Today I was running. I've been running to this song for a while now and I loved it right from the first time I heard it. I really like the way Eminem expresses his feelings in this song. It's very raw and honest to the core. So for those of you who are offended by Eminem, this will probably offend you.
But since this is my blog, with my thoughts and my journey, something hit me today and I want to share it. Those that know me well, know my long uphill battle with my eating disorder. You will also know that 2.5 years ago, I stopped throwing up my food, thinking that I had ended my battle with bulimia. Not so....
Little did I know that my eating disorder would morph into new voices and eating patterns. It changed in the way it spoke to me and the way I worked out in the gym. Even though I wasn't throwing up my food, I was desperately purging calories in the gym and trying to restrict my food. It still consumed my thoughts, my life and alot of my actions.
Well, as of recently, a month and a half to be exact. I have relapsed. I am again throwing up my food. There, I said it. I am still an open person -- yea for me........(sarcastic voice)
So back to my run. As I was running to one of my new favorite Eminem songs, I realized that this song that he wrote to hip hop, I had those same thoughts towards my eating disorder, which I've called "Ed or Edith" I will share the lyrics with you and change the words to where it's meaningful to me. I am not going to edit out the swears, because they are a part of how I feel. So if you are offended by profanity, please don't read on. If you choose to read on, remember that this is my blog, my place to share my journey. Highlighted are the parts of the song that really hit home for me.
I don't think she understands
The sacrifices that I made
Maybe if this b itch had acted right
I would have stayed
But I've already wasted over half my life
I would have laid down and died for you
I longer cry for you
No more pain
b itch you took me for granted
Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt
I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it
Imma take control of this relationship
Command it
And I'm gonna be the boss of you now god dam it
And what I mean is that
I'm will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out
This much you owe me
I gave up my life for you
Totally devoted to you
Why I've stayed
Faithful all the way
This is how I fuc kin get repaid?
Look at how I dress
fuc kin baggy sweats (gym clothes, runners)
Go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you
I ain't heard you yet
Not even once say you appreciate me
I deserve respect
I've done my best to give you
Nothing less then perfectness
And I know that if I end this
I'll no longer have nothing left
But you keep treating me like a staircase
It's time to fuc kin step
And I wont be coming back
So don't hold your fuc kin breath
You know what you've done
No need to go in depth
I told you you'd be sorry
If I fuc kin left
I laughed while you wept
How's it feel now?
Yeah funny ain't it
You neglected me
Did me a favor
Let all my spirit free
You've said
Got a special place for you
In my heart
That I have kept
It's unfortunate but it's
Too late
For the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
I feel like
When I bend over backwards for you
All you do is laugh
Cuz that ain't good enough
You expect me to fold myself in half
Till I snap
Don't think I'm loyal
All I do is rap (workout, eat less, more....etc)
How can I moonlight on the side
I have no life outside of that
Don't I give you enough of my time?
You don't think so do you?
Jealous when I spend time with the girls
Why I'm married to you still
Man I don't know
But tonight I'm serving you with papers
I'm divorcing you
Go marry someone else
And make em famous
And take away their freedom
Like you did to me
Treat em like you don't need em
And they ain't worthy of you
Feed em
The same sh it hat you made me eat
I'm moving on
Forget you
Oh now I'm special
I didn't feel special when I was wit you
All I ever felt was this
Helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish b itch
Chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this
So many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this
But in my sickness
And addiction
Your addictive as they get
Evil as they come
Vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking me
Why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress
The drama
I'm drawn to @#!*%
So I guess I'm a mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abyss
Your screaming as I walk out
That I'll be missed
But when you spoke of people
Who meant the most to you
You left me off your list
f uck you hip hop (Edith)
I'm leaving you
My life sentence is served b itch
And it's just
Too late
For the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
3 comments:
Sometimes we need to get angry, especially at something that has so controlled you. I'm angry with you because I see so much in you and for anything to rob you of the joy and victory that are yours is so wrong. Sorry it has and continues to be a battle for you. My heart cries with you for you to overcome. Keep fighting it, or surrendering it which is fighting too and know that you are pure, beautiful and victorious. That is how God sees you NOW- perfected.
Wow honey.
sorry it's been so hard on you. i'm paying for u and think of u no matter how u seal with it u always end up inspiring me! So yues I said it.. u r an inspiration!! u actually rock on gurl!!
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