fun stuff

Well, lighthouse forever and I went cross country skiing on Monday.....
That was such a hoot!
We fell over a million times! I'm sure the next people to take the path we did, won't know where the path is! Did I ever laugh!!!! The first half of our trip we mostly just screamed and fell. And then on the way pack we laughed at the spots in the snow where we had fallen. Big bum marks in the snow...... I think lighthouse was thinking of writting a post on all the paralells in our spiritual walk compared to cross country skiing....so watch for that.

Meet the newest member of our family

Jack Waldherr.

Getting ready for christmas, the anticipation is rising.

Lots in my heart and head that Icould write about....no time.....
Caleb's in the tub....still sleeping.....need to go get him out.
Chicken in oven.....possibly burning......
I can hear Isaiah in the kitchen upstairs.....probably getting into to gingerbread candy (as it is we have to go out and buy more candy for the gbread house casue people keep eating the decorations!
someone's here!.....
gotta go

Forgive

Just so that you know right off the bat, this one sounds really "preachy"....But I'm totally preaching to myself!!!

Monday, I have full faith that my character was watered and grown. I am really coming to see that it's in the crunch that your choices matter the most.

I was hurt.....badly.....Over a long period of time, I was taken advantage of, betrayed, lied to, and violated. The time came for me to make a choice. In the very core of hurt, anger, resentment and intense feelings, I had to make a choice. It was a life or death situation.

Please hear my heart. IN THE MIDST OF PAIN AND SUFFERING.....I STILL HAD TO MAKE THAT CHOICE.....TO FORGIVE.

I kept asking myself, "have I forgiven this person?" "what does forgiveness look like?" How do I find life in abundance in the MIDST of this pain????"
HOW DO I DO THIS!!??? GOD HELP!!!!!

He is faithful to pour lavishly wisdom and understanding, grace and mercy to all the broken places. ONLY BY HIS GRACE, I was able to chose to forgive. For me, this was a real milstone in my walk. I want to rememeber this moment for future encouragement...cause I will get hurt again. I will have to walk in forgiveness I'm sure many more times in my life.

God taught me alot through this trial about forgiveness.

1. The number one reason that we need to forgive is that it is commanded of us. It's not an option, it is a MUST. Nowhere in the word is there talk about you licking your wounds first...and THEN forgive.
In Luke 17 Jesus says that if your brother sins against you 7 times in a day (that means over and over and over in our language) and if that brother repents 7 times, FORGIVE HIM! Laying down our rights, dying to our hurts. Be that dead body that if you get pricked with million needles, nothing hurts.

2. There are several places in the word of God that Jesus says that "if you do not forgive those that sin against you, then my Father in heaven will not forgive your sins". He even tells a whole parable on this in Matthew 18. The parable of the unmerciful servant.

God has forgiven SO MUCH CRAP from us. Not only all the crap that we are AWARE OF, but all the crap we are UNAWARE OF....which is proabably...if you are a human....pretty bad....
It doesn't stop there, Not only all the crap aware and unaware......but all the crap that we haven't even done yet!!!!
Chew on that thought for a second....
Think of all the scripture that talks about His faithfulness to forgive us.


"You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you" Ps 86:5

"He forgives all you sins and heals all your diseases. Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion. Who satisfies your desires with good things sot hat your youth is renewed like the eagle's" Ps 103

"Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You don not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us, you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities in to the depth of the sea. " Micah 7:18-20

"As far as the east is from the west...(which a neverending gap)...that's how far, He has removed our transgressions from us."
"When we were overwhelmed with sin, you forgave our transgressions." Ps 65:3

They are endless. The whole bible has the unlying message of forgivness so that we may be reconciled to God.....

3.We need to forgive for our own good and for the good of the offender. The bible says that if we hold resentments and unforgiveness in our hearts, we are actually throwing that person in a prison cell. They are held captive until you let him go.
The word also says that holding on to bitterness and unforgiveness will make us sick and weak in our bones.

So after all that, do you still feel like holding on to unforgiveness?
Sometimes, all that truth still doesn't matter. The spirit was speaking to me all these freeing truths and I couldn't hear. I was sooo hurt!
That's how I felt on Monday. It was so hard to push all my hurt aside for a second. My hurt was so intense that I couldn't even see the truth of these scriptures. The mercy of God was clouded by my flesh. But I know God well enough to know that when He tells us to do something.....there is resurection on the other end. Obedience is always followed by peace. So by His power, I chose to verbally forgive and in prayer let this person go from my prison.
It still hurt. I thought that forgiveness meant that you no longer felt pain. But first is the action, then is followed by the fruit. I was waiting for the fruit before even planting the seed!

