My computer has been down the last week or so, Joe has painted Caleb's room (which is where the computer now is) I still call it Caleb's room. Some of the family members call it the "office" now...which I guess it is....
Walking with my Father has not been a boring dull walk these last few weeks. I am encouraged in so many areas, but struggle with faith in my one area that has haunted me for 16 years. Bulimia. Will I ever be victorious???
Deep down I know that I will. There's this song by casting crowns that i've been singing all the time, called "In me"
"Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me"
The bold words are the words that I really sing out. There's this sign at a store called twisted goods in the mall. I saw it last night and I WANT to buy it. It says "believe" And this is where I am at. Do I believe? I really can sense God digging in my heart. I do know that He is transforming me, layer by layer. I just keep pressing through, pushing past fear, doubt, and failures. Fighting the good fight of faith. Standing on truth, till He brings the victory. I asked my sis the other night, "do you think there will ever come a day where I'll be able to say, 'I haven't thrown up my food for years!!'?" She said, of course! And deep down, by the power of Christ, yes, I will....
The tiny little battles that you think are not significant, are the most important thing you can fight for, because, the more little battles that you overcome IN HIM, before you know it, He wins the war for you.
For me this is a huge thing. Some people that I know have the most amazing will power. They can put their minds to anything and just do it. (I could never understand those people! LOL) I am the opposite of this. I say that I will do this and that, but then never follow through.
These are 2 extremes of the SAME THING. STRIVING IN THE FLESH.
....For one, we just give up (that would be my pattern)
....For others, they just do it alone
BOTH DO NOT HAVE FAITH IN GOD
I am encouraged. I do believe God. I know my daddy enough to know that He never breaks a promise. That He never changes. That He is the same.
I am reading a series of verses on running. God is leading down a path to teach me a spiritual truth through a physical picture....running. There is much to be learned about persevering, staying the course, not giving up, not giving in......
So I have begun a new journey by the leading of the spirit....running. We'll see where He takes me in that.....
Just so that you know....by me sharing this, is a huge risk. It is a leap of faith by telling those that know me, is another way to show that I believe God will finish what he started. I am scared. Scared to fail, scared to give up or that I won't make it. But that's okay. I am choosing to push past all of it.
Psalm 18:10
The name of the Lord is and strong tower. The righteous run into it and they are saved.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
bulemia, compulsive overeating, being overweight
I wanted the title to grab your eye. These words mean different things to different people.
For some, bulemia may have struck someone you know, or maybe, you've read about it in a book. Maybe this is something that you really struggle with.
To some, the word "overweight" is you. You've wrestled with weight all your life. Or maybe you've been slim all your life and you watch others around you wrestle.
To some, the words "compulsive overeating" may cause you to think. "Am I a compulsive overeater? Am I normal? Do I have a problem with food? Maybe you already know if this is you. Maybe some of you may think that we "ALL" have struggles with food, while others feel very isolated believing that they are alone.
This is my story, praying that my life will point to God and all He does for us:
Being severly bullied as a child, I came home from school to find that the food in the fridge brought me comfort. It was a time to unwind, forget, and relax. I could enjoy the taste of unhealthy foods to ease my pain. When I turned 12, I discovered drugs and alcohol were much better suited to fix my pain. Food went on the back burner....but only for a short time.
I was admitted into a drug rehab at 15. Let me just say that we were fed WELL! I gained 30 pounds in 3 months. It was a physical picture that I had switched one addiction for another. Quitting drugs, I returned to my first comfort of food, but learned a new technique.....vomitting. This way, I could eat LARGE amounts of food in a binge, and not have any consequences.
After rehab, I met Joe, got pregnant, married, gained 60 pounds in pregnancy!!! Now I had something else to fuel my problem.....a weight problem......
Totally powerless over my addiction to food, I continued in my daily binging and purging. All the while, losing any hope that I would be normal. After my second child, I found myself lying on the kitchen floor, sobbing infront of my fridge, begging God to help me. To take away my desire to eat.....it never happened.
I prayed constantly for deliverance. Went to church leaders, confessing my closet eating patterns.
I fasted for a few days, only to find a severe binge waiting for me on the other side. My sizes kept creeping up, my self esteem kept dropping down, all the while losing more and more hope.
Depression, fueling my eating, eating, fueling my depression.
