The way I process

My counselor, whom I love so so much OXOX She spent the morning with me yesterday. She isn't afraid of me crying, she knows I won't die. And if anything, she knows that if she can just get me crying, it will be for my own good.....hence what seemed like crying for so long that my eyes felt like baseballs and my sinuses jammed full of molasses.

Our sessions remind me of what it's like to jump off the 7.5 meter diving board at harry bailey. You know that you want to jump off at some point, but you're not sure when. At first you stand on the side of the pool, watching others jump off. Watching to see if they die, get hurt, scream, laugh.....the you might be brave enough to walk up the stairs, but with a friend, just incase you need to be humiliated and come back down again. You explain to your friend that if you chicken out, you make an agreement that the BOTH of you will come down the stairs together so that no one will know which on of you is the real chicken. After a few trips up and down the stairs, you decide it's safe enough to stand on the platform. But with your back FIRMLY against the wall. You can't even see off the edges. Slowly, you walk forward towards the edge, holding on the the railings, heart beating fast, the height of it is gripping you. When you finally get up enough courage to LOOK OVER the edge, you not only can see the ground, BUT TO THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL-which is ANOTHER 16 feet! I remember standing up there forEVER! looking, staring, thinking, fearing, trying to be brave, talking to myself, telling myself to be brave and just jump already! I must have counted to 3 a million times over without making the jump. I remember bending my knees, plugging my nose, but yet my feet not budging! I remember everyone in the pool was even starting to get frustrated. Complete strangers were yelling at me from the bottom, "JUMP ALREADY!" "COME ON!!!!" "JUMP!!!!!!"

You know, when I think about it, back in grade 6, when I made the big 7.5 meter jump, I can't actually remember what made me finally go. But I remember the fall. Very very clearly. It seemed like I fell forever. Screaming all the way down, I hit the water and panic rushed over me as it felt like I sank to the bottom of the pool. With no air left in my lungs from all the screaming and having to swim all the way up to the top of the water, I wasn't sure if I would make it. But I did. A sense of accomplishment was met as I was able to take the jump a few more times without it taking over an hour!

I feel like I have been walking up and down those stairs for a long time. Walking up to the platform and looking over the edge many many times. Yesterday, I feel like I jumped off the platform before it. the 5 meter. Gearing myself up to the BIG jump. I know I didn't officially do what really needs to be done, but I feel more and more ready to go there. I am able to actually look it in the eye a bit more. Maybe even speak to it. maybe even be brave enough to give it my voice, my feelings, my hurt.

Thank you my dear counselor who selflessly gives herself, her time to help heal someone who wants freedom. You are making a difference in my life, like you wouldn't believe. love you!

point form

-I found out yesterday that people line up in the hallway before my class to make sure they get a bosu (there's only 13) :D

-When I walked into my class 15 mintues before class to set up, the room was PACKED full of ladies ready to go! What a nice way to go to work!

-But since there's only 13 BOSU's, I had to turn 4 people away, including Jonah's step mom who comes regularly :(

-I feel like I'm making a difference in people's lives

-I'm happy with the way our home is running, trying to improve schedules and disciplines

-I'm reading "life without ED" again, a book about overcoming your eating disorder

-Not necessarily happy with our budget :( :S

-proud of my hubby in everything he does. He is the man I dreamed of having as a girl

-proud of my mom for quitting smoking!!! day 5 for her today

-proud of noah and isaiah for consistently cleaning their rooms and keeping them neat and tidy

-NOT proud of faith and elishah, since their rooms continue to be a DISASTER area!

-Still waiting to see if my kitchen will magically be sanded, primed and painted, but it's not happening.

-I LOVE opening my new FRONT window!!! Complete with huge bill :( but worth it :)

-Still checking my kids for lice every 3-5 days.

-My new favorite song is pink! raise your glass (cause I'm a dirty little freak!)

-Missing my best friend since she's back at work now and I can't talk to her whenever I want for as long as I want :(

25 to life

Today I was running. I've been running to this song for a while now and I loved it right from the first time I heard it. I really like the way Eminem expresses his feelings in this song. It's very raw and honest to the core. So for those of you who are offended by Eminem, this will probably offend you.
But since this is my blog, with my thoughts and my journey, something hit me today and I want to share it. Those that know me well, know my long uphill battle with my eating disorder. You will also know that 2.5 years ago, I stopped throwing up my food, thinking that I had ended my battle with bulimia. Not so....
Little did I know that my eating disorder would morph into new voices and eating patterns. It changed in the way it spoke to me and the way I worked out in the gym. Even though I wasn't throwing up my food, I was desperately purging calories in the gym and trying to restrict my food. It still consumed my thoughts, my life and alot of my actions.
Well, as of recently, a month and a half to be exact. I have relapsed. I am again throwing up my food. There, I said it. I am still an open person -- yea for me........(sarcastic voice)

So back to my run. As I was running to one of my new favorite Eminem songs, I realized that this song that he wrote to hip hop, I had those same thoughts towards my eating disorder, which I've called "Ed or Edith" I will share the lyrics with you and change the words to where it's meaningful to me. I am not going to edit out the swears, because they are a part of how I feel. So if you are offended by profanity, please don't read on. If you choose to read on, remember that this is my blog, my place to share my journey. Highlighted are the parts of the song that really hit home for me.


I don't think she understands
The sacrifices that I made
Maybe if this b itch had acted right
I would have stayed
But I've already wasted over half my life
I would have laid down and died for you
I longer cry for you
No more pain
b itch you took me for granted
Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt
I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it
Imma take control of this relationship
Command it
And I'm gonna be the boss of you now god dam it
And what I mean is that
I'm will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out
This much you owe me
I gave up my life for you
Totally devoted to you
Why I've stayed
Faithful all the way
This is how I fuc kin get repaid?

Look at how I dress
fuc kin baggy sweats (gym clothes, runners)
Go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you
I ain't heard you yet
Not even once say you appreciate me
I deserve respect
I've done my best to give you
Nothing less then perfectness
And I know that if I end this
I'll no longer have nothing left
But you keep treating me like a staircase
It's time to fuc kin step
And I wont be coming back
So don't hold your fuc kin breath
You know what you've done
No need to go in depth
I told you you'd be sorry
If I fuc kin left
I laughed while you wept
How's it feel now?
Yeah funny ain't it
You neglected me
Did me a favor
Let all my spirit free
You've said
Got a special place for you
In my heart
That I have kept
It's unfortunate but it's

Too late
For the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life

I feel like
When I bend over backwards for you
All you do is laugh
Cuz that ain't good enough
You expect me to fold myself in half
Till I snap
Don't think I'm loyal
All I do is rap (workout, eat less, more....etc)
How can I moonlight on the side
I have no life outside of that
Don't I give you enough of my time?
You don't think so do you?
Jealous when I spend time with the girls
Why I'm married to you still
Man I don't know
But tonight I'm serving you with papers
I'm divorcing you
Go marry someone else
And make em famous
And take away their freedom
Like you did to me
Treat em like you don't need em
And they ain't worthy of you
Feed em
The same sh it hat you made me eat
I'm moving on
Forget you
Oh now I'm special
I didn't feel special when I was wit you
All I ever felt was this
Helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish b itch
Chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this
So many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this
But in my sickness
And addiction
Your addictive as they get
Evil as they come
Vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking me
Why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress
The drama
I'm drawn to @#!*%
So I guess I'm a mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abyss
Your screaming as I walk out
That I'll be missed
But when you spoke of people
Who meant the most to you
You left me off your list
f uck you hip hop (Edith)
I'm leaving you
My life sentence is served b itch
And it's just

Too late
For the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life