I also used to think that once you forgive, you never have to look at it again. It's done, over finished. But forgiveness is a moment by moment choice. I can chose right now to get all worked up about all those offenses again. I can easily take myself back to where I started from. And the next time that person crossed my path, I could easily put them back in my jail and hold them for abusing me.
But I want life for me and this person. So the next time "the accuser" comes to remind me of this person's past. I will take that thought captive to the obedience of Christ. I will rememeber all the Christ has done for my crap and walk in forgiveness.
I looked up in the dictionary a few months ago the word: CAPTIVE . I was curious of this verse. Sarah inturpreted goes like this,
"Every false thought, false claim, something not real, a joke must be taken captive, imprisoned, by force to MAKE it obey Christ."

I noticed that I didn't even mention the other person's reaction in this post at all. I've heard by others and certainly myself,
"Well, if the OTHER person is sorry for what they did, then,.....maybe......then.....I could forgive....."
"if the other person got down on their knees and actually cried or something, or SHOWED me that they were sorry.....like they have to PROVE it to me..... before I could even consider"
"I would have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that person would never do it again! Well, for pete's sake, it would even be stupid for me to forgive again, just so that I would get hurt again! That wouldn't even be wise! I have to protect myself".......

Well, what if I told you that this person did say sorry like a million times?
What if I told you that this person wept out of sorrow? Then you would think it would be easy then?
No it wasn't. There will be times when the person won't be sorry and other where they will...But that doesn't matter.... the choice is still with you.....deciding to put yourself aside and walk in forgiveness.....

Well, I'll probably be reading my own post the next time I'm all stuck licking my wounds again.
But for this time.....I am victorious by His grace!!!

Holy moment

Come boldly to the throneroom of grace!

I have to share this "Holy moment" with you!
I was on my way to my friend Morgan's to drop off something and God met me powerfully in my car. By the time I got there, I was a pile of goo. God's faithfulness, His forgiveness, is overwhelming at times. My spirit was able to grasp His deep love for me, and His desires for me. Those of you that read my blog know that I've had a bad week. I returned to Eygpt thinking I may be able to have my cake and eat it too. Thinking that I had the right and ability to lead my own life. It's been very very hard to pick myself up out of my mud pile! But I did, and WOW, I can't believe how God meets you right there, with an open hand. My sister wrote this a couple of days ago in my comment box:

"When Peter looked down at the water, Jesus did not respond with contempt. He looked Peter in the eye and gently asked, why did you doubt? He picked him up and gently placed him back in the boat, to rest and recover until he was ready for another round. You have not failed, you have only looked down. You don't get a big fat "F", you get a first hand personal lift from the Son of the living God, who will carry you to your next place of testing. It's not about your perfection, it's about your direction. Know where you're headed and claim it. Your testimony is bigger than you know, through the times of victory and joy, as well as through the times of struggle and muck."

God's knows that we will doubt sometimes, that we will fall. That's why while we were STILL sinners, HE DIED FOR US. We all fall short and always will. I think God is really getting through that it's not about perfection.....BUT DIRECTION!

LISTEN! THIS IS THE BEST PART!
I was on my home from my friend's, driving down circle drive heading west at around 4:15 or so. Now at that time of day, the sun was glaring BRIGHT in my eyes, right in front of me. All of a sudden something bursted out of my spirit!

It reminded me of when you have been driving for hours to get to another city, you usually get there at night and can see the lights of the city beaming in the sky! You are so excited that you're almost there, you can't wait to get there! You can't take your eyes off the city lights that are getting closer and closer!
You drive and drive for it seems like forever, but eventually, you get there!

As I was driving into the son (I mean sun)..., I was listening to "Holy moment" And I had the most beautiful picture of a spiritual truth. I am driving into the SON! All I could see was a little bit of road, through the rays of brightness. I thought about putting my visor down, but NO, I wanted to see Him! I'll never forget that moment. THe words "run, run, run through your gates oh God. With my hands held high and my heart bowed down, We come with a shout of LOVE WITH SHOUTS OF LOVE.......let this be a holy moment now"


Well, I shouted so loud I think I could have blown the glass off my car!
I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to be ashamed. I don't have to be anything....JUST ME....and come......