Cycle after cycle of this deadly sickly thing called gluttony.
Feeling like a victim, helpless to stop it, I give up.....
Years go by and I am only bigger, but numb. I now ignore my binging. It's part of my weekly life. I just accept that I will always be this way. My spiritual walk is stunted, my spirit is weary and defeated. I try to grow in all other areas of my life. Marriage, parenting, being a house wife, reaching out to my neighbours, praying for the lost, reading the word more.....
But I know that my eating affects ALL areas of life!
How can I glorify God when my outward body speaks of a life that's out of control to gluttony?
How can I truly experience freedom in my marriage when I am not confident in my own skin?
How can I model self control to my children, when they are daily witnessing a mom a slave to the fridge?
How can I share the hope of Jesus to my neighbours when I have no hope left for myself???
One day, I jump off the cliff.
I take the greatest leap of faith I've ever taken.
With nothing to loose, I join a weight loss group. Through my journey I lost 50 pounds and 10 sizes. BUT THIS IS NOT THE POINT PEOPLE!
God taught me about fighting the good fight of faith.
My deliverance came in the form of believing in faith in every moment that I am victorious!
Not giving up
Clinging to His word
Everyday, making that choice to believe what He says about me, not matter what is going on around me.
I was looking for a quick fix, that one prayer to "set me free" But all the while I never realized that I WAS FREE, I just had to WALK IT OUT!!!!!
I have a HUGE heart for those in bondage to food. I've been there. I KNOW what it's like.
I'm not perfect. I don't have it all figured out. But God is with me and I walk with him, THROUGH MY FALLS and through my victories. Ron shared an AWESOME message this morning on faith. Everything done apart from faith is sin. He shared that if the spirit of God left the church, 80% of it would still carry on as usual. That's how much we've walked away from faith! We either do it on our own, or sit on the pity pot not having any faith.
I just had another baby. I gained 50 pounds this pregnancy. I really struggled with food in my time of trial. (My son died when I was 5 months pregnant)
Now having to loose all my weight again, I'm not giving up.
This IS NOT ABOUT WEIGHT.
This is ALL about a life given to God IN FAITH!
There is so much more on this I could share, it's getting long. I'll have to share more next time.
Let's all rememeber that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.
There's soooo much more in my heart, but this is where I need to stop for now.
For some, bulemia may have struck someone you know, or maybe, you've read about it in a book. Maybe this is something that you really struggle with.
To some, the word "overweight" is you. You've wrestled with weight all your life. Or maybe you've been slim all your life and you watch others around you wrestle.
To some, the words "compulsive overeating" may cause you to think. "Am I a compulsive overeater? Am I normal? Do I have a problem with food? Maybe you already know if this is you. Maybe some of you may think that we "ALL" have struggles with food, while others feel very isolated believing that they are alone.
This is my story, praying that my life will point to God and all He does for us:
Being severly bullied as a child, I came home from school to find that the food in the fridge brought me comfort. It was a time to unwind, forget, and relax. I could enjoy the taste of unhealthy foods to ease my pain. When I turned 12, I discovered drugs and alcohol were much better suited to fix my pain. Food went on the back burner....but only for a short time.
I was admitted into a drug rehab at 15. Let me just say that we were fed WELL! I gained 30 pounds in 3 months. It was a physical picture that I had switched one addiction for another. Quitting drugs, I returned to my first comfort of food, but learned a new technique.....vomitting. This way, I could eat LARGE amounts of food in a binge, and not have any consequences.
After rehab, I met Joe, got pregnant, married, gained 60 pounds in pregnancy!!! Now I had something else to fuel my problem.....a weight problem......
Totally powerless over my addiction to food, I continued in my daily binging and purging. All the while, losing any hope that I would be normal. After my second child, I found myself lying on the kitchen floor, sobbing infront of my fridge, begging God to help me. To take away my desire to eat.....it never happened.
I prayed constantly for deliverance. Went to church leaders, confessing my closet eating patterns.
I fasted for a few days, only to find a severe binge waiting for me on the other side. My sizes kept creeping up, my self esteem kept dropping down, all the while losing more and more hope.
Depression, fueling my eating, eating, fueling my depression.
Cycle after cycle of this deadly sickly thing called gluttony.
