! I didn't know I was actually living in black until God redeemed it, back to white. Having a spiritually strong and stable husband is all new to me! Having Joe step in places that I felt alone before is awesome, but at the same time, it's disorientating. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself! It's like I'm having to find myself all over again, in light of my new husband! It's a sweet way to loose yourself of course! I can't imagine if he hadn't come back home and walked away from us for good! What would I even look like then???!!!!!
All this shaking of my world has left me very confused and disorientated. Finding my way through the stages of grief, all the way up to now, where I am slowly allowing God to come back into my heart on very real terms. I am back to learning how to spoon feed myself simple worship songs. Learning to stop swearing at the lyrics and embracing the messages of hope and love.
My pastors wife, (AN AWESOME WOMAN!!) was here for coffee and I said, "I can't believe how this music fuels me!" Her answer was quick and pointed, "of course that makes sense! you are a worshiper, God has placed that in you, no wonder the other side feeds you like it does!" I miss dancing before God. Will I ever again? I miss my pretty white dress, will I be able to wear it for my daddy God? If you read this, please pray that I will have to courage and strength to contiune this fast as long as it takes for God to soften my heart, redeem and heal what's there.
Whatever about people judging me. You can think whatever you want when you read my blog. I find writing helps me sort things out and maybe, just maybe, it may help someone out there not to make all my flippin mistakes.
So my latest stupid thing came out this weekend. And i hate it. God told me something so ridiculous that I don't even know what to say or how to respond yet. For a while, I've been crying out to him, "where are you!!!!!!?, why aren't you helping me???? answering me??? speaking to me???? rescueing me?" He says to me, "cause you don't need me. You are your own saviour. You aren't in need of a saviour." I had some words with him. Somewhere this summer, I didn't feel safe with him any longer. I felt that he was not protecting me, and that he HADN"T protected me. If He was trustworthy, than he would have saved me BEFORE all the shit hit the fan. I was very very honest with him and poured out my hurt and abandonment to him and left it at that. I have never really experienced this in my walk with God before. Maybe I have, but not in such an obvious way. Somwhere in the last 6 months, I chose to no longer trust God and trust in myself. After all, I know me and can control the outcomes of life (or so I thought)
With my last post, I shared that I have blamed myself for alot of things and have also not forgiven myself for things I have done. So you mix those two things with being your own saviour......hmmmmm......things just keep getting worse.
I cried one night to Joe. The things pouring out of my heart were, "I feel like I'm dying a slow death. I feel like the more I try to find my life, i loose it (hmmm, sound familiar?)
I wake up everyday (in my mind) In a big hole! In a whole ton of debt. Someone needs to pay for the offense. I'm to blame for this that and the other thing. If you weren't ____ than ____ wouldn't have happened. Not to mention that if I would only loose the last BLASTED 10 pounds, than life would be grand! So I become the saviour. I am the only one that can be trusted to get myself out of this mess (or so I think)
I get up every day and get on the scale. It's confirmed, I'm in debt and work needs to be done. I go to the gym and kill many birds with one stone. In the moments of working out, I feel empowered, in control, safe in my own hands. I am able to push myself farther each time to prove to myself that I can am strong enough and don't need anyone else. I see myself get stronger each week which (for only those moments) increases a false security in this body that will one day turn to dust.
On deeper levels, I kick the shit out of myself, punish myself, hurt myself.....to pay for the deeds done. To pay for what "was my fault" What does keep me running that extra lap? Lifting those extra pounds? Knowing that I deserve the pain, and somewhere I've been whipping myself, thinking that eventually, the debt will be gone....but it never is.
Another level that working out touches is I get to 'run away' from life just for a while. I can get lost in a world of music, and concentrate on the pain infront of me. If my legs hurt, who the hell cares? I'd rather my legs burn like hell than my heart ache from real life)
Writing this out, I feel like vomitting. How does a person get so messed up? Or better yet, how in the heck does a person get OUT of this mess?
