Yes, these days I am for surely questioning alot of things. Things have happened in my life to shake my foundation, and to challenge where I truly stand. My eyes are being opened to how blind I am and have been. The last thing I want to do is bash my church family in all this.
Yes, I am questioning "why we do church" but my heart loves my church family so so so much. I'm in a place in my life where I need a lot of healing. And I am one of those "hurting people". I say it in quotations like that because 2 years ago, that's how I would have labeled myself. 2 years ago, I was in a bubble of self deception and religious pride. I was comfortable in my little "safe place" of knowing everything. Of being "mature" of "moving up the church ladder" I was asked to become a care group leader!! Having a marriage of 11-12 years and going through a death of a child and still coming out the other side declaring that God is faithful and good. I had all my kidlets lined up in a homeschooling row. I had people tell me that I was an inspiration and that I was growing into a beautiful christian woman. Maybe I was....I'm not so sure.
Then my world crashed and everything changed. Everything to it's very core was and is still being shaken. My core values, my core beliefs, are all being challenged now. So my bubble no longer exists. My pride was broken and my self deception was exposed for me to see. Honestly, when I look back at the repentance I walked through, it was incredibly refreshing to weep through the disgusting mess I had made of my life. I felt so much mercy and grace when I asked for forgiveness. I never want to be that woman again.
As of now, I won't give up on my church family. I have nothing against them as people. I have just been wondering the purpose and pondering the fruit. My sister left me a comment about a life group we were in. I totally echo her heart and thoughts on it. This care group was true love, community and friendship. There was a mutual desire to be together, to fellowship, eat and play with the millions of kids we all had. One of us became a widow in the midst of it all and I know that we were the church to her. And she was to us. And honestly, she still is.
Even tho she doesn't come to our church anymore, she was the one that came over and put my drunk self to bed after Joe left me last fall. She was there, with no judgment, and listened as I slurred out my words of pain and abandonment. She didn't mind carrying me to bed and tucking me in. Although I had to deal with the hangover on my own!! LOL
This is church. I won't stop going, I love my family. even tho I am wrestling, I will trust that God will guide and lead me through these questions.
But please, let's keep talking about it, I have been appreciating your thoughts on this. Thank you for sharing your heart in my last comment box!!! We are in this together, this journey called life.
9 comments:
sarah... thanks for being honest and open and real.... i welcome it and am not shocked or freaked out by you doing "BAD" things.
i don't have any answers for you. I know, for myself - I've often perceived God through people and have made them JESUS for me. Like, there have been times where I've really questioned how I view our pastor - and asked myself, "If he were gone, would I still want to come?" And that's when I realize that I've put way too much stock into the people at church.
We love you and need you at Hope. We are imperfect. We all make mistakes ....and the church is about fellowship, encouraging one another, developing leaders. but the church is only one part of the equation. God is the most important part! I'm not saying that I even know Him like I should, but I KNOW that He is to be feared and loved and treasured and yelled at (yes, yell!! I'm learning about being angry at God!)
Anyways, hope this makes sense. Kind of a ramble... but the basic thought I have is - that church is a small part of it.... and God is the most important part of it.
I left my appropriate comments for this on your previous post. I don't think I have much more to say then yeah - that. Keep going, life is tough but there are some nice things in it too.
so which one were you? just a guy?
You already know that we are not "attenders". To us church is a verb, not a place or a meeting and although you can define the church as the people, there has been so much pollution towards fakeness, religiosity, performance... We have been on a tough journey of being on the "outside", but the richest part of that is learning to love God with our all and truly look to Him and to love others, really love others, not just say niceties a couple of times a week. (we sure haven't figured it all out and will spend our lives learning the love thing, but have craved the realness of the world, over Christiosity- which so often has little to do with Christ and much too much to do with appearances).
thanks for your thought andrew. i just read them now. i like how you said it all
Hey Sarah, I get your thoughts and I want that same community that you are talking about with D&H care group. I really get some of those things you are talking about.
Dear Sister... I am totally there with you. As sad as that may sound, it truly isn't. Someone once told me that being stripped of your false foundation is better than living on a false foundation. Because then God can take you where he really wants you to be. Closer to Him. Wrapped tightly in His loving arms.
Take this journey, as a journey. Discover for yourself what you need to. And don't feel guilty about it because you have nothing to feel bad for.
Peace ` Ranya
Hey girl I think you just reached maturity.. love this one you are being real. I love it when you are real. I love it when people are real.
thanks for sharing
Hey girl why would I be mad at you for making all those comments thanks I appreciate it..
Keep being real and who cares about Judgment. freaken heck only Jesus can do that but he is to busy hugging us and loving us for us..
blessings
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