surviving vs thriving

Years ago, Flowerlady taught me about thriving. It's impacted me. Ever since she shared with me what it means to thrive, I've been striving to thrive ever since.

Ever since I wrote my last post, I really started to struggle. Usually when you declare something, there is testing on 2 sides. God wants to continue to deepen His work, and the enemy is out to steal what God is giving you.

It's all good. This morning, I phoned Joe to apologize again!!! Sheesh!!!!!!!!! Over the last 3 or 4 days, going back to the past....but was able to turn around with the beauty of repentance. I asked Joe before bed, "was I different today?" He said, "yes, I noticed"

Such an effort it takes. I have seen days, where it comes natural and that's where I get really excited. But for right now in this moment, I am making very concious choices without really "feeling like it"

There's a few thoughts that came to mind when I was asking God how and why I got to survival mode....

This is what He said,

I'm not filling my tank in the morning. I was getting good at spending time with Him, filling up so I had something to give my family during the day....but I guess once things go well, I figure, I don't really need to read the word today....WRONG!

I am not fixing my eyes on Jesus. I'm paying attention to the messy house, the bacteria on my fridge door and the pile of laundry that I can't seem to get through!

I am not running with perseverance the race marked before me. I'm running other races, that I think I should run, not the races God has placed before me.

I need to embrace hardships as discipline. When road blocks come ( and they are!!) Learn from them, repent where I need to, praise where I need to.....

These are some of my sleepy thoughts....Have to go write in my log now.....

High calling, low calling?? Part 1

I've been burning up with passion about being a mom and a wife again...

It started with God doing a work in my heart a few weeks ago. Bitterness and frustration were common attitudes in my heart. I was finding that my days were filled with bad thoughts of others and being angry at my kids. Even though I was trying so hard to hide it on the outside, it was seeping through anyway. God says, "out of the heart, the mouth speaks" So evidently, my children and hubby were the brunt of the crap in my heart.

My desire is to be forever changed when God does a work in my heart. I guess sometimes we do go back into old patterns, that's part of being human, but there is a new foundation that is being rooted in my character......one that I've been longing for.....one that people will recognize and say, "There's something in that girl! She's so at peace"
Praise God for JOY!
Not happiness.....JOY....

Joy has NOTHING to do with happiness. Happiness is surrounded by circumstances. Joy is found only in God. Joy is found when you are satisfied, when your purpose has been made clear and real. I've been longing for this for so many years and God is building it, as I give over the things that would normally make me bitter. When the kids spill their milk, we laugh, when there's playdoh all over the table and floor and supper is ready, we laugh. I can't believe it...our home is filled with laughter. A contentment....a deep contentment....

A contentment in what? In my purpose. For me, I am a stay at home mom for right now (who knows where I'll be in the future) but for RIGHT now, I am at home being the keeper of my home. Whether I work outside the home or not, I am a mom and a wife. Those roles do not change with my job description during the day, but I will talk about being a stay at home mom because that's where God has placed me for now.

Our society has knocked what I do all day with my kids. I've had to fight the pressure of "going out and REALLY doing something with my life" Go out and get a REAL job...." But when the dust settles, what's really important? When the day is done, what really matters?
In the end it's all about relationships.
Our kids will remember the days of playdoh and crafts, not the expensive toys we buy them.
Our kids will remember mom serving hot chocolate after playing outside in the snow, not the designer clothes they get to wear. They'll remember the stories, the cuddles, the board games, the laughing, not a clean oven, a sparkling tub and ironed shirts.

Ever since I started writing this post (it's been 3 days in the making due to lack of time) I've been challenged still with these thoughts! It's SO SO easy to fall into old patterns. It's a daily choice to focus on what really matters. For me, this is very hard at times. I just finished reading this book from the library called "Speed Cleaning 101" Good book! But it kinda leaves you feeling like you're not doing enough. "I'm not washing the bedding enough, there's bacteria on the fridge handle, I need to disinfect the kitchen sink more, I need to buy this tool and that tool, I'm not on top of this, or that....."