At the ladies retreat at church, I didn't sing a single word of a worship song. I sat there trying to find my way through a maze of emotions and confusion. With my feet resting on a chair across from me....I was staring at my shoes. Cause, who woulda guessed? I brought my workout garb to the ladies retreat, just incase I could fit in a workout......which I did. 80 flights of stairs and a shitload of wall squats made me feel happy for the moment. But later that night, when the workout is done and my heart is still hurting......and women are singing their hearts out to God....I'm sitting there....starring at my stupid shoes. The shoes that I live in. that I almost feel enchained to. The shoes that tell me what I need to do, how long I need to do it.
Somewhere inside, I know that God is good. And that I will make it through this, make things right, and be stronger than I ever was IN HIM.... I know I'm willing. well, most of the time.... :P Somewhere down the line, I will be helping others, speaking to them their VALUEABLE WORTH in God and how much they are loved, unconditionally. Because I will know, I will have walked it, wrestled it, and overcame it.......I know I will.....
These are the newest, grossest revelations that my God has given me. Apparently God hasn't given up on me yet.....is there hope for me? I .....hope.....so......
This healing journey never has dull moments. This last year, God has taken me all over the map.
From healing childhood memoires, to experiencing deep grief over life, to laughing with joy with my hubby-to crying a deep deep anguish with him too. Finding out all that's inside of me has been exciting, scary, painful, joyful, numbing,....etc.....
In Mexico, in the middle of our honeymoon, God opens up a door. A door that opened 4 hours of crying and pain. I am slowly entering this door. Courageously and most times scared shitless. Inside this door, I have found a few things that need to be cleaned out and sorted through. The first words that met me with a mountain wave of pain was, "IT WAS NOT MY FAULT" Saying it out loud was unbearable. To actually believe it---well, that has yet to come.
As I step one foot infront of the other into this room, I am met with other things. "I NEED TO FORGIVE MYSELF" Who knew? Until I stepped foot in this door, I thought I was resentful for other reasons, but as I squeemishly go inside, I'm seeing that I have a strong root of bitterness towards MYSELF! I am ENRAGED at times at myself! It comes out like a force as strong as a hurricane. Tapping into these deep feelings have been painful to say the least.
The two go hand in hand, and I don't know how God will sort this out. Blaming myself for what's happened in our marriage and pinning all my wrongs and faults to it is like mixing gasoline and fire. It's a recipe for self hatred, condemnation and self sabotage. It's like giving the devil a baseball bat and saying, "here, hit me with this"
Both God and Joe are lovingly speaking the truth that it wasn't my fault and that I NEED to forgive myself. I was young, I was immature, I was giving birth to baby after baby! My coping skills were narrowed down to big macs and a toilet bowl. My knowledge was limited to dropping out of highschool in order to raise a severely disabled child! Basic life skills were never modelled or taught to me. My relationship and marriage began in a foundation after DRUG REHAB loaded with truck loads of baggage! My resources were amazing and I know have been a huge reason as to why we are still together and a true God send!
(As a side note: People that struggle with, "Oh, I don't have a really cool testimony with drugs, sex and rock and roll....I wish I had cool stories of rescue...." DON'T EVER WISH ON YOURSELF IN A MILLION BILLION TRILLION YEARS! The pain is NOT worth the "cool stories" The consequences last you will into your life......and for those who are reading this that are dabbling in drugs, sex, and all that "FUN STUFF"....STOP!!!!!!! NOW!!!!! If I knew you, knew what you were doing, I'd slap you....and that is that.)
As we continue to root out piles of crap, I think that maybe, soon, we will see the bottom of the porcelain bowl. Hopefully, we aren't taking any new dumps into the already rawnchy smelling mound. Hopefully, God is in this crap somewhere. Digging around in it, sometimes doesn't really feel like He is, but somewhere, deep deep down inside, I know He is.......
