part 10 my bulimia story

So what's left? At the last part of the story, I had lost 50 pounds and still struggling with bulimia. Wondering when...NOT IF....but WHEN I would be back at my original 200 pounds. Knowing that my insides haven't really changed, I was constantly thinking of how I could keep up the show. Wondering how I was really going to manage keeping this weight off. At home I was still seriously binge eating about 1 to 3 times a week.

For mother's day, Joe bought me a beautiful ring. Knowing that I like rainbows, the ring he picked out, stood out to him because it had 5 colorful gems in it. The second he gave it to me, I knew that this ring represented the 5 children that we would have. In a week from mother's day, I was found to be pregnant with #5!

I remember my auntie's first words when I told her that I was pregnant,. "So, what's this going to do to your weight problem?" (Said in a very snarky voice) "weight PROBLEM?????" I snarked back.....
But inside I knew, I was doomed.........

After the sudden death of our oldest son, I fell way off the wagon. Convincing myself the lie that I "deserved" to do anything I wanted since I lost my son, my eating went way out of control. A lie that I chose to believe all 5 of my pregnancies was that "I would just take off the weight later, after the baby, but for now, I'll just enjoy being pregnant. And since I can't loose weight right now anyway, I might as well gain the weight without worry. I deal with it later...." Up to my son's death, I was making an honest effort to make sure I didn't gain too much weight. But then after he died, I just didn't care anymore.

The last 4 months of pregnancy, I honestly can't describe. It was incredibly hard, yet little Elishah still in my womb gave us much hope. Words can't describe it all during those months. We just tried "getting through".

After she was born, it was time to start getting the pounds off again. I had gained a woppin 50 pounds and gave birth to a 6 and half pound baby.....you do the math......

All moms are anxious to see what comes off in those first few weeks. All moms also know that whatever is left after the first 4 weeks is YOUR JOB to get off!!!!!
Guess how many pounds I lost out of those 50 I gained????
A measly 15......
Yep, that makes 35 more pounds for me.....
SIGH.....

In the late spring one year ago, Nin and I felt led by the spirit to take on running. Another cliff we were afraid to jump off. We could never hold fitness commitments! Would this time be different?
We felt that God wanted to teach us things through parables. And He did! We were learning thins about:
-holding to your comittments
-Finishing the race
-Pressing on toward the goal
-Facing our giants (the running"strip")
-not giving up
-having faith that God provides the strength
-We even learned a cool lesson that we are all built differently. That God gave us each unique gifts. (being that nin could run fast sprints and I could run long distances.)

During this journey of running, I had learned of "Body For Life" Click here to go to the website. It's about eating 'clean', strength training and cardio. I suctioned cupped to this like a fly on poop......telling myself that I would a 6 pack of abs in a year.....(obviously....it's been a year....and last I checked, I'm still as jello-y wiggly as ever!~ LOL)

God was speaking to me about my bulimia. Wanting me to surrender it to Him. But I didn't know how. During our runs, I would talk to nin about my struggles. I would tell her and confess each time I had thrown up my food. But week after week after week, I was starting to sound like a broken record! I couldn't stand to hear myself talk anymore! So I stopped sharing, totally discouraged, I kept my bulimia to myself, since nothing was changing.

Looking back, I see God planting alot of seeds. Even tho I didn't have victory at that time, He was teaching me about comittment and perseverance. I was growing in character by sticking it out with my running comittments. It's now been almost one year and I'm still running. God even provided me with a treadmill for the winter! Looking back, I was so discouraged that I wasn't gaining victory in my eating at the time, but I see how God was truly preparing me for the REAL DEAL! He was turning the soil of my heart showing me that I COULD set the bar high! Through running, He was showing me that IT WAS POSSIBLE for me to reach my goals. I was doing more than I ever thought through running.
When it all boiled down, I was getting ready to REALLY WANT the fruit that really lasts. The fruit that only Jesus can make.....