Feeling like a victim, helpless to stop it, I give up.....
Years go by and I am only bigger, but numb. I now ignore my binging. It's part of my weekly life. I just accept that I will always be this way. My spiritual walk is stunted, my spirit is weary and defeated. I try to grow in all other areas of my life. Marriage, parenting, being a house wife, reaching out to my neighbours, praying for the lost, reading the word more.....
But I know that my eating affects ALL areas of life!
How can I glorify God when my outward body speaks of a life that's out of control to gluttony?
How can I truly experience freedom in my marriage when I am not confident in my own skin?
How can I model self control to my children, when they are daily witnessing a mom a slave to the fridge?
How can I share the hope of Jesus to my neighbours when I have no hope left for myself???
One day, I jump off the cliff.
I take the greatest leap of faith I've ever taken.
With nothing to loose, I join a weight loss group. Through my journey I lost 50 pounds and 10 sizes. BUT THIS IS NOT THE POINT PEOPLE!
God taught me about fighting the good fight of faith.
My deliverance came in the form of believing in faith in every moment that I am victorious!
Not giving up
Clinging to His word
Everyday, making that choice to believe what He says about me, not matter what is going on around me.
I was looking for a quick fix, that one prayer to "set me free" But all the while I never realized that I WAS FREE, I just had to WALK IT OUT!!!!!
I have a HUGE heart for those in bondage to food. I've been there. I KNOW what it's like.
I'm not perfect. I don't have it all figured out. But God is with me and I walk with him, THROUGH MY FALLS and through my victories. Ron shared an AWESOME message this morning on faith. Everything done apart from faith is sin. He shared that if the spirit of God left the church, 80% of it would still carry on as usual. That's how much we've walked away from faith! We either do it on our own, or sit on the pity pot not having any faith.
I just had another baby. I gained 50 pounds this pregnancy. I really struggled with food in my time of trial. (My son died when I was 5 months pregnant)
Now having to loose all my weight again, I'm not giving up.
This IS NOT ABOUT WEIGHT.
This is ALL about a life given to God IN FAITH!
There is so much more on this I could share, it's getting long. I'll have to share more next time.
Let's all rememeber that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.
There's soooo much more in my heart, but this is where I need to stop for now.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Mommy's day
My blessings
Mr.Caleb
Mr.Caleb
Noah
Isaiah
Faithfulness
Maybe last, but not least....Elishah
Maybe last, but not least....Elishah
After celebrating Joe's mom and my mom, we always take a day for just me. We call it mommy's day. They take me to the Saskatoon Asian for supper and then after that it varies. Last night I got a nonfat-sugarfree-no foam-hazelnut latte. YUMMY!
Later on (probably sooner than I think) I will be officially burning fire from my butt. (I can't resist the spice there) Hopefully, my darling little baby will not be too badly affected!
My kids are really great. Noah learned how to use chopsticks. (He can't wait to show auntie nin) He did really well. We all just had a great time. I love my family.
On our way to the restaurant, Joe says, "do you think we're done having kids?" I had to laugh really loud. We always do this! After we start to get our feet back on the ground, and all the kids are being their sweet selves, we usually start to say that we don't think we are done. I didn't say that this time. I'm keeping my mouth shut. I just want to do what God has planned for my family. I know that I feel done, I want to be done. But I'm not closing any doors, until God says it's time. I sometimes pray that he agrees with me, but just as a joke, cause i know it doesn't work that way.
I'm going for some quiet time now, (the kind where kids are all over, being loud! LOL)
Have a great day everyone!
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
picture post
Feel free to enlarge any of these pictures...
Isaiah wearing Elishah in the cuddly wrap!
My beautiful girls!
Joe and Elishah having a cuddle at the piano recital
This is one of Isaiah's church friends. Rachel, better known as rachy
Rachy, Isaiah and Joah
Now dad is wearing the baby in the cuddly wrap
Our awesome slime green bathroom!
This is our trip out to Beechy SK. Our very good friends Kelly and Lani are now pastors and farmers! It suits them well. It was such a fun time to be with friends. Sitting around the fire, singing, eating and laughing. What would we do without brothers and sisters!!!!!Kelly the grill man and Chris, his assistant
There a couple of kids missing here, but these are 21 kids to 4 couples! 21 children and 8 adults.....let me just say it was a blast! the kids had a blast!