Man!!!! No wonder Jesus said, "take every thought that you have and scan it through the spirit lazer!! So many thoughts are detrimental to our peace and joy!!! And without knowing what the truth is, there's no way you can fight the battle of the mind!

I will write on being a wife next time. This post is getting long. I could talk about this for ever....maybe I'll make this like a part series....hee hee.....

Time to reflect

Last night I drank 2 cups of tea so that I could tear around the house and bring some order before the school week starts. Then of course I was up till 1:30 am with only my thoughts.....

These were my thoughts last night....

It's nice to have some quiet just to think with no interruptions! For a while, I actually ENJOYED the time to reflect, pray and spend some quiet time with God. We caught up, and He shared His heart with me...it was nice.....

I had the chance to just really thank Him for everything. I've just been so grateful for my home, my family, my kids....for all He does, all the mercy He shows, all the grace He gives....

I reflected on my purpose in life....To bring glory and honor to Him.....Is there ANY HIGHER CALLING?????

That will be my next blog....high calling, or low calling....

now that it's bright and early, my kids are still snoozin, my coffee is on, my tree is lit, my living room spotless....I am going to cozy up with my bible and thank Him some more! Who could ask for anything better???

update on my eating and homeschool

Well, over the last 2 months, I have gained 7 or 8 pounds. All the muscle I built over the summer running has officially turned into fat.....sigh.....

I have "started" my program many times over.....only to chuck the plan out in a few days. Started counting points again, then I'd try to eat the carb/protien plan.....only to give up and give in whenever I felt like eating whatever I wanted. Nin and I have still stayed pretty faithful to the running, only since it has snowed have we stopped. A short break in Sept, starting in October, running into the middle on November. I'm afraid of falling on the ice and don't think I'm comfortable running through the winter.

I did start counting points again on Sunday. This is day 3 for me with half my flex points gone. I had the munchies so bad last night, I just wanted to eat all evening. I counted everything I put in my mouth....

At church there was a word spoken from the Lord and I was pierced. "The Lord will complete the good work He started in you" THis was the verse God gave me when I started this journey 2 years ago. It blessed me and filled me with faith. I have to press on......I have no other option....(well I do, but death doesn't seem to appeal to me much!)


Homeschooling....

Years ago when Noah was a toddler, Joe and I started to research this path of homeschooling. I was extrememly immature in many areas. I had a dream, a vision....of what our homeschool would look like.....
Struggling with laziness, selfishness, a lack of discipline, and no structure, due to depression, it seemed like a healthy enviroment wouldn't happen for my kids. Last night in my bubble bath, I all of a sudden realized that the vision in my head of what my home would look like is what our home is!!! All the dreams I had for us, there is a foundation laid. Of course, we have our days, I have my moments, but I'm not bound to depression, fear and lies of no hope anymore.

In our homeschool philosophy as a family, we state that it is the priority to love God, eachother and the world. Academics come secondary to tying strings of fellowship and growing in the Lord. We believe that providing a rich environment with puzzles, books, paint, playdoh, crafts, crayons, educational videos, trips to the library.....will encourage them to go after what they need to learn instead of us shoving stuff in their heads all day. There has been much breakthrough when it comes to our academics as well. I am confident in our curriculum choices and the kids are responding well to it. I have taken the responsibility of teaching and training my kids to a new depth this year. A deeper revelation and joy has come.
I'm just really blessed to see the fruit God is growing in the kids and in us.

There is another side to this story....Caleb.(My first born son who died one year ago at age 9) My really good friend since I was 5, Morgan, she knows me better than I know me sometimes. She was over yesterday for a coffee and we were talking about how I've been feeling a bit 'off'. She pin pointed it right away, saying that, because I just put up the christmas trees and the holidays are approaching, I'm am missing Caleb. I feel guilty for saying this, but she pointed out as well that our family has many more resources now. More mental, physical and spiritual energy. More time, less stress which makes for a light hearted family. I am thankful that God did take him home. But there will always be a part of me that feels like something is missing.....

