Deep down inside, there is a longing in each of us. This song touches some of what's in my heart.
I know that Rihanna is a wounded soul and with everything that I've learned in the last couple of years, I can see through the wound, hear her cry, and know pieces of where the answer lies.
Nonetheless, I can relate to her longing. I can stand beside her deep cry, cause I have the same one.
Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world…
Like I’m the only one that’s in command
Cuz I’m the only one who understands, like I’m the only one who knows your heart, only one....
I guess it comes back to those 3 words again. Cherished, Chosen and Treasured.
Of course, the rest of the song is twisted with wounds and a poor sense of who she really is as a woman. She is giving herself like a piece of pie, and at the same time, asks to be treated like the only girl in the world, which doesn't really work that well when she's feeding the wrong part of a man. One of the biggest revelations in both Joe and I is that a woman cannot make a man feel like a man. She is a woman. And if a man has his identity in his sexuality and not in God, he will turn to a woman to fill that. so around and around they go filling each other in a way that can never be satisfied, and actually, they are using each other for selfish reasons.
I'm on a quest to find God's true purpose for a man and wife coming together. without all the mumbo jumbo, without the wounds, from a pure, true place. I can sure identify with the longings that I believe God originally put in us. The question is what do we do with those longings, how do we enjoy the fruit of marriage, and yet be filled and satisfied with God's love in the deepest parts of us?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Things I am looking forward to
-Teaching my class tonight! I have a fun lesson plan, including plank pushovers, dead bug holds and we're going to use resistance bands today!
-Having a run this weekend, hopefully a 10 km
-Taking time for myself to journal, reflect on this last year and my new goals.
-Trying out my new coconut vodka with pinapple juice YUM
-Teaching my last, full class on muscle sculpt at the fieldhouse this Monday from 8-9 and YES, that's an invitation!
-Cooking my homemade meatballs this weekend
-Getting my hair done at Jilla's on MONDAY! goodbye roots!
-Owen's baptism on Sunday :)
-Cashing my first cheque only to NOT spend the money :)
-Having a run this weekend, hopefully a 10 km
-Taking time for myself to journal, reflect on this last year and my new goals.
-Trying out my new coconut vodka with pinapple juice YUM
-Teaching my last, full class on muscle sculpt at the fieldhouse this Monday from 8-9 and YES, that's an invitation!
-Cooking my homemade meatballs this weekend
-Getting my hair done at Jilla's on MONDAY! goodbye roots!
-Owen's baptism on Sunday :)
-Cashing my first cheque only to NOT spend the money :)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
point form
thoughts in random form
-how did I end up with such an amazing man?
-Elishah is even EXTRA cute when it's just me, joe and her.
-The Bulk Barn is the new place to go for junk runs!!!
-It's super funny when your 3 year old, that's potty trained, is wearing a diaper in the store, decides to pee and her eyes go red around the rims :P
-holding off on painting my kitchen for another weekend annoys me, but it's life
-to run outside/on my treadmill/go to the gym.....decisions, decisions.....
-The movie "Remember Me" SUCKS BUM! (even when you watch it in fast forward!)
-Sleeping sitting up is second nature to me
-Wondering when I'm going to actually ENJOY housework again
-I had one person in my class yesterday :( The friday BOSU slot is super slow :(
-GOT MY FIRST CHECK YESTERDAY!!!
-how did I end up with such an amazing man?
-Elishah is even EXTRA cute when it's just me, joe and her.
-The Bulk Barn is the new place to go for junk runs!!!
-It's super funny when your 3 year old, that's potty trained, is wearing a diaper in the store, decides to pee and her eyes go red around the rims :P
-holding off on painting my kitchen for another weekend annoys me, but it's life
-to run outside/on my treadmill/go to the gym.....decisions, decisions.....
-The movie "Remember Me" SUCKS BUM! (even when you watch it in fast forward!)
-Sleeping sitting up is second nature to me
-Wondering when I'm going to actually ENJOY housework again
-I had one person in my class yesterday :( The friday BOSU slot is super slow :(
-GOT MY FIRST CHECK YESTERDAY!!!
Monday, September 13, 2010
My little faithfulness....in kindergarten.......
