Going away

On Monday, I was so sick of the computer that I did what any sanguine would do....I got rid of everything I could.
I don't desire to privatize my blog. Never did. But I will say that I'm taking a break from the internet for a while.
My facebook account has been deactivated as well for a while. I don't know how long, but I need to remove these distractions from my life for a time. I don't think it's wise to wrestle my raw thoughts out in public either. I think some cover would do me some good.

anywho.....thanks for reading, I'll be back, just don't know when.

Carebear

thoughts

With a MILLION things circling my head. Where do I start?

First off, the place I'm at is I don't trust anybody. I don't like being here. I've taken a few steps back in this area. I feel like 'who could I trust?' Wondering if people are the real deal. And considering that we are all humans, we don't even know what the real deal is anyway, so it's impossible to be the real deal. Our self deception is so sick and creepy that we don't even know the messes were in!

We were in life group last night, it was nice and freeing to be as real as I could. Which was just what I said. I figure that I might as well just call things as they are, instead of decieving myself too. Which I probably am. How will I move forward if I won't acknowledge what's there to deal with. I think before my spiritual pride would keep me from this. Afraid to share what I was really thinking, in fear that someone would think that I'm weak, or not growing, moving up the "maturity ladder"

Not interested in any sort of ladder at this point. Just wanting real peace, real life and real relationships. Although the relationship part will be hard to get to since I won't let anyone in. It's much safer in a closed cell. It seems to me, my experience anyway, that whenever I draw conclusions, it turns out I'm WAY off!

Thanks to L for being around, there in the backgroud. I love you and am so glad you;'re in my life.

More church questions...more like LIFE questions

Yes, these days I am for surely questioning alot of things. Things have happened in my life to shake my foundation, and to challenge where I truly stand. My eyes are being opened to how blind I am and have been. The last thing I want to do is bash my church family in all this.

Yes, I am questioning "why we do church" but my heart loves my church family so so so much. I'm in a place in my life where I need a lot of healing. And I am one of those "hurting people". I say it in quotations like that because 2 years ago, that's how I would have labeled myself. 2 years ago, I was in a bubble of self deception and religious pride. I was comfortable in my little "safe place" of knowing everything. Of being "mature" of "moving up the church ladder" I was asked to become a care group leader!! Having a marriage of 11-12 years and going through a death of a child and still coming out the other side declaring that God is faithful and good. I had all my kidlets lined up in a homeschooling row. I had people tell me that I was an inspiration and that I was growing into a beautiful christian woman. Maybe I was....I'm not so sure.

Then my world crashed and everything changed. Everything to it's very core was and is still being shaken. My core values, my core beliefs, are all being challenged now. So my bubble no longer exists. My pride was broken and my self deception was exposed for me to see. Honestly, when I look back at the repentance I walked through, it was incredibly refreshing to weep through the disgusting mess I had made of my life. I felt so much mercy and grace when I asked for forgiveness. I never want to be that woman again.

As of now, I won't give up on my church family. I have nothing against them as people. I have just been wondering the purpose and pondering the fruit. My sister left me a comment about a life group we were in. I totally echo her heart and thoughts on it. This care group was true love, community and friendship. There was a mutual desire to be together, to fellowship, eat and play with the millions of kids we all had. One of us became a widow in the midst of it all and I know that we were the church to her. And she was to us. And honestly, she still is.
Even tho she doesn't come to our church anymore, she was the one that came over and put my drunk self to bed after Joe left me last fall. She was there, with no judgment, and listened as I slurred out my words of pain and abandonment. She didn't mind carrying me to bed and tucking me in. Although I had to deal with the hangover on my own!! LOL

This is church. I won't stop going, I love my family. even tho I am wrestling, I will trust that God will guide and lead me through these questions.
But please, let's keep talking about it, I have been appreciating your thoughts on this. Thank you for sharing your heart in my last comment box!!! We are in this together, this journey called life.

Why church?

I'm sitting here on a Saturday night.....
Knowing that church is in the morning.

Why do I go?
What's the purpose?
Is it safe? To heal? to be real? to allow God to work in me without the walls I've built?

Rene's post has complimented my thoughts about the "format' of it all.

Also, I've been holding onto stuff that I'm afraid to share, but am so sick of fear of people's opinions at this moment that I'm just going to say it!!

I went dancing! In a bar! And, I had 3 drinks! there.....I said it. Isn't it stupid that I am afraid of judgement? afraid that people will look "down" on me because those things are "bad"?

Go ahead, make my comment box a place to talk about this....cause at this point....I want to pretend I was never "saved"-start over-so that I can get to know God for real. The REAL God. Not the God that religion has painted.....

Sarah.....writes poetry??

Pain pain, go away
come again another day
and put you off for one more day
you will only be twice as gray

But I can feel you inside my soul
in a bubbling, pushing, stiiring role
wanting out, and wanting free
but you can't seem to get past me

Self protection, self reliance
I stand walled up in defiance
hoping you'll just go away
never come again any other day

But deep down I know
you'll stay inside
until I face this ugly ride

Do I have faith, do I have courage
to stand and even jump off this ledge
and into what? Where would I fall?
I only feel 3 inches tall

Heck I'm writing poetry?!
I guess I'm desperate to be free
Trying something new
to ease my pain
anything to clean this stain

I can see a small glimpse of why this pain
so many others need His name
if God can redeem this awful stain
then walk with others
and together regain

what has been ripped from our hands
our souls, our hearts
and it feels like all our body parts
have been blown to bits
without a care
but God is here and has always been there

So God, if your listening
I need to face this pain somehow
but there's no way I can do it on my own
is this where your glory is shown????

Only time will tell

found some old pics of me