All my kids look alike!

This one isn't a very good one of Elishah, but, we need to take more pics of her. This doesn't really capture what she looks like, but it's all I had for now.
This is Isaiah as a baby. This is exactly what Elishah looks like! I can't believe how they are twins
When Elishah is sleeping, she looks like this. But this is Isaiah. the only difference is that she had dark hair and Elishah has blonde hair
Isaiah and Caleb.
Caleb looks alot like the two girls. He had a funky hairdo from the nicu, and becuase he couldn't see that well, it's hard to compare cause the girls were able to see clearly, and hold up their heads and stuff. But Caleb is very much the same as the girls
This face captures Elishah's face at times. this is caleb
Caleb's little smirk. you can tell that the girls have his mouth! such a cute little mouth
i love this pic! it's a little caleb...but it's elishah
Elishah

Elishah.....

Noah and Isaiah, you really honestly can't even tell them apart....ill post those pics next time.

missing caleb

I miss my son today. I miss his smile, his scream, his little stinky hands.
I am sad that he hasn't met little Elishah. I am sad that they haven't shared any moments together.
As I looked through all the pictures of Caleb (the slide show that we showed at his funeral) I wept and wept, just to spend one more moment with him. just to jiggle him once more, one more cuddle, smell his stinky sewer breath....(family members would know what I'm talking about ;))
When Caleb was a baby, he was so happy, and loud. It brought back the feelings of that season. the love, the joy, the uniquness of loving caleb....I was filled with so much grief, sadness. just wanting him here, so that we could share our lives together, so he could be with us, part of our family.....
but honestly, as i got to the end of the slide show, I realized that Caleb needed to go home. The slide show was arranged in order from birth to 9 years. So I could see him get more and more tired. The pictures of him at the last few christmas's, he was so tired and almost sad. It was interesting to see how my heart went from sadness and pain and really wishing he were here...to having a peace that it really was his time and it was what was best for him. My tears kept coming, but changed the reason they were flowing.

from missing him, to being thankful. I could see the pain in his eyes, on his face.
I still miss him of course, but God reassured me that it was his time.

these are my thoughts today.

Caleb's van

Me and my little Elishah...she changes everyday right before our eyes. Eats ALL THE TIME! I'm glad to say that in the last couple of days, she's been quite content....as long as she has a boobie close by!!! We were diagnosed with thrush on Sunday which didn't help with her fussiness. She's looking around more, taking in the world around her.
I feel a little better. Joe and I did up a rough schedule, which is helping me cope.
People keep telling me that "it WILL get better..." And it is, slowly. everyday is alittle better.

Update on Caleb:
I went shopping on Saturday with Elishah at Superstore. As I was walking into the store, I saw a silver 2006 dogde caravan in a handicapped spot. A mom wheeled out her disabled child on a ramp. I was in shock, but had to know.
"exuse me.....when did you get your van??"
"December" she said.
We stood there silent for a moment. I didn't know what to say...knowing that this was Caleb's van! She actually started to cry! I started to cry and out of the entrance to the store, here I was hugging this total stranger, both of us crying....
It was very very hard to see this van. The last time I saw inside, it was mine! It was Caleb's gift to us.....
for those of you that don't know what I'm talking about. Click here to see pictures of the 20,000$ check presentation as well as the van in Oct before Caleb passed away.
Just so you know, the kinsmen phoned us in December to tell us that they had found a new family to give the van to.

It was healing as well. To physically meet the little girl and mom that got the van. It was nice to share that moment of grief with her. She was very sympathetic. Her little girl is on billboards right now if you keep you eye open for them. Telemiracle is advertising right now and the little girl that got Caleb's van, her name is Kaylie. The billboard reads, "kaylie's miracle....mobility"

Thanks to all who follow me on my journey! All of you really have no idea what you mean to me. Even though "blogland" seems unpersonal, I find I have come to really appreciate all of you. Even those that "pop up" and say that they've been reading my blog for a while. It's so encouraging to me. Thank you so much.....

Baby blues.....emotions.....post partum.....help!

My emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm so happy and the next, I'm overwhelmed and want to cry. I'm pretty good at knowing my hormones and letting Joe know how I'm doing. I give him the head's up when I'm feeling unstable. I say, "Joe, I'm probably going to cry for no reason today...." and I'm usually right. I have my cry and I go on. It's part of being an woman.

But I've been struggling since the baby. Joe says that my good days are more and my sad days are getting less, but I miss myself. The lack of sleep isn't helping. Elishah eats every 2 hours in the day and 3 at night. I've never had a baby eat so much. So when I DO have energy, I have to sit and feed and not get anything done around the house.

I'm really wrestling with stupid thoughts too. I feel like I'm not a good parent. Since Elishah, I've been so tired that I haven't spent any real quality time with the others. I feel real bad for that. They aren't doing school (even though I knew that they wouldn't be before baby came) I still feel yucky. I like order in my home. stucture. a plan, a schedule. All of us to so much better with order. Now the kids don't know what to do with their time, so they tend to get into more trouble. they make more messes and clean up less since there's no routine.

Today, I got up feeling positive. I want to have a good day. Of course that's what I want everyday. Caleb is always in the back of my heart and mind. This grieving thing is hard. especially when your running around with your head cut off.

I've come along way over the years with making sure that my emotions don't run my life. cause they certainly used to. Feelings always change and that's why you need to stand on facts in these times....I'm trying to find a balance between:
Recongnizing the feelings and what my body is doing and rolling with the punches of post partum
and commanding my soul to submit to what I tell it. Which is to walk in the fruit of the spirit.
I know that thankfulness is a choice
joy is a choice
respect is a choice
to follow God is a choice....
Please pray for me that I can level out and get back on my feet.
If any of you have some victorious baby blues stories, please share them. (where you had baby blues and came out of it alive!! lol)

go and see pics at my hubby's blog!

what a road.
what a journey
It's hard to believe where we've been in the last year.....

Now that the last "huge event" has passed, Joe and I have finally taken our first deep breath....
Today we've realized more than ever how much we need a break, a breather, a time to rest, a time to process, and time to be together....

After Caleb passed away, we still needed to
- get ready for a baby
-we still needed to finish the basement
-we still needed to catch up on our school work in our homeschool
-Joe still needed to go to a highly stressful job and come home to more chores.

Yesterday was 4 months since Caleb's death. And instead of being "almost done" our grieving, we find we now have some breathing room to begin. More so Joe than I. It must be hard being a man. A godly man. Joe has been more than enough for our family, providing for us, supporting us.....

Elishah is amazing. The family God has blessed me with is so amazing. Last night, I set the table for 5 people. Joe, me, Noah, Isaiah and Faith. I realized that in just a few months, Elishah will be joining us as well. I was filled with joy and thankfulness at the beauty of my family and then a second later, filled with sadness that my first born is not here to grow with us, to eat with us...
Elishah is such a bitter sweet. Mostly sweet of course.
Do you all know how she came to be???

Yes, I know....sex, that's how most of them come to be.... LOL

But A night in June 2006, Joe was already sleeping. God asked me to trust him and be with Joe. Of course, we weren't planning any children at the time, we weren't "trying" at the time and taking the necessary precautions to prevent children. But God said to me, "trust me"
TRUST ME, Do this without fear.
I wrestled with God for a good 10 minutes while Joe snored away. Bringing myself to a place of peace, I woke Joe up to be with him. He was a little shocked when I told him no protection, but I explained to him that it was a "God thing".
I cried after, knowing that I had been given life. Not out of fear, but joy and anticipation.

We found out we were pregnant so early, because of course, I already knew. I wasn't surprised.
My thoughts:
"5 kids.....wow. Thank you God." Joe and I embraced Elishah's pregnancy with much joy, knowing that God would be faithful.
Now that the year has unfolded. When little Elishah was 5 months old in my womb, My oldest son went to heaven. I held on to Caleb's hand as he died and felt life within my womb at the same time. Our God is to big and great for words. His ways are too lofty for us to understand. When I think that God planned Elishah to come for such a time as this, I am in awe at who He is.

These are my thoughts today.
Quote for the day:
Joy comes out of the abundance of a thankful heart