With a MILLION things circling my head. Where do I start?
First off, the place I'm at is I don't trust anybody. I don't like being here. I've taken a few steps back in this area. I feel like 'who could I trust?' Wondering if people are the real deal. And considering that we are all humans, we don't even know what the real deal is anyway, so it's impossible to be the real deal. Our self deception is so sick and creepy that we don't even know the messes were in!
We were in life group last night, it was nice and freeing to be as real as I could. Which was just what I said. I figure that I might as well just call things as they are, instead of decieving myself too. Which I probably am. How will I move forward if I won't acknowledge what's there to deal with. I think before my spiritual pride would keep me from this. Afraid to share what I was really thinking, in fear that someone would think that I'm weak, or not growing, moving up the "maturity ladder"
Not interested in any sort of ladder at this point. Just wanting real peace, real life and real relationships. Although the relationship part will be hard to get to since I won't let anyone in. It's much safer in a closed cell. It seems to me, my experience anyway, that whenever I draw conclusions, it turns out I'm WAY off!
Thanks to L for being around, there in the backgroud. I love you and am so glad you;'re in my life.
8 comments:
Wow that is one condensed little package of thoughts and info! Spiritual ladder, eh?...yah I haven't found a solution to that mindset yet either...
And another thought, I think your revelation about not trusting virtually anyone right now is huge. I'm sure most, if not all of us, struggle with that but never have the ability to actually nail it down and speak it out loud like you just did. How much do you think this is related to your questions about "why we do church"? If we say we can only trust God and not the people around us, it makes it a lot easier to stick only with God and not meet with other believers who struggle just as much as we do.
Real and authentic relationships are what I long for. I am thankful for the few that I have in my life.
Thinking of you Sarah.
Hugs
We are a messed up bunch of people aren't we. I'm glad we are in the same family and going along this crazy path together. Thanks for your organizing work for the Boogie.
Crap I say not what you wrote I just here this and wish I could be with you hanging out and being real together. girl I knew you had it in you. This is the person I longed to know when I was there.
but at the same time I say you my friend are real. and I like this and at least I can read about it.
Trust is a hard thing. It takes time is all I can say. time and time.. We learn through time who we can really trust and who truly is going to be there even through the ugliness. but for me I think the ugliness is so beautiful oh my Gosh so beautiful cause it is realism.
Which is where it is at. I think we suck in the aspects of friends and the church in that sort of thing. we say we will be there we say we are loving and excepting but are we judgmental in the realness.
We need to break free from that.. Look at david that is what I say to all look at him frick he danced naked in the streets how real is that. he has done so many nasty things but in his realness God was proud of him.
I work in addiction as a counselor and I love when things look ugly as that is when the walls come down and I see the realness of the ones I work with. put love in front of all things what does that look like. hmm do we really understand that as the church or do we have a idea of how we should all look and try to fit everyone in that box. Hey if you ever want to come out for a visit I am here if you ever want to call I am here. love ya always have and I am so glad to see you walk out the truth of where you are at keep it real girl
hey care bear
I think most of us have child like faith, if God says jump, I say how high.
You seem to think through things differently, digging deeper through harder issues.
Like in the Boogie, it didnt matter what race we were on, weather we walked ran or crawled across the finish line. It didnt matter how much water you needed, how many bandages you required, it only mattered if you crossed the finish line.
Our life with God requires faith and enduring through the journey it is all about finishing the journey, we need to be ready cause we do not know the time in which we will leave this earth. Keep having faith and keep walking and running towards JESUS.
thanks girl
Hi Sweetie, Are you ever a work of art. You are being torn only to be rebuilt, inprisoned only to be freed, crippled only to be healed, dieing only to live, so that the Lord is glorified in you. I stand amazed as ever. Nelda
The words to "Trading My Sorrows" is in my head.
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