Caleb's face

I can't even describe in words.....But I will try

Last night after feeding Elishah in my bed, I laid there with her cradled in my arms. She fell fast asleep. Being inches from her face, I studied her. Caleb's face came out plain as day....
Here I was holding my first born, my Mr. Caleb man. He was right there in my arms, it felt like a dream, only it wasn't....it was real, it was really him....

It was weird, it was sad, it was comforting, it was scary (how much it looked like him)
I longed him, how I'd give anything back for one more cuddle....

I put Elishah back in her playpen, laying there, with a strange sense of the timing of her birth yet again. How did God plan her so perfectly? How did He know she was just what this family needed? He is God....that's why.....He wouldn't be God otherwise....
We were positive she'd be a boy.....but He gave us a girl....a girl that looks just like him, but a girl to remind us of new beginnings, not of holding on to the past.

I miss you Caleb.....One day, we will be together......
:(:(:(:(:'''(

Carriage family, train family or jet family???

I've been reflecting on the 3 types of families lately. Being that our family has gone through so many changes over the last 10 years, where do we fit??

Carriage family (Life in the slow lane)
they never start anything too quickly. THey enjoy life and experiences. They make time for reflection and thought. They keep their schedules clear to avoid stress and to have time to study, plan and understand. Their struggles can be that they don't have enough structure, or too much structure to protect their slow pace lifestyle. They can tend to fly by the seat of their pants becuase they dislike change and the unexpected.

The Train family: (Life in the fast lane)
This family is always adding one more box to their train. Their train seems to continually be getting longer and longer. They can have a difficulty saying no to things. They will think to themselves, "What's the point of going to youth group when I can lead the youth group?" If they see a need, they will meet that need. In order to handle all their commitments, they are highly organized and structured. They are steady and consistent. They are reliable and willing. But they also tend to overdo things and are overcommited. They will give their "yes" without counting the cost. And their one on one family time can lack due to all the activities in their schedule.

The jet plane family (Life at the sound barrier)
between work, church and kids programs, they can't mess two stoplights in the morning without running behind. Their days start with a "preflight briefing the night before. They carry palm pilots and on a good day will multiple targets....the grocery store, dry cleaners, school adviser, oil change, dog groomer, business meetings, music lessons and more... They can handle alot, love variety and trying new things. they are great at juggling lots of tasks, acomplish alot and learn quickly. But boredom comes easily, their lives are high stress and there is little family interaction. They also can be inconsistent due to their overpacked schedule.

All of these types of families have their strengths and weaknesses. None of them is wrong or right, God made us all different. We just need to learn to submit what we have to Christ so that He can mold our families into what He needs us to be. The beautiful thing about God is that He made us! He knows what kind of families we are! He made them that way! So He takes what He's made and molds us into families that can make a difference, love others, serve others and build the relationships between children and spouses.

I was going to share what kind of family we are and some of the things we are going through, but I just feel like I need to leave it with this for now. Take who you are to God and allow him to mold and perfect you today. If you are a jet plane family, take some time to sit down as a family and build relationship between all of you. If you are a carriage family, go out and commit to somthing out of your comfort zone for Christ. Take your strengths to God and let Him perfect them, take your weaknesses to Him and have Him help you overcome them.

Blessings in Jesus today :)

The story of us

Joe and Sarah are lovely couple. They were married at 18 and 20 and had their first child 3 months after their wedding. After 5 children, 11 years, a death of their first born and many many many other issues, they are still working things out, very much in love and can't wait for what the Lord has for them next! Marriage does not come without trials. Sarah realizes yet again that she is hindering where God wants to take them...Here is a glimspe into their marriage in the last few months:

So after many months of harboring little thing after little thing, Sarah's mind, body and spirit started to ooze more and more. It all came to a head on the night of their 11th year anniversary....

It started by a simple conversation Sarah was having with Joe.
"So I'm a little frustrated about the picture situation...."

"oh so you are frustrated with ME?"

"that's not what I said, I said, the situation....we still have not handed out our family pictures and they were taken 5 months ago!"

(At this point, Sarah is trying really hard to remain calm. For those of you that have seen the "Love and Respect video series, will know the next phrase...)

