today was our "first" day trying to be back to normal....whatever that means.
Joe went back to work. I tried to have my routine. This is harder than I thought. I have so many feelings, so many thoughts. they are all over the place. I'm afraid that I may go into depression, i'm jsut so sad. I just can't seem to see past what happened. I don't have TIME to get depressed. I can't afford to get depressed. I don't even know the difference between depression and grief.
My kids want life to go on. I don't want to go on without Caleb. It just seems wrong.
Today, I didn't have to be home by 4 pm for Caleb to get off the bus. Today, I didn't have to get up super early to put him on the bus.......but I WANTED TO BE. I want to do all the things that I would complain about. like bathing him, lifting him, feeding him, changing him, even suctioning him. I just can't believe that none of us on earth will ever see him again.
we only have one chance....one shot. you never know when that time is up.
signing off.
14 comments:
Giving you a super big squishy hug!! Thinking of you.
Although you can't see Caleb he is with you in spirit. You're an inspiration to many with your strength and dedication to God. Remember that God only gives what we can handle.
I hope you don't spiral into a depression. Just remember grieving is normal and take as long as you need to grieve!
Awww Sarah...my heart aches for you. You will see Caleb again...he is only gone for a while.
I will not even go there and say that I know how you feel, cause I don't. But like Jenny said, give yourself that time to grieve. Its going to take a while, and there are so many stages to it that we have to work through at our own pace. You're going to be alright. You have an amazing family to support you, an amazing church...and God, He is always there for you. He can take whatever you want to dish out, so don't hold back. He understands your tears, your anger...He too lost a son.
We're all praying for you and your family. Keep looking up my dear, you'll get through this....things will never be the same, but you'll be alright...just give it time.
I have been thinking of you...your family is still in my prayers.
my sister passed away 3 months ago. she was one of my best friends. i still talk to her all the time. i ask God to tell her what I want her to know. i imagine what she would say to me with her new heavenly health and new body. i see her so happy dancing with Jesus. i know that losing your child is different then losing your sister. but do what you have to do to get through this. rejoice that he's in heaven, or be mad that he's gone, or be sad, or be hurt, talk to Caleb, it's ok to go through it all... God understands and there are tons of people that are going to pray you through this. you WILL be ok!! may God carry you! i send my love and prayers to you!!
p.s. thanks for caleb's verse on Crystal's blog!! hugs!!
Oh Sarah....my heart just aches for you! Believe me when I tell you that what you are feeling is normal, don't try making it something else......I know depression and this is not it! You are grieving......you are still Caleb's mother, it takes time to be ok with the changes your life has been thrown into...cling to God! HE will be your comfort and strength....I love ya and you know I am here if you ever need to talk! I am praying for you right now!
God will continue to hold you...you may not feel it, but He's doing it right now. Holding you & Caleb at the same time.
I have lived through grief, but I don't know yours. I understand the loss of a child, but only you were mom to Caleb. We can't know what you are feeling, but we can feel for you, and we can walk with you through this, my sister.
Hey there Carebear. You are normal. Losing your firstborn is not an everyday event. Grief feels like depression, everything loses its flavour, colours are not as bright and sometimes they are too bright. I have so much in my heart to say, but can't quite do it. Know this. Your grief is your own. It will not look like Joe's, your mom's, Nin's, or anyones'. God knows you and He alone knows exaclty what you are going through. Just be in Him. Just take it one minute at a time. Cry when you have to because if we don't cry now, we will cry later. I love you my sweet Sarah. There are no expectations on you to get back to the way you were. You will never be who you were, you will only be the person who is being formed out of the life you are walking.
am here for you...
for whatever, whenever...
never saw this coming when I would dream and hope for your future.
people keep telling me that even though this is never something anyone expects to happen, we all still probably knew in the back of our minds that this day was coming.....
I didn't.
None of us did.
I love you.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
I'm so sorry that you are going through this time of sorrow and loss. I don't really know you, or your family - but when I look at pictures of Caleb, I just imagine how happy he is now in Heaven. He'll have lots of company there, including the little baby that we lost a year ago. You are in my prayers, and I'll be thinking of you.
my heart is aching for you right now, ever since i read your post this morning. don't know what to say, it's already all been said. all i know is that we're part of the same body, and when one part is hurting, we all hurt.
love you
Wow!I was snooping Mooses site to find out about blogs and somehow hit your husbands and yours.I guess I was really supposed to be here for you guys somehow.I left a lengthy message for him to if you want to ask him to see it.But my heart wants to talk to you too.I was touched at the service to see the amazing church family and the fact that they really did pull together for you and your family.I met you and Caleb at church through Moose my second time at your church was to support Moose as he cares so deeply for you guys and of course I also came for your family as well as Caleb.We talked of how hard it would be for you guys.I felt as a mom I could see this would be extremely hard.Most would see it as you should be relieved of the extra work and struggles and life would become easier.However just from the impression I got from the service and the beauty of it and love that went into it that wouldn't be the case.I told Moose that the extra bond from the extra caring and time and love spent would make things tougher not easier.For that reason alone I pray for you guys.You seem to have such an awsome support group with a very strong family unit as well as church family.Use them if you need them.I have lost my father not a child,but I learned that I needed to look out for me so I could also be strong enough to help the others..I know as a mom we feel compelled to be there for everyone else before ourselves,but please don't forget to take care of you too.I'm sure Caleb is smiling down on you guys.Even with dad its bin almost 3 years...somedays are ok but some still hurt like it was yesturday...but it does get bearable eventually so hang in their.Don't be scared to remember...thats what keeps them with us until we can be with them again in heaven.May God keep you love you and hold you tightly in his arms.God bless you all.You are in my prayers,Darcy
Sarah...I've been away from the computer lately and finally made my way to Lani's site and read about Caleb. I can't even find the words to say...I just want to hug you and be there somehow. But...the miles between us are many. So, the best I can do from here is to cover you and your family with prayer. And I will Sarah. Faithfully.
Grief and depression can zap the strength out of the strongest Christian. Stay in the life-giving Word and allow the Lord to restore your strength little by little...in His time. I know I'm telling you what you already know. I just wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better...to bear this burden with you. {{{Hugs}}} to you sweet sister.
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