My journey with FEAR

So much fear....hidden.....I didn't see it....till the faithful God whom I serve loves me so much that He wanted to heal me!

Last Friday: Our family spends "christmas at the hotel" every year. We waterslide all day and eat good food. It's been a family tradition for about 5 or 6 years now.
Struggle: Caleb was missing this year. I packed up my kids and suitcases without my oldest son there. Spent the weekend without his presence. Caleb always spent his time soaking in the hot tub with jets on his back and cuddling with all of us. In water, Caleb wasn't heavy at all, so it was nice to hold him and cuddle his 9 year old bigness in a hot tub. I didn't have a chance to cry.

Monday: Was Caleb's birthday. I took the kids to the fun factory so that their lives could carry on and I didn't have to sit at home and mope. The carpet guys came and installed all our carpet, so the family was super excited, I wasn't really. I missed Caleb, he was missing the "moving on of our lives" I didn't get a chance to cry.

Thursday: Doctor's appointment. Was told that the baby is still breech. Talked about a c-section. Drove home totally stressed and overwhelmed. Still didn't have a chance to cry.
Didn't sleep a wink that night.
Friday: Homeschool convention. Alot of walking and sitting, thinking, filling up my brains to the hilt! Looking at countless books, spending alot of money.....By the time it was 9 pm and the convention was closing for the night, I sat down and was in overload. I was starting to have pains in my womb. Pinching ones that were kinda scary. Joe graciously went to get the van and told me that he was going to "baby me" when we got home. While he was gone, I just sat there, praying. Asking God why I was wound up tight like a screw. He started to flash Caleb's birth through my head....

Like a movie replaying, I sat there fighting the tears at first, but then couldn't stop them. Rememebering the trauma of Caleb's birth....

Went to hospital for a routine non stress test to have the doctors find that Caleb was in trouble. They broke my water to find much meconium and Caleb was in big trouble! From that moment on, they RAN with me on the bed down to the operating room...Joe was left behind. I was all alone. Before I could blink, the doctor told me to count backwards from 10 and put a mask over my face. At that moment, I felt the scalpel run through my belly and across....then I was out.


I woke up, drugged on morphine to only look at a poleriod photo of my son, down in the NICU. The picture showed only tubes. I couldn't barely see a human there.
The movie ran on in my head, the time I first got to hold him (he was nearly a week old before I could even hold my son!) The time the doctors told us he would never walk or talk. His surgery for his gastrostomy tube at 4 months of age. The time I "stole Caleb" from the hospital and locked myself in a room becuase everyone was trying to convince us to put Caleb in a home. I sat in that room rocking him, crying, wondering why no one wanted him.

By the time Joe got back with the van, I was a mess. I then realized why I was so darn terrified to have another C-section! I ran to the bathroom in tears (infront of all the homeschoolers) locked myself in a stall and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed....

I said to God: "God, I want to trust you. I know you love me. I know you take care of me. My fear overwhelms me. Help me overcome my fear. Heal me heal me......I give this to you in words, still terrified, trusting that you will answer."

Sunday church: the message was on fear! whatda know!!!
I was standing at the front, talking to God, telling him the same things, waiting in anticipation. Wanda, Lani and my sis, came around me and started to pray. God's spirit came and just started to heal, minister, speak and love.
I believe and recieve that I have been delievered from fear that day. God spoke many things to my heart yesterday. Even gave me the name of the new baby.
He put this baby breech for a reason. To restore me. to heal me and to love me. I thank him so much for that.
The postion of the baby is in his hands. the birth and timing of this baby is in his hands.....the health of this baby is in his hands. But one thing that I needed to hear from him was that HE WANTS HEALTH FOR US.

So, I carry on the journey, clinging as best I can to the Lord. Knowing I will be safe. He is good. He is my God and my daddy. He is all powerful and the almighty. He is Holy and righteous. He is faithful and just. In Him I put my trust.