Ok, so I've never in my life, sent a child to school at the age of 5. Or even 6. My first child was almost 8 when she went to school and Noah was almost 10. It wasn't the prettiest circumstances when they went to school, but I knew it was coming and they were older! I probably forget already how hard that was, becuase all I can think of now is HOW HARD it is to have my little BABY in school now :(
So I have to tell you about my last week. Faith's first day of school was last Wednesday. Today is her 3rd day of school (she skips every other day) Her first day of school, I dropped her off and walked back to the car with a lone child in a stroller. I had to fight tears, thinking to myself, "c'mon! pull it together, you're being a drama queen about this! You've been looking forward to this forever!" But it hit me. My little faithfulness is in KINDERGARTEN........
I made myself busy that day. Taking my mind off of what was really happening. I don't think I was home that WHOLE day. I surrounded myself with people and things to do. Day one=complete
Day 2 was on Friday. I had to sit on myself to NOT go to the school. I asked faith as I was packing her lunch, "do you want mom to come see you at school today at lunch?" She said, "no, it's ok mom" "aw, are you sure? i could just come for a little bit" so for MY sake she said, "ok, mom if you want to....." (STAB) I determined after that hard day that I was GOING to see her on Monday for sure!
Today:
I'm so excited to go see Faith. I show up to see her sitting with her back towards me. She was eating so quietly and peacefully. I went up to her (fighting tears to see her so big and grown up) I asked her how her lunch was. All the other kids were looking at me, like I was some big elephant in the room. One kid said, "why are you here?" I said, defending myself, "to see Faith, I'm faith's mom" Faith's teacher was still in the room, so I thought I should ask her how Faith was doing. I got "the talk" from her. That Faith is fine and that I don't need to worry and to not come to the school too often if I can help it.......
After feeling a bit out of place, I decided to go see Isaiah. "come on sheesha! let's go see Isaiah!" On my way out the door, I tried to make eye contact with Faith to say by, but she was too busy eating and talking to her new friends.....so I left.
Get to Isaiah's class and she's so used to me at the school, that she isn't excited to see me, she's just like, "hey mom" and carries on talking with her friends. I try to get in on the convo, but it's obvious that it's a kid thing and not a mom thing. So feeling a bit rejected again, I say to sheesha "let's go see noah!!" (in my head I 'm thinking, he's always happy to see me) So we wander down the hall to the portables to see Noah.
As soon as I walk in the class, 3 or 4 kids are like,"Noah, you're mom's here...." they are apparently so used to seeing me. He's like, "oh hey mom" as he's packing up his lunch. I'm like, "where are you going?" He's like, "Oh, I'm to the cross country meet, see ya!" and he walks out!!
So here I am, in a desk, and sheesha's running around the room and my son just deserted me! K, maybe I am a crazy mom! But gotta go out with a bang right?
So I think to myself, Faith is probably done eating and is getting ready to go outside, lets' go back and see her one more time.......
By the time we walk to the other side of the school, I pass Isaiah in the hallway, and she doesn't even acknowledge me. She on her way outside and she talking about what they're all going to play. Finally back in Faith's classroom, she on the carpet, reading a book. So without making the same mistake twice, I sneak out with elishah and wait for her on the playground. As I'm out on the playground stalking all my children, Noah runs by, running his 2 k. My heart all swells up, and I'm so proud, so I yell out, "GOOD JOB NOAH!!!!!"
Sheesh, this is getting more and more pathetic as the story goes on I know......but it goes on :S
Finally Faith comes out and I'm so exicted to see her play, she laughing and running around all her friends. So I think its a great idea to ask her what her friends names are, so that we can talk about them later.......
So I approach a group of girls, laughing their heads off, including faith.....and realized, that I'd just better leave her alone. So I walk away......feeling sheepish.
I pushed Elishah on the swing for 5 minutes and then came home....
SIGH.......
So I have to tell you about my last week. Faith's first day of school was last Wednesday. Today is her 3rd day of school (she skips every other day) Her first day of school, I dropped her off and walked back to the car with a lone child in a stroller. I had to fight tears, thinking to myself, "c'mon! pull it together, you're being a drama queen about this! You've been looking forward to this forever!" But it hit me. My little faithfulness is in KINDERGARTEN........