Mia, Isaiah, Abby and Faith on the trampoline!
Me wearing my baby!
Isn't she the cutest ever!!!
Daniel's first official sunburn....of course his mom and dad carted him around all afternoon, garage saling!!!! 
Last week our family went out to Caleb's grave. It was very healing to go and be there with him. We all had some good cries, thought of good memories and wept over the last days of his life. May Caleb's lifesong sing throughout our lives. This is my mom with Noah, Faith and Isaiah
Just looking at this picture seems like a dream, like how could I really be sitting at the side of my son's grave? At that moment, it was very real, sitting there, touching the dirt that was over top of him. 
It's so healing to have my Elishah close to me. I feel like there will be a connection between her and Caleb, even tho they never met, I knew that Elishah in her spirit felt what was going on in my womb at the time of Caleb's sickness and death. 
My mom bought me a rocking chair!!!!!!!! I was SOOO excited! i now rock with her in her room and sing to her
Fits me perfectly!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Dr. Phil's famous quote...and a few of God's quotes too! :)
You can't change what you don't acknowledge
Joe's been saying the last few days
"it's better to be broken on the rock than to be broken by the rock" (our pastor shared that a few weeks ago)
This is my life the last few weeks....repentance....
In isaiah it says that repentance is your salvation and peace.
What is repentance?
-to turn FROM your sin and turn TO God
-to take responsiblity for your actions
-To make amends wherever you need to
But what really changes the heart?
I've been wanting fruit in my life so badly, I want to stay broken on the rock.
The more I take ownership of my actions without excuses
the more I repent right away as soon as I fall
the more I ask God for His strength instead relying on my own
The more my life changes
This isn't rocket science. This is basic christianity. This should be the daily life of every believer. I feel kinda dumb that this simple basic truth that should be modelled in my life; is ONCE AGAIN a big light bulb in my life.
I feel like I'm coming out of the cave. I feel like deeper foundations are being laid.
Romans 2
I don't want to take for granted the paitence, the kindness and tolerance of the Lord. I truly is becuase of these things that I repent and want to follow him.
Joe's been saying the last few days
"it's better to be broken on the rock than to be broken by the rock" (our pastor shared that a few weeks ago)
This is my life the last few weeks....repentance....
In isaiah it says that repentance is your salvation and peace.
What is repentance?
-to turn FROM your sin and turn TO God
-to take responsiblity for your actions
-To make amends wherever you need to
But what really changes the heart?
I've been wanting fruit in my life so badly, I want to stay broken on the rock.
The more I take ownership of my actions without excuses
the more I repent right away as soon as I fall
the more I ask God for His strength instead relying on my own
The more my life changes
This isn't rocket science. This is basic christianity. This should be the daily life of every believer. I feel kinda dumb that this simple basic truth that should be modelled in my life; is ONCE AGAIN a big light bulb in my life.
I feel like I'm coming out of the cave. I feel like deeper foundations are being laid.
Romans 2
I don't want to take for granted the paitence, the kindness and tolerance of the Lord. I truly is becuase of these things that I repent and want to follow him.
Friday, May 04, 2007
A Terrible Accident
Before
After
Although I doubt anything is permanent, the temporary disfigurement may cause some social problems.
I had to put this on my blog....Joe wrote it, but i just needed to steal it!!
Sarah needs.......
Google your name followed by "needs" and see what comes up!!!
Sarah needs a cold shower
(holy, I'm not a man!! LOL)
Sarah needs pencil shavings
(um.....for my composter???)
Sarah needs to kick him in the nuts
(I've thought about it, but i'm not about to do it!)
Sarah needs help
(I guess that's obvious!)
Sarah needs to play
(I totally totally agree! I get too serious at times)
Sarah needs your manly vote
(no comment)
Sarah needs social support
......add your comment here....
Sarah needs no explanation
(she's already drawn her educated guess...which is her hypothesis...(i know, big word :) )
Sarah needs a loving playful home
(I think God is really trying to tell me to lighten up!)
Sarah needs to watch out
(Or she'll trip over the 100 and one things on her floor)
Sarah needs to set up her experiment
(har har har....(insert evil laugh here))
Sarah needs medicine
(Okay that was supposed to be private!)
