My 10 top food staples and 10 foods I like to treat with

1. Coffee. I was off coffee for a time, but my heartburn went away so every morning starts with 2 cups of hazelnut flavored coffee

2. Egg creations. Made with only egg whites. My favorite flavor is garden vegetable. Almost every morning I have these eggs with one slice of dry toast.

3. Hot salsa. It goes on pretty much everything I eat. Eggs, soup, pasta, salads, sandwiches, potatoes... It's a low calorie way to spruce up what I'm eating.

4. Green tea. Thanks to my sis nin, I make a whole pot of green tea in my coffee maker everyday. with two bags, I will drink that whole pot everyday. Sometimes I dilute it with water to get more H2O.

5. Veggies. I go through different phases of liking different ones. These days, it's colored peppers, asparagus, and broccoli. I've had spinach, romaine, even beet kicks. So glad that God made so many cool things for us to eat so we don't get bored!

6. Cottage cheese! A super healthy way to get some extra protien! And it tastes great too! I put it in yogurt, stirfry's, soups, on sandwiches, potatoes, salads.....well, kinda like salsa...

7. My protien powder. After a strength workout, nothing feels better than to feed your muscles what they want! no carbs, just all protien....hits the spot.

8. Go lean crunch! I LOVE that cereal! A good balance of protien and carbs, it's a great snack, if I'm feeling my sweet tooth rise up, a small bowl of this will totally curb it!

9. Tuna and salmon. A good, flavorful sandwich! I'm learning to even eat it without mayo!

10. BANANAS! A serving is actually only half. It's amazing what bananas will do for your body! It's a magic type of fuel. One whole banana can get you through 90 minutes of exersise! Within one day, I will eat a whole banana, by taking 3 or 4 bites of at each sitting.

Of course, excluding this last week of bad eating, this is how I've been eating for quite a while. I'm back on track now as of yesterday and back at the gym.

As a side note, I'd like to add a list of foods that I like to indulge in:

1. Popcorn! I used to make myself a big bowl of popcorn 4-5 times a week! and eat the whole bowl! Now I will make it 2-3 times a month as a treat for myself and eat only half a bowl.

2. Butter! I LOVE BUTTER! I never buy it though, cause I can't seem to use self discipline to use it once and a while and only use a little!

3. Chips! These are the one food that I CAN"T HAVE IN MY HOUSE....EVER! I will treat myself at social gatherings to a handful or two, but if the guests don't take the chips home, I will throw them out! Or I will eat the whole bag!

4. Mc Donalds fries! When I go to Mc D's, I will either get a grilled snack wrap with no sauce, or two chicken fajitas. One time out of every 10, I will order myself a fry. I do eat a few of my kids's tho each time!;)

5. Pizza. To me, pizza is a no no. It's loaded in a million calories and fat. IF I choose to eat pizza, it's only one piece, but i'm never full after one piece, so I'd rather just make myself something else!

6. BROWNIES! Man, I love Joe's homemade brownies! He makes them from scratch. This is another food that I'm not totally comfortable to have it in the house. I am starting to become more disciplined and just putting them out of sight and not touching them. This week, I would have eaten a pan to myself....well not a whole pan, but enough to make a bad dent!

7. Mashed potatoes. That's another food that you don't really get a whole lot of bang for your buck. I LOVE potatoes, but half a cup with gravy is the same as a cheeseburger! I'd rather choose the baked potato and put salsa on it. But once a while, I will have a little scoop.

8. CHEESE! OOO I love block cheese. One serving of cheese is 2 oz. it's two slices for one day. That's hard to do sometimes. I will skip it all together often becuase I don't like to only have 2 slices.

9. Wine. I rarely drink calories. But wine is worth it!

10. White bread. I really like the taste of white bread! I like the way it smells after you toast it and to have a white bread sandwich. But I rarely pick white bread. It's a treat when I do tho!

So what's your two lists?

more thoughts

-I'm scared
-Scared of being real this very second.
-Scared of going back to the way I was
-Seeing very old patterns of coping
-Emotionally eating
-Even tempted to throw up!
-Discouraged
-Did I say scared?
-Crying alot
-Am I going to make it through this transition?
-Why do I always have to let fear get the best of me
-Worried of what certain people will think of me
-Just a big ball of flesh
-On the verge of surrender....but holding on to things that make me feel temporarily good
-Calling my spiritual mothers...can you pray for me?

there...i was more than honest. I am being vulnerable....hoping that knocking off some of this pride might help.....

My thoughts in point form

-A new sense of purpose rising up in me
-A peace and rest that God is carrying us through this transition
-A mom at heart, knowing for her little (big) ones are in a big world without her
-What does God have for us now?
-Rebuilding
-redeeming
-rewiring
-rejoicing
-heart soft.....who am I?
-ears listening.....God, what do say about me?
-eyes opening....in faith, where are you taking us?

-Faith playing playdoh at our kitchen table
-Elishah napping
-will I clean out the hall closet? I could tackle anything in this house......
God speak, I am listening.
Bring your continued healing into this home.......

USING ONLY ONE WORD! It's not as easy as you might think! It's really hard to only use one word answers.....