I made myself busy that day. Taking my mind off of what was really happening. I don't think I was home that WHOLE day. I surrounded myself with people and things to do. Day one=complete
Day 2 was on Friday. I had to sit on myself to NOT go to the school. I asked faith as I was packing her lunch, "do you want mom to come see you at school today at lunch?" She said, "no, it's ok mom" "aw, are you sure? i could just come for a little bit" so for MY sake she said, "ok, mom if you want to....." (STAB) I determined after that hard day that I was GOING to see her on Monday for sure!
Today:
I'm so excited to go see Faith. I show up to see her sitting with her back towards me. She was eating so quietly and peacefully. I went up to her (fighting tears to see her so big and grown up) I asked her how her lunch was. All the other kids were looking at me, like I was some big elephant in the room. One kid said, "why are you here?" I said, defending myself, "to see Faith, I'm faith's mom" Faith's teacher was still in the room, so I thought I should ask her how Faith was doing. I got "the talk" from her. That Faith is fine and that I don't need to worry and to not come to the school too often if I can help it.......
After feeling a bit out of place, I decided to go see Isaiah. "come on sheesha! let's go see Isaiah!" On my way out the door, I tried to make eye contact with Faith to say by, but she was too busy eating and talking to her new friends.....so I left.
Get to Isaiah's class and she's so used to me at the school, that she isn't excited to see me, she's just like, "hey mom" and carries on talking with her friends. I try to get in on the convo, but it's obvious that it's a kid thing and not a mom thing. So feeling a bit rejected again, I say to sheesha "let's go see noah!!" (in my head I 'm thinking, he's always happy to see me) So we wander down the hall to the portables to see Noah.
As soon as I walk in the class, 3 or 4 kids are like,"Noah, you're mom's here...." they are apparently so used to seeing me. He's like, "oh hey mom" as he's packing up his lunch. I'm like, "where are you going?" He's like, "Oh, I'm to the cross country meet, see ya!" and he walks out!!
So here I am, in a desk, and sheesha's running around the room and my son just deserted me! K, maybe I am a crazy mom! But gotta go out with a bang right?
So I think to myself, Faith is probably done eating and is getting ready to go outside, lets' go back and see her one more time.......
By the time we walk to the other side of the school, I pass Isaiah in the hallway, and she doesn't even acknowledge me. She on her way outside and she talking about what they're all going to play. Finally back in Faith's classroom, she on the carpet, reading a book. So without making the same mistake twice, I sneak out with elishah and wait for her on the playground. As I'm out on the playground stalking all my children, Noah runs by, running his 2 k. My heart all swells up, and I'm so proud, so I yell out, "GOOD JOB NOAH!!!!!"
Sheesh, this is getting more and more pathetic as the story goes on I know......but it goes on :S
Finally Faith comes out and I'm so exicted to see her play, she laughing and running around all her friends. So I think its a great idea to ask her what her friends names are, so that we can talk about them later.......
So I approach a group of girls, laughing their heads off, including faith.....and realized, that I'd just better leave her alone. So I walk away......feeling sheepish.
I pushed Elishah on the swing for 5 minutes and then came home....
SIGH.......
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
When will I be worth fighting for?
I am now looking at the second year marker. That's how I roll. I've always been that way. I look at my life through big landmarks that have formed who I've become.
-When I got clean at 16, Nov 15, 1995, my family celebrated my clean date for years and years.
-I still remember August 27th, 1995. It was the day God RESCUED me off the street. I was "kidnapped" by my parents, thrown into the back of a car and shipped to detox.
-When Joe and I started dating ,aug 13, 1995
-the day we got engaged aug 14, 1996
-the day we got married Nov 9, 1996
-The day I said my final goodbye to bulimia Feb 5th, 2008
-The week I fasted for my family April 14-19th, 2008
-The day Caleb was admitted to hospital Oct 23, 2006
-The day he died, Oct 26, 06
Those are some of my landmarks, but there are many more. I think that it's good to look at life this way because it's encouraging to see the growth, to see how God moved, and to see His faithfulness. But.....to let moments DEFINE YOU....that's another story. Somehow, 2 years ago, the events that were placed before me became WHO I AM. I allowed events and circumstances to tell me who I am, what I'm worth, and it completely derailed me as a person. After all this time, cause 2 years sounds like a LONG time, I've actually learned a few things. GASP!
I've realized that when the rubber meets the road, when push comes to shove, when it all boils down, the ball is in my court. I hate saying that outloud, because I'm held to my own words, but it needs to be said.