Then after 5.2 seconds, they we were violently spinning on the crazy cycle and had retreated to our corners becuase she did not feel loved, and he did not feel respected.
Knowing the crazy cycle well, Sarah was confused in herself. With a million emotions and desperate need to find peace, Sarah looks inward......
What does she find?

With her in her room, lying alone, she beings to pray

"God, what is WRONG with me? Why am I SO ANGRY????
I'm so furious about ____ and about ______ and about __________!!!!"
She starts to well up in anger about little things that aren't even a part of that night!
"I just want peace. The peace that only you can give! I know your peace Lord, I know how precious and priceless it is! I need you to help me! Show me what I need to do...."

The Lord begins to minister to her spirit. She beings the battle in the spirit realm.
Her flesh cries out for justice--Her spirit cries out for mercy
Her flesh clings to all the things that have made her angry and hurt--Her spirit wants to let it all go and forgive
She feels like she's in a maximum security prison in her own spirit! Who will win?
Her sinful self wants to stay in prison, holding on to all the hurt! Her spirit wants freedom, freedom in their marriage and most of all freedom in her heart!After being literally ripped apart, Sarah starts to feel the Lord winning the battle. The more she lets Him in and speak, the more the darkness is silenced. Finally after clenching her teeth, making really tight fists and a whole lot of crying......Her heart begins to soften. It's time to let it all go. It's time to lay down her rights. It's time to forgive. It's time to be washed with the blood the heals....WIth the help and strength of the Lord, she does, and peace is again restored to this couple.

Knowing the the testing comes right after a transmormation, Sarah braces herself for some opposition. She stands firm in the work God did in her heart. She will not look back. She will not become a bitter woman, she is determined to fight for forgiveness and not personal rights. It's not worth it to save your flesh, your rights. Sarah has been locked up in that prison too many times. She purposes in her heart that she will lean on the forgivness Christ has given her which SHE so desperately needs.


But after all of this, she ponders.....how did she get here.....AGAIN!????
She's been here a million times, only to go through the gut wrenching battle within. It's a slow process. It's starts ever so subtle, ever so minor. In her thoughts. Reminded to keep EVERY thought she has to the cross of Christ, she writes this blog to hopefully help and remind other wives to not fall into the same trap. It's not fun locking yourself and your marriage in a dark, dank prison with nothing but pain.....

Praise God! For the work He completed on the cross that I can be set free with a simple prayer!

PS Joe finally posted! :)

been a while

many waves in the last few weeks....

Too much to catch up on....

Reader's digest version:

Caleb's death anniversary was Oct 27th. Reliving all the memories of his death and sickness. It was a hard week. I crashed bad on Thursday and had to take 2 days off school. I couldn't function. The very cool thing about going to his grave was I laid out all his tubes, meds and suction cathaders. It was comforting to know that he is free from all that sickness. I am truly thankful that he's with Jesus. His life would have only gotten worse. His scoliosis in his back was going to take putting rods in his back, more surgeries.....he can run, talk and eat! (not like there's food in heaven, but i like to think of it that way!:))

We went to his grave and listened to his song 'lifesong' by casting crowns.
I wanted to take pictures, but it just seems so odd to take pics of the grave. I can't do it yet.

My mom has been very sick. It's hard to watch her die. Her body is really throwing in the towel. All the years of abuse have officially caught up with her. She can't get through a day without 16 hours of sleep and if she leaves the house it can only be for one hour or so and she needs to use the wheelchairs provided at the stores.
She won't quit smoking.....I really can't explain how hard this is.

On a more positve note, school is going really well! I am proud of myself. We work very hard and have a ton of fun while we do it! We have covered a ton of material already! Isaiah is half way done her grade one math program already! and it's only the beginning of november! the marks they are getting are unbelievable. Isaiah has scored 100% on 3 math books and 95 on the other 2. Noah has not scored lower than 92 and there are many 100%'s in various subjects.

I am thankful for my kids, I am thankful that I can stay home and teach them. I am thankful that by His grace, they are learning a foundation of his word and of who He is. We have bible stories everyday. I just know that GOd is confirming this path for us as a family.

That's it for now.
take care everyone, and thanks for stopping by!