1.Your Cell phone? Nope

2. Your significant other? BBF

3. Your hair? Blonde

4. Your mother? Crazy

5. Your father? Figure

6. Your favorite thing? Bible

7. Your dream last night? Forget

8. Your favorite drink? Coffee

9. Your dream/goal? Healing

10. What room you are in? Caleb's

11. Your hobby? Running

12. Your fear? Failing

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Helping

14. Where were you last night? Earl's

15. Your heart? Thankful

16. Muffins? nope

17. Wish list item? Freedom

18. Where you grew up? Lenore

19. Last thing you did? shower

20. What are you wearing? Armor

21. Your TV? Big

22. Your pets? Gone

23. Friends? Thankful

24. Your life? Tornado

25. Your mood? Changes

26. Missing someone? Caleb

27. Car? Van

28. Something you're not wearing? Opinions

29. Your favorite store? Marmart

30. Your favorite color? Rainbow

31. Your motto? Love

32. Something you say all the time? Help!

33. When is the last time you laughed? Earl's

34. Last time you cried? Yesterday

35. Who will resend this? Shrug

36. One place that I go to over and over? Cross

37. One person who emails me regularly? Nin

38. Favorite place to eat? Asian

39. Why you participated in this survey? Nin

40. What are you doing tonight? Running

I need a miracle

There's things in my heart that are very scary. Normal in my circumstances, but in need of God's healing.

If someone's loved one got killed by a drunk driver, I'm sure that they would go through a time of hating the person that killed them. Sinful, yet normal. Forgiveness is only possible through the grace of God.

My heart cries out for righteousness. As I carry hate in my heart, I know only God can bring me the ability to forgive. I can't will it, becuase my human nature is to respond in hate. So when I am healed of this, it will be GOD that did it. Nothing else can redeem this.

When God bring full redemption......what a glorious testimony all this will be......
God is more than able and I'm fully confident of that.
Never through all this have I doubted his goodness, his love for me or his faithfulness.

Marriage and forgiveness

Last night, I again was overwhelmed at living right in the middle of God's grace and love.

2 Corinthians 5 says:
So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

It's an amazing opportunity to be able to walk this out in my marriage everyday. My paraphrase of this passage is this:

See yourself through God's eyes. Recieve forgiveness, get right with Him. He did everything for you, He gave it all so that you could sit right in His lap! How amazing it is that Christ forgave ALL your sins! After you have been made right with God by repentance and redemption, you now have been given the opportunity to SHOW the very gospel, the very HEART of God to others! God's unconditional love knows no bounds. It knew no bounds for you, and it knows no bounds for others. If anyone has hurt you, forgive them, for they have been forgiven by God. Show them with your actions and with yielding your heart that you love them as Christ loves them. Then, they will know and see Christ's unconditional, unfailing love in the flesh!

Hee hee, I'm not a bible inturrpreter....but this is how this scripture has played out in my life in the last 5 months.

It's amazing to see the face of someone who caused you so much pain, to be able to recieve God's love and forgiveness through me! God's character is walked out in our very marriage everyday. It's so bittersweet.
It's so beautiful. It's nothing at all that we've done (other than messing up)

God is truly redeeming the most awful thing into something beautiful. My God....is SO WORTHY. There's no one like him.....
He can take puke and make it a crown. He can take crap, and make it smell as fragrant as roses. Who do you know that can do THAT???

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BOY!

My oldest son would have been 13 today. A TEENAGER!
Son, you make me feel old! I wonder what kind of cake you're eating.....
We miss you so much! Your brother misses you the most. You sisters do too, but Noah had a very special bond with you, his only brother. Your life has given so many opportunities to share God's goodness. You truly are our angel. Without you, we would be very different people and I guarantee, that the good things in us were because of you.

I still listen to your song, "Only have my love" by Jaylene Johnson and think of how you freely gave purely who you were. You offered all you were, just the way you were. I want to be like you Caleb. A free spirit that's not tied down by the cares of this world. You were not conformed to the pattern of this world. In so many ways, as hard as life was for you, you were blessed to be separated from all the pulls and temptations that this fallen world has.

I just want to thank you buddy, for being a huge part of my freedom. For some reason, God chose your birthday to be the day I became free from my eating disorder. I believe that it was chosen that way for a reason. I remember all the strength that you had here on earth, and I believe you passed some of your strength to me. Now on your birthday, my deliverance is directly tied to who you were. Now, your 13th birthday is also my one year anniversary for being free! What a great way to share this day!

Your life, Caleb was a blessing. You blessed everyone who chose to recieve you.

Heart's motives

My heart's desire is to find true healing these days. To find my true identity. No counterfeits, no gimmicks, no quick fixes.....the real deal.

Human flesh is so dumb sometimes. It's so lazy, so selfish, so looking for the easy way out, looking for short cuts, looking to make it all a comfortable ride. Flesh would be perfectly happy to sit in the same place, not move, not be challenged, not change, not hurt......it doesn't care about freedom. It would rather have comfort than peace.

The cool thing about this is that God created us spirit. Our spirit cries out for the real deal, for the real peace, for the real relationship. It usually takes an average human being a whole lifetime to learn that flesh gives birth to death and spirit gives birth to life.

I believe that I'm finally more and more APPRECIATING the PROCESS of becoming like Christ. My flesh would say that the wilderness sucks, but I know that what my flesh says doesn't really matter. Through my spirit, I understand that the wilderness is actually the way to the promise land. The longer I allow my flesh to kick and scream through the wilderness, the longer it will take to get out!

But apart from "getting out of the wilderness".......since we are ALL destined to go through it, isn't there something totally sweet about the fellowship we find with our Father? Isn't it a bittersweet place when we can worship and praise through our pain? Isn't there something mysterious and wonderful to have joy in the offering?

God's love is like none other. I will praise Him through my pain. Because I know that He takes everything and turns it into something good. Trials turned to gold. God sits me down infront of all my enemies and loves on me. He pours healing oil on my head. He is the real deal. Always has been, always will be.....and most importantly...HE IS RIGHT NOW