kinda grumpy, kinda not, kinda...don't know what!

I am sick of blogging, but not really. i want to go out with friends, but kinda not.
I am excited for christmas, but totally not.
I am totally confused, but sometimes think i have it all together
I care what people think of me. i could give two shits what people are thinking....

I am angry, sad, happy, confused, depressed, excited, numb, annoyed, hyper, all at the same time. I don't really know what else to say. I feel like people think i should just move on. talk about seomthing else. "it's been a whole month you know!...." I wonder what's really in people's hearts. there's this girl at homecare, she took care of Caleb for about 2 years on and off. she's apparently going around homecare saying that "I knew Caleb was sick....I tried to tell her, but I guess she didn't listen to me"........What is her problem anyway, how could she be so shallow? that she would stick such a blame on me to make herself feel better?

I really should n't care....but i do. i wonder how many people think i could have done better, paid more attention.....

Yesterday, today....and forever...Our God never changes

Wow, what up and down days! one day, I feel great, like right now! My house is somewhat in order (more than 2 rooms clean at a time) I am drinking a morning cup of coffee...which is the first time since Caleb. Tastes good! I BOUGHT A WHITE CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!! comes complete with 700 prewired lights! If you know me well, don't fall down....but they are white lights...not rainbow....>GASP!!
I'm ready for change today, ready for God, ready to make room....
Yesterday was another story...

Yesterday morning, I got a call from Sask Abilities council. They said that they had a truck in the area and were on their way to pick up our wheelchair lift in our backyard! I was not prepared for them to take that so soon. In our backyard we have a lift to get Caleb in and out of the house. It was a huge thing...it was so part of Caleb and part of our lives. If that thing ever broke down....we were stuck. Our backyard looks so empty now.....I'm keeping the back blinds closed for now. I don't want to face that today.....I was so sad yesterday.....getting sad writing about this....

Well, without any furthur details on my horrible day yesterday...that was yesterday.
Today is today. I want to put up my tree asap. The kids and I are going to the library. I want to feel normal today. I pray by God's help, that the pain will be replaced by his joy just for today....

I'm getting so big! my belly is sure popping out now. Baby moves so much. I love that. I love being pregnant. I thank God that He has given me the gift of bearing many children.
My kids are so great. Noah is being "noah" these days. (which to those who don't know, that means, bouncy, spinny and unattentive...all backup with a great heart and good intentions) I've had a lot of compassion for him lately. He tries so hard. He has such a good heart. He is such a servant to this family.




We have bugs. We are feeling better, but still contagious. Hopefully, the flu will not show it's ugly face in anyone else. it's been through me, isaiah and faith. if you feel the urge to pray, please do for our health.
blessings all.

every journey is beautifully different

God made us in His image...but with never ending creative possibilities!!
In my family's journey of greif, it's very interesting to see how one of us is here and the other is there. but we are still together walking it together. People have been forever telling us that that everyone is different and nothing is wrong. Very very good advice. People try to "make themselves "feel" what we MAY be feeling"....but there's too many variables to really try to relate. People in love and compassion are trying so hard to figure out what we are thinking, feeling, going through....
but they never had a handicapped child.
they didn't get married in highschool.
they didn't have 3 other kids besides the handicapped child
they weren't pregnant with one child at the same time as losing another
and God made us totally different....so even if the same thing happened to them....they would go through it differently.
I'm okay with all this. I know that people don't understand, and that's okay. I am blessed to have Joe, the kids, my parents, nin and chris to go through this with.

Please please don't hear me wrong....all my other friends, I TOTALLY APPRECIATE THEM. I know they love me and they are there. I couldn't do this without them. I think I'm just coming to the realization that my journey is MY journey. It's different than joe's, different than nin's, my kids.....we are all grieving differently.
I am at a place where I am JUST OK with where I'm at and who I am in this time.

Does this all make sense, probably not. My mind is very mushy these days.
thanks to all my blogger friends for walking this with me. all your comments mean alot to me and God uses alot of them to speak to me.

Peace

i hope caleb is eating cake and icecream!

Up before everyone else. The toilet called me, since last night, I ate Saskatoon Asian food and my buiscuits are burnin. my friend is coming to take me out for breakfast. I'm looking forward to it. Since Caleb has been in hospital, I once again have fallen off the food wagon. I'm sure alot of you are thinking that it's not important right now to worry about that. But in my case, eating for emotional comfort and using food as a drug is very distructive. I know that it will only make things worse. I still feel called to walk in all circumstances. During the crisis of it all, I didn't worry about it. But I just feel a little nudge to take care of me.

This week has been up and down. Monday and Tuesday were brutal. I thought I was going to go into depression...which scared me, cause I've been there and it's not fun. But I'm pressing through, trying to think of all the good things about this. Walking with the Lord and with Joe. It's hard when he's at work.

I've had several moments this week where i've wanted to just sit and cry, there were a couple of times that I decided I was just going to sit in Caleb's room and cry for a while. Of course, Faith had to join me, sit on my lap and kiss me through it all. But I always find that when I just want to sit and cry and grieve, life goes on and calls me all too quickly. THe phone rings. The doorbell goes, the kids need something. Time to go somewhere........better dry those tears and carry on.....
There is such a hole in my heart where Caleb was. Such an emptiness....I miss him.....

I can't really think of what else to say
Joe is amazing! We had our `10th anniversary on the 9th of november. we knew it would be a different year, but had no idea it would be this for our family. Something that i've already shared with him is that I'm so glad that we are foundationally at a place to "just BE" with eachother. no more striving, trying to talk, trying to be close....we just are. It flows naturally. we are just so much in love. I thank God for this, he is really carrying us through.
God is still good, he is still just and he is still worthy to be worshipped.
I feel that with all my being
signing off

update

today was our "first" day trying to be back to normal....whatever that means.
Joe went back to work. I tried to have my routine. This is harder than I thought. I have so many feelings, so many thoughts. they are all over the place. I'm afraid that I may go into depression, i'm jsut so sad. I just can't seem to see past what happened. I don't have TIME to get depressed. I can't afford to get depressed. I don't even know the difference between depression and grief.
My kids want life to go on. I don't want to go on without Caleb. It just seems wrong.

Today, I didn't have to be home by 4 pm for Caleb to get off the bus. Today, I didn't have to get up super early to put him on the bus.......but I WANTED TO BE. I want to do all the things that I would complain about. like bathing him, lifting him, feeding him, changing him, even suctioning him. I just can't believe that none of us on earth will ever see him again.

we only have one chance....one shot. you never know when that time is up.
signing off.