I am now looking at the second year marker. That's how I roll. I've always been that way. I look at my life through big landmarks that have formed who I've become.
-When I got clean at 16, Nov 15, 1995, my family celebrated my clean date for years and years.
-I still remember August 27th, 1995. It was the day God RESCUED me off the street. I was "kidnapped" by my parents, thrown into the back of a car and shipped to detox.
-When Joe and I started dating ,aug 13, 1995
-the day we got engaged aug 14, 1996
-the day we got married Nov 9, 1996
-The day I said my final goodbye to bulimia Feb 5th, 2008
-The week I fasted for my family April 14-19th, 2008
-The day Caleb was admitted to hospital Oct 23, 2006
-The day he died, Oct 26, 06
Those are some of my landmarks, but there are many more. I think that it's good to look at life this way because it's encouraging to see the growth, to see how God moved, and to see His faithfulness. But.....to let moments DEFINE YOU....that's another story. Somehow, 2 years ago, the events that were placed before me became WHO I AM. I allowed events and circumstances to tell me who I am, what I'm worth, and it completely derailed me as a person. After all this time, cause 2 years sounds like a LONG time, I've actually learned a few things. GASP!
I've realized that when the rubber meets the road, when push comes to shove, when it all boils down, the ball is in my court. I hate saying that outloud, because I'm held to my own words, but it needs to be said.
-I've fought for Caleb, keeping him home with us and not putting him a home, fighting for his needs because he was worth it.
-I've fought for my kids, giving up my life to homeschool them, stretching myself beyond what I thought possible, for THEM, cause they are worth it.
-I've fought for Joe, which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because Joe is worth it.
And.....before my "defining moment" 2 years ago, I was learning to fight for ME..... Saying goodbye to my eating disorder because I knew I deserved better. I started my journey with running and fitness. Why? because I deserved to be healthy, happy and have time for MYSELF.
But it's time to fight for me! not just keep myself alive for those around me, but fight for ME. And, here's the scary/eyeopening piece. I know that if I don't start passionatly fighting for me right now, I could loose myself forever. Or something terrible will happen. I read in a book once, "desperate people do desperate things" And I've been living in a state of desperation for a long time. With big holes in my heart that need attention.
They say you MAKE time for things that are important to you. I get that. I get that very much. I am the one that will MAKE a trip to the gym to "FIT" in a run, a workout, because I need to. It's a priority. I understand that if I want to fit in my workouts, I have to juggle my kids, my family time, meals, schedules, just to get it in. I get that. Why don't I do that for my spiritual health? Why is my spiritual health an option??? I will always tell people that they need to MAKE time if they want to get fit, but what good is a healthy body when you're dying inside? :(
I put away my old journal. I have to. I have to leave it behind. I have to leave the past in the past and walk towards God's heart for ME. I have to fight for me. If I can't fight for me, I will never be able to fight for others.
7 comments:
I'm ready to fight with you whatever that looks like. Love you so much.
"I felt every tear drop when in darkness you cried and I strove to remind you that for those tears I died." It's a line from a hymn that keeps running over and over in my head as I read your post. I get a sense of Jesus' overwhelming love for you. HE died for YOU - He did the fighting. Test if this resonates with your spirit but I get the impression that 'fighting' (striving?) is not what is necessary right now. "Rest" is the word that comes to mind. You can come to Jesus and just 'sit' at His feet and He'll take care of the rest. HE will carry YOU. I love you, Sarah. May God's peace and rest flood your soul and bring healing to your inmost being.
I think that the two are related. Fighting is what's most for surely needed, but you can always be at rest while doing what you need to do.
Striving is not what God is calling me to. He's calling me to come out of passivness and into passioness
Thank you for you words of encouragement :)
My heart echoes with your words. I haven't had quite your life story but my own has been a struggle of sorts myself. Fitting time in for Me for both physical and spiritual growth. That's a tough one. But I need to do that.
You are doing amazing things. BTW my wife is in the country and here. You should come by and say hi sometime. We are having a welcome to Canada party/thing this Sat at 2pm at the C of C church.
what a beautiful post Sarah!!! Keep on fighting!!!
I so get what you're saying. And I'm so with you.
yeah, I totally know what you mean. I've had to learn the hard way at times that a day without communing with the lover is one filled with anxieties and rushing to save situations I have no peace, power or love to be dealing with. Busyness is an evil, but our culture crowns it and glorifies it. Sometimes it's hard to slow down and focus.
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