His strentgh is made PERFECT in my weakness.
As I drove into the sun today, I want to keep that in my heart forever. That's where I'm headin! Into God's glory! Into His righteousness! Into His bright love for me! It's not out of my reach tho. I don't have to drive hours and hours to get there. If we drove around the world we would never actually get to the sun. Our God is there shining BRIGHTLY ON US whenever we are driving in the right direction. It's not about the destination, but about the journey, about RIGHT NOW. ABout making THIS moment a Holy moment!

I am overwhelmed people. What else can I say?

How can it be??

All I have to say is that I watched the concert of the Heart today. I heard myself give a powerful testimony of not giving up and persevering through. I saw a gracious and powerful God in me, declaring the I am a new creation and that He will complete the work He started. I watched the dance that me and my sis did to the song "Even If" by Zoegirl. Lyrics here. I watched the song that Lloanne, nin and Aline did. Bawled throught that too! I NEED ALL OF YOU! I NEED MY CHURCH FAMILY. without you, I would seriously die. I can't imagine walkin this road alone. I am so in awe of how much I need you and how God put me here in the midst of all of you. THANK YOU LORD! Those of you that read this and don't have a family----GET ONE! YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

I was so convicted, encouraged and relieved. I was refreshed renewed and amazed that it's really not about perfection. It's about direction. We all fall. We have all fallen short. We will always fall short.
But the good news of Jesus is that our debt is paid and He offers forgiveness and new mercy right NOW! He offers us grace to get up. Grace to repent. Grace to walk against the storm. These truths and everything else in the amazing living word of God NEEDS TO BE HIDDEN IN OUR HEARTS! It needs to be written there inside of us. When lies come, and they will, what are you going to do? Fight the spiritual battle around you with reason? With statistics? With exuses?

OUR ONLY WEAPON IS THE LIVING WORD OF GOD AND OUR RESPONSE TO THAT!

I choose to get up, brush the crusty mud off and walk as who I really am. A child of THE king. To face the mess I made and trust that God will help me clean it up.

It was just so weird to have myself preaching to myself.......(when I watched the video tape of the COTH)

What we have as kids of the king is a living hope that never spoils perishes or fades. The only way that can be stolen from you is if you believe a false claim. A lie, something NOT TRUE. I have the tools. I know the word and want to know it more. I know that nothing can steal my living hope if I choose to hold on to it.

As I've said before, time to keep on truckin' I'm not going to give up! By His grace I can DO THIS!

Help!

Well, I have pretty much fallen flat on my face this week! I am covered in muck, and even sulking in it. After you have chosen sin willfully, you get clouded, confused, and open to all kinds of enemy's attack. I really need prayer and encouragement. It's so crazy that last week looked like light to dark of this one.....(sigh)

God's word has been floating around my head today. I was talking to my sister about sin and repentance yesterday. Unless you know the grossness of your sin and the death it brings with NO EXCUSE, MINIMIZING, MAKING LIGHT OF..etc, you will never turn. You will never experience the Godly sorrow that leads to repentance and leaves no regret.

The other truth is that if you confess your sin, He is faithful to forgive and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. The pressure is on me now. I've revealed myself, my struggles to all my family. I've made declarations along the way and have lost 30 pounds. I really have thrown myself off the cliff into the arms of my father. But it last week what started with a slip, turned into another bad choice, then another. I am trying to climb up the side of the cliff hoping to sneek a peek at the land of Eygpt where I came from. The snowball effect of bad choices has landed me here and I need help. I know that spiritual family is there not to condemn but to build and lift up. Please pray that I can drop the chains that I myself have been trying to tie back to my feet and walk free. It's not a big process, it's just one choice followed by actions. Jesus died ONCE FOR ALL. I know the truth. I have no excuse. I feel sick to my stomach that it only takes choice after choice to return to your vomit.
I wrote a post about little by little, right choice after right choice gets you where you need to go. Same goes for the other way. I have believed the lie that I'm a failure and I might as well give up. I've believed the lie that "I've made it far enough, I don't have to go all the way...."

I need strength to get up....
I need His grace to face myself, and those around me.
I believe that God will get glory at the end of all this, maybe not right now, but soon.
I need faith that I can do this....to the end....no matter the cost.

signing off. I am hoping next post will be better. But I had to be honest. I have to stay honest. David said, against you and you alone have I sinned oh Lord.
That's where I am right now.
Shalom