my bulimia story part 8

After Noah, my journey to really loose weight begun. I started trying new diets and trying to learn more about losing weight. But I wasn't interested in a lifestyle change. I was looking for a quick fix. Over the next 5 years I tried the following:

The atkins diet
Harmful diet pills
Not eating
throwing up
juice fasting
the soup diets
even a vegan diet
and exersise.

It's been such a roller coaster of emotions, weight gain and loss, depression and mountain top experiences through it all. Never really getting to the root of my issues. At first, I had NO self control. Over time, I was learning to modify my behavior and "do" the "right things". This only lasted a very short time before my fleshly impulses would start screaming and I'd give in to "what I really wanted." This year, God has opened my eyes to so many things. All my life, I thought that sin was pleasure. That's where it was at! It was the cheese fries, the burgers with bacon, the chips and dip and brownies. I believed that this was what satisfies the soul. Even though I was walking with the Lord and I "knew" that this was wrong and that I should find all my satisfaction in God, my flesh didn't line up with what I knew I "should" do.

Our pastor just finished a teaching series on "lighting torches" What this means is that instead of trusting God, we light torches to help ourselves find our way. And most of the time you'd think that lighting a light in the dark would be a GOOD THING! But actually what you're doing is falling away from God and setting up your OWN SYSTEM. Before you know it, years go by and you are all wrapped up in lies. This is what happened to me. The bible is dead on when it says that the devil disguises himself as an ANGEL OF LIGHT!

For example: One of my "torches" was to eat all healthy food. This seems like an excellent idea! How could eating right be wrong??????? I would ONLY eat extra virgin, cold pressed olive oil, I wouldn't even eat healthy bread from the store! It had to be from my bread maker made with honey and olive oil. No margarine, no white anything, everything had to be organic. (our grocery bill was through the roof!) Organic whole wheat crackers at 5$ for a small box! Organic fruit, bottled water.....it goes on and on.......

It's all about your heart! this is all Jesus really says in the NT. Where's your heart? I had convinced myself that "I was OK" because I "did all these works" "see, look at ALL I'm DOING!" From the outside looking in, friends and family didn't understand why I wasn't loosing weight, since I "DOING" all the "right things" I even shared my frustration openly with many people hoping they would share in my self pity that I wasn't loosing any weight.

Behind closed doors was a different story......On the outside and in public, I was perfect! I never touched a chip or a sugary drink. But at home, my flesh would fall apart! I could only wear that face for so long. The moment I was alone, I would eat white bread with butter, koolaid, pizza, and chocolate chips, only to get rid of it all in the toilet. The first few years of this juggling of two people didn't bother so much. Becuase "I was TRYING" I guess I thought that the good would cancel out the bad.

..... ALL the bargaining I've done with myself and God over the years.....
All the justifying of my sin, the exuses, the lying to myself and to God......

And all that time, I thought I was "doing the right thing"

Well, I believe this is the end of this post. God would have me stop here for now...... I thought I was going to write about my church, but I am trusting that God is leading me to write each part. So I guess I won't say what will come next cause I DON"T KNOW! :)