-I've fought for Caleb, keeping him home with us and not putting him a home, fighting for his needs because he was worth it.
-I've fought for my kids, giving up my life to homeschool them, stretching myself beyond what I thought possible, for THEM, cause they are worth it.
-I've fought for Joe, which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because Joe is worth it.
And.....before my "defining moment" 2 years ago, I was learning to fight for ME..... Saying goodbye to my eating disorder because I knew I deserved better. I started my journey with running and fitness. Why? because I deserved to be healthy, happy and have time for MYSELF.
But it's time to fight for me! not just keep myself alive for those around me, but fight for ME. And, here's the scary/eyeopening piece. I know that if I don't start passionatly fighting for me right now, I could loose myself forever. Or something terrible will happen. I read in a book once, "desperate people do desperate things" And I've been living in a state of desperation for a long time. With big holes in my heart that need attention.
They say you MAKE time for things that are important to you. I get that. I get that very much. I am the one that will MAKE a trip to the gym to "FIT" in a run, a workout, because I need to. It's a priority. I understand that if I want to fit in my workouts, I have to juggle my kids, my family time, meals, schedules, just to get it in. I get that. Why don't I do that for my spiritual health? Why is my spiritual health an option??? I will always tell people that they need to MAKE time if they want to get fit, but what good is a healthy body when you're dying inside? :(
I put away my old journal. I have to. I have to leave it behind. I have to leave the past in the past and walk towards God's heart for ME. I have to fight for me. If I can't fight for me, I will never be able to fight for others.
-When I got clean at 16, Nov 15, 1995, my family celebrated my clean date for years and years.
-I still remember August 27th, 1995. It was the day God RESCUED me off the street. I was "kidnapped" by my parents, thrown into the back of a car and shipped to detox.
-When Joe and I started dating ,aug 13, 1995
-the day we got engaged aug 14, 1996
-the day we got married Nov 9, 1996
-The day I said my final goodbye to bulimia Feb 5th, 2008
-The week I fasted for my family April 14-19th, 2008
-The day Caleb was admitted to hospital Oct 23, 2006
-The day he died, Oct 26, 06
Those are some of my landmarks, but there are many more. I think that it's good to look at life this way because it's encouraging to see the growth, to see how God moved, and to see His faithfulness. But.....to let moments DEFINE YOU....that's another story. Somehow, 2 years ago, the events that were placed before me became WHO I AM. I allowed events and circumstances to tell me who I am, what I'm worth, and it completely derailed me as a person. After all this time, cause 2 years sounds like a LONG time, I've actually learned a few things. GASP!
I've realized that when the rubber meets the road, when push comes to shove, when it all boils down, the ball is in my court. I hate saying that outloud, because I'm held to my own words, but it needs to be said.
-I've fought for Caleb, keeping him home with us and not putting him a home, fighting for his needs because he was worth it.
-I've fought for my kids, giving up my life to homeschool them, stretching myself beyond what I thought possible, for THEM, cause they are worth it.
-I've fought for Joe, which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because Joe is worth it.
And.....before my "defining moment" 2 years ago, I was learning to fight for ME..... Saying goodbye to my eating disorder because I knew I deserved better. I started my journey with running and fitness. Why? because I deserved to be healthy, happy and have time for MYSELF.
But it's time to fight for me! not just keep myself alive for those around me, but fight for ME. And, here's the scary/eyeopening piece. I know that if I don't start passionatly fighting for me right now, I could loose myself forever. Or something terrible will happen. I read in a book once, "desperate people do desperate things" And I've been living in a state of desperation for a long time. With big holes in my heart that need attention.
They say you MAKE time for things that are important to you. I get that. I get that very much. I am the one that will MAKE a trip to the gym to "FIT" in a run, a workout, because I need to. It's a priority. I understand that if I want to fit in my workouts, I have to juggle my kids, my family time, meals, schedules, just to get it in. I get that. Why don't I do that for my spiritual health? Why is my spiritual health an option??? I will always tell people that they need to MAKE time if they want to get fit, but what good is a healthy body when you're dying inside? :(
I put away my old journal. I have to. I have to leave it behind. I have to leave the past in the past and walk towards God's heart for ME. I have to fight for me. If I can't fight for me, I will never be able to fight for others.
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