The way I process

My counselor, whom I love so so much OXOX She spent the morning with me yesterday. She isn't afraid of me crying, she knows I won't die. And if anything, she knows that if she can just get me crying, it will be for my own good.....hence what seemed like crying for so long that my eyes felt like baseballs and my sinuses jammed full of molasses.

Our sessions remind me of what it's like to jump off the 7.5 meter diving board at harry bailey. You know that you want to jump off at some point, but you're not sure when. At first you stand on the side of the pool, watching others jump off. Watching to see if they die, get hurt, scream, laugh.....the you might be brave enough to walk up the stairs, but with a friend, just incase you need to be humiliated and come back down again. You explain to your friend that if you chicken out, you make an agreement that the BOTH of you will come down the stairs together so that no one will know which on of you is the real chicken. After a few trips up and down the stairs, you decide it's safe enough to stand on the platform. But with your back FIRMLY against the wall. You can't even see off the edges. Slowly, you walk forward towards the edge, holding on the the railings, heart beating fast, the height of it is gripping you. When you finally get up enough courage to LOOK OVER the edge, you not only can see the ground, BUT TO THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL-which is ANOTHER 16 feet! I remember standing up there forEVER! looking, staring, thinking, fearing, trying to be brave, talking to myself, telling myself to be brave and just jump already! I must have counted to 3 a million times over without making the jump. I remember bending my knees, plugging my nose, but yet my feet not budging! I remember everyone in the pool was even starting to get frustrated. Complete strangers were yelling at me from the bottom, "JUMP ALREADY!" "COME ON!!!!" "JUMP!!!!!!"

You know, when I think about it, back in grade 6, when I made the big 7.5 meter jump, I can't actually remember what made me finally go. But I remember the fall. Very very clearly. It seemed like I fell forever. Screaming all the way down, I hit the water and panic rushed over me as it felt like I sank to the bottom of the pool. With no air left in my lungs from all the screaming and having to swim all the way up to the top of the water, I wasn't sure if I would make it. But I did. A sense of accomplishment was met as I was able to take the jump a few more times without it taking over an hour!

I feel like I have been walking up and down those stairs for a long time. Walking up to the platform and looking over the edge many many times. Yesterday, I feel like I jumped off the platform before it. the 5 meter. Gearing myself up to the BIG jump. I know I didn't officially do what really needs to be done, but I feel more and more ready to go there. I am able to actually look it in the eye a bit more. Maybe even speak to it. maybe even be brave enough to give it my voice, my feelings, my hurt.

Thank you my dear counselor who selflessly gives herself, her time to help heal someone who wants freedom. You are making a difference in my life, like you wouldn't believe. love you!