Anyone else if your as bored as me can do this.
Sarah needs a cold shower
(holy, I'm not a man!! LOL)
Sarah needs pencil shavings
(um.....for my composter???)
Sarah needs to kick him in the nuts
(I've thought about it, but i'm not about to do it!)
Sarah needs help
(I guess that's obvious!)
Sarah needs to play
(I totally totally agree! I get too serious at times)
Sarah needs your manly vote
(no comment)
Sarah needs social support
......add your comment here....
Sarah needs no explanation
(she's already drawn her educated guess...which is her hypothesis...(i know, big word :) )
Sarah needs a loving playful home
(I think God is really trying to tell me to lighten up!)
Sarah needs to watch out
(Or she'll trip over the 100 and one things on her floor)
Sarah needs to set up her experiment
(har har har....(insert evil laugh here))
Sarah needs medicine
(Okay that was supposed to be private!)
Anyone else if your as bored as me can do this.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Inner healing
Last year Joe and I took a course at our church called "Love and Respect"
The simple biblical truths did more for our marriage more than any advice, counselling or teaching we've ever recieved In our 10 years together. It brought revelation knowledge that rippled healing, joy, peace and freedom in our marriage. I felt like a totally different person!
Well, 18 months has passed and alot has happened since then. We've lost our oldest child, we've had a new baby, we've bought out house, we've renovated our whole basement, Joe has switched job's, moved positions... Through the weight of life and trials, I have lost focus.
God is breaking me to a wonderful place. He is getting through my walls of fear and I am taking more and more steps of obedience that's bringing more and more peace. God is opening my eyes to rebellion, fear, doubt, lack of faith and sin in new lights, and giving me wisdom on how to plow through it.
I keep wanting to share the details, but feel that I'm not supposed to share the details right now. I'm a sanguine, I like to count my chickens before they're hatched. But in this case, I need to keep on truckin' towards bearing some fruit. I pray that I will be soft and sensitive to God's work, voice and hand.
I am thankful today. My desire is so strong to glorify Him.
I hope I'll get to share more in time. But for now I guess I just need to process this work and be paitent for fruit.
The choice is MINE, the consequences are MINE, MY choices, no one else's....NO EXCUSES!!
Even wounds, even though someone caused me pain, I am 110% responsible for how I react! Fear is not an excuse! Fear that I will be hurt again...fear that i'll fail.....
THis plain, blunt truth is simple and takes alot of the confusion away. Instead of your issues being your husband's, your kids, your famikly, your friends, your church, your job....all of a sudden IT'S JUST YOU. makes it alot simpler, but yet harder....but a "good hard" cause you know in your heart it's the right thing.
The simple biblical truths did more for our marriage more than any advice, counselling or teaching we've ever recieved In our 10 years together. It brought revelation knowledge that rippled healing, joy, peace and freedom in our marriage. I felt like a totally different person!
Well, 18 months has passed and alot has happened since then. We've lost our oldest child, we've had a new baby, we've bought out house, we've renovated our whole basement, Joe has switched job's, moved positions... Through the weight of life and trials, I have lost focus.
God is breaking me to a wonderful place. He is getting through my walls of fear and I am taking more and more steps of obedience that's bringing more and more peace. God is opening my eyes to rebellion, fear, doubt, lack of faith and sin in new lights, and giving me wisdom on how to plow through it.
I keep wanting to share the details, but feel that I'm not supposed to share the details right now. I'm a sanguine, I like to count my chickens before they're hatched. But in this case, I need to keep on truckin' towards bearing some fruit. I pray that I will be soft and sensitive to God's work, voice and hand.
I am thankful today. My desire is so strong to glorify Him.
I hope I'll get to share more in time. But for now I guess I just need to process this work and be paitent for fruit.
The choice is MINE, the consequences are MINE, MY choices, no one else's....NO EXCUSES!!
Even wounds, even though someone caused me pain, I am 110% responsible for how I react! Fear is not an excuse! Fear that I will be hurt again...fear that i'll fail.....
THis plain, blunt truth is simple and takes alot of the confusion away. Instead of your issues being your husband's, your kids, your famikly, your friends, your church, your job....all of a sudden IT'S JUST YOU. makes it alot simpler, but yet harder....but a "good hard" cause you know in your heart it's the right thing.
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