I'm all mixed up inside as a whole. I'm used to being able to tell what I'm feeling, how I'm doing and pressing forward of the high calling in Jesus....
I know in my heart that God IS carrying me....
Something that is blessing me is the reunion with the Mcleod's. Both sister's commented on my last post and I was so encouraged inside. A light, I ray of hope, knowing I'm not alone....
It's so funny, I can't really describe how I'm feeling.
I was downstairs doing laundry today. for those that don't know, we took possesion of this house which we've been renting for 4 and half years and now own it as of October 6th! Being that we were on number 5, we knew we need to renovate our little 3 bedroom house. So contruction started right on the day the house became ours.
after Caleb passed the end of Oct, joe and I didn't want to even go downstairs. The framing was up and the time and we didn't care to finish it....
Our contractor, who happens to be an elder at our church, graciously backed off and gave a couple of weeks to breathe.
Now.....for 2 weeks solid, we've (I mean Joe) has been go go go with help from guys in the church trying to get it done before our contractor goes on vacation on Dec 15th.
The dry wall is up, the mudding and taping are almost done. It is close to the end......
I sat downstairs and cryed....
It should be a happy time, an exciting time, a good thing......
Looking at our new room, my big closet, our new bathroom......
But I'm so sad about it......
christmas is coming......
I'm sad about that too.
The kids and I made a gingerbread house from scratch yesterday and assembled it today. I should be such a joyous time. But something is missing........
Going through the motions......ballet, soccer, putting up the tree, baking......
it all seems empty
i miss the smell of his stinky little hands
rubbing the top of his head which was all stubbly
Taking his foot splints off after school
laying beside him when he's all tucked in bed
Mr. Caleb man
9 comments:
Aw Sarah! How I wish I could come over right now and give you a big hug! ((((hug))))
As I've said before, I can't imagine how you feel. But I can imagine that its hard to "go on" with life. It seems that you'd rather keep everything the same, the way it was when he was with you, including the basement. I feel for you. Time doesn't stand still, and that can be so hard, especially when we want it to.
God is with you, He's your comforter, He's your confidant and He's your friend. He's holding you right now. He'll give you that hug that I can't!!
"God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4
Psalm 30
Take care Sarah.
HUGS & PRAYERS!!
Thinking of you! Your post made me cry.
Sarah - I saw your comment on my blog and would like to be able to email you more about my little Rebecca, don't know your email address though, feel free to email me at monisqua@hotmail.com and I'll get back to you. Thanks!
Monika
I can't help but continue to read on your family, and think about your saddness. We will be continuing to pray for you all during this season and on. You sound like an awesome mom!!
How is the homeschooling going? Have you been doing it all along?
This is a silly question, but I am interested in how you get the cute little "glittering" icons on the side of your blog!?
Take Care, I pray your day is going well.
Laurie Bouchard
I think it's beautiful how you are sharing from your heart. It's healthy to miss your son and to turn to memories. I lost a very special person in my life a year and a half ago and I still have days when I cry about it.
Sarah,
I can't tell you how much meeting you was an encouragement to me. I have totally mixed emotions about Christmas too! That song "All I want for Christmas is you," is exactly how I feel. At the same time I know I'll be surrounded by family. I know in my head I need to keep finding hope--sometimes I have to tell myself to do what I don't feel like doing. Sometimes my head knowledge has toe override the grief because my heart and body "just don't feel like it." Today was laundry day too, (it certainly built up over the last two weeks). I get energy from doing a daily task like this and even feel good. And yet simultaneously I can be hit by the smallest thing, like my mom or John asking if I'm okay on the phone. Just know that you are not alone. God IS with us. He IS carrying us. He will not abandon us. And tears are good.
I think I'll go look up Psalm 30.
The song you mentioned on my blog--I don't know it.
I'm so glad that I brought you some encouragement no matter how small. I'm glad we found each other in the blogosphere since I'm not up there much to actually see you. I wish for you lots of hugs and kisses today. And thank you for sharing your journey with us. I'm sure it is both hard and necessary to share about Caleb. We can see your love in your words and even though I never knew him, I can a little through your sharing.
I'm so glad that I brought you some encouragement no matter how small. I'm glad we found each other in the blogosphere since I'm not up there much to actually see you. I wish for you lots of hugs and kisses today. And thank you for sharing your journey with us. I'm sure it is both hard and necessary to share about Caleb. We can see your love in your words and even though I never knew him, I can a little